Title: Not Built In a Day
Author: NurseDarry
Rating: OD (oopsidaisy)
Disclaimer: Sorry George & Ridley, I'm keeping them. I'm not making any money though. Why would I want to charge people to read this shite?
Thanks: to Laure for the beta and the inspiration. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DOR!

Well folks, here we are again outside Lowes. The Mastah and servant went in to get started, while the Nurse sat in the Range Rover with LP, lighting one of Ellie's smokes.

~*~

"Listen, Pel..."

"Pelham," LP corrected.

"Whatever," Darry exhaled impatiently. "I want you to know how flattered I am over all your attention." He picked up her hand and kissed the palm. She slowly pulled it away. "But I'm not interested." His face didn't change. "I'm in love. Sickeningly in love. Just ask anybody."

LP looked at her. "You mean that General person?"

Darry sighed, thinking of the General for a moment. Luckily though, this Ho was unencumbered by feelings of guilt. "Yes, I do love the General, but I was talking about Cic."

"He's a charming man. Very rugged." The Nurse eyed LP warily. "No, no, I have no designs on Cicero." It was LP's turn to sigh heavily. "Perhaps when you're ready to move on, you'll keep me in your mind? Your sense of style is by far the most impressive among the people with whom we reside."

"Thank you, LP-er-Pelham." The Nurse opened the door and stomped out her smoke with a Farragamo-clad foot.

"You think that new Dean might fancy me?"

Darry stood in a stunned silence.

‘Excuse me? I thought you valued style above all."

"I do," said LP, holding out his arm to Darry as he escorted her toward the barn-like store. "She's just so style-less, it's fashionable."

Darry was surprised to learn that the explicative she then uttered had been part of the 18th century English lexicon.

~*~

Quintus marched up and down among the ranks of the men of the Felix Legion, feathered helmet atop his head, knitted scarf around his neck. "Maximus may not be here, but we are still a force to be reckoned with. And we have a job to do."

The men, eager to get to work, shifted their weight from foot to foot in anticipation.

"So everyone gather round and have a look." Quintus unrolled the blueprints of the Wench's new cottage that the odd red and black horned man had just delivered.

~*~

Four hours, $30,000 and one garden shed test-drive later, the four shoppers emerged from Lowes with several employees pushing their purchases behind them in huge shopping trolleys.

"Remember what I said, Qui-Gon. No mind whammies," Darry reminded the Hippie.

"I know," he grumbled. "Believe me, if I were intent on breaking that promise, don't you think I would have done so when you and Cicero tipped that shed over? I mean, you could have at least pulled the door shut."

"Yeah, whatever..."

Qui-Gon once again thanked the Force that his Wench was as cultured as she looked. Unlike this Ho.

~*~

"A puppy; what a great idea." Obi-Wan snuggled into Emmy's embrace. "What about these tigers I see around heah, though?"

"What about them? Their trainer has strict orders to keep them controlled." She shuddered briefly and the General held her tighter.

"'Course a puppy will need papeh training..."

"This is true," Emmy said, running her fingers along his delectable stubble.

"Think you can handle it?" Obi-Wan asked.

Emmy slowly turned until she was looking right into those teal eyes. "Excuse me?" she said in a very icy voice indeed.

~*~

"I was hoping you'd actually purchase something for me this year," Dorotea bitched. She stood looking at a nekkid Xani, who posed before her with the words "Happy Birthday" written in Hershey's syrup on his smooth chest and a red ribbon tied around his wanger.

"Hey, I still have until tomorrow," Xani reminded her, running a finger across his chest and holding it out to Dorotea, who promptly stuffed it into her mouth.

~*~

In the garden shed, back behind a slide-away hidden wall, Wicket was standing back, wobbling slightly, and inspecting his handiwork. All it took was a gallon of that nice gold motorcycle paint he had found in the garage to make Bijou look remarkably like that deity his tribe had encountered on Endor.

"Yup, yup."

~*~

Most of the Hos lounged in front of the building site, sipping drinks and snapping pics.

"There's nothing like a half-nekkid Roman," Darry mused, dunking her olive back in her vodka and nodding to Judy.

Dande scowled at the Hos, wishing they'd pay more attention to the form and beauty of the new cottage than the burly men building it. Then Haken caught her eye and winked. She blushed and batted her eyelashes. Then made the most remarkable doe eyes at her Mastah. "They're hard workers, that's for sure," she passed off airily. Qui-Gon made a low sound in his chest, which expanded handsomely, and Dande swooned.

"Sere, don't forget to get the interviews," her sister reminded her as she walked around to get some "rear-view" shots.

"Ha, no worries!"

Shana turned to Laure. "Where's the psycho-hottie?"

"Pouting. He wants me to drive him to Lowes, but I refused. He seems to think that since Lowes sells everything from plastic flamingos to pickups, there's a chance he might find-"

"His sister..." Tara finished, shaking her head.

"JenJen," Julia called. "I don't need all my best butt shots to feature your hands! Now step back."

"I said maybe...." Kymira reminded Quintus as he invaded her personal space over by the blueprint table.

"For the last time, LP, she's with the General. Now either get back to work or get me another Coke," Brenda delegated to her assistant.

Kendra and Deb were alternating from poring over the Appointment Book to guiltily looking up at the sweaty workman.

The cottage was almost three-quarters of the way built when Tasha came running from the garden shed, spare blueprints in hand, yelling her head off.

Luckily Mr Vocab was not with her, Laure noticed. She didn't need to mediate THAT couple today, she thought, glancing sidelong at Qui-Gon.

"STOP!" Tasha exclaimed, and the Felix Legion, excellent soldiers that they were, all halted their hammering, sawing and measuring. They did continue sweating, though, the Hos were pleased to note. "Get away from the house!" Tasha ordered, and again, the men were quick to respond.

Dande, Qui-Gon and Quintus strode over to her. "What's the matter? Why stop the building?"

"When I was drawing these up, I completely forgot to take into account something very important. A few somethings, actually."

"What? Will it delay construction?" Qui-Gon asked, masterly. Tasha peered up into his blue eyes and then seemed to remember what she was there for.

"Well, it might.... We have to move this thing."

"What?" Dande and Quintus asked at the same time.

"You see, the foundation under this is very tenuous. Do you realize that the grounds of HSU strongly resemble the set of Hogan's Heroes?"

"Huh?" the other three asked, befuddled.

Tasha ticked off items on her fingers. "We have a mine. We have a Coliseum. We have a crypt. It's a wonder nothing has happened to half of these buildings ye-"

A massive crashing sound came from the construction site. The Felix Legion all jumped out of danger. Tara leapt into the tree she had been sitting under, pulling Laure with her. Judy hid behind a keg. Cic lunged at Darry, covering and protecting her from any flying debris. Shana dove under her wicker chair. Deb and Kendra held up The Book over their faces. Sere and Julia both hid behind Julia's camera tripod, and JenJen and Ky both tried to hid behind each other simultaneously.

Then they all looked up. The new and improved Wench cottage had just plunged into an enormous sinkhole.