"Where do you think Diebin is?" Darry asked as she and Dorotea walked into the secretary's office in order to use the photocopier.

"No clue, but most of the staff are out fighting WC. Maybe she's out there bravely watching Cal's back or gloriously leading the troops into battle."

"Or she could have bailed off-planet to spend the weekend with a half-clad, six-foot tall, walking sack of testosterone," Darry concluded. "What are we doing here, anyway?"

"I need to make a copy of this contract for Shana."

Darry frowned. "I don't remember processing an EA from for Shana and Xani." And frankly she wasn't really sure she wanted to split the Offworld exec three ways, either. Unless of course she got to keep all the good bits: eyes, hair, teeth, hands, and -

"It's not for Xani."

"That's cool, then. I've been getting so many EA forms these days, I've been signing them without reading them. Anyone I know?"

"Uh…no."

~*~

"Judy, we're running out of mixers!" Kendra called from the bar. "What are we gonna do?"

Judy speed-dialed Wangers. "Oh, and can you also send over an order of buffalo wings with that? Thanks. Okay, ladies, never fear. One hundred gallons of tequila is on its way to us as we speak. No need to mix anything. Ellie, go cut up five bushels of lemons. They're in my closet."

~*~

"When I left you, I was but a learner!" came a shout from amongst the WC ranks.

"Oh brother," said Ban under her breath as she and her Pirates attempted to dodge a barrage of gym shorts. "I think I liked the older model better."

Cal puffed as he deflected a blow from a mortally wounded Ewok who was lying on the ground and gamely swinging an old television antenna.

Jael rallied up to him, fending off a spotty WC frosh, who was trying to get her phone number. "We need a plan."

"I have a cunning plan!" came a voice from the sidelines.

"Baldrick, stay out of this! Do you want to get yourself kill--oh, never mind, Balders, hop on in there!" said a cultured voice next to Baldrick.

"You wouldn't know a cunning plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on a harpsichord sing-mmrrhhhhhhppph" Servo's head was nonchalantly ripped off his neck.

"That'll teach you to steal my best lines," Edmund said, surreptitiously throwing the gumball container over his shoulder.

Cal didn't even notice that the insults which had been emanating from his backpack were suddenly brought to an abrupt end. Everyone else did though and a rousing cheer went up from the ranks of both armies.

~*~

"Another grape, sweetie?" Dande asked.

"Danke- er- thank you."

"Dande? How do you keep your hair looking so nice?" Lynn asked as their entourage took a well-deserved break.

"It's natural. I can't help being this way. But don't hate me because I'm beautiful."

"No worries," Lynn said under her breath, and returned her concentration to the pair of dark, sweaty, muscular shoulders she was rubbing.

~*~

"Look, it's very simple. It's a secret weapon. You already have a sword and a knife; you don't need a tiara. Besides, it'll clash with your armour," Emmy tried to explain.

"Well, how is it that this Amazon has one, then? How secret can this weapon be?" Max gestured to the Dean.

"Caeryn!" Emmy verily screamed. "Where the hell did you get that?"

"Well, seeing as you were giving them away, I thought I'd help myself."

"Huh?"

"Diebin's got one so I though it would be ok." Caeryn neatly sliced a pair of cotton boxers in half using the tiara as a boomerang.

Emmy made a mental note to whale on Brenda for this breech of security.

~*~

Two black-clad bad guys hovered behind a large oak near the university gates.

"This doesn't look too bad," Commodus said, watching a thong fly past.

"Nah, nothing they can't handle themselves." Xanatos checked the power level on his lightsaber, looked at his watch, and decided to give it a few more minutes. He turned and shouted up at the dorm. "Judy! Gimme a Chivas on the rocks and uh-" he turned. "Drink?"

"Wine would be nice."

"-glass of Merlot, for my friend, here!"

~*~

The General thought he heard shouting in the distance, but it could have just been the dodgy tread on his front tire that he'd been meaning to fix for the last month. Wait. Hadn't Darry requisitioned a new tire awhile ago for him? He was sure he'd signed something to that effect. In fact, he thought he remembered the supplier's name from the form. George, something. Or was it Max something?

~*~

"Hey, I'm impressed," Commodus said, sipping his drink. "She got that down here without spilling a drop."

"Well, she is the best. Tom Cruise didn't graduate from her bartending school for nothing," Xanatos informed him.

"There must be some way we can take credit for the victory of this battle without actually fighting in it."

"We must have been separated at birth, you know?" the Greyside Jedi said approvingly.

"Gimme a minute. I'm sure I can come up with something."

"Sounds good to me. I've already been at this party longer than I wanted to be."

"Speaking of party, are there any girls around here we can meet? I'm vexed about the disappearance of the Student Affairs Officer."

"I think the Librarian and the Nurse are skulking around somewhere." Xanatos said.

"Well, let's find them," said the Emperor, tossing his empty glass at the combatants, where it hit Crow in the head.

~*~

Kymira paid the Wanger's delivery boy, smiling enticingly. "And if you ever need a Nutella massage, just let me know."

"Gunhhh-" she slammed the door in his face.

"Ok, grrls, we're armed and dangerous. Who wants a buffalo wing?"

~*~

"Oh, this is much better," Julia said, panning the camera around.

"Yes, it'll be a kind of a 'Blair Witch Project' meets 'Animal House'," Sere agreed, jotting down her Oscar acceptance speech.

~*~

The WC army, all facing the other direction, failed to see the black motorcycle approaching from behind.

Oh Christ, now what? General Kenobi thought to himself.

~*~

"Here, Nursie, Nursie, Nursie," Xanatos called. "I have a little surprise for you…Librarian…where areeeee you?"

~*~

"Ready girls?" Judy asked the assembled Frosh at the window. JeJen grabbed one side of the cask, Kendra the other. Ellie stood ready with the lemons, while Judy took personal responsibility for the salt.

"But you can't see the targets," Kymira said, looking out the window.

"Believe me," Judy replied. "They're down there, alright."

~*~
 
The fighting at the gate was being reduced to a shouting match as both sides were running dangerously low on ammunition. In the midst of this, the General snuck through the gate unnoticed.

"I waaav my private parts at you!"

"The circle is now complete!"

"That's Divah, with a capital D!"

Loud Ewok chittering.

"Grrr!"

"Now I am the Master!"

"Are you not entertained?"

"Your powers are weak, old man!"

"Oh my goodness, I almost broke a nail."

"Dande, shut up!"

Just then, there came a blood-curdling scream from the Admin Building.

"YOU DIRTY ROTTEN RAT BASTARD! GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!"

Everyone turned. The sound of running feet was heard, followed by the Spice Girls blaring from the tower sound system at maximum volume, accompanied by a mantra of "Deny, deny, deny."

Dorotea found herself standing in the hall with two men she just happened to have EA permission for. "Come on boys, I think the General's desk is free at the moment."

"Gods, as if we don't have enough trouble out here…" Tasha said to her groundskeeper.

The General re-started the Triumph, then looked up, as it appeared to be raining salt.

Everyone turned at the sound of the motorcycle.

"Uh-oh," Emmy said.

"And HEAVE!"

Whoooshhhhhh! SPLASHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

General Obi-Wan Kenobi had returned to his beloved school, only to find his Hos fighting a battle of knickers and himself the recipient of the biggest tequila slammer in the history of the world.