Title: HSU: The Power of the Wench Side
Author: Judy
Rating: BTBWTH (Beware, There Be Wrenched Tendons Here)
Timeline: post-Settlement
Disclaimer: I don't own Obi-Wan. I own myself. And everybody else owns themselves.
Archive: Thank you, Darry!
Summary: Judy's wenchly symptoms take a turn for the worse. And the Diva goes on a crusade or is that tirade--I'm not sure which.

"Haken, be a dear and move those plants over to the window."

"Ja, ja, mien bier wenchen," the Moose replied as he lugged two large potted plants around the lounge.

Ellie nearly choked on her beer at this exchange. She knew Judy had been acting stranger than usual lately with a depressed, apathetic air. But today the bartender seemed worse. For instance, her clothes. Ellie had never known Judy to wear anything other than sleek, dark pants, trim t-shirts or stretch shirts, and sensible but stylish loafers, at least when she was working. The bartender's current outfit was a far cry from the normal attire. She was wearing a sweater set --some shade of pink--and a long, A-line skirt that complemented the top. Her shoes, half-inch pumps in faux suede, also matched and had cute little bows on top.

Ellie couldn't stand it any longer. Taking a swig of her drink, she turned around and called the bartender over.

"Judy, what the hell are you wearing?"

Judy blinked at the EA Director, then smiled brightly. "Oh, my new outfit. Do you like it?" She twirled around. "Dande and I went shopping the other day at Laura Ashley. I didn't realize what cute clothes they have."

"UmŠyou're wearing pink," Ellie felt compelled to point out.

"No, it's *mauve*," Judy quickly replied. "Dande wanted me to get another dress in a lighter shade, but..." Her eyes took on a far-off cast and her voice dropped to a near-whisper. "...that didn't seem right somehow." She shook her head, her eyes big and bright again.

"And Laura Ashley has such lovely decorating options. After I get through arranging the bar properly to maximize the positive energy, I'm going to redecorate. Dande's going to help!"

"Excuse me? Maximize?...redecorate?...Dande helping? Have you lost your mind?" Ellie yelled in frustration.

But Judy seemed unperturbed and continued on about her redecorating plans. "I had the entire bar and lounge area fung shui-ed. You wouldn't believe how much negative energy is in this place! I talked with Qui-Gon and Dande about it and they agreed. So, I'm going to have the bar removed and replaced with a little coffee nook, like those Starbuck places. It'll be so cozy. And Dande and I are meeting later to go over the color scheme for the lounge. It must be harmonious. And the fireplace is nice but the TV just has to go..."

Judy kept on rambling about her plans as Ellie felt frustration replaced by cold, stark fear. What was happening to the bartender? She quietly slipped out and leaned against the bar door. What to do now?

****

Emmy sat at her desk leering...er, looking over the latest version of the General Obi-Wan Kenobi HSU 2001 Calendar for production approval. Lasher sat in front of the desk chewing happily on what remained of a red Ferragamo pump.

The Dean was closely inspecting the ³chocolate-dipped" picture when someone knocked on her door. She ignored it. Lasher barked and drooled, then went back to chewing, making small growling noises.

Ellie waited for a response, but heard only the dog bark. Tapping her foot impatiently, she huffed loudly, then strode in univited.

"Excuse me," she ground out.

Emmy looked up to see an annoyed EA Director.

"Did I ask you to enter? I'm busy here."

"I don't care...." Ellie caught sight of the October picture. "Is that his...? Woo!"

Emmy slapped her hands over the picture. "Your reason for bothering me?"

"Oh yeah. Judy's turning into a wench."

"Impossible. She's total Ho, through and through."

"Well, then, you better go check out what's she wearing and what's she's doing to the bar. It ain't pretty." Ellie pointed her thumb back towards the door.

"I don't need to. Our resident bartender is the farthest thing from a wench."

"Okay, don't say I didn't warn ya." Ellie turned to go, but was bumped by a wriggling bundle of fur. Bending down, she fondled Lasher's ears. "Yeah, you smell McCoy all over me...and Logan too, I'll bet." Behind her, Emmy made gagging noises. Ellie rolled her eyes as she stood up. "By the way, Diva, who's shoe is your 'baby' chewing up? Surely not one of yours."

"Don't be stupid. It's either Laure's or Darry's. Not sure which." Emmy shrugged.

*****

Despite protestations to Ellie to the contrary, Emmy was indeed going to see if what Ellie said was true. But it was only out of curiosity, she told herself. Not because she believed what Ellie said.

As she entered the bar, Emmy felt dread wash over her. Huge plants were everywhere. The wooden blinds had been taken down and all the bar tables and chairs removed. Then she saw the *outfit.* What the hell?

"Judy!!" she rushed over to the bartender, who was carefully setting a beer stein down in front of Haken.

"Is that enough?" The bartender was...cooing?

"Ja, ja, Haken liken dis lager." He took a big gulp.

"Judy!" Emmy tried again. "What are you doing?"

"What does it look like, Emmy?" The bartender gave her a confused look and her voice hardened. "I was handing Haken something to drink."

"Well, it sounded like you were...you know, fawning over him."

"Fawning? Over him? Puh-leeze." Judy laughed. Haken just nodded happily and drank some more.

Emmy gave a sigh of relief. Ellie was wrong. Judy wasn't wenchy, just using poor judgment in fashion. That was all.

"You had me worried there for a moment, I will admit," Emmy said. "But what's up with the outfit?"

Judy blinked. Then her voice rose eerily, sounding more lyrical and soft. "Why isn't it lovely? Lord Pelham complimented me on it earlier. And Dande helped me pick it out." With that, she turned to Haken.

"Hak, dear, do you need another beer?" The Moose gave an enthusiastic nod and Judy moved fluidly behind the bar to pull another draught.

Emmy suddenly felt sick.

Then she got angry. The Diva wanted answers. And she knew where to go.

*****

"Open up in there Wench!" Emmy pounded on the cottage door again.

"Coming!" came Dande's lyrical reply. She clapped her hands delightedly when she saw Emmy glowering at her in the doorway. "Emmy! It's so good to see you. Come in, come in."

She ushered the Diva in. Emmy pulled away from the Wench and rounded on her.

"What have you done to Judy?"

Dande blinked. "What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean."

"No, I don't." Dande cocked her head to the side, truly puzzled.

"She turning into a wench. I want to know what you have done to her!"

"Nothing," came a deep, rumbling voice. "Judith is merely tapping into her latent Wench energy," said Qui-Gon as he walked into the room.

"Bullshit, Hippie. You're turning her! And where do you get off calling her Judith? Only the General can call her that!"

"Now, now, Emmy," Dande soothed, seeing her Mastah cross his arms and frown. She didn't want Qui-Gon getting upset.

But Qui-Gon remained calm. "Judith gave me leave to address her in that manner."

"She would *never* do that!"

"Nevertheless she did. And I think you misunderstand Dande and myself. We merely want to help Judith in her transition to the Wench side, but she took the first steps on her own. We did not help her." The Jedi Master was matter-of-fact.

"You...you...," Emmy sputtered in her anger. "I'm going to see Obi-Wan. He won't let this happen."

Qui-Gon sighed. "He may have no choice."

"We'll see." Emmy tossed her hair and strode out.

****

"So, you see Obi-Wan, this is serious. Go talk to her. Sing to her. Boink her. I don't care. Just fix it."

Emmy shoved him toward the bar door.

Fifteen minutes later, a very worried looking General entered Emmy's office.

"She said she wasn't in the mood," said the General. "She said she was too busy choosing fabrics for new drapes or something. I didn't want to believe it, but..."

Emmy was too shocked to reply. Judy turn down the General? No way!

Obi-Wan was still speaking. "...I reached out to her through the Force and found something disturbing. She is becoming stronger with the Wench side. Her Ho-clorians are becoming unstable and weakening, although at this point, it's still possible for her Ho traits to still show through."

"They do. It happened earlier. One moment she was her old self, then...whoosh...she went all wenchy. It was creeping me out." Emmy shuddered at the memory. "So now, how do we get her Ho-clorians back to full strength?"

Obi-Wan blew an errant lock of hair out of his face. "I wish I knew. I want to talk to Qui-Gon about this."

"No you don't."

"Excuse me?"

"He's glad she's 'tapping into her Wench energy' or some such crap."

Obi-Wan's brow furrowed. "But Judith is mine."

"Yeah, and in her current state, she wouldn't even mind you getting all possessive over her either." Emmy's voice was laced with sarcasm. Obi-Wan winced.

"I just want my Judith back."

Emmy came up to him and hugged him. "I know. Listen, I'll convene the board. You get to use that Jedi brain of yours." She tapped his forehead. "Do some research on her condition.We will find out what's causing this."

****

"All right, everybody, this emergency board session is now called to order," intoned Emmy as she pounded the table with a large gavel.

Dor yawned. "Can't start yet. Not everybody's here. Where's Judy?"

"This is about Judy," Emmy stated flatly. "She's gone wenchy."

Shana sat up in her chair. "You're kidding?"

"I had nothing to do with it," Dor quickly added.

Emmy snorted and Laure rolled her eyes. "Yeah, like you had nothing to do with what's happened to Tara?" asked the Mediator.

"Now, that was an accident," said Dor defensively. "Besides, I haven't seen Judy since....uh..." She looked around at all the glowering faces. "....Halloween."

"Kendra said that's about when Judy started acting strange," mused Laure.

"See?" Emmy said with a flip of her hand.

"But, really! I haven't done anything!" Dor protested. "I've been stuck in my library--the wall to which still needs fixing, by the way, O Esteemed Dean--*trying* to create a potion to cure Tara. That's all!"

"Whatever," said Emmy. "The point is we have to help Judy and fast. I won't lose her to the Wench Side."

"Does the General have any ideas? He is aware of this, isn't he?" asked Shana.

"Yes, and he's very concerned," said Emmy. "He tested her with the Force and according to him..." She looked at each of the board members. "...her Ho powers are being drained."

"What? How?" several Ho's exclaimed in horror.

"Is this like the time you lost your tiara and lost your Ho powers?" asked Dor with a wicked grin.

Emmy glared at the Librarian. "No. I didn't really lose my Ho powers, just my Diva attitude. Judy is actually exhibiting signs of true Wenchdom, and she doesn't seem to be aware of it. She still has moments of Ho behavior, but it's quickly being subordinated. I've already talked with Dande about this and she and her big Hippie say they haven't done anything. That she's the one who has instigated all contact with them."

"She asked me about feeding the General grapes the other day, but she seemed uneasy about it. I mean, I admit to certain 'wrenched tendons' but it never overwhelms my Ho nature," said Laure. "Same with Dor, although it's harder to tell."

Dor stuck out her tongue at the Mediator.

"Darry, what do you think?" asked Laure, twisting around to locate the Nurse. "Wait. Where is she?"

"Claimed she was too busy," said Dor.

"Well, this is important. A Ho's life is at stake. I'll go talk to her. Meeting adjourned," declared the Alpha Ho.

****

Emmy pounded on the clinic door.

"Darry! This is an emergency! Open up!"

Muffled curses and grumbling could be heard inside, getting louder and louder, until the door wrenched open and slammed hard against the wall.

"What?" ground out the Nurse who was haphazardly wrapped in one of her examination coats. "I'm in the middle of a delicate operation."

"Yeah, yeah," said Emmy as she swept into the clinic. "I'm sure Cic will survive. Look, we've got an emergency on our hands. Judy is turning wenchy."

Darry stared at the Diva. "Well, what do you want me to do about it?"

"Help her, of course. You're the medical care provider here."

"Whatever. Sounds to me like she just needs to be boinked senseless by the General."

"Duh. Why didn't I think of that? Thank you so very much for your sage medical advice." Emmy spat.

"Look, I can run a blood test on her or something," Darry groused. "But I still say she's probably just better off gettin' some from Obi-Wan."

The Diva flapped her hand in annoyance and started to leave, then she was struck by a horrible thought.

"Darry, if the General did have to boink Judy for her to be cured, how long do you think it would take? She's pretty far gone. I won't have to give up a lot of my time with him, will I?"

"How the hell should I know? Now, leave." Darry pushed Emmy towards the door, then wrapping her Nurse's coat tightly around her, marched back up the stairs.

****

Judy hummed lightly to herself as she compared color swatches for the new paint for the walls. Suddenly she felt dizzy and had to lean back against the bar.

She looked around. What the hell was going on here? Who was messing with her bar? She looked down. And why was she dressed in this ridiculous get-up?

A soft knock sounded at the door. Dande peeked in. "Judy? Are you ready to go over the swatches?"

Judy swayed again and blinked. She looked down at the swatches. What was she doing? Oh yes, redecorating this horrid, dark place. "Why, yes, Dande. Come in. Would you like some tea? Herbal, of course." The bartender smiled sweetly as she daintily poured the brew into a delicate china cup.

END (for now)