*******

They all converged on the Library -- Kendra, Tara and Kymira stomped in; Jen walked in with an unhappy look on her face; Ellie kind of wafted in, her shirt buttoned wrong.

"Well, that failed totally," Kymira groused.

"The Dean's gonna remember my name now," sighed Tara. "But in really ungood way."

Kendra just shook her head, her eyes unfocused on her surroundings.

"My Master drove off for Sunnyhell. I think she's really going to bring that librarian guy here. Does that mean I'll actually have to work?"

"So, you're in charge of the library?" Kymira asked her roommate, an evil gleam in her eye.

Jen shrugged.

"Where are the dark ritual books?"

Startled from her reverie, Kendra gasped. "Ky!"

"What? How hard can it be?"

"We are not sending the Praetorian Guards back on our own," Ellie yawned.

"It might be interesting," Tara espoused.

"I've watched over Dor's shoulder before, it's not that hard." Jen began searching through cupboards behind the counter. "We'll need to draw this penta-thingy and there's a knife and some stinky herbs."

"There are always stinky herbs." Tara nodded knowingly, heading for a closed book cabinet.

"We have to get rid of those Praetorians. With them gone, the RB will revert to wussy golf boy and go back to my Master on his knees, begging for forgiveness. The Legion will return to whatever the hell it is they do around here, and Quintus..."

Everyone nodded sympathetically at the pained anger on Kymira's face.

As Kendra and Kymira joined the search for the dark ritual book, Ellie stood there watching them, then finally shrugged and headed for Dorotea's office.

Thirty minutes or so later, Kymira crowed on discovery of the book hidden in the organ bench underneath the sheet music for 'Honesty', the whole score of 'Cats', and 'The Devil Went Down to Georgia'. The fivesome reconvened in the middle of the Library.

Sitting at a slightly warped table, they scoured the book until they found the 'return from whence you came' spell and determined that they had all the ingredients. The book even provided a handy guide to drawing a pentacle using a t-square and algebraic calculations. All five Ho's looked at each other and rolled their eyes.

Tara found chalk and drew the circle free hand. Kendra lit the candles. Kymira and Ellie mixed the herbs and wine with the athame--found stabbed through a poster of Stevie Nicks. And, Jen chanted from the book.

There was a huge poof of smoke and they all began to cough.

"Hope the fire alarms don't go off again," Jen said, waving her hand in front of her face.

"We might get wet General again," Tara replied excitedly, frowning when Kendra didn't to return her enthusiasm.

"Shall we go see if it worked?" Kymira led the way out of the Library, around the maze and towards the tents. As they approached, they watched the gladiators jump to their feet and dash towards the distant field.

"Wonder where they're off to," Ellie mused, as the Ho's followed at a more leisurely pace.

The clash of swords and other battle type sounds reached their ears and they looked puzzled for a moment before Kendra brightened.

"Soldiers must be practicing."

"Then why are they screaming?" Jen asked, frowning.

The five Ho's took off running.

Pushing past the gladiators they found themselves on the edge of a real live battlefield.

The Felix Legion was doing battle with lots of dark men with big mustaches. The Praetorian Guard had formed a phalanx in front of the Emperor who sat on his throne clapping gleefully.

"Damn it, they're still here," Kymira muttered.

"Who are these new guys?" Tara asked a gladiator.

"Gauls."

"Gauls?"

"Oh... *Ga-u-l*," Jen said thoughtfully.

"Huh?" Tara asked.

Jen shrugged and tried to look innocent. "Gaul. It was in the chant. But in the context, I thought that meant the Praetorians were pissing us off."

"Oh shit," the other four cried.

"Are there more games?" a squeaking, semi-masculine voice came from behind them. Cal stepped up next to Kendra and his eyes slowly widened in horror. Suddenly a Gaul charged towards them, sword held high, maniacal look on his face.

"What's that smell?" Ellie asked, wrinkling her nose, as she watched a Legionnaire smack the charging Gaul on the head with his shield.

Cal shrieked and dashed back the way he came, leaving a wet trail behind him.

The Ho's and gladiators snickered.

Slowly the fighting spread out and the tents began to fall. Realizing their meager possessions--Brittany Spears posters, tunics bearing obscene phrases, and beer can collections--were in danger, the gladiators ran for their tents to rescue their belongings.

"Um, maybe we should go," Kendra said as a soldier flew over her head.

"Probably a good idea," Tara agreed.

"And we tell no one about this, right?" Jen asked a bit desperately.

"Definitely a good idea," Ellie nodded.

"We gotta clean the Library NOW," Kymira cried, dashing through the falling tents, her compatriots hot on her heels.

*******

Eventually the better trained Roman Legion drove the Gauls into the woods and off the property where they fled into the wilds of Testosterone County.

As the Emperor descended from his throne and bestowed laurels -- stolen bay leaves from the kitchen -- on the commanders, the Praetorians preened, while the gladiators quietly groused about the destruction of their homes. The soldiers knew better to grumble while their Emperor was in their midst, but they were not happy that they hadn't had a chance to rescue their Brittany posters, dolls, and CDs.

In the middle of the field, one lone tent remained completely unscathed, but as the Praetorians began to cheer their Emperor, the Nurse threw back the flap, stuck out her head and bellowed, "Go practice your frickin' rugby somewhere else!" Allowing Cicero to tug her back to the furs, and into his arms, she griped, "Y'know? People can be so frackin' inconsid--"

********

end?