Title: HSU Fic: Rage and Ruin
Author: Laure, Hacked off Mediator
Rating: ROTM (Revenge of the Mediator)
Disclamier: Don't own anything. Poor, very poor. Would be willing to own one slightly rusty suit of armor. Actually...wouldn't.
Timeline: Set right after Superstitions, before Emmy's fic which my stupid mailserver has failed to deliver to me.
Author's Note:Any similarities to Emmy's illustrious fic are unintentional--we were both just feeling maltreated.
Thanks to: Darry for going through it with me over lunch and leading me down the right path.

Laure stared in abject horror at the horde of heavily armored men all trying to squeeze through the doorway at once. Commo was grinning like an idiot and babbling in Latin. The Praetorians were all bowing and scraping and getting even more stuck.

Finally one by one they popped into the room and went to one knee before their glowing emperor.

"Where is my wreath of laurels? Go find it," Commo commanded the Mediator with a snap of his fingers. "And my sword and armor. I must be dressed in my finest when I address my people."

Laure gaped at him, then lunged for his throat.

The nearest guardsman grabbed her around the waist and drew his sword, but Commo yelled something else in Latin and Laure found herself on her butt, the guardsman now bowing and scraping to her.

Frowning, the RB sniffed the air, then turned and looked down at his lover. "Why are you on the floor? No, never mind. I believe something is burning. Perhaps the man with the fashionable clothes is bar beee cooing again." He gestured and his guard rose as one, taking up most of the space and oxygen in the office.

>From her position on the floor, Laure gazed through black clad legs as thick as trees, and saw the carpet in the outer office was on fire.

"Oh, fu..."

She was interrupted by a loud clanging and the spray of ice cold water.

"Oh, fu..."

Downstairs, the instant the sprinklers came on Kendra was out of her chair and through the door into the General's office. The General, a puzzled look on his face, took off his wet glasses and blinked, sending droplets of water from his eyelashes.

Kendra began to drool.

"Um, Kendra that's the fire alarm."

"Uh huh."

"Shall we evacuate?"

"Nuh uh."

Tara slid on the wet wood floor of the outer office into the inner sanctum. Flipping soggy curls out of her eyes she gazed in adoration at the dripping General.

He sank into his waterlogged chair and opened his arms.

Everyone else in the building ran for the exterior doors--well, everyone that wasn't in the Mediator's office.

"Someone's going to die," the Nurse vowed, squeezing water from her inside-out scrub shirt. Cicero was hopping from one foot to the other trying to tie his shoes. He wore only a pair of Marvin the Martian boxers and a stethoscope.

"My organ is ruined," Dorotea wailed as she watched LP distastefully wring out his scrunchy.

Somehow Xani had managed to stay bone dry.

Emmy slogged over to them in extremely damp flannel p.j.s. "If this was a prank..." She glared at the Greysider, who just grinned wickedly.

The tigers growled and shook water from their saturated coats, and the males started spraying all the bushes in irritation.

"If my bar top is ruined..."

Everyone took a step away from the bartender who had managed to rescue her favorite bat.

Ellie and Jen strolled towards the group huddled behind the administration building. They were dry, having actually been in class.

"There are fire trucks pulling up out front. First dibs on ogling position," Ellie called.

Shana glanced around the group and her eyes narrowed. "Where's Laure and you know?" She had one arm around Scott's waist, while the other one cradled her laptop to her chest.

"More importantly, where's the General?" Brenda asked.

"And Kendra's missing, too," Jen pointed out.

There was a split second of silence, then a big "Ah," of understanding from the group.

"Wet General, my padawan makes the most of her opportunities." Judy grinned proudly.

"Hey, the cute firemen are around front," Julia called from the side of the building while she snapped pictures of the soggy Hos and smattering of EAs.

Inside, soaked to the skin, Laure shoved herself to her feet just as the water and alarms cut off. The Praetorian Guard were still milling about, chattering in Latin. They'd stripped the leather covers off the cushions of her couch and constructed a bizarre canopy for their emperor.

Who preened and nodded aloofly at everything that was directed his way.

Shoving her way through the guards, Laure stomped past the wet and smelly circular burn in the carpet of the outer office, noting with intense fury that the hand painted wallpaper was ruined by both smoke and water damage and that Kymira's new and extremely expensive desk had a badly charred leg

She kicked the leg very, very hard, and the whole desk collapsed in a wet and stinky heap.

Unfortunately, that only made the Mediator feel worse and she fled the office in a roiling fury.

Fresh from class, Kymira met up with a soggy and slightly inebriated Quintus on the front steps of the building just as the fire trucks pulled up.

"Oh, no," the R.A. groaned. "I just know I'm going to have to deal with it."

"It rained inside."

Kymira blinked at her EA and sniffed. "You've been drinking with the other EAs haven't you." She frowned, then stepped aside for several well built firemen to thunder past her into the building. "Wonder what caught on fire."

As the rest of the group from the building rounded the corner and began to admire the firemen who remained--well, the Ho's did and possibly Xani did (sorry Wench)--Laure stormed out of the building and down the front steps.

Kymira actually cringed back from something she'd never seen on her Master's face.

Absolutely black and deadly fury.

Laure's voice was clipped and icy and directed towards Quintus. "In my office are thirty members of the Praetorian Guard and one sniveling emperor. They're all yours."

With a twitch of soggy lace, Laure stomped past her Padawan and down the path towards the garden.

"Told you not to piss her off."

Everyone glared at the Nurse.

"Such lovely sparks in her eyes..."

Dorotea smacked Xani across the chest. "Behave."

"It's all your fault," Darry told the Librarian. "You brought back the Guard."

"Well, you didn't tell me not to!"

"Dorotea, haven't you learned your lesson about abusing the black arts?" Judy sighed.

"You should leave that to the professionals," Shana added. "And I'm cold."

Quintus looked at his lover in horror. "She didn't really give me the Guard AND the Emperor, did she?"

"This is not good," Kymira muttered.

"I just got over my freakin' cold," the Dean yelled.

Julia snapped another photo and grinned at her sister who was getting the bickering on tape.

Wrapping her arms around her wet, shivering body, Laure muttered the whole way to the cottage. As soon as she reached the porch, the door opened and a concerned Dandie appeared.

"My Mastah sensed a great disturbance in the Force. Plus, we heard the sirens."

"Burned down my office, set off the sprinklers, thirty hulking guardsmen..."

Dandie wrapped one arm around Laure and guided her into the pastel chintz comfort of her sitting room. A fire glowed in the hearth and Da Mastah sat in his big leather chair, legs stretched out, a welcoming, caring smile on his face. It might have been a smirk, but Laure was too far gone to care.

Between his outstretched hands he held a fluffy pink towel and Laure let herself be wrapped in it and drawn onto his lap.

"There, there, little one. All will be well."

"Ruin, ruin, ruin," the Mediator mumbled.

"I'll fetch hot chocolate, shall I?" the Wench asked tenderly.

"Perhaps a dollop of brandy in Laure's."

Dandie smiled beatifically at her Mastah and glided to the kitchen.

Laure let her head fall onto the broad shoulder and closed her eyes against the prickle of tears.

When Dandie returned--English castle tea tray with Rennie MacIntosh mugs of hot chocolate in her hands--she found her Mastah stroking the distressed Ho's wet hair, and making soothing sounds.

Setting down the tray, Dandie frowned slightly at the silent EA alarms scattered through the room, then shrugged and curled up on the ottoman. Qui-Gon took the proffered mug and held it to Laure's lips.

"Drink, little one."

Laure obeyed, sipping the brandy laced with chocolate and milk.

In the Mediator's extremely wet and smelly office, Quintus stared at the thirty members of the Praetorian Guard, then looked at his Emperor.

The RB was wearing the purple armor and had a wreath of gilded laurels on his head. He arched one eyebrow at the head of the Guard, then twitched his upper lip as Quintus bowed deeply.

"Hey!" Kymira thwapped her EA on the back. "Cut that out. You don't work for him anymore."

"I...I..."

Rolling her eyes, the Resident Director surveyed the damage with growing dismay. "No wonder my Master went nuts," she finally muttered.

"Quintus, you will need to find rooms for my guardsmen. See if the rooms on this floor are available. And, have someone clean up the water. Perhaps that strange little man with the braid can do it."

"Sire, with all respect, I think the task may take longer and be more involved than just mopping up water. Furniture will have to be replaced and there was a fire..."

Commo scowled. "Then find us all rooms in another building."

"Look, all these big guys can go stay on the rugby pitch and you and Laure can go to a hotel."

He scowled even harder at Kymira who glowered back, unfazed.

"What is a hotel?"

She rolled her eyes at him, then turned to Quintus. "Take the hulks to the field and find them tents."

"I need them with me at all times," Commo protested loudly. "What if someone tries to attack me?"

"You've lived here for months and no one's done shit to you," the Ho retorted.

At her raised voice, several of the guardsmen began to draw their swords, but Quintus barked firm Latin commands and they stood down.

"I shall take the guardsmen to the tents, and then I shall return to guard you with my own life, sire."

Kymira rolled her eyes even more and stomped out of the room, followed by Quintus and the Praetorians.

"But, but, where shall I sit? My throne is wet," Commo whined from behind them.

Outside, the bickering had ceased, the firemen were packing up, and the Ho's and EAs were lounging on the front lawn in the remaining sunlight.

But, as the fire trucks drove away and the sun began to set, everyone--the wet ones at least--began to grow chilled.

"Where are we supposed to sleep?"

Everyone looked at Brenda who had asked the question, then at Ellie and Jen.

"Hey, don't look at us," Ellie began, "Dorm's full."

The front door opened and a very damp General strolled outside, Tara on one arm and Kendra on the other. The Ho's on the lawn quickly disengaged themselves from their EAs--well, except for Darry who was in the bushes with Cicero.

Xani took the opportunity to slink away.

"As soon as the phone dried out Kendra called a cleaning and hauling service. They will be here tomorrow to strip out the damaged offices. Perhaps we can cancel classes and take a trip to the furniture and design center instead." The General smiled down on his Ho's, obviously not too distressed by being wet.

"Damn water Ho's probably turned on the sprinklers on purpose," Emmy muttered, but was heard only by Sere's taperecorder.

"And tonight?" Judy asked.

"The motor lodge on Highway Four should serve our purposes nicely," he replied.

"Doesn't remember our hotel preferences either," the Dean sniped before stalking away.

"Um, perhaps the Estrogen County Four Seasons would be a better choice," Shana said.

The General frowned slightly, the wrinkling of his brow making the freshmen girls in the crowd sway drunkenly. "We really should save our money for the renovations."

"Insurance, Obi-Wan, insurance," Shana replied, then turned to bark an order to Cal who was hovering on the edge of the group. "Fetch our suitcases from storage."

As he scampered off to do that, the administrative Ho's and their men headed back inside to find clothes--at least there weren't any sprinklers in the closets. Reluctantly Tara and Kendra relinquished the General to hurry to the dorm for dry clothes.

LP took Dorotea's arm and helped her up the stairs, and the General frowned even more.

"Do all these men have rooms in the administration building?" he asked Dorotea, a bit befuddled.

"Well...they are all professors and stuff. You wouldn't want them in the dorm, would you? And they really are a bit above the security guards and miners."

"Ah, yes, I see."

He was still befuddled as he watched Dorotea and LP scamper into the building and try not to slide in the water, but, sighing in acceptance, he tucked his hands in his pockets, and followed them inside.

Five minutes later, Darry popped her head out of the bushes and panted, "Where'd everybody go?"

Cicero's head joined hers, then he untangled himself and stepped out of the bushes. "Perhaps we should find someplace to stay the night." He helped Darry up and wrapped his arms around her when he saw that she was shivering.

"How about your boss' tent? It's empty."

He gave her a wolfish grin. "And full of warm, soft furs."

"Race you," the Nurse dared as she ran full tilt towards the rugby pitch. Quintus was just pulling back the canvas on Max' large tent when she reached it. "Uh uh, no way."

As Cicero jogged up behind her, Quintus gave him a frowning nod, then led the Praetorians towards some of the smaller tents.

"Aren't those..."

Darry grabbed her EA and dragged him into the tent. "Nah, Halloween costumes."

The sun set, and the night came on cool, but the little cottage in the garden was warm and cozy. Dandie sat on her chintz lounge, examining twelve different shades of yellow for the nursery walls, while Da Mastah continued to comfort the stricken and oddly silent Ho.

"Butter?"

"Perhaps pale lemon," he replied, pointing to another card.

Dandie nodded in agreement, then reached for the carpet samples. The kitchen timer went off and she smiled and rose. "The meatloaf's done. I'll just check on the scalloped potatoes. Laure, would you like to join us for dinner?"

The first question directed at her for the last couple hours brought Laure out of her stupor. She realized she was leaning against something very hard and warm. Shifting slightly she gazed up into twinkling dark eyes, as Da Mastah's arm tightened around her waist to prevent her from sliding off his lap.

Laure blushed and dropped her eyes. "Um..."

Qui-Gon brushed her tangled, dry hair away from her face, his fingers lingering on her furrowed brow. "It's very trying here sometimes, isn't it."

All she could do was nod helplessly as he stroked her back.

It wasn't until the large contingency of Ho's, EAs and General arrived at the Four Seasons that anyone noticed certain people were missing. Well, that anyone *mentioned* that certain people were missing.

"Where are Darry and Doctor Cicero?" the General asked.

"I'm sure they stayed behind in case one of the students got sick or something," Judy answered smoothly.

"And Laure?"

Dorotea flushed and slid behind Sere.

"Can take care of herself," the Dean snapped. "Can we get our rooms already? I want to take a hot shower."

The General frowned, but marched towards the reception desk.

As the scalloped potatoes required a few more minutes of cooking time, Dandie whisked Laure off Da Mastah's lap and into the bedroom. Very efficiently she stripped the still dazed Mediator of her damp, wrinkled clothes and replaced them with a pink sweater set and matching knit skirt. Sitting Laure down at her dressing table, she quickly had the curling iron hot and turned a rat's nest into a mass of curls.

"I'm not a wench," Laure mumbled, not convincing anyone.

"Dinner," Dandie said with a smile.

The meal was a quiet, relaxing affair--nothing like meal times with the Ho's--and Laure ate the comfort food and tried to avoid looking at Da Mastah. Every time her eyes slipped his way, he smiled benignly at her.

They chatted about the nursery, the gardens, the colors of the Fall leaves, anything but what had driven the Mediator soaking and distraught to the cottage, but, finally, over decaffeinated coffee, Laure found the desire inside herself to explain.

"It's not necessary," Dandie soothed.

"You've been great, Dandie, er, both of you, but..." Laure glanced down at herself. Sure, she looked good in pink, but...there were pearls on the sweater! "I just had a bit of a break down. I'm fine now. The food and warm clothes really helped."

"You're welcome to stay here, in the guest room, of course," Da Mastah rumbled.

"Uh, thanks, but I'll be fine. I need to find out what's happened with..." Just the thought of Commo brought the anger back to the surface and she reddened slightly, her lips tightening.

Full of fresh determination, Laure rose and turned to look Qui-Gon straight in the eye. "Thank you."

He sighed softly. "You're welcome."

Dandie followed Laure to the door. "Are you sure you won't stay?"

Turning to the Wench, the Mediator hugged her gently. "I can't, Dandie."

"The alarms didn't go off."

"...I know. But, they would now. I'm too much of a Ho to ever be a Wench." Throwing a final smile over her shoulder, Laure headed down the path towards the administration building.

The building was dark except for what looked like emergency lights. As she headed for the back stairs, a form broke away from the shadows and stepped into her path. She stumbled, biting back a cry of surprise, as the moon revealed the slightly exotic features of the fallen Jedi.

"You're all fuzzy," he said with a smirk on his face.

Laure's eyes narrowed. "Now is not a good time to play games with me, Xani."

"I gather you didn't take Dor's little gift very well?"

"Dorotea..." Laure growled, then shook her head in frustration. "It's not all her fault. Commo asked her to do it, I know he did. He doesn't understand why he's not an emperor anymore." Her eyes narrowed to slits, and she accused, "You're not a great influence on him, either."

"He's weak. Egotistical and megalomaniacal, but weak. Not enough of a man for a woman like you," Xani purred.

"And you are?"

"I'm egotistical and megalomaniacal, but no one has every accused me of being weak."

They stared into each other's eyes for a long minute, then Laure quickly stepped around him.

"We're not done," he called after her, laughing slightly.

Ignoring him, Laure dashed into the building and up the back stairs, taking care not to slip in the puddles. The lights were on in her office and she stepped over the large burn mark and entered the humid room.

Quintus sat in front of the bedroom door on a straight backed chair looking extremely bored. On her entry, he jumped to his feet and bowed his head briefly. "The Emperor is inside, my lady. He is...confused. The bed was not caught in the shower, so he is resting comfortably. I'm sure he will be happy to see you." He didn't look too sure about that.

"He never once mentioned me, did he."

Laure strode across the squelching carpeting, sidestepped Quintus and slammed open the bedroom door.

Commo sat up in bed, rubbing sleep from his eyes. He was wearing a pair of royal purple silk pajamas with his crest embroidered on the breast pocket. "Ah, there you are. Tomorrow we shall find better accommodations, more suiting to my status."

"You're status is tiger wrangler, and as of now any accommodations with me in them are off limits."

He frowned in the face of her controlled anger. "Dearling..."

"No cutesy names, no cuddling, no apologies even. Take your Praetorian Guard and go to hell."

Spinning on her heel, Laure stomped over to her desk and pulled a form out of the bottom drawer. Quickly filling it out, she looked up to find Commo frowning at her.

"You're vexing me."

"OUT."

Quintus stepped forward, wincing at the rather unbecoming shade of red the Mediator's face was turning, as she continued to write in very angry strokes on the piece of paper. "Sire, perhaps it would be safer for you to be near your men tonight. You can have my tent. It is very richly furnished."

"...Very well." Still frowning, Commo turned and swept from the room, followed by his head guardsman.

"And don't come back," Laure yelled after them. Throwing down the pen, she grabbed her remarkably dry purse from another drawer of her soggy desk, and headed out of the building.

Unlike the administration building, the Dorm was jumping. Laure knocked hard on the door to one of the bigger suites until Kendra opened it.

"What?"

"Ellie."

"No, Kendra. Have you been drinking?"

Laure rolled her eyes. "Is Ellie here?"

"Ellie!" Kendra yelled over her shoulder, then stepped back to allow the Mediator to enter. Tara and Jen sat at the table playing cards and ignoring the large stacks of books they were supposed to be studying. Kymira sat on the couch watching a movie, both her cub and Little Spike vying for her lap.

"Oh, gosh, I didn't even think about her." Laure sank to the couch and cuddled her tiger cub. "Are you okay, snookums?"

"Um, she's fine, how about you?" Kymira asked cautiously.

"I'm fine, too." Laure straightened her spine and became serious again. "I'm making some changes in my life."

"I'm out as Padawan?"

"Don't be silly. No..." The Mediator was interrupted by Ellie stumbling from her room.

"What?"

Laure rose and removed the folded form from her purse. "Approve please."

Ellie unfolded the piece of paper, and her eyes widened as she read, then she began to laugh. "Revenge?"

Laure tapped her foot impatiently.

"What about the RB?"

"What about him? I can have two."

"I don't see him sharing very well."

Glancing down at her Padawan, Laure smirked. "That's not a problem since he's no longer welcome in my bed."

Tara nearly choked on a piece of popcorn and Jen slapped her hard on the back.

"So, do you want me to tear up his form?" Ellie asked as she signed the new one and passed it to her giggling roommate to witness.

"No," Laure sighed heavily. "No one else would take him on and where would he go?" She straightened again. "But, at the moment, I've had it. He can stay in the tents and freeze his butt off as winter comes."

Kymira chortled. Tara took a big gulp of water and grinned.

"You have to get the General to approve this."

Laure frowned at the EA Director. "Where is everyone?"

"Four Seasons," Kendra supplied, stifling her giggles.

Taking the form back, Laure thanked the freshmen Ho's, then left the suite. Laughter erupted behind her.

Twenty minutes later she was striding up to the desk in the Four Seasons and demanding the number of General Kenobi's room. Whipping out her gold card, she got herself a suite, then she headed for the elevator.

Surprisingly the General was alone.

"No one is quite sure who has what appointment," he explained, ushering her in. "I'm glad to see that you're all right. The firemen said the fire was in your outer office. Were you hurt?" He took her hand and turned her this way and that until she laughed.

"I'm fine."

He smiled and she felt some of the anger lift. "I like your hair."

"I had dinner at Dandie's." She grinned a bit ruefully and patted her curls, then pulled the form out of her purse. It was folded backwards. "I can see you're ready for bed, so if you could just sign this insurance release..."

Giving her a wolfish grin, the General took the pen she offered and signed his name with a flourish, then caught her around the waist. "Stay?"

"Now, would that be fair to the others? We have golf tomorrow. We can...wait." She licked her lips, then brushed a kiss over his own, before sailing out the door, leaving the General dazed and confused.

The concierge was all too happy to make a copy of the form for her and after placing the original back in her purse to deliver to Ellie the next day, Laure shot the copy under the door of one of the suites. Opening her own door, she flicked on the lights, and smiled.

"You read my mind."

"Can't do that unfortunately, but...I could see you wanted to play."

Xani sat up on the queen sized bed, the sheet pooling at his waist, baring his torso.

Laure closed the door behind her without a regret and sank onto the bed.

End