Title: HSU: Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap
Authors: Julia & Sere
Archive: GG
Disclaimer: Mr. Lucas, Lucasfilm, ILM, and a bunch of other people. Not us!
Rating: the American Board of Fic has deemed this fic unsuitable for anyone not possessing a sense of humour. It has been rated AI for Absolute Insanity, with a note from the authors to remember that they love you all...
~*~

"Who *is* that frolicking on the lawn with Diebin's new secretary?" Judy blinked, trying to focus on the three figures dancing in the spray of the sprinklers. With the morning light still blindingly bright, hitting the water and amplifying that effect, it was proving to be a bit hard.

That and she had stayed up late mixing drinks and making the new Freshmen feel at home.

The sound of accordion music drifted to the grrls standing on the doorstep.

"...Jedi I admire most, met up with Darth Maul and now he's toast. I'm still here and he's a ghost. I guess, I'll train this boy. And we were singing..."

All three broke into enthusiastic dancing and singing. "My, my this here Anakin guy, may be Vader someday later now he's just a small fry..."

"OH. MY. GOD!" Judy covered her mouth, glanced up to where the General's room was and hoped to heaven he wasn't hearing this. She marched out towards the cavorting trio. "Hey! What the heck are you -"

The trio romped off, shrieking in laughter, just as the sprinklers swirled around and caught Judy in their sites.

Thckthckthckzzzzzzzzz.....

Judy glared at the rainbirds and glared harder at the unknown trio. Well, she knew one of them was Normal Al.

She damn well would figure out who the other two were.

Thckthckthckzzzzzzzzz.....

Nailed again. She turned and marched off, dripping in outraged regalness, to find a towel.

~<>~<>~

Cal weeded what was left of the flower garden. Gently tapping down the earth next to squished plants that still had what he thought was flowers trying to bloom.

His braid fell in his face and he sat back, reaching up to affix the paperclip more firmly in his hair.

It wasn't working.

This called for drastic measures. Super Glue.

Standing, he dusted himself off and walked towards his Mustang. Just looking at it made him smile. Practicing what he hoped was the swaggering prowl of the General, Cal opened the Mustang's door and jumped back in shock as music suddenly started playing.

Accordion music.

In his Mustang?!!!

"...there's lots of pretty, pretty ones that want to get you high. But all the pretty, pretty ones will leave you low and blow your mind. We're all stars now in the dope show, we're all stars now in the dope show..."

A horrified shriek was heard throughout the entire campus as Cal punched the buttons of the tape player to no avail. Accordion playing Hanson's Oom Bop blared out full blast.

"NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

~<>~<>~

Caeryn turned her computer on and sat back in her leather chair, waiting as the hard drive booted.

She smiled as her favorite General wallpaper filled the screen and leaned forward to begin her morning's work on the new student's records.

"It's all about the Pentiums baby. It's all about the Pentiums baby. ...got a flat-screen monitor, forty inches wide, I believe that yours says Etch-A-Sketch on the side.... It's all about the Pentiums!!"

The song blared out of the computer's speakers and kept going, and going... Her picture of the General faded, morhping into one of a suspiciously familiar secretary.

"WHAT THE HELL!?" Caeryn jumped up, glared at her computer and marched to the door. Flinging it open she shrieked over the music, "DIEBIN!!!!!"

~<>~<>~

"What is going on?" Diebin resisted yanking her hair out and looked around at the outraged people standing around her desk.

"YOUR secretary!" Caeryn thumped her hand on the desk. "He's been playing pranks on all of us!"

"Infiltrating our systems with accordion music!" Tasha held up a cassette tape with a look of distaste. "Do you realize how fast that ruins the mood to have *this* come on?"

Diebin leaned forward to read the label on the cassette. "Celine does metal accordion?" She winced. "Sorry, Tasha."

"THAT isn't the worst!" Brenda handed Diebin a list. A lengthy list. "Emmy didn't feel it was right to come here herself seeing that you and she are fueding, but..." The Padawan Ho sighed and set the list on the desk. "Here's her formal complaint."

"What happened to her?" Diebin couldn't help the eager grin that twisted her mouth.

"Every time she steps out of her shower, an accordion version of 'Here she comes, Miss America' plays. It's driving her insane." Brenda shook her head as Diebin cackled gleefully.

"It's funny until it happens to you," Kymira groused. Jenn-Jenn nodded.

"He rigged our Nutella bottles somehow. Every time we open one we get to hear the accordion version of 'Duel of Fates'." Jenm-Jenn blanched. "That's just not right, Diebin!"

"Me too." Dorotea slapped a cassette down. "Had to take apart the whole friggin player to get this thing out." The black-clad grrl kicked Diebin's desk with a Doc Marten boot. "I didn't know you could play Gregorian Chants to accordion accompaniment."

"I love his music, Die." Ban sighed and sat on the edge of the desk. "But if I have to listen to 'Germs' one more time every time I turn my water on...I'm going to go a *teensy* bit insane!"

Diebin sat and listened as almost every senior member of the staff and every long-time student listed her grievance. "Okay, okay, so..." The leather-clad Ho stood. "I understand. He's hit you all. I'll talk to him, okay?"

"NOT *all* of us." Judy crossed her arms and looked around. "Has anyone seen Julia or Sere around lately?" She hadn't forgotten those two merry figures frolicking in the sprinklers.

"Now that you mention it..." Die frowned. "No." She looked at each one. "Julia wasn't there when *any* of this happened to take pictures?"

Nopes all around.

"Those little..." Diebin gathered the tapes and marched towards the door. "Excuse me. I have two pranksters to find."

~<>~<>~

The General slowed the Triumph, frowning slightly. What *was* that noise?

Stopping the bike, he pulled his helmet off and ran a hand through his hair.

No, it wasn't the bike.

Music? Out here on the edge of the campus?

With a frown, he set the helmet on the bike and prowled off to discover what new insanity had broken loose on his campus.

"Keep running! Don't let her catch you!!"

General Obi-Wan Kenobi stopped dead in his tracks, watching as three of his grrls darted around. Diebin, in her stiletto heels, had a distinct disadvantage. Sere and Julia were in riding gear and were faring much better, leading the Ho on a merry chase.

Julia ducked a cassette launched with devastating accuracy at her head, grinning at Diebin. "Missed me, and almost got him!" She pointed to him as she raced past, sunglasses firmly in place. "Hello General!"

He waved, feeling the now familiar confusion washing over him. "Hello." Would he *ever* understand Hos?

"Play another one, Normal Al!" Sere giggled as she romped past the man sitting on the paddock fence.

"Sure." With a shrug, Al started in. "Dirty deeds, done dirt cheap..."