Title: HSU: The Next Voice You Hear...
Author: Tara
Rating: GIOW! (Getting it over with!)
Timeline: after The Power of the Wench Side. Hopefully I made it fit.
Disclaimer: It's 1:51AM, no one's up to beta and I'm determined to post. So, DUCK!
Archive: I'll send a .txt to whomever I'm supposed to
Summary: Sing along now, "Xaniwho...? Xaaaaaniwhoo-hoo-hoo!"

*******

"Okay..." Dorotea narrowed her eyes, grimly focusing on the rattling coffin lid. "This is it," she said, holding aloft a smoking vial. "If this doesn't do it...?"

"We're gonna bury this coffin six feet deep and upside down," growled Xanatos, batting at the stray bit of glitter dangling in front of his eyes.

"Xani!" the Librarian admonished. "This wasn't exactly all Tara's fault."

"Right." He nodded. "It's yo-" Reeling back from his beloved's deadly glare, he quickly amended. "Ours." At a curling lip and flash of teeth, he shrugged. "Fine. It's all *my* fault."

"Damn straight," Dorotea muttered.

"Whatever...you say, my dear," the greysider gritted. "Let us get on with this so that we may get on with more pleasurable pursuits, hmmm?" His voice ended in a husky, seductive purr as he took hold of her hand and languidly raised it to his lips. All thoughts of potions and the bewitched frosh fled as she looked into those smoldering eyes that promised endlessly wicked delights.

"My lady!"

Pelham's cry of distress snapped Dorotea out of her dazed state. "What?!" She looked at his hands, outstretched, cradled under the vial. "I wasn't gonna drop it," she said peevishly.

He sketched an awkwardly ironic bow, not removing his protective reach. "Shall we?" he asked, looking from one lover to the other.

"Release the b-"

"Xani!"

"-olt." Xanatos grinned.

Assured that Dorotea's hold on the precious potion was more secure. Pelham carefully adjusted his eye protectors so as not to interfere with the placement of the scrunchie, chosen with extreme care for this momentous occasion. For surely, this time, his ladylove had her spell right and they'd finally be rid of this braying, ridiculously unfashionable creature.

Reaching over the lid, he looked to his companions for the go ahead. Xanatos nodded. Dorotea bit her lip, narrowed her eyes and at her whispered, "Go!" Pelham jerked open the coffin, holding up the lid like a shield.

Xanatos screamed shrilly as a handful of glitter caught him in the eyes. "SONOVA-- I'M BLIND!"

Dorotea threw the contents of the vial at Tara, who gleefully erupted from the coffin like a banshee on angel dust, tackling the groveling greysider.

"My love! You rescued me!"

"Gitoffgitoffgitoff..." he whimpered, as eyes streaming he bumped into a bookshelf and momentarily knocked the frosh away.

"You tease!" she giggled, following her heart's desire slow laborious crawl into the stacks. "Are we going to play hide and seek again?"

"Damn it!" Dorotea stamped her foot petulantly and pouted. "Giles said that Bitterroot would do the trick.

Pelham turned to her in surprise. "Bitterroot? You said Slippery Elm."

"No." She shook her head slowly. "I'm sure I said Bitterroot... or was that Licorice Root?"

Pelham sighed, then cocked his ear to the sound of Xanatos' begging. "I think she's broken him, love. In a moment he's going to promise her anything if she'll only leave him alone."

Dorotea sighed, nibbled on a fingernail and considered all the variables. "What haven't we tried yet?"

"OI!"

Dorotea and Pelham jumped and turned in unison toward the doors where Kymira stood, hands on hips.

"You're gonna miss your appointment again today or what?"

"What?" Dorotea asked bemusedly.

Kymira frowned impatiently and then enunciated as one might to a very simple individual. "Your appointment, Dor? You don't want it right? 'Cause I'm taking it."

Dorotea waved her hand dismissively. "Yeah. Right. Whatever. We're a little busy in here, Ky."

"You let Tara out of the coffin again?"

"Temporarily," Dorotea sighed.

"Why?" Kymira asked.

"She needs her walkies," Dorotea snapped.

The RA laughed. "Latest 'cure' didn't work, eh? Well, personally? I like her in the coffin."

"Go away, Ky." Dorotea glared.

"Whatever," Kymira threw over her shoulder as she headed out the door.

Pelham nodded pleasantly. "I'm glad all that strike and eviction business is over, my lady."

"Hmmm?"

Realizing the Librarian was too distracted to discuss the matter, he smiled and pressed a kiss to her cheek. "Nothing, my love."

"A little help here?" Xanatos called out weakly.

The bookshelves took another jarring blow as he attempted to push his way past the love stricken freshman. He shoved the grasping grrl away, taking some measure of delight in the way she flailed, stumbling backward the way they'd come, then frowned in desperation as she righted herself against the coffin, and made to advance again.

"Doroteah? Tarah?"

The deep, resonant voice permeated the room, causing both Ho's to swing about, and stare at the source. Pelham cast an appreciative eye at the graceful figure Stancing in the entryway, while Xanatos cursed under his breath and attempted to melt into the shadows of the stacks.

"General?" Dorotea squeaked in surprise, then clapped her hands over her mouth. "I mean..." Her voice smoothed out as she offered a smile of welcome, hoping it covered the panic welling within. "General, what brings you to the library?"

"I'm out of Skittles," he said with a small wink, then turned his attention on the freshman Ho, his face growing serious. "Tarah? I've not seen you for over a week. It rained last Friday and you were no where to be found."

She swayed, and blinked as her mouth opened and closed several times. Then suddenly she straightened, her eyes once clouded, became crystal clear, and just as hard. "Excuse me, General. I was...off campus for a short...*spell*." Her eyes shot daggers at the Librarian, before narrowing. "I left something in the stacks," she said with a small, tight smile. "But I'll be right with you."

"Splendid." Kenobi smiled. "I'll walk with you and we can catch up."

Tara nodded before quickly disappearing amongst the books. The small muted, "Nottheface!" was quickly covered by a quietly fashionable cough from Pelham, but the smack of flesh against flesh required Dorotea to flash the General a crooked smile and attempt small talk.

"Lovely weather we're having this time of year."

Puzzled, the General looked past the two towards the row of books that Tara had disappeared between. "Doroteah?" he began, but the frosh's reappearance cut him short.

"Did you know you have rats in the stacks, Dor?" Tara said as she massaged her right hand. "Well, *one* anyway. Rather puny and quite ugly, but un-hygienic all the same."

General Kenobi cocked a brow, but wisely held his tongue as the two Ho's glared each other down.

"Later," Dorotea darkly promised as Tara stepped past and grabbed Obi-Wan's hand.

"Whatever," the freshman threw over her shoulder as she quickly lead the General away.

The sound of the doors slamming together echoed loudly in the library, causing the air itself to tremble and shake. The much abused shelving unit groaned a bit as it shifted, quivered, shook... before toppling, sending several large tomes crashing through the wet patch in the wall.

"Not the wall!" Dorotea wailed as the bookcase finally gave way, exposing Xanatos, holding a hand to a swelling eye.

Alone at last, none of the three noticed the small furry shape scurrying out the doors, a book tucked under its fuzzy little arm.

********

"*That's* all it took?" Kendra asked, exasperation lacing her tone. "The General saying your name?!" She placed a tall Irish coffee in front of the damp freshman. "I suggested having him stand before you, all wet," she said darkly. "But did anyone listen to me? No!" She shook her head. "Then what happened?"

Tara gratefully cupped the warm cup between her fingers and smiled wickedly. "I took him in the Koi pond."

*To* the Koi pond," Judy gently corrected as she straightened a floral chintz tablecloth.

Tara looked askance at the bartender while Kendra frowned worriedly.

Judy turned towards the two grrls staring at her. At Tara's arch look, she flushed and mumbled, "Oh. Oh, yes, of course... Oh, my." Voice and features betraying her flustered embarrassment, she hurried into the stockroom.

"Oh my?" Tara mouthed to Kendra, who shook her head in response.

"Later," she whispered as the Bartender returned, carrying a large, fussy flower and candle arrangement to place on the decorator table she'd been adjusting.

"Uhm?" Not quite able to ignore the bizarre image of Judy arranging flowers and dressed in a sweater-set the color of raspberry sorbet, topped with a unhealthy dose of Pepto-Bismol, Tara stared, faltering, until Kendra punched her in the arm.

"Ow!," Tara glared at the A#1 Water Ho. "Oh! Yea, we'll that's about it really. Except I need as much General time as I can get to..." she shuddered, "get this whole Xani," she gagged, "thing behind me. I mean, don't get me wrong, okay? I admit that Xanatos is really quite lovely to look at-- Well, he *was* until now." She glowered into her cup, her lips trembling with the effort to maintain calm. "I'm gonna need serious General cuddl-"

"Oh!" snapped Kymira as she entered the bar. "It's not bad enough that you take an appointment that wasn't yours, now you're demanding more? Not bloody likely. Get back in line with the other *frosh,* *frosh*!"

"Oi!" Kendra growled. "I'm the General's secretary, Ky! I'll handle this."

"Yeah?" Kymira sneered. "You sure you're *appreciated* enough to handle this, Ken?"

"Hey!" Tara snarled. "I just spent a week of my friggin' life, that I'll never get back, locked in a coffin, scratching hearts and frickin' flowers around, 'Xani & Tara, 2-gether, 4-ever' in the farkin' lid!"

"Grrls!" Judy sang out cheerfully. "Let's not start fighting again, hmmm? Besides," she frowned sweetly, "we are closed for renovations and you really should come back for the grand unveiling." She smiled, her eyes glowing as she took in the new decor. "It's still got a little way to go and you won't be able to truly enjoy the full effect until we're done." She started humming as she twitched a cafe curtain into place.

With a moue of distaste, Kymira sidestepped the Bartender as though she were a highly contagious agent, and joined Tara at the bar, carefully placing the freshman between herself and Judy. "Ah, geez, is she still doing that?" she asked the Bartender's padawan.

"Yeah," Kendra sighed. "But we're working on a cur--"

The Ho's were startled from their conversation as Dorotea slammed through the door, sending the decorator table crashing to the floor.

"All right," she howled. "Which one of you bitcas stole my spell book!"

"Oh, Dorotea!" Judy cried, kneeling to cradle the broken arrangement in her arms. "I just got this from the Martha Stewart Online Centerpiece Boutique today!"

Aghast, the Ho's watched as large tears welled within the Bartender's eyes. Delicate sobs shook her frame, without a single hair falling out of place.

"What is she doing?" Tara asked in a horrified whisper.

"Crying," Kendra replied shortly. "What does it look like?!"

"No." Tara shook her head as nervously climbed off her barstool and began to back away. Kymira joined her and the two jostled as each tried to shield herself from the crying Bartender with the other's body.

"Whoa..." Kymira breathed, eyes wide.

Dorotea looked away from Judy toward the two Ho's now jockeying for the position furthest away from the Bartender. "What?"

"Whaddya mean, 'what?'" Tara gasped, her eyes wide. "Look at her," she said, jabbing a finger at the Bartender. "She's *not* turning all red and blotchy!"

"And her nose isn't running," Kymira added, a quaver in her voice. "Oh, man! She's waaay freaky messed up!" she added as she broke and ran for the door.

Tara danced nervously from foot to foot. "How long has this been going on?"

"Since Halloween," Kendra said sadly, biting her lip.

"You!" Tara turned on Dorotea. "This is another one of your lame-ass concoctions gone horribly wrong, isn't it?!"

As the Librarian opened her mouth to defend herself, claxons began to blare.

::::OH, RHETT!::::

"What the fu--!" Dorotea clapped her hands over her ears.

::::OH, RHETT!::::

"It's the Wench Alarm!" Kendra yelled to be heard over the sound.

::::OH, RHETT!::::

"I thought that was only if a Ho was caught with the Hipp-" As the implications of being found in a room with a blaring Wench Alarm hit her, Tara's eyes grew a little wild. "Oh, sh-" she whimpered, as she bolted for the door.

Entering the hallway at a dead run, she promptly tripped over an ecstatically barking Lasher.

"Freeze, *wench*," the Diva drawled with a smile.

********

The sunlight was on the wan in the little forested glen as the gently muted sounds of dusk replaced the bright song of day. A chorus of crickets; the rustle of deer foraging amongst the tall, stately trees; the thump of a rabbit's hind feet as it responded to the approach of a fox; the sound of ripping paper and a steady munching interspersed with a fireside conversation.

("Tastes great,")* said Wicket as he stuffed another page into his mouth.

("Less filling,") complained Picket. (Than roses, I mean.)

("Yes,") conceded Thicket. ("But there's a whole room of these leaves and no one chases you around with gardening implements when you seek nourishment there.")

Wicket nodded in agreement as he stuffed a page bearing the words, 'Adder Tongue Arthritis Cure' into his mouth and contentedly chewed.

***

Fin for now

*Translated from the Ewok.