"Where's my phone?!" Darry yelled, patting herself down.

"Uh, where's Shana?" Emmy said, brushing the sand off her black pants and dark green button-up shirt. "And why the hell did you do this in the middle of winter in Estrogen County?"

"Why the hell did you do this at all?" Laure asked in her barely contained nice Mediator voice.

"I didn't plan on this!" Dor said defensively. "I was trying to banish the Princesses!"

"DO OR DO NOT! THERE IS NO TRY!" Laure erupted.

"Terrific," Ellie sighed, blowing strands of hair out of her face.

"It's five hundred million degrees here!" Kendra said. "No water anywhere!"

"Oh, take a pill," Kymira said. "As you will notice, there's no General here either."

"I repeat," Emmy said, "where is Shana?"

"Do you have ANY idea what I was in the middle of??" Judy snapped, getting in Dor's face.

"Okay, okay, wait," Dorotea said. "If I just repeat the incantation while the spell is fresh but change a few words, maybe--"

"While the spell is fresh?" Darry said. "This isn't a cantaloupe! You flinged us to...to," the Nurse looked around and tried to figure out where she was.

"If you say Tatooine, I am going to kill you with my bare hands," Emmy said.

"I wasn't trying to send *us* to Tatooine!" Dorotea said. "I was trying to send the Princesses!"

"Well, you did a FINE job," Julia said, kicking the sand.

"Yeah, I'll bet the Princesses are having all sorts of fun on campus now!" Tara said.

Then Kendra gasped. "I bet that Bijoux is sitting in my chair right now."

"Where! Is! Shana!?" Emmy interjected.

Darry grabbed Dorotea by her very black shirt. "I don't have a phone. Do you know what this means?"

"Don't blame me for that!" Dorotea responded.

"No signal!"

"Huh?" all Ho's responded, turning toward the voice to see Shana stumbling down a dune and waving her phone in the air.

Darry made a victorious noise and ran over toward Shana as fast as she could in the sand.

"I said," Shana replied, shoving the phone in her purse, "no signal. But it looks like there's a town off that way," she said, pointing toward the dune.

The Ho's stared back at Shana, who was far too composed for a Ho who had just been catapulted from her love shack to the desert.

"Somebody has to get us out of this," Shana sniffed, flipping her hair and walking back toward the dune.

"Are you trying to say that we're incapable of handling the situation?" Emmy charged, marching a little faster and stumbling around as the clunky heels of her boots sank into the sand.

Shana turned quickly, stumbling herself over her high heels. She eyed all of the Ho's. "It would appear that I'm the only one with a phone *and* with money," she said, waving her purse at them. "You should be thanking me for having the wherewithal to attempt to go shopping today."

"Oh God, it's hot out here," Dorotea said. "I'll never survive the sunburn."

All Ho's glared at her with death stares and followed after Shana.

~*~

"We have to do something!"

"Pelham, I'm handling this," Xani said, finishing up his last round of Elf Bowling.

"Get off your ass, man! Dorotea has vanished!"

Xani dropped the mouse and turned to face Pelham with a look of surprise. And then he smiled. "Pelham, I've never seen this side of you before." Xani slinked out of his chair. "I must say, I find it very stimulating."

"We need to help her," Pelham said.

"Of course," Xani said, making a beeline for the spellbook and flipping through it. "So what exactly was she doing here?"

Pelham sighed and hung his head.

~*~

The General walked quickly through the halls of the Administration Building, calling out for each Ho as he searched their offices. He could sense that something....not quite right had befallen them.

~*~

"Maybe I never told you," Commo half-sung, half-sniveled as he cowered under Laure's desk, "I'm so happy that you're mine." He paused for a moment, trying to recall the rest of the lyrics from that country-ruling CD of his. Then he sighed. "Stand by your wo-man," he improvised. "Show the whole world you love her."

~*~

"Mastah darling," Dande said, peeking through the rosebushes. "Does something seem odd to you?"

"How so?" the Mastah asked, placing his big strong hands on Dande's shoulders as he walked up behind her.

"Well, it's just....so quiet," Dande said, glancing around campus. "Oh," she said, "here comes Obi-Wan." Dande smiled at the Mastah. Certainly the General would have scoop.

"Are they here?" the General asked as he quickly walked toward the Mastah and the Wench.

"Only us," Dande said.

"What is it, Obi-Wan?" the Mastah said.

"They're gone," the General said, running a hand through his hair. "I was with Judith. And suddenly she just disappeared."

Dande gasped. This was good scoop.

"Disappeared?" the Mastah asked.

"Into thin air," the General said. "And I checked the entire building. They're all gone."

"Well," the Mastah smiled in that way of his, "perhaps they went shopping."

"They did *not* go shopping," the General said definitively. "Judith literally disappeared. As did the rest of them."

"Padawan....er, Obi-Wan," the Mastah corrected as the General gave him a look. "They are women, and you know they always do what they wish, whether you like it or not."

"Don't patronize me," the General. "Something has happened to them."

The Mastah paused for a moment, glancing toward the empty courtyard. "Well, I do sense something....odd."

"You're so right, Mastah," Dande said, the wheels churning in her head. "What will you do?"

"Wishpuff, you stay here. We have no idea what we're dealing with, so it would be safest for you in the cottage. I will go with Obi-Wan. The Force will reveal this mystery to us."

"Of course," Dande said. "I know the two of you will figure this out. I'll just go inside and rest." Dande smiled as Qui-Gon and the General walked away. She remained there smiling as the Jedi marched on to solve this situation. She stood there some more, squinting at the Admin Building until she was certain they were inside and getting down to the business at hand.

And then Dande shot like a bat out of hell toward the Library.

~*~

"I have a bad feeling about this," Ellie said as they stood on the outskirts of the town.

"I don't see anybody who looks human," Kymira said.

"Oh wait! Over there!" Shana said, running forward to the lone human walking down the street.

"He's going to think this is his lucky day," Darry said, as the remaining Ho's sauntered slowly after Shana.

"You gotta admit, she is being admirably cognizant about this whole thing," Emmy said.

"I just want that damn phone," Darry groused.

"She couldn't get a signal," Laure said. "You can't just make it work."

"I could," Darry said.

"Uh-huh," Laure said. "You'd just throw it at somebody. And let me tell you, I am NOT mediating out here in the middle of hell! Especially not without a drink." Laure folded her arms as the other Ho's snickered at her. "A *coffee* drink."

"Uh-huh," Darry replied.

"It's so hot. I'll die if I freckle," Dorotea bemoaned, trying to hide under an awning. "What?" she asked defensively as the Ho's gave her the death stare again.

"Excuse me," Shana said, startling the lone human guy in the crowd. "Could you tell me what town this is and where we can hire a ship?"

The man stepped back. "Masheeka destum farum lachema! Barsha keeya lar doska!"

"This is going sooooo well," Judy said sarcastically.

"Hey, lady. You need help or what?"

Shana turned to see a short green scaly creature looking up at her. "Uh, yeah. Yeah, I do. What town is this?"

The green creature scoffed at her. "It's Mos Eisley, of course."

"No way," Kendra said.

"Listen," Emmy said, marching ahead, "we need transport off this rock."

Darry charged ahead even faster, cutting Emmy off. "Phone, I need a phone," she said to the green creature.

"Whoa, whoa," the green creature said. "I can see you ladies are out of your element. You need a ship?"

"Yes, we do," Laure said in her nice Mediator voice. "Can you help us?"

"Yeah," the green creature said. "I know a guy. He'll set you up. Follow me."

"Thank you," Laure said.

"He's full of shit," Judy said.

"Do you have a better idea?" Laure said.

The Ho's looked at each other. Then they all cursed under their breaths and trudged along behind their new friend.

~*~

"Alright, what did she do?" Dande said as she walked with purpose into the Library.

"Well, well," Xani said, putting down handfuls of herbs and newt eyes. "Look what we have here."

"Lady Dandelow," Pelham said, elbowing Xani aside and taking Dande's hand. "A pleasure to see you, as always."

"How kind," Dande replied in her genteel Wench voice. "It is always lovely to see you as well."

Xani snorted. "Get tired of the old man, did you?"

"Don't start with me, Greysider," Dande snapped. "Dor tried to banish the Princesses, didn't she?"

"Yes," Pelham sighed. "It seemed to be going very well, too."

"Except for the part where she went POOF!" Xani added.

"And she banished all the Ho's instead," Dande said.

"It would appear that way," Pelham said.

"So what are you going to do about it?" Dande asked.

"What do you mean, what am I doing to do about it?" Xani said.

"This whole thing is obviously your fault. If you were loving Dorotea properly, she wouldn't be dabbling in these sorts of things," Dande said.

"Oh, that's rich," Xani said. "Her boring Librarian playmate was the one who gave her this book in the first place!"

"Giles!" Dande said. "That's it. I'll just call Giles."

"Oh please," Xani said. "That bumbling bookworm doesn't know mugwort from oregano!"

"And you do?" Pelham said, giving Xani a sideways glance.

Xani made a face and then sniffed the herbs in his hand. Then he threw the oregano against the wall. "Well, shit."

Dande smirked. "My Mastah and Obi-Wan will take care of everything," she said, turning on her heel and exiting the Library, stopping just short of the door to wish Pelham a good day.

"Oh right!" Xani scoffed. "The brave adventures of Do-Gooder Kenobi and his geriatric Daddy-O."

~*~

"Good, Obi-Wan. Now, just keep your eye on the instrument panel there and then release the elf when the end of the shooting range lights up," Qui-Gon instructed.

"Ah-HA!" the General said, getting off a seemingly good shot. "Hey!" he then protested when he elf slid off the edge of the deck and into the shark's mouth.

"Mastah? General?" Dande said, standing in the doorway of the General's office.

"Oh," the General said, shooting out of his chair and playing with the papers on his desk.

"We were just," Qui-Gon said, "trying to determine our best course of action."

"Who let the elves out," blared from the computer.

"So," the General said, kicking the power switch off, "what we have here is...."

"A dire situation to be certain," Qui-Gon said. "Perhaps we should meditate on this troubling event. The Force is certain to reveal--"

"Oh, listen up," Dande said. "Dor tried a banishment spell on the Princesses, and ended up banishing the Ho's instead."

The Mastah smiled. "Of course, Wishpuff. We already knew that. We were simply trying to figure out how--"

The General smirked. "You actually let him get away with this sort of thing, Dande?"

"Well...." Dande said.

"You'd never survive being me, Mastah, that's for certain," the General said.

"I beg your pardon," Qui-Gon responded.

The General answered with an impish grin. "Now, we must determine where my grrls have been banished to. Dande, how did you discover this information."

"Um...I...." Dande paused for a moment. "I recalled that Dor had been threatening to do a banishment spell to get rid of the Princesses. So I happened upon the Library and....found her spellbook sitting right out on a table, opened to the banishment page."

"Well then," Qui-Gon said, "we shall go to the Library and look for more clues."

"Um...." Dande said. "No...."

"What?" Qui-Gon said.

"I...I ran into Pelham on my way. You know, the man who assists in the PR office. The one who gives the tours," Dande said.

"Yes," the General said.

"So I asked him to look through the Library and contact us as soon as he discovers anything that will tell us where they are."

"Thank you, Dande," the General said, his brow furrowing with concern. "Given her disdain for these...Princesses, as they call them, Dorotea probably wished to send them someplace unpleasant. We haven't much time."

"I am certain they are safe, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said.

Dande patted the General on his arm. "And you know they can take care of themselves."

"That's what I'm afraid of," the General said.

~*~

"Hey, nice place," Shana said as the green creature who they never bothered to ask a name of led them into a spacious room in one of the large buildings at the edge of town. "Who's your friend?"

All Ho's froze in place at the sound of the deep chuckle, the only sound to be heard after that was the quiet squeak of Sere's video camera as she captured the adventure for posterity.

The green creature hurried to the other side of the room and bowed deeply. "Oh great and powerful Jabba!"

"A Hutt! You led us to a Hutt!" Shana exclaimed, marching forward and kicking the green creature with her Italian leather shoe.

"You're bug squat!" Kymira yelled, pushing him across the room.

"I need my bat, and I need it now!" Judy yelled.

"SILENCE!" the guard standing next to Jabba shouted.

"Bite me," Emmy replied.

"When do I get my phone?" Darry said, smacking the creature on the head.

"We're stuck in the middle of the desert, NOBODY knows where we are, and all you can think about is phone sex??" Laure said.

"Well what the hell else should I think about?" Darry said.

"Oh, mighty Jabba," the green creature said as he tried to avoid being kicked. "I have brought you a gift. All of these beautiful women to serve you for the rest of their lives."

"Take it back!" Julia threatened, squeezing her hand around his neck. "Take. It. Back."

"Oh, I dunno," Laure said to Darry. "Maybe think about getting us the HELL out of here!"

"Yeah, whatever," Darry said, promptly shooting purple lightning throughout the whole room.

"Run!" Kendra shouted as the Hutt growled in protest and the Ho's raced out of the building.

~*~

"Well, I think....." Dande said as they sat in the General's office trying to find a way to reverse Dorotea's spell. "I think I'll go find something for us to eat."

"Thank you, Wishpuff," Qui-Gon said.

"I'll be right back," Dande said, walking slowly out of the office. And then she ran toward the Library.

As she approached the Library door, it opened and Pelham stepped out. "Oh," she said. "I was looking for you."

"How may I be of help?" he asked.

"Where was Dor trying to send the Princesses to?"

"Um.... She mentioned a desert," Pelham said.

"Tatooine?" Dande said.

"Yes! Yes, that's the place," Pelham said.

"Thank you!" Dande said, turning and running back toward the Admin Building while Pelham continued talking. As Dande scurried across the driveway, she came upon a hapless group of perplexed EA's. "Excuse me! Pregnant lady coming through!" Dande said as she hurried past them as they parted for her.

~*~

Qui-Gon and the General looked up as the office door flew open.

"Your prayers have been answered!" declared a triumphant-looking Bijoux LaRue.

"What's this?" the Mastah asked the General.

"A loco," the General grumbled.

"A what?"

"A nutter."

"Ah," Qui-Gon said.

"Everything they didn't do, I will do!" Bijoux exclaimed as she advanced on the General. "And everything they did do, I will do better!"

"You have five seconds to remove yourself from my sight," the General growled.

"Oooh, growl again," she said. "You'll find that my response will make you forget all about those Ho's." Then she glanced over at the Mastah. "Who's your friend here?"

"You'd better slow that roll, girlfriend," Dande said as she appeared in the doorway.

Bijoux turned to face Dande. "Excuse me?"

Dande reached into the secret pocket of her dress, pulled out a strip of duct tape, and slapped it over Bijoux's mouth. Dande then pushed her out of the General's office and slammed the door. When the Wench turned to back toward the General and the Mastah, she found them staring at her with surprise.

"Well, you know. Hormones and such," Dande said. "Don't mess with a pregnant woman."

The General nodded and Qui-Gon chuckled.

"What are you laughing at?" Dande snapped.

"Nothing," Qui-Gon said.

Dande gave him a look and then said, "They're on Tatooine."

"Excellent," the General said. "I'll get the ship ready," he said as he dialed the phone.

"But I don't know where on Tatooine," Dande said.

"Once we are there," Qui-Gon said, "we'll be better able to pinpoint their exact location."

"Hello?" came Cal's startled voice over the speaker phone.

"Cal, I need to have the ship ready to leave immediately," the General said.

"Oh....but....but...."

"Cal, this is Dande. Just relax."

"But the ship is in the shop," Cal said.

"What do you mean the ship is in the shop?" the General asked. "I need to save my grrls!"

"I'm...I'm...I'm sorry, General. The ship is in the shop because the shocks were shot," Cal said nervously.

"The shocks were shot?" the Mastah said.

"Yes, the shocks were shot. So it's in the shop," Cal said.

"I *need* that ship," the General said.

"But the shocks are shot. That's why I sent it to the shop, to repair the shot shocks and it's not back from the shock shop so that you can shave them," Cal stammered.

The General sighed. "Shave them? Cal, I want to *save* them."

"Didn't I say that?" Cal whimpered.

"Cal," Dande said, "just breathe."

"Well, we'll have to find another ship then," the General said, glancing out the window. "It will be dark there by now. Tatooine is cold at night," he said softly. "Not to mention the Hutts."

~*~

"You fried that bastard good," Ellie said as the Ho's made their way down the streets of Mos Eisley.

"I always do," Darry said with a flip of her hair. "Now, we need to find a phone."

"So where are we going?" Kendra asked.

"I dunno, I was just following Shana," Emmy said.

"Shana, where are we going?" Judy asked.

"I dunno," Shana said.

The Ho's stopped in the middle of the empty street. They looked around. They cursed under their breaths.

"Okay, let's think," Laure said.

"You know, I don't have night vision on this camera," Sere said. "We should go someplace lighter."

"At least it's dark now," Dor said. "I thought that sunlight would kill me. I don't have any freckles, do I?"

"Quit complaining about the heat," Tara said. "It's your fault we're here in the first place."

"It is not!" Dorotea said. "If those Princesses had never invaded campus, I would have never had to cast a spell! It's Emmy's fault that Bijoux even found out about us!"

"My fault?" the Diva huffed.

"If you hadn't gone off to Alderaan with Darry's Senator, none of this would have ever happened," Dorotea said.

"Wonder what he's up to these days," Darry said.

"That has nothing to do with this!" Emmy said.

"Sure it does," Laure said. "You *did* attract tabloid attention."

"Some mediator you are," Emmy said. "Is it my fault if Bijoux is a nosey little bitch?"

"Okay, everybody calm down," Shana said. "Here's what I think. This place has to have a nightlife, right? We just need to find a bar or something. Pilots always hang out in bars, right?"

The Ho's stood silently for a moment.

"Hey, sounds good to me," Judy said.

"Yes, a bar," Laure said. "Definitely a bar."

~*~

"I've got tears in my ears cause I'm crying for you dear," Commo sang mournfully as he poured the last drop of merlot into his chalice.

~*~

"Well, this looks like a bar," Julia said as they stood outside a small domed building.

"Sure sounds like a bar," Jen Jen said.

"Smells like a bar," Tara said.

"Light looks pretty good," Sere said.

"Well, what are we waiting for?" Emmy said, pushing Shana ahead.

"Right," Shana responded, flipping her hair and pushing open the door.

All activity in the bar came to a dead halt as the group of women filed into the place.

The Ho's looked around.

"Do you see any cute pilots?" Laure whispered.

"Hell no," Darry said.

"Well, well. Look what we have here."

The Ho's gasped and turned toward the voice. "Lando!" they all gushed with delight.

~*~

"What do you mean you don't have any available?" the General growled into the phone. "I don't care if it was a holiday weekend, I need a ship!"

"Mastah darling," Dande said tentatively.

"Yes, Wishpuff?"

"Um...." Dande pointed out window.

The Mastah stood up and walked over to his Wench, peering out the window to see a group of Princesses advancing on the building. "We'll handle this," he said, gesturing for the General to follow as he slammed down the phone.

"No ships," the General grumbled. "Looks like I'll have to steal one from Wanker College." The General looked out the window at the twittering Princesses. "Oh hell," he said, pushing open his office door. "This is all I need." He grabbed Bijoux by the arm as she groused incoherently, the tape still stuck over her mouth.

"We'll be right back," the Mastah said.

"Alright," Dande replied as the General dragged Bijoux out of Kendra's office.

~*~

"Looks like my lucky day," Lando drawled.

"I can't even begin to tell you how happy we are to see you," Shana said.

Lando kissed Shana's hand. "Not as happy as I am to see you. How did you ladies end up in this unpleasant place?"

"It's a long story," Laure said. "But we need to get out of here."

"Yeah, it's all Dor's fault," Julia said.

"It is not," Dorotea growled back.

"My ship is in a hangar just a few doors down," Lando said. "I would be happy to take you anywhere you wish to go."

"Do you have a phone?" Darry asked.

"Our hero," Emmy said, taking Lando's arm.

"That's a bit wenchy of her, isn't it?" Tara asked.

"She didn't say 'Our hero'," Judy said in a high-pitched voice. "She drawled it instead of fawning it. That was all Ho."

"Nor did she make doe eyes. She looked at him dead on," Sere said, trying to hold the camera steady. "Aren't they teaching you this stuff in Ho 101?"

"Nah, she keeps skipping class," Kymira said.

"Oh, thank you very much," Tara said.

"Don't worry," Kendra said. "The Diva didn't hear it."

"Nope," Sere said, as she exited the bar. "Just got it on tape is all," she grinned.

~*~

"Well, that's taken care of," the General said as he and Qui-Gon walked back into his office.

"I was worried," Dande said. "You were gone a long time."

"We ran out of rope," Qui-Gon said. "But we found some duct tape."

"It really has so many uses," Dande said.

"Now, we need to get a ship," the General said.

~*~

Cal walked slowly into his shed, his head hanging low at having let down the General in his hour of need. Hearing a noise, Cal jumped and switched on the light.

And lo and behold, there stood several women duct taped to his John Deere, screeching through the tape over their mouths.

Suddenly experiencing a painful flashback to his recent marriage, Cal ran like the wind out of the shed.

~*~

"Let's take Emmy's car," the General said. "It's right over--" He looked up at the roaring sound coming from the sky.

"It's a ship," Qui-Gon said.

The General paused for a moment. "It's them!" he exclaimed as he ran toward the landing pad.

"I knew they would be alright," Dande said.

As the ramp lowered to the ground, the General ran up, embracing his grrls as he saw their faces.

"Oh, good to see you General," Darry said as she hugged him quickly. Then she ran out of ship and straight for the Clinic.

"I was worried," the General said, stroking each of their faces to make sure they were all accounted for.

"Oh well, you know us," Emmy said.

"Yes, I do," the General said.

"C'mon," Judy said, grabbing his hand and yanking him down the ramp.

"Don't *even* ask me about the appointment schedule now," Kendra said, raising her hands and marching off the ship.

While the Ho's exited the ship and made their ways to their respective EA's or beloved pets or both, Dande awaited at the foot of the ramp.

"Wishpuff, I think we can go home now," the Mastah said.

"Of course," Dande said, trying to keep peeking inside the ship to see who the rescuer had been.

"Well, well, look what we have here," came a voice from inside the ship.

"Lando," Dande gushed under her breath.

~*~

Dorotea bounded into the Library, grabbed the spellbook, and flung it out the door. "I've had it with this thing!" Then she paused, took a breath, and said, "I didn't really mean that. I just need a little more practice. I'll go get it now."

"No, you won't," Xani said, wrapping his arm around her waist.

"It can wait until morning," Pelham said.

"Indeed," Xani said with an evil grin.

~*~

Having finally freed herself from her duct tape bindings, Bijoux ran madly about campus, cooking up her next scheme.

And then she tripped and fell into the hedges.

Squeaking and cursing, she untangled herself from the hedge and looked down to see what she tripped over.

It was a book.

A book with spells.

"Oh yes, this will do quite nicely," she said as she flipped through the pages. Then she stopped at the transfiguration page. "Quite nicely." She scanned the page some more. "Hens," she grinned. "Absolutely."

~*~

Laure stretched as she walked slowly out of her bedroom the following *late* morning, looking around her office for her coffee cup.

"Love?" Commo called out.

"I'll be right back Commo," she said. "Just need a little caffeine. What the? Cal! What are you doing?"

Cal jumped up from Laure's office sofa. "I'm....I'm.....I just needed a place to sleep."

"OUT!"

Cal scurried toward the door, "Sorry, sorry, sorry," he muttered as he ran out.

"Oh great, just make more work for yourself, why don't you," Laure said, shaking her head.

~*~

Cal stumbled into the shed and then proceeded cautiously inside looking warily about. Then he sighed with relief.

And then a loud clucking noise startled him, and he turned around.

"Chickens?" he asked, scrunching up his face and scratching his head. "Where'd you come from?" he said as the flock of hens clucked loudly at him.

The End