Title: HSU: Tea in the Sahara
Authors: Dorotea and Dande
Rating: FF for Family Feud
Timeline: After Tara's The Next Voice You Hear and Kendra's Settlement
Archive: Will send text file, Ta
Disclaimer: Dande owns the Wench Rule Book and nothing else; Dorotea lost
the Wench Rule book and owns nothing else, so there!

~*~
My sisters and I
Have this wish before we die
And it may sound strange. As if our minds are deranged.
Please don't ask us why. Beneath the sheltering sky.
We have this strange obsession.
You have the means in your possession.

We want our tea in the Sahara with you.
We want our tea in the Sahara with you.

Tea in the Sahara - The Police

~*~

"Explain this," Xanatos said waving a lengthy credit card bill in front of the Librarian's face.

Dor looked up from her Google search for 'Spellbooks for sale'. "The mail came?" She asked dryly, immediately turning her attention back to her computer screen.

Xanatos scowled and unplugged the modem connection. "Explain these 'Big Truck Body Shop' repair charges on my Platinum card. I know you haven't taken the POS you drive in for any repairs. And then there are all these charges to designer shops where I know you don't shop."

Dorotea plugged the modem back in. "I'm trying to find a replacement spellbook! Who cares about f'ing bill. You can afford it!"

Xanatos closed the laptop. "It's not a question of *if* I can afford it, but rather -- It's the principle."

The Librarian laughed. "You don't have any principles!"

"I gave you the card to use. Did you forget it at the gas station again?"

"No! I gave it to the Dean."

"The Dean?"

"Oh, relax, at least I didn't give it to Dande, then you'd have all kinds of diamond earrings and chintz curtains charged on there."

Before Xanatos could question this, Laure stormed into the Library.

"Whatever possessed you to teach Commo how to use a computer? And you," she pointed angrily at the Librarian. "Telling him to take shooting lessons! What is wrong with the two of you!?"

Dorotea rolled her eyes. "There is wine downstairs in the Crypt, help yourself."

"If you insist," Laure said, scowling. "But both of you stop filling Commo's head...with...ideas! He has enough dangerous ones by himself!"

Xani grinned, leering at Laure as she made her way to the Crypt. Dor stood up and smacked Xani. "I'd love to stay and watch you check out other women, but I have plans."

Xani turned his attention back to Dor. "First, please explain why you would give a credit card to the Dean."

"Hey, she wanted a gonad, I thought you would miss the credit card less."

"Thank you...I think. Where are you going?" Xanatos asked as the Librarian pulled on her leather jacket.

"Tea with Dande."

"The Wench? Why?" Xani asked, frowning.

"She's my friend. And I don't think it is any of your business."

"Is..HE going to be there?"

"Yes."

"No."

Dor gave Xani an angry glare. "I know you're not telling me who I can have tea with."

Xani arched a brow and cornered the Librarian against the wall. "Then you wouldn't care if I had tea with Laure?"

Dor frowned. "You and Laure having tea would probably involve her pouring boiling water on your wanger, so go for it." She said tightly, trying to duck under Xani's arm.

Xani grinned wickedly, pinning the Librarian against the wall. "I can think of something I'd rather go for," he whispered seductively in her ear.

"Go for it, then," Dor replied with a smirk.

~*~ "I wonder why Dor is so late?" Dande asked her Mastah as she delicately took a sip of decaffeinated tea out of a flowery Wedgewood cup in what used to be the pub, but was now a Tea/Coffee Shop and Cafe.

"More finger sandwiches?" Judy asked lyrically, holding out a platter of hors d'oeuvres. She was wearing a floral seashell pink flowing dress.

"Thank you, Judith," Qui-Gon said, taking a sandwich from the platter and winking at the ex-bartender, currently a wonderful hostess.

Judith smiled sweetly at the Mastah and floated away.

"I'm sure Dor is just busy working," Qui-Gon said to his glowing Wench.

Dande didn't want to disagree with her Mastah, but she found that idea to be very unlikely. She smiled and nodded at Qui-Gon, seeing no need to shatter what few illusions he had left about Dor's behavior.

Dorotea took care of that herself by breezing in, Xanatos in tow, groping her.

Both of them looking very flushed and disheveled. Dor and Xani flopped down in the booth opposite of Qui and Dande. "Sorry I'm late, something came...up," Dor said, unable to keep a straight face.

Xani pulled the Librarian into his lap, his hands roaming over her. He kissed her neck, pointedly looking at Qui-Gon. "Hey, Dad, can I borrow the car?" He asked, grinning wickedly.

Qui-Gon was silently simmering, his neck tendons bulging as he glared daggers at his former apprentice. Dande was distraught over Xani's presence and fanned her self lightly, her cheeks coloring perfectly. Qui-Gon sensed his Wench's discomfort and simmered more, his hands forming large, white-knuckled fists. "You're not welcome to sit at a table with my Wench. She does not consort with dangerous criminals," Qui-Gon said with quiet fierceness.

Dande thudded.

Dor sighed heavily.

Xanatos laughed, amused at making everyone else uncomfortable.

Darry briskly walked in to the former bar and pounded on the unpolished bartop. "Extra-large Earl Gray to go!"

Judy cheerfully poured the tea for the Nurse, handing the steaming cup to her. "Come back soon," the Stepford-Judy said with a smile.

Darry nodded, wondering why anyone would wear white shoes and pastels after Labor Day. She turned and saw the foursome at the booth. "Hell froze over and no one bothered to tell me!" She retorted as she walked briskly out of the bar, eager to get back to baking her souffle. Er, boinking her servant.

Kendra looked up from her cappuccino and saw the unlikely teamates. "What the frack is that?" she asked.

"Kinda looks like Ozzy and Harriet meet the Addams Family." Ellie responded.

Qui-Gon continued to glower. Dor whispered to Xani, "I think it would be better if you left baby."

"I'm having so much fun though, pet," Xani whispered in his lovers' ear.

"Xanatos, you are --" Qui-Gon began sternly.

Dor quickly slid off Xani's lap and pulled him out of the booth, sensing an ego-crushing lecture coming from da Mastah. "You have to go, um, torment the princesses. See if you can frame a crime on them. Theft of my spellbook perhaps?"

Xani sulked. "I want to stay."

"No. Dande is in a delicate condition, she can't handle your um, *obvious* sexual energy," Dor said, leading Xani away from the booth.

"Delicate condition? You're kidding...You mean the old goat knocked her up?" He asked loudly, obviously enjoying the dish on his former Master.

"Enough Xani!" Dorotea said as she stepped sharply on his foot. "Just...do this for me, ok? I'll make it up to you later," she promised.

"Okay," Xani said grudgingly. "But why couldn't he just stay dead? He is supposed to be dead."

"You're supposed to be dead too."

"I faked my death, he is dead dead. I was at his funeral, it was one of the happ--"

"I'll bet Pelham would really like it if you visited him at work," Dor interrupted, pushing Xani out of the door of the bar.

"Yes, Little One," Xani said making a show of deeply kissing the Librarian. "But no thudding!"

"Not a problem, kiss Pelham for me. Be sure to use the back door. Ta ta."

Dorotea sat back down at the booth and smiled sweetly at Qui-Gon and Dande. "Where were we?"

"Dorotea," The Hippie began, his face a mask of concern and gentle caring. "Surely you realize that Xanatos is not stable enough to provide the kind of emotional support necessary to a relationship. Please consider your actions Little One. You know Dande and I care for you a great deal, we are very worried about you."

Dande nodded sweetly in all the right places, making huge doe eyes at Qui-Gon, who smiled regally and patted her on the arm.

Dorotea muttered under her breath.

"What did you say Dear? I didn't hear you." The Master asked.

"I said.....MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!" The librarian shouted, attracting the interest of everyone in the ex-bar turned coffee house. "Why can't you just be happy running the show for you and Dande? Why does everyone try to control me? Am I so out of control? WAIT! NOBODY answer that!" She said casting a glare around the establishment. "I mean, you have one pregnant Wench as it is. Are you hoping for a collection?"

Qui-Gon winced.

Judith gasped and clutched her lace hankerchief.

Kymira got on her cell phone to alert the campus that there was a scene brewing in the cafe.

"Dor!" Dande said, completely shocked. "Why are you talking like that?"

"Dande, I hate to be the one to tell you....But, you're showing!" Dor spat, sick of the "Father Knows Best" routine she was getting.

Dande gasped audibly and put a hand to her stomach. Astonished that it was no longer beautifully, completely and perfectly flat. Near tears, she looked at Qui-Gon, who gave her stomach a reassuring pat and leveled his gaze across the table.

Qui-Gon pointed a finger at Dorotea. "We need to discuss your behavior, Dorotea. Have you considered the effect of your actions on others? What of Obi-Wan? What of all the people Xanatos has hurt? What if..." Qui-Gon lectured, on and on.

Dorotea sunk down in the booth cursing Judy silently for getting rid of the liquor.

Dande dabbed her eyes, and resolved to consult the Wench Rule Book about her swelling tummy.

~*~ The General's It Grrl walked into the Library with Lasher. She was sure the new Vanity Fair magazine should be in and wanted to steal the University copy.

Jen sat at the front desk, sound asleep.

Thankfully the gray-sider wasn't around. Laure had settled onto the leather sofa with a bottle of wine and the RB was with her reading a 'History of Bullfighting -- Complete With Bloody Full-Color Photographs.'

The It Grrl found the Vanity Fair and sat down to gaze at the cover. Lasher suddenly growled. "Oh, no, it better not be that blasted ghost," Emmy muttered.

Lasher bounded across the Library to a box that was sitting by the front-desk. He began to excitedly sniff the package. Emmy sighed and went to investigate. The FedEx box was from Sunnydale and it had what appeared to be airholes in it. "This can't be a good thing," muttered Emmy, as she picked up the box. She pulled out her lightsaber letter opener out of her Italian leather purse and split it open. Carefully she opened the flap, hoping it wasn't a hideous baby monster or something.

Emmy peered at the creature sitting on top of an ancient text and shouted in outrage. It was worse than a monster!

The solid black kitten in the box meowed plaintively at the Diva. Lasher barked excitedly as his master quickly resealed the box. She was trying to think of the best way to dispose of the kitten when the a very weary Librarian walked into the Library.

Dorotea was speaking in a desperate, exasperated tone into her cell phone, "I think I upset Dande...Hey!...Don't say 'Good!'...And then I had to listen to him drone on and on about all the horrific things you were going to do to me! I know, I know; I can see why you turned, Xani. Hurry back to the Library and you can get started on those horrific things immediately. It's going to take days of non-stop --" The Librarian stopped when she spotted the Dean trying to hide a box behind her back. "See you in a few minutes. Lust you too, bye for now."

"What's in the box?" Dorotea asked Emmy, sliding her cellphone into her jacket pocket. Is that the sports books from Amazon.com already?"

"You can't keep it."

"What?" The Librarian asked suspiciously, grabbing the box out of the Dean's hands as Lasher continued to bark.

Dor ripped the box open. "Ooh! She's so cute!" She cooed. "A kitty! And a new spellbook!"

Lasher thought the kitten looked like a yummy snack and the kitten thought Lasher looked like a scratching post.

Bark.

Slash.

Bite.

Meooooooooooooooooow.

The two animals tore through the Library while Dor read the card enclosed in the box. "A note. 'Every good witch needs a familiar and a spellbook, so here are yours. Love, Giles.' Aw, isn't he a sweetie?"

Emmy rolled her eyes. "Good witch!? The man must be possessed."

Jen opened her eyes. "Who's possessed?"

"Ooh, I think Judy is, maybe I can fix her. I'll look for a spell!" Dor said excitedly as her black kitten climbed up the Dean's leg and jumped onto the Librarian's shoulder. Sitting on her perch quietly, she began purring and licking her paws, completely ignoring the barking dog.

"Oy! No spells!" The Dean yelled at the Librarian as she tried to drag Lasher out of the Library, Vanity Fair magazine tucked under her arm. "We're going to have Ellie ask Dr. Jones to fix it! Don't try any of your half assed magic on Judy!"

"Sure. Fine. Whatever," the Librarian said, eagerly exploring her new spellbook. "Ooh, maybe we could put a reverse enchantment on Judy..."

"Meow."

"What do you think Kitty?"

~*~

Back at the cottage, Dande quickly retrieved her Wench Rule Book.

"Wishpuff, relax, it was bound to happen sooner or later." The Master said soothingly as he looked her rounded abdomen.

Dande flipped through the pages frantically until she found the chapter she was looking for. "Chapter Twelve. Pregnancy and the Wench. Yadda Yadda Yadda...Glowing...Blah blah blah...No splotchy skin...Uh huh, uh huh...No morning sickness...."

The Wench gasped and sunk into the chintz chaise gracefully.

Qui-Gon sat on the ottoman next to the chaise. He handed her some ginger ale and rubbed her belly gently. "What does it say?" he asked with an amused look on his face. Being an Alpha, he already knew the answer.

"It says," Dandie said, her voice cracking as she read aloud. "Even though it is hard for Wenches to comprehend this seemingly unfair turn of events, eventually, she will show. There is just no way around the matter. Of course, her Alpha will find this a gratifying display of his masculinity, thereby serving the Wench Esprit de corps quite well."

"Exactly My Wench. You see? Everything is under control."Qui-Gon said smugly.

"Oh sure, fine for you! I'm sooo glad this validates your maleness." Dande said with a playful smile on her face. "Just wait until I am as big as a house with swollen ankles and cranky! You won't be so proud of yourself then!"

Qui-Gon kissed her forehead, and put another log on the fire.

~*~

Outside the cottage, the lurking princesses screeched like a gaggle of crows.

The End.