"Federal agent!!"

Emmy lifted her hand to guard her eyes from the bright beam of the flashlight. "Oh cool it, G-man. The nurse is in there." Emmy gestured to the clinic door. "It's about damn time you showed up," she huffed as she stomped past him.

"Nice girl," Mulder said.

"The best," Han smirked sarcastically as he swaggered behind the diva.

~*~

"What did I do? Nothing! I behaved myself, and now this!"

Sugar blinked at Judy.

"All I do is make margaritas! How could that be offensive??"

Sugar jumped into a chair and curled up with her back to Judy.

"It certainly doesn't deserve being locked in my room!"

Sugar dozed off.

Judy huffed and smacked the locked door. Then she jumped as her bedroom window shattered, the tiny shards of glass bouncing on the carpet. This was followed by a gust of wind and a ripping sound as the letter 'Z' suddenly appeared on the curtain.

"Oh my...."

~*~

"Just open the damn door!" Darry crumpled up the empty cigarette pack and hurled it toward the broken remains of her answering machine.

An instant later the door flew open, crashing against the wall and knocking her nursing certificate to the floor, the frame and glass breaking at Mulder's feet.

"Sorry," he said, bending down to pick up the mess. "I don't believe we've actually met."

"Yeah, yeah," Darry said, puffing and flipping. "It took you long enough." She placed her cigarette in the ash tray and marched over to him, grabbing him by the tie and yanking him to his feet. She pulled him in and slammed the door shut.

"But I thought--"

"Oh shut up," Darry snapped. "I lost two appointments in the past twelve hours."

It was about time he met a willing redhead.

~*~

"Oh, these are priceless," Julia whispered in her dark room as the images of Diebin and George developed beautifully. "And perfectly useless," she sighed. She could only imagine what the General would do if he actually saw these. She sighed and turned on the light.

"At least the other Ho's were locked into rooms with windows," Sere snorted, getting just a little too high on fumes from various development chemicals.

Suddenly they felt a strange vibration at their feet. It was as though the concrete was moving beneath them. They yelped as the flooring next to the door crumbled upwards, dust clouding up into the air.

Julia and Sere covered their mouths and noses to shield themselves from breathing the polluted air. Then they gasped as a dusty, khaki-donned, well- tanned, adventurous-looking man adorned with a beat up fedora and a bullwhip climbed up through the hole in Julia's floor. He pulled a tattered piece of paper out of his pocket and unfolded it as he eyed them with much confusion.

Julia grinned. "Can you pick a lock?"

He eyed the door for a few moments and then pulled out his revolver and shot the lock and knob right off. He swung open the door and sauntered out, looking curiously around the hallway.

Julia quickly followed him into the hallway. But Sere stopped when she heard the echo of a woman screaming, "Indy!! Indy!!" As a blonde head suddenly popped up from the hole in the floor, Sere gave the sequined woman a good swift kick and then walked out into the hallway, closing the door the best she could behind her.

~*~

"I'm calling my attorney," Emmy huffed, grabbing Darry's cell phone the minute she finished her tirade to the senator.

All the Ho's had gathered in the lounge with their respective rescuers. The Ho's bitching and ranting and the rescuers milling around looking for drinks and snacks.

"The entire database! Yes, Paddington, I know how much work that is going to be. He OBVIOUSLY doesn't know that, nor does he care!"

Methos inched a little closer to the other men.

"Did you see him sabotaging my car?" Shana had Cal by his shirt and was shaking him hard. "My car! He destroyed my car!"

"Okay," Diebin said with much attitude. "I would just like to take a moment to point out...." She took a deep breath. "That he INTENTIONALLY took off to Aya's school with the purpose of - and I quote - 'scoping out the talent there.' While I was simply plastered and, therefore, not really responsible for my actions." Diebin exhaled loudly. "So it's OKAY for him to do it sober with STRANGERS, but it's not okay for me to do it WITH MY SECRETARY and, as I said earlier, while under the influence of a not-so-controlled substance. I mean, HE does it with HIS secretary!!" She paused for a moment. "At least he USED to!"

"He. Will. Be. Sorry." The Ho's looked up toward the sound of that voice and realized it was coming from the air vent. "AND COULD SOMEONE PLEASE GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE???"

"Shit," Shana said. "We forgot Ban."

"Bond. James Bond."

Ban grinned. She knew that. But she had to let him say it.

Shana and Diebin came to a screeching halt on their way to spring Ban from her office when they heard:

"Oh, James."

"Well, I guess that takes care of her," Shana said, swiftly turning around and heading back for the lounge.

"Wait," Diebin said. "We're still missing Jael."

~*~

"Where are you going?"

"I have to go back...just for a little while." The General swung his leather-clad leg over the Triumph.

"But you just GOT here!" Aya complained.

"I can't very well leave them locked up all day."

"Why not?" Aya huffed with her hands on her hips.

The General raised an eyebrow at her. "I'm just going to check and make sure they didn't set fire to the place and to establish some order." He lifted his arm to caress Aya's adorably pouting face with his fingertips. "I promise, I will return just as soon as I make sure that the building is still standing. I am going to enforce the lockdown and then come right back here."

"I could send the machete team with you if that would help."

The General smiled. "Granted, they might be a little upset about being locked up all night, but once I am there to reassure them and to lay down some rules, they will have forgotten all about that."

Aya just blinked at him. Maybe he really had gone insane. "Um...they're HO'S, remember?"

The General revved up the Triumph. "Trust me."

~*~

"Okay, what else are we gonna get him on?" Emmy yelled to the Ho's as she relayed information to her attorney over Darry's cell phone. "We've got: Being locked up all night, no phones, crashing the computer, sabotaging our cars, and walking out on us for some indecisive, noncommittal sammich chicks."

"Hey," Shana and Ban said at once.

"Do you two wanna be Ho's, or do you not wanna be Ho's," Diebin asked very seriously with a slight jerk of her head and loop-de-loop of her hand.

"He's pulling that Master shit on us," Darry said. "Trying to order us around and tell us how things are going to be." She flipped and puffed. "Fuck that noise."

"Got it," Emmy said, scribbling notes as she conferred with legal counsel.

"I don't know, Paddington, what do you think?" Caeryn asked her bear.  She hadn't really noticed that Methos and the rest of the rescuers were watching ESPN. In fact, the other Ho's really didn't notice either. "Yes, Paddington, you're right. This is the only way he'll learn not to sabotage my months of hard work." Caeryn carefully sat Paddington down on the sofa and walked into the middle of the Ho huddle. "I want to make a motion to remove the General from his position for conduct unbecoming of a University president."

"Don't we need a board of Regents for that?" Ban asked, shaking a batch of martini's.

Emmy flapped her hand. "My lawyer's really good. He'll figure it out."

"Since when did she have a lawyer?" Shana asked.

Emmy scribbled yet another rendition of a dead General on her legal pad. "So did anyone find Jael?"

Diebin shrugged. "I banged on her door, but she didn't answer."

~*~

Jael sighed and put in the sixteenth of forty-two tapes she was required to review for her Galactic Civilization class. Unfortunately, she had fallen a bit behind, and now it was time to play catch up. She readjusted the headphones that were making her ears go numb - and that also didn't allow her to hear anything but the painful drone of the lecturer - and flopped back onto her bed, pulling her pillow over her face.

She tried to pay attention to the lesson on the extinct tribes of Hoth as she thought about the fun everyone else must be having on this sunny day. Although she had been surpised that she hadn't seen anyone outside while she had been looking out the window during the lesson on the economy of ancient Alderaan.

~*~

Dande, having finally turned off the Titanic music only to hear much ruckus downstairs (and being unable to resist her curiosity), stepped into the Lounge. "Oh..." she gasped upon seeing a room full of MEN. Her eyes danced from Indy to Zorro to Rick...and then to Han. "Oh!"

Han, being the scoundrel that he was, swaggered over to the wench as her eyes focused on that thigh holster. "I don't believe we've met," he leered. "Hey!" he exclaimed as Darry's phone - launched by Emmy - hit him in the back of the head.

The diva stood with her hands on her hips. "I've already been dissed once today. Don't make me get Mandalorian on your ass, fly boy!"

Indy scratched his chin. "What is it about that guy?"

Han turned back to Dande and grinned. "We'll talk later."

Dande thudded as he swaggered off.

"OK, what's our plan?" Diebin asked.

"My lawyer is taking care of things. He'll be here as soon as he's finished at the courthouse," Emmy said.

"And then?" Diebin asked.

Emmy huffed. "Well, I don't know! I did my part. It's somebody else's turn now."

Shana sighed and rubbed her temples. "I need a vacation."

"Now THAT'S an idea. I know this fabulous resort on Alderaan," Darry said, flipping her hair and gesturing with her cigarette. "I say after the lawyer get here, we blow this popcorn stand until the new semester. Let the General chew on that for a week." An even more evil glint shone in her eyes. "And we'll let our benefactor foot the bill." That would teach those walking penises to run off with Aya.

In less than 2.4 seconds every Ho (including Paddington...and Dande who had suddenly and miraculously revived herself) bolted out of the lounge, running to their respective rooms to pack for their vacation.

And the rescuers cheered when they finally figured out how to make the picture in picture function work on the big screen television in order to give them optimum viewing of ESPN and ESPN2.

"Okay, so you're telling me that you flew in here on a spaceship?" Mulder asked jovially. "On this...this...Millenium Falcon, as you call it?"

"You've never heard of the Millenium Falcon?"

"Should I have?"

~*~

The General smiled as he pulled up the campus driveway. Everything was quiet, and there wasn't a soul milling about. His plan had worked better than he thought. Sure, they might be a little angry when they first saw him, but after a little prowling everything would be just fine. They were his Ho's, after all. He was actually rather excited about seeing them and felt a little bad about locking them up without any food or water. But he fully intended to make it up to them. The past was in the past, even for Diebin.

He smiled the smile of the truly dazed and ignorant and strode up the stairs to the front door.

"He shoots...he scores!" Rick yelled as the rescuers cheered the television...except for Bond who sipped his martini with one eyebrow crooked up.

"What. Is. Going. On."

Zorro pulled his sword and strode toward the General...who, in appropriate Jedi response, ignited his light saber.

"Oh shit," Diebin said under her breath as the Ho's collectively trundled into the lounge with their suitcases.

Judy ran over to Zorro. "Um...don't go there with him."

"He is an intruder," Zorro said, almost causing Judy to topple over upon hearing his accent.

"No," Judy said, "he's the General."

"This is the man who imprisoned you?" Zorro asked angrily.

Diebin marched over to the face off. "You," she pointed at Zorro, "put that thing away. If I find any Z's on my walls, my couch, or my General, your ass is mine."

"And you!" Diebin turned to the General with far more fury. Diebin's brain sputtered for a moment until she heard a knock at the door. "De-ignite...or un-ignite...or whatever the HELL you call it, and answer the door!"

"Maybe this guy didn't have the wrong idea," Han said to Ardeth, who stroked his chin and nodded in agreement.

This was ridiculous. Not only had the Ho's broken out of their offices, but they had enlisted men besides him to rescue them. The General growled and angrily opened the door, finding yet another dashing looking man who was taller than him. "And you are," the General bristled.

"Bobby Donnel," he said, stepping inside. He eyed the man who answered the door, noting his attire and most unpleasant expression. "You must be the General."

"What of it?"

"I think we can cover this quickly," Bobby said, striding into the room and looking for a place to set down his briefcase.

"Bobby!" Emmy squealed, skittering over to him. "Thank you for coming so quickly."

"Who is he?" the General growled at Emmy. "And who are all these...these...."

"Men?" Darry asked, blinking innocently.

"This is Bobby, my attorney," Emmy said.

"Your attorney?" The General crossed his arms in front of him.

"Well...our attorney," Emmy said.

"General, I am representing these women in a civil suit against you, filed this morning," Bobby said. "Effective immediately is this no contact order," he handed the General the highly charged piece of paper.

"What?!"

"Did you think you could just go all Master on us?" Darry said.

"And 'scope out the talent' at Aya's school?" Diebin said.

"And lock us up?" Emmy said.

"And destroy my car?" Shana said, barely able to restrain her homicidal urges.

The General's blood began to boil. They wouldn't dare press charges against him. He took a deep breath and looked to the person who always provided support and understanding.

"And destroy the computer system and CRASH MY DATABASE?!" Caeryn roared as her face turned red and her arms began to flail. "Do you have ANY FUCKING IDEA how much work I put into that?! You destroyed MONTHS of work in a heartbeat because of your STUPID, SELF-CENTERED PRIDE! Because Diebin had a good drunken ride on the jungle man, and you couldn't handle it - despite the fact that you fuck your way across this campus and now the whole of Estrogen County - you felt empowered and justified to DESTROY ALL MY WORK AND EVERYTHING ELSE ON THE SYSTEM!! Thanks to you I have to do schedules and plans by hand now for the ENTIRE FUCKING SEMESTER!!" The room was deathly silent, save for Caeryn's wheezing. She clenched her fists as her body trembled, her eyes turning wild.

"She's not going to kill him, is she?" Darry mumbled to Emmy.

The General stood motionless, his heart pounding in his ears as Caeryn's highly palpable anger lashed out at him. He knew better than to do what he did last night. He swallowed hard and reached his hand out to her, "Caeryn."

"DON'T YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME!! YOU THINK THAT JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE A JEDI, I CAN'T KILL YOU?? LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, I CAN KILL YOU, AND I WILL!!"

Shana jumped in between Caeryn and the General, holding up Paddington to her friend. "Caeryn, talk to Paddington," she said in a very soft and non-threatening manner.

Caeryn's eyes remained crazy for a few more seconds as Shana continued to smile and nod. Then she grabbed Paddington, and hugged him to her body. "I will be outside," she squeaked and marched out the door.

"Wow," Diebin said, impressed at Caeryn's Sith potential.

"You are SO busted," Emmy said to the General.

"I can do without your commentary, thank you," he responded coldly.

Emmy's face tightened up. That was the last time he was going to insult her. "Bobby, give it to him."

"General," Bobby said, "if you would have a seat, we can get through this rather quickly."

"Just say what you have to say and get out," the General said.

"In addition to the no contact order, the Ho's are suing you for breach of contract."

"Excuse me?"

"You stated, and I quote 'I'm just off to see what's happening at Aya's as-of-yet-unnamed university and scope out the talent there. I'm sure they can't all be as high maintenance as you lot.' That, General, qualifies as a breach of contract," Bobby explained.

The General huffed. "Contract? What contract?"

"You have violated the charter of this University, in addition to having violated an exclusivity contract established with these women by virtue of verbal agreements and your own actions over a number of months that established an expected pattern of behavior."

"Not to mention unlawful imprisonment," Mulder interjected.

"And who are you?" the General asked.

"Federal agent."

The General gave him a very non-impressed glare.

"Did you realize when you locked these women up that your actions carried a serious criminal penalty?" Mulder charged.

"Not to mention that it's just plain rude," Rick added.

The General growled.

"Thank you, Agent Mulder," Bobby said. "I was just getting to that. This civil suit also contains an unlawful imprisonment charge and a complaint of willfully endangering their safety."

"I would never endanger them," the General protested.

"I think you had better find yourself a good attorney," Bobby said. "You locked them up, sealed the windows, and disconnected the phones. Did it occur to you what might happen if any of them became injured or if a fire broke out?"

"Yeah," Diebin said enthusiastically.

"Can we call the fire marshal on him, too?" Shana asked.

"Ladies, please. The less you say at this point, the better," Bobby said. "The final complaint in this lawsuit is a willful destruction of property with forethought of malice."

"Which also carries a criminal charge," Mulder added.

"This is ridiculous," the General said.

"General, you said and I quote 'I've taken the liberty of disconnecting the phones and the computers and also sabotaging your cars.' I believe that qualifies as forethought of malice. Of course, that is for the judge to decide. We have a hearing date set for March 30th. I strongly suggest you seek representation immediately."

"What about emotional distress?" Shana added. "I think we've all suffered severe emotional distress."

"Bobby says it's better to go with the charges that can be easily proven," Emmy said.

"Um...did you just see Caeryn? How's that for proof?"

The General sighed, "Ladies, isn't there anyway we can work this out?"

"General," Bobby said, "may I remind you of the no contact order. If you persist on harrassing these women, they are well within their rights to call the police."

"But-"

"Now, we have one more order of business," Bobby said. "I have drawn up these papers establishing that Caeryn, Shana, Emmy, Diebin, and Darry form the Board of Regents of this university."

"Cool," Diebin said.

"I told you he was good," Emmy said.

"And what is the purpose of this?" the General asked, growing very tired of the proceedings.

"Caeryn wants you ousted in a big way," Shana said. "She made a motion to remove you from your position here."

"She can't do that," he said.

"She can now," Bobby said.

"Payback's a bitch," Darry said, flipping and puffing.

"I am the reason this university is here," the General growled.

"WE are the reason this university is here. WE. The 'lot' as you so lovingly referred to us," Emmy said with much venom in her words. "WE are the ones who made you president. WE are the ones who keep you happy," she seethed, jabbing her index finger at him for emphasis. "You know damn well that despite all the bantering and badgering, we'd do just about anything for you...."

"Like spring you out of the looney bin," Diebin said.

"Twice," Shana added.

"We share you without too much complaint," Emmy continued, "except, of course, when you withhold your affections as some kind of sadistic form of punishment. But when you have a moment of not feeling like super macho man, you go postal on us."

"That Master shit is NOT ON," Darry snapped.

"So fine," Emmy said. "You want wenches you can order around? You go right off and find them since it is painfully obvious that you don't want us anymore and can't treat us any better than your pets."

The General scanned the Ho's faces, all showing anger and hurt. He lowered his head and placed his hands on his leather-clad hips. He took a deep breath and looked up at all of them. "I need you. All of you."

Diebin clenched her throat and swallowed the beginnings of an 'eep.'

"I don't know what came over me last night," he continued. "I'm sorry."

"Somebody catch Brenda," Emmy called out, still staring straight at the General. "We don't want a Master," she said between clenched teeth. "We're outta here until you stop acting like one."

"Wait-"

Emmy gulped. Too bad he underestimated the willpower of a Ho scorned. "We're taking a vacation. We'll see you in court." She picked up her suitcases. "Let's go, guys."

The rescuers reluctantly turned off the television, which they had turned back to when all the mushy talk started.

"You're going with them?" the General growled.

"Have fun with the bots," Shana said. "And you'd better damn well have that computer system fixed by the time we get back...and don't get me started on the cars right now."

The Ho's marched outside toward the Falcon. The General's eyes grew wide when he saw the hunk of junk parked on the lawn. How had he not seen that before?

"This is amazing," Mulder giggled.

The General prowled to the head of the pack, stopping the Ho's in their tracks. "Where are you going?"

"Alderaan," Darry replied.

Han groaned.

"I will have you know that I won't be cast off while you go play with these....these...."

"Again, they're called men," Darry said patronizingly.

The General bristled. "And I won't be sitting here all by myself," he growled. "In fact, I am heading straight back to Aya's."

"Good luck," Diebin snorted.

"And what is that supposed to mean?"

"We're having your bike impounded," Emmy said.

"WHAT?!"

"Yeah," Diebin said. "I seem to have lost the registration. Oopsie!" She shrugged and turned on her stiletto heel to follow Rick's ass up the ramp.

The General growled under his breath as he watched the long line of Ho's - and one Wench - board the Falcon. Then he turned and walked back inside.

"Oh God," Diebin said watching him through the window. "We can't just leave him here all alone with his leather pants on."

"We can, and we will," Emmy said. She patted Diebin on the shoulder as the dramatic music swelled. "You are a Ho, Die. Never forget that."

"Yeah," Diebin said, wiping a proud tear from her eye as the Falcon creaked and lifted off the grass.

~*~

The General grabbed the pile of legal papers and tossed them across the room with an angry growl.

"For what it's worth, they're crazy to walk out on you like that."

The General spun around to find the padawannabe sucking up. Then a lightbulb went on. Cal's was the only car he hadn't sabotaged. "Give me your keys," the General ordered.

"Huh?"

"I need your car."

Cal was beside himself with joy and exhilaration at the thought that the General was going to drive his Mustang. He fumbled in his pockets until he found the keys. He pulled them out and promptly lost his grip and flung them to the floor. The General reached out his hand and called them to him with the Force. "Oh, that's so cool," Cal gushed.

The General stomped across the hard wood floor and toward the door. "I'll be at Aya's if anyone needs me."

"Like who?" Cal asked before he could stop himself...so he ran like a wuss before he could catch the General's look of death.

And somewhere deep within the catacombs of the administration building, a Mastiff growled and a cackle echoed through the air ducts. That and the sound of Jael shrieking at tape number twenty-four's lesson on the mating habits of Gungans.