Fic: HSU: Back in Bad Graces (1/1)
Author: Shana Nolan
Rating: erg. S for silly. I'm caffinated and sleep deprived. be afraid.
After: Complaint Department
Archive: yes. txt file. soon.
Disclaimers: own nothing. roomie borrowing pants to go out on date. can I
have 2 bucks to see X-Men again?
Thanks: Darry did a read over of this. the organ was mostly her idea. *g*
**************************
"Hey Servo, hand me the thingamabobber."
"What thingamabobber?"
Crow T Robot shook his head. "The grey and black one with the pointy tip."
Tom Servo chuckled and gestured at the pile of tools in front of him. "Yeah, which one, and how the heck do you suggest I pick them up with arms like these?"
"Um, good point. Hey One Eye!"
A dirty human hand reached out from inside the computer core's massive casing and grabbed the Gold 'Bot by the net. "Yes?"
Crow, had he a throat, would he have gulped. Why couldn't he have volunteered furniture cleaning duty... "I was wondering if you had a thingamabobber."
Scott sighed and released the net. "You mean a screwdriver?"
"No, a thingamabobber."
"Like this?" The mutant held up a hammer.
"No. That's a hammer."
"This I've noticed. How about this?"
Crow shook his head at the ratchet.
Tom sauntered over and pointed. "That thingamabobber."
There was a pause as Scott's hand once more wrapped around the handle of the flathead screwdriver. "This?"
"Ooooh, that! Yeah, that thingamabobber."
Tom nodded animatedly.
Scott sighed and checked the little alarm clock near Crow's knee. Three o'clock. He wasn't allowed out of the office for a few more hours and had already been forbidden use of powers and violence against his "helpers," no matter how badly he wanted to.
Crow hopped in place a little and pointed to another stack of tools. "Hey, now hand me that dohickey."
The only human present growled and pulled himself back into the huge metal shell, wrenching his elbow free from a tangle of wires hooking into the backup motherboard. "Stupid pieces of recycled tin."
"HE'S DEAD!"
Both Bots, the EA in the computer shell and the male tiger, curled up underneath the still plastic wrapped desk, looked through the open door and down the hallway. Storming towards them with a disk in one hand, the other fisted and gesturing obscenely, the less than pleased OSA Director looked ready to strangle something.
"I guess she found out about the General's burning episode," Crow muttered, considering leaping off the desk and making a break for it on the back of Incitatus. "Hey boss."
Shana crossed her arms. "Do you know about this, Crow?"
The Gold 'Bot shrugged and held up a wrench. "Nope. Just being a good little underpaid slave and fixing the machine before you revoke my life insurance."
"Have you replaced the paperwork he lost yet or is this pre-guilt rage?" Servo asked, grabbing a wire and tossing it over to his SOL cohort.
There was a pause as the Ho absorbed the words. "I was actually referring to the Rat Bastard and his damnedable Praetorian lacke-- what did Kenobi do?"
Crow twitched and moved towards the sleeping tiger.
"Hey, now you can hand me that hammer, Crow."
The 'Bot froze. "Kinda busy, BoyScout."
Popping his head out from door, Scott met blazing hazel eyes. "Why, is there-- oh, I thought I heard you come in. Did I miss something?"
Taking a deep breath and pondering how long it would take to drown a struggling man in chlorinated water, the Ho let a slow smile cross her face. "Nothing at all. Now, Crow, continue. What about the General?"
Servo hummed a funeral dirge as Crow gulped. "Well, Laure was burning the RB's stuff, and everyone else kinda got into it--"
"I recall, I was there."
"So the General found a couple boxes, and he brought them out as kindling when the main part of the bonfire was going down...um..."
"And...?"
"It made a really cool blue flame, the carbon copies that we made a few months ago."
"Notarised. Copies."
"And the laminate on that one section of papers made a pretty orange glow."
"Which notarised copies?"
Scott stood up and wiped his hands, the tension in the room now palpable. "Now, Shana, it's just paperwork, we can replace it."
Crow coughed and fiddled with his robot hands.
"Which. Notarised. Copies."
"The ones for that little deal you were arranging with Lindsey in LA that one time. Something about Microsoft."
Ho eyes narrowed.
"But I'm sure the one-handed bloodsucker has copies in his office too," Tom ventured nervously, hopping off the table and making his way towards the back of the office.
Looking at the slowly retreating Bots, Scott waved a hand around. "Look, we'll figure something out, and I'll help you out once I'm done here. And maybe after that we can go out. Maybe Emmy and her new companion would enjoy going out to dinner... "
With a raised eyebrow, Shana turned around, stalked down the office, her three inch heels clicking on the freshly polished floor, disappearing out of view.
Crow sighed in relief. "That went better than I thought."
Servo drifted forward a little, "Is it safe now?"
Scott shrugged and crawled back into the computer shell, bringing the hammer with him.
Incitatus yawned and set his head back down on his paws.
Then, like a crash of thunder, a scream filled the air.
All four in the room, both machine and living, winced.
---------------------------------
Giles' head raised in alarm from the new Obscure Maiming Spells section of the library. "What was that?"
Dorotea raised an eyebrow. "Impending Testosterone harm."
The Englishman got to his feet, hauling a pile of books with him. "That sounds painful."
"Be glad it's not you."
"That's certain. Will the chap in danger be alright?"
She snorted. "Only if we can wrangle Darry and Cic apart long enough to retrieve some band-aids and a battlefield triage kit."
"Oh. So where do these volumes on daemon raising go?"
"On the wall parallel to the coffins."
"Excellent."
-------------------------------
The RB was strolling through the freshly reconstructed camps, examining the condition of the restored Gladiator tents, sniffing when he came across the charred remnants of his precious war tent. "I will miss it."
Quintus stirred uneasily. He felt so vulnerable again without the guard, having gotten used to them being at the ready for him to command into battle. "Yes, Caesar. Perhaps we should find some safer accommodations than the field so you will not be attacked by a woman and her linens again."
Commo nodded, lovingly stroking the last bit of clothing he had that hadn't been destroyed by Laure's pyromaniac moment. "Yes. I think I shall go to Shana. As I recall, she hasn't made any attempts on my life."
The Praetorian hesitated. "With all due respect, she's as fiery as that Mediator."
The RB sighed. "I do like them that way most of the time."
"But it is worth a try so I can spend time with the Lady Kymira."
"And she still has that nightlight I so love."
"Well, my lord?"
Commo pointed at the administration building. "Let's go. She shall welcome us with open arms."
-----------------------------
Xani played with the little umbrella in his drink. "I'm getting bored."
Judy glared at the greysider from the other side of the bar. "So take up a hobby. Try hide and seek without the seeking."
"I'd rather be causing trouble, or trying to prove to Laure that I'm not incapable. Repeatedly."
Tara made a face into her iced tea.
The bartender stuck her tongue out and set down the glass she was drying. "Too much information, thanks."
"It's just," Xani continued undaunted, "that the insane Emperor is wandering around, getting yelled at, having things thrown at him, ordering people around, being threatened by Emmy."
Judy sighed and shook her head, eyeing the tequila wantonly. Yeah, it was early, but this was a possible extenuating circumstance...
"Ah, for the good old days when she would yell at me."
"So go pick a fight."
His eyes brightened. "You think it would work?"
"Sure," she grinned suddenly. "Go and tell her what you really think of Jerome and she'll be plotting your death again in nanoseconds."
"Excellent idea." Xani set down the glass and hopped off the barstool, going for the door.
"Sure, anytime," Judy murmured.
Tara shook her head. "Does he have any idea what he's getting into, not that I'm for keeping that guy out of harm?"
"He usually does."
------------------------------
"Are you free for the moment, milady?"
Arranging the desk set and keyboard on her desk, Shana looked up and snorted. "Aaah, you. And what do you need from me? Are you trying to get me in trouble, or is this a social call?"
The Praetorian sighed and rolled his eyes. Some of these women simply oozed trouble. What did his Emperor see in this one? "My Emperor wishes to speak with you."
The brunette shrugged non-commitally, scratching Incitatus' head when the tiger nudged her free hand. "Sure. No General here, dead or otherwise."
Striding in with a regal step, his hand held at his chest, Commo cocked his head and waited for his proper respect.
Shana rolled her eyes. "I don't bow, remember?"
"Of course. You, Laure and my sister--who I can't seem to find again-- are so defiant sometimes. But that aside, I was wondering if you would like to have the honour of keeping your Emperor company."
Her eyes narrowed.
"And if your bedroom is still intact after the water accident, I think that would be a perfect working point for me to monitor my command and still be comfortable."
Incitatus grumbled and wandered off in the direction of the litterbox.
"Is your room intact? I'll just appoint myself there and wait for you to finish here. You do have those bath salts I love, right?"
Standing up with a growl, her Ho ire raised over the implication of serving the less than stable EA, Shana paused when the bulky form of Quintus blocked her path.
"Out of the way, roadblock."
"I will not let you hurt him."
"Oh sod off, backstabber."
The Praetorian didn't budge.
"Fine." Turning around and grabbing the pile of wires next to the open panel, the Ho walked back up to the living wall, smiled briefly and grabbed the letter opener off her desk. "Let me pass and we'll be fine. Stay put and you and this opener will get VERY intimate."
"I don't fear you."
"A Ho," Shana began, "by herself is nothing to scoff at. But she's still not able to bring down a country. Maybe a state or province, depends on the motivation. But motivated Hos in a group, which will happen if you don't let me pull that leader of yours outta my room, are a force of galactic nature. So before my letter opener friends here are joined by their companions-- a hammer and some rubber bands-- I suggest you get out of the way."
Quintus' eyes widened. He did know better than to mess with any of these Hos, even his own Kymira, after a certain point. Looking away as he stepped aside just enough to let the grrl pass, he sighed and shouted down the hall after the quickly moving form. "Don't hurt him!"
The shout carried back to him easily. "Whatevah!!"
----------------------------
Xani strolled across the grounds, grinning to himself. Getting his speech down, trying to think of the last line that would really get the Dean mad at him, he chuckled.
This would be one of his finest moments.
About to turn for the admin building, pausing when he spotted LP drifting near the edges of the maze, a slight frown colouring his face, the greysider paused. "Something wrong?"
"Neither Darry nor Dorotea care for me anymore."
Xani crossed his arms. "Oh, really."
"Yes. And now I can't get to my scrunchies, or my coffin, or my organ--or what's left of it-- and I want something else than this dreadful cotton. My velvets were destroyed by the water."
Clucking his tongue, the greysider made a grand gesture towards the large building before setting an arm around Pelham. "Then maybe we should fix it."
"My organ?"
"Suuure. And then you can play it to your heart's content."
There was a pause. "But I was driven out by Dorotea and her uptight librarian chum."
Xani snorted. "Oh, in that case, this calls for a distraction."
LP cocked his head to the side in curiosity. "What kind?"
"The best kind, my *censored* friend, the best kind."
--------------------------
The phone rang. Muttering under her breath after the second ear shattering sound, the Dean rolled over and fumbled for the phone.
"But--."
"If it's not important, I'll just kill them."
The EA frowned and settled his head on the pillow.
Xani tried to not snicker over the phone. "Your precious General is losing it."
"And he's not getting any, either," Emmy growled back.
"No, I'm serious. The poor, limping overachiever is pondering locking you all down again and making you adore him and only him again."
"HE WHAT?"
Jerome's head reared up. "What's the matter?"
Her hand waved frantically at him. "Nothing, I'll be done in a sec here. Now, you stinky little miserable piece of daddy's boy trash, why is he doing this?"
"I don't know," Xani made kissy faces at Pelham sitting across the room, "he just started ranting-- I could hear it down the hallway, and I thought that perhaps, princess, if I warned you, you wouldn't blame me first for it."
Emmy growled and glared at the door. Great, now she'd have to clean up after yet another male...
"Or perhaps because I have told you, you'll get angry at me and yell like I so love you to do."
Jerome looked alarmed at the retching sounds Emmy suddenly made. "Get scarce, rat boy. I'll settle this myself."
--------------------------
Shana was nearly out of the building and on her way to her car for a very long drive when LP ran headlong into her.
Not really noticing whom it was, nor really caring, she waved a hand. "Oh, 'cuse me."
LP cleared his throat. "I didn't hurt you, now did I?"
"No."
"Are you certain?"
The Ho pursed a lip suspiciously. "I'm fine. Shove off."
"No, I want to make sure I haven't damaged any of your person. Perhaps I can take you to the infirmary."
"I'm. Fine."
LP held out a hand, moving to stage two of Xani's plan. "Well, at least come to the library and rest yourself for a little while."
Shana blew out a breath. "I have things to do."
"I insist," he said graciously.
There was a pause. "Will you lay off if I do?"
Pelham bowed. "As long as you are confirmed unharmed."
The OSA Director grunted. "Yeah, okay."
"Shall I carry you?"
A stare was leveled at him.
"Perhaps not. You look well enough to walk."
--------------------------------
The General sighed and paused, favouring his still tender muscles. His Grrls, the ones speaking to him anyways, were treating him so well, determined to make him feel better, his healing now apparently the higher of their priorities.
It made the appointments all the more interesting.
Smiling to himself, he wandered further down the hall, pausing when he heard voices on the other side of a door.
One of them, he realised pleasantly, was Shana. He hadn't seen her in a while, perhaps he would see if he wanted to go to the jacuzzi one of these evenings.
In the distance, ominous music played.
------------------------------
Emmy stalked down the hall, her new puppy bounding behind her excitedly at the new adventure, having read the note tacked to her door about meeting the General just outside the library. She was pretty sure he hadn't written it himself, but based on the froofy lettering, it wasn't by one of the Hos.
"Dor better not have convinced that scrunchie wearing..." She trailed off, pausing as she thought she saw something move out of the corner of her eye.
The canine at her feet looked up expectantly.
"Unless you can talk, you're stuck with me to find out what's going on here."
Puppy eyes blinked.
"Yeah, that's what I figured."
Rounding the corner, looking suspiciously around, Emmy spotted one of the other (unplanned) entrances to the library made by the addition of the organ. Shaking her head, she peered in and spotted the same figure moving again.
Raising an eyebrow and gathering a little Diva power, she stepped in, squinted through the dust and bad light and followed the figure. This was her school, and she wouldn't have someone sneaking around.
The puppy followed behind, tail wagging.
"Maybe you should wait this out in my office. Make Servo feed and walk you."
Her response was a short chuff and its wandering back into the main hallway.
Emmy crept forward and caught another glimpse of movement. Crossing her arms and hissing through her teeth, she recognised the unmistakable black clothes and arrogant sneaking manner. "Xani."
She really needed to send him and the RB off to some small, distant island with nothing but a set of Jerry Lewis marathon tapes and a pair of hedge clippers.
-----------------------------
"You burned my papers!"
"I didn't think they were important."
"You BURNED my papers!"
"They were in an old box that wasn't labeled."
"You. Burned. My. Papers."
"Shana, I heard you six times ago. It was an accident and I apologise."
Undaunted by the apology, the OSA Director continued to glare. "Listen, Obi, I know you've been busy, and yes, the school has been chaotic since.... well, it's never really had a chance to calm down EVER, but I am not happy about this."
The General eased into the Stance and smiled a bit. "Let me make it up to you."
She scoffed. "What, by using your Force ability to resurrect irreplaceable documents that I really needed to keep in case of.... well, in case of?"
"In case of what?"
"Stuff. Chaos. Normal life at HSU."
His brows furrowed. "Look, I've apologised, and I don't know what else to do."
"Plane trip to LA," Shana muttered.
"Hey!"
Snapping her head up, Shana blew a breath out as Dorotea ran up from the back of the library, Giles trailing behind her. "Yo Dor."
"What brings you here?" Dor made frantic gestures at the British librarian to back up and out of obvious view. "Both of you?"
"LP."
The General smiled at the two Hos and held out a hand. "And I came in here because I heard Shana and thought we could talk. Shall we go on that walk I mentioned?"
The OSA Director's eyes narrowed. "Only if it leads to my office and involves one of two things."
Giles coughed quietly in the background.
Dorotea grinned.
The General sighed and rubbed his temples. Maybe he should have stayed in the jacuzzi like Judy had wanted him to.
----------------------------
The grin split up the greysider's face as he watched the British Librarian and Dorotea walked towards the General and the brunette paper pusher. It was perfect. Pelham had brought the paper pusher as promised, and the sauntering figurehead had followed true to form, getting completely distracted by his attempt to calm her down.
And that, of course, moved Dor and her Tweed Boy away from the place he wanted to be: next to the slightly damaged organ.
"Now to wait for Pelham so he can claim his overgrown piano and I can go litter Emmy's office with cubic zirconias in the shape of my-- oof!"
Being knocked forward, his nose crashing into the bench, Xani dropped to the hard floor with a thud. Noticing the weight pinning him down, an elbow and various sharp things were digging into his back.
"What was that about cubic zirconias, you little troll?"
"Oooh, my little princess is trying to hurt me."
Emmy wedged the corner of her Prada wallet deeper into Xani's spine. "If I was actually trying, you'd be asking Darry to put band-aids on your kidneys."
"Promises, promises. So, what's that perfume I smell on you? It's divine."
Jumping back, but not before planting a fist between his shoulderblades, Emmy huffed and smoothed her shirt. "Anti-Greysider. So what the hell are you doing?"
Xani smiled and stood up, turning around with a sultry grin. "Trying to get your attention. Is it working?"
"Too well. Get out of here before Laure loses an EA."
He clucked his tongue. "You wouldn't harm me because you know I would like it."
She sighed. He did have a point. "Get out."
"And where do I go?" He cocked his head to the side and took a step closer. A little more egging on and she would forget all about that insane Roman and her plans for his grisly death.
"Wherevah. Laure's arms. Dor's arms. David Hasselhoff's arms. Just GO there."
He grinned and walked by her. "Only if I can go with you, princess."
Emmy growled, crossing her arms and fuming.
Sneaking in from around the corner, quickly setting the bench upright and sitting down delicately before the Dean noticed him, LP sighed happily and set his foot down on one of the pedals breaking into "Superfreak," his fingers flying over keys.
Emmy's eyes widened as she bolted out of ground zero, vowing vengeance.
---------------------
The General sighed and tried it again, ignoring the lewd gestures Dorotea was making at him. "I didn't mean it quite the way you're interpreting..."
"You arrogant, miserable jerk! What do you expect, for me to forge--"
Organ music drowned out the latter of Shana's comment.
Giles adjusted his glasses and made a piqued sound. "Oh. 'Superfreak.' Interesting selection."