Title: HSU - That Crazy Witchcraft, Part 1 of 2
Author: Emmy
Rating: MM (Much Mayhem)
Disclaimer: George, this bears absolutely no resemblance to anything in your world.
Timeline: After Laure's 'Twelve Days'

"You what?"

"I said, I want to submit my resume for consideration."

Kendra leaned back in her chair and glared at the trolloped up Bijoux LaRue. "Consideration for what?"

"Employment, of course." Bijoux eyed the General's closed door.

"We're not hiring here," Kendra replied through clenched teeth.

"Where is your Human Resources Department?"

"Huh?"

"I want to submit my resume for any openings you may have this university," Bijoux said.

Kendra stood up out of her chair, crossed her arms, and looked Bijoux dead in the eye. "We don't *have* any openings."

Bijoux cleared her throat. "Are you trying to tell me that a publicly funded university such as HSU practices discrimination in its hiring practices?"

Kendra stepped around her desk and went toe-to-toe with Bijoux. "First of all, we are a *private* university and can do whatever the hell we want. Secondly, we aren't hiring! Now make tracks, babe, and get outta here."

"This injustice will not stand," Bijoux said. "I demand a private meeting with the General."

"As if!" Kendra exclaimed, dialing her own number on the phone.

"Ya!" came the voice at the other end of the phone. "Ellie und Kendra not home. Haken take message."

"Hak, it's Kendra. Come to my office. I need some trash moved outside."

"Ya! Haken schlep das junken. Be dere quick. Bye-bye."

Kendra smiled at the big lug's 'bye-bye' and hung up the phone.

Bijoux glared at Kendra.

Kendra smiled at Bijoux.

Bijoux turned on her heel and marched toward the door. "This isn't finished!"

"Don't tempt me!" Kendra called after her.

~*~

"Oh, Mister Pelham," one of women in the tour group gushed, "you're soooo cultured and handsome. My friends and I are going out for Chinese and karaoke after the tour. Wanna come with?"

Pelham sniffed and slanted a look at the bouncing woman. "That's *Lord* Pelham. And no." Then he turned his head toward the other women on the tour who were giving the twittering woman very Ho-liked derogatory glances. "Ladies," Pelham said with a pleasant smile, "our next stop is the museum. I am sure you will find our collection most impressive," he said, extending his arm to escort the group in the right direction. "Our current exhibit is a fascinating--"

"Oh, Mister Pelham," the twittering woman near-squealed, "where do *you* live on campus?"

Dorotea suddenly looked up from her efforts to untangle Lasher from the bench along the walkway.

"I bet you like glitter!" the twittering woman cackled in most unpleasant manner as she suddenly threw a congealed handful of sparkles at Pelham.

Dorotea's gasp of offense was echoed in the courtyard, and each potential Ho took a step back at that cue.

"Madam!" Pelham exclaimed as he tried to rub the gritty clumps of glitter out of his eyes.

As Dorotea marched forward, she unleashed Lasher. "Get the Princess!" she yelled, and Lasher lunged after his target a split-second later.

~*~

"Thanks for the tea, Dande," Emmy said as she and the slightly rounded Wench walked out of the cottage garden. "Just quit letting that hippie guy eat all the chocolate chip cookies, okay?"

"I'll make an extra special batch just for you the next time you come over, Diva girl."

"Yeah well, he'll probably eat those, too," Emmy mumbled.

"Now, Emmy, by discussing the unfulfilling nature of a materialistic life, you know he meant well. It's his way of showing affection," Dande said.

Emmy raised an eyebrow. "Don't even."

"He's just looking out for your best--"

"What the hell?"

"What? What?" Dande asked, pushing Emmy out of the way to get a good view of what the Diva was looking at.

Emmy growled at the sight of three twittering women circling the General as he walked toward the Administration Building with a befuddled expression while they pawed at him. "Alright, that's it!" Emmy said, marching full speed ahead.

"Mastah! Come quickly," Dande said with a big grin as she tried to keep up with Emmy.

Out of the corner of her eye, Emmy saw Ellie flicking ashes at two Princesses who were looming around Dr. Jones, trying to get him to notice whatever ungodly messages were scrawled on their eyelids.

At the next sound of the Princesses giggling around the General, inspiration struck the Diva.

"Hey, what the hell are you doing?" Ellie said upon seeing Emmy grab her EA's hip.

"I need to borrow this," Emmy said, taking hold of Indy's bullwhip and yanking it off his belt.

~*~

"Oooh, Obi-Wan," one of the Princesses cooed frantically, "they'll never love you like we would."

The General tried to shake the Princesses off like a cootie attack.

"That's right!" another Princess chirped. "We could give you more than they ever could!"

"Not bloody likely," the General growled and Force-pushed the Princesses off of him.

"Ooohh! He growled!" the third one shrieked as they lunged at him again.

The General held his arm out, keeping the Princesses at a distance. "Get. Off. My. Campus."

The Princesses froze for a moment, staring at him wide-eyed. "But….but….but….."

The sudden, loud crack of a whip pierced the air, followed shortly by a series of shrieks.

"You've messed with the wrong man this time!" Emmy yelled, snapping the whip at the Princesses again and pulling her arm back for another go, Ellie and Dande ducking behind her to avoid the backlash.

"You can't do this to us!" one of the Princesses yelled.

"Oh yeah? Watch me!" Emmy cracked the whip again, only to ping herself in the face when it recoiled. "Dammit!" she cursed, rubbing the owie on her forehead. "Now you've done it!" she yelled at the Princesses.

"Emmy, stop," the General said, grabbing her around the waist and trying to take hold of her arm as she swung the whip wildly in all directions, Ho's hitting the dirt all around her to avoid being hit.

"There's a better way to handle this," the General said, finally grabbing hold of her wrist, ducking down himself to avoid the lash.

"Oh, you think you know a better way?" Emmy challenged as she turned to face him.

"Let's just think of a better, *non-violent* way to handle this," he said.

"Oh right. Sure. You've been doing such a stellar job of handling them up 'til now," Emmy shot back.

"Now, wait one minute," the General started in.

"Hey, where'd they go?" Ellie said, looking around them.

"Looks like they went into hiding," Dande said. "Typical."

"Oh terrific," Emmy said, throwing her hands in the air and then glaring at the General. "While you're starting a fight, they get to sneak away and plan some other ridiculous way to annoy the frack outta me."

The General sighed and rubbed his forehead.

~*~

"I have had it," Dorotea said, squirting drops into Pelham's eyes in an effort to wash out the glitter. "Those Princesses better get ready to meet the business end of my powers."

And Xani and Pelham started cracking up.

"What?" Dorotea said, putting her hands on her hips.

"When was the last time you successfully cast a spell?" Xani asked with a smirk on his face.

Dorotea tossed a box of Kleenex at Pelham and huffed her way over to her spellbook. "Well thank you very much for the vote of confidence."

"Love, don't be mad," Pelham said, blinking his gritty eyes. "It's just that…well….."

"You don't know what you're doing," Xani said.

"I do *too* know what I'm doing!" Dorotea said, flipping through the pages.

Pelham gave Xani a scolding glance and then placed his hands on Dorotea's shoulders. "Of course you do," he said, kissing the back of her head.

"It's just a simple banishment spell. Anyone could do it," Dorotea said, scanning the page for all the items she would need. "And I have everything here," she said happily. "Time for those bitches to say bye-bye."

Xani turned back toward the computer with a chuckle.

~*~

"My Lord," Dorotea said with a smile. "Would you do the honors?"

"My Lady," Pelham said, nodding his head and lighting the last candle, smiling at Dorotea as she made eyes at him while she sipped her wine.

"Now," she said, holding her wine glass away from her other hand. "One sprinkle of this and those Princesses will be cozying up to the Hutts."

Xani paused slightly in his Elf Bowling round at the sound of Pelham's gasp followed by breaking glass. He turned in his chair to see Pelham's staring with his mouth wide open, a shattered wine glass on the floor.

"Holy shit!" Xani laughed.

~*~

The General "oomphed" as he suddenly face planted into the wall of the pub storage closet. "Judith?" he said, stepping back and looking around. "Judith?" he said a bit more frantically when he realized he really was alone in the closet.

~*~

Cicero stumbled forward onto the examination table.

~*~

Ethan screeched his motorcycle to a halt, looking on the road behind him with panic in his eyes.

~*~

"But it's only sparkling cider," Commo said plaintively as he dove under the desk in search of his love.

~*~

"Hey! Don't throw sand on my sandwich!" Kymira yelled.

"I didn't throw anything on your stupid sandwich," Ellie said.

"Where the hell did this sand come from?" Kendra said, chewing her lunch slowly and making a face.

"What the?" Emmy looked up into the bright hot sun. "WHAT THE?"

"Somebody help me get this helmet off," Jen Jen said. "I think my head is starting to swell."

"This isn't happening. This isn't happening," Laure chanted, her face buried in her hands.

"You know," Julia said, her voice laced with impending postalness. "I just mind my own business, and where does it get me?"

"No…..no clouds," Tara uttered, staring helplessly at the clear blue sky.

"You have no idea how close I was to being badly sunburned here," Judy grumbled.

"I hope the camera still works," Sere said, shaking it slightly. "God knows nobody will ever believe this."

"DOR!!" Darry snapped, adjusting her scrubs. "What the fuck did you do?"

"Oh shit," Dorotea said, trying to hide behind her arms from the hot desert sun.