Part 3

"Okay, so now what?" Darry stood with her hands on her hips staring up at the face of the convent as it rose high into the sky.

"Well...we could knock," Caeryn said.

"And then what?" Emmy said. "Say, 'Hi, we're Ho's. We've come for our friend. She needs to return with us and have the General boink some sense back into her'."

Caeryn sighed. "You really aren't helping."

"Well, she does need a good General boinking," Emmy grumbled.

"Yeah, who doesn't," Shana said.

"Like I've said before," Dorotea piped up. "They're NUNS. And they're going to know we aren't!"

Caeryn huffed. "It's not like their Jedi. They can't read our minds."

"You're not Catholic, are you?" Julia said.

"I am going to knock," Caeryn growled.

"Fine, knock," Darry said, puffing and flipping her habit. "What?" she said defensively as Caeryn glared at her cigarette. "Priests smoke, why not nuns?"

"I need Paddington," Caeryn whimpered pitifully, her head hanging low and her bottom lip pouting.

Shana shoved herself in front of Caeryn. "Ah hell, I'll do it." She knocked on the heavy wooden door.

After several moments, footsteps could finally be heard approaching the door.

"Okay, I have an idea," Shana whispered. "Just follow my lead."

A few of the shorter Ho's fell in line directly behind Shana in order to hide.

Suddenly, a small window in the door opened. "Yes?" a nun said, staring at them with a nun glare.

Shana's eyes grew wide. Plan suddenly forgotten, she ran.

As did all the other Ho's.

~*~

"Well, that was effective," Darry said as the Ho's hid in the alleyway at the side of the convent.

Emmy flailed her arms around a bit. "Now what?"

Suddenly, the most unpleasant screeching noise blared rather embarrassingly out of the tiny window above them....

"Climb every mountain! Ford every stream! Follow every rainbow! Til you find your dream!"

"Yeah, that's Diebin alright," Ban said.

"I told you!" Darry said. "If we had just waited for a while, they would have shipped her to the loony bin and then I could have worn my tailored nurse's dress AND NOT THIS FRACKIN' NUN GET-UP!"

The Ho's stared at Darry and began to take bets on who really would be the next one to be dragged off and sedated.

"Alright, how's this for a plan," Julia said, gazing up the side of the building. "We climb up this fire escape ladder to the platform right next to her window. And then we just get her out."

"What if she doesn't want to come with us?" Judy said.

"She will," Ban said. "I brought M&M's."

"A dream that will need! All the love you can give!"

"Oh God, let's go. We'll wack her over the head if we have to," Emmy said.

~*~

"Every day of your life! For as long as you live!"

"How many times is she gonna sing that frackin' song?" Darry snapped as she, Julia, Judy, Caeryn, and Shana gathered on the fire escape platform. Luckily for the other Ho's, there wasn't room for anyone else.

"CLIMB EVERY MOUNTAIN! FORD EVERY STREAM!"

"Get her outta there!" Emmy yelled from ground level. "I can't take this! The Sound of Music is one of my favorite movies!"

"Oh, you're a big help!" Darry yelled.

"Die!" Shana yelled, leaning over the railing of the fire escape to try and peer in the window. "Die! Shut up! It's Shana!"

"FOLLOW EVERY RAINBOW!!"

"Shit," Shana said.

"Here," Caeryn said, handing Shana the bag of M&M's that Ban had given her. "Throw these at her."

Shana took a handful and hucked them in the window.

"TIL YOOOOU FIIIND YOOOUR-- Holy shit!" Diebin began to weep as she scrambled around on the floor for the M&M's. "Thank you, Lord! Thank you so much. I never imagined you would answer my prayers so quickly."

"Diebin!! Shut the hell up and climb out of there!!"

Diebin froze. "Darry?"

"It's us, Die," Caeryn called out a little nicer. "Please, come with us."

"Damn straight I'm coming with you," Diebin said as she pulled the bed over against the wall. She stepped up onto it and reached for the window, but it was still too high. She could just stretch her fingers over the windowsill.

"Look," Judy said, pointing to Diebin's fingertips.

Julia snapped a few photos.

"Uh...you'll need to do a little better than that, Die," Shana said.

"I can't reach," Diebin whined as she bounced on her bed.

Suddenly the echo of sirens was heard in the distance. "The fuzz!" Emmy yelled.

"Crap!" Caeryn said. "Die you REALLY need to get out NOW!"

"I caaannn't," Diebin whined louder, cursing the fact that she didn't have her stiletto boots.

"Okay...okay," Caeryn muttered as she began to fidget. "Here's what we'll do. We'll...we'll...we'll...."

"FREEZE!!"

"Go to jail?" Shana said.

The Ho's on the platform looked down to see their fellow Ho's being shackled, police officers filling the alley. However, there were no guns pointed at them because law enforcement officers on Alderaan were very polite and friendly, sort of like Canadians but without the charming accent.

::Enter rousing John Williams music::

Suddenly, a blur of a man came flying through the air via a rope that was attached to something out of frame.

"Indy?" Julia said.

::Kill Williams bit. Enter amusing drum and brass beat.::

Suddenly, a blur of another man came flying through the air via a vine that was attached to something out of frame.

"George?" Emmy said.

Diebin fell to the floor as Indiana Jones hit his mark and slid into her room through the small window. "Let's go," he said.

Diebin grinned and stepped toward him, but then turned where she heard a loud biff against the outside wall followed by a groan.

"George rescue Diebin," George groaned mournfully, as he slowly climbed into the window and then flopped to the small bed that promptly crashed to the floor.

"We have to go now," Indy said, grabbing Diebin by the arm.

And just then the door was knocked down by the police, wacking Diebin on the head and sending her crumpling to the floor. Indy, being the smart adventurer that he was, jumped to the windowsill and swung the heck outta there.

~*~

"George get Diebin in trouble."

"Aw, that's okay George. At least I got out of there," Diebin said, patting the jungle man's shoulder as he pouted, shoving his face again the bars of the holding cell.

"This is terrible," Caeryn whined. "I can't be in jail. Not without Paddington. And I can't have this on my academic record."

"Caeryn," Shana sighed. "You are the Dean of the university. I don't think it matters much."

"You girls are the best Ho's ever," Diebin said, misty-eyed.

Darry walked up and hugged her. "Yeah, so are you." Then she stepped back and grabbed Diebin's arm. "But if you ever pull this kind of shit again...."

"Nope. Not me," Diebin said. "I just wanna eat and find a nekkid man."

"And if you EVER sing The Sound of Music again," Emmy griped, "I will...I'll...." Emmy's bottom lip quivered as thoughts of Julie Andrews and Christopher Plummer filled her head. She sniffled. "Well, what you did was just not right!"

Diebin cringed. She knew how much the diva adored the Von Trapps. She was just glad Emmy wasn't in the basement of that convent. "I promise, I will never, ever, ever do that ever again," Diebin said.

"Alright," the guard said, jangling his keys. "You're all free to go."

Julia took a picture of him. This would make a great photo expose for the Tattler.

"All of us?" Caeryn said.

"Even her?" Darry said, pointing at Diebin.

"Oh, thanks a lot." Diebin pouted.

The guard nodded. "Yep. The sisters dropped the charges. They didn't want her. Said all you would have had to do was ask for her. They're not happy about the break-in, but they're happy that she's not there anymore so they figured they'd cut you some slack and hope you left town for good."

"Thank God!" Emmy said, walking out of the disgusting jail cell. "This habit is giving me a rash."

"Are you sure it isn't one of your other habits that's giving you the rash?" Darry said.

~*~

"WOOOOOOO!!!" Diebin howled as she ran along the beach. "I'm FREEEEE!" She took several leaps into the air to express her joy.

"And then we had to sit in that awful jail cell, Paddington," Caeryn bemoaned as she rocked herself back and forth in a little hole she had dug for herself in the sand.

"Stupid freakin' smuggler SCOUNDREEEELLL!!!! HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO GET HOOOOOME?!!!!!" Emmy screamed from her perch atop her favorite rock.

Dande shook her head for the four hundredth and sixty-seventh time. "I just don't understand these girls, QB." She sighed and then batted her eyelashes. "Another grape?"

"Oh, this is PERFECT," Darry said, flipping and puffing more than usual as she paced angrily across the deck. "I'm surrounded by wacks, my credit line has been cut off, and there's no way to get off this rock."

"Or to get laid," Shana grumbled, Ardeth having taken off with other pathetic rescuers after Zorro won Final Four tickets during the Budweiser Babes appearance at Hooters where they all wandered off to after seeing the Ho's dressed as nuns. It was simply too much for any mere non-Jedi male to take.

Diebin continued to yell with glee, Caeryn continued to snivel, Emmy continued to scream, Dande continued to do things for Steve that no self-respecting Ho would ever contemplate, and Darry continued to grouse.

The remaining Ho's ate leftover cake, cookies, and the M&M's they picked up at the AM/PM mini-mart on their way back from the jail.

"I can't believe they deserted us. Can you believe they deserted us?" Judy seethed as she banged on the blender buttons.

"Couldn't even last a week with us," Ban snorted. "What a bunch of wusses."

"Right," Brenda said, glad to have escaped the nun escapade by hiding in the laundry room. "I mean, I'm no full-fledged Ho, but the General handles ALL of us on his own."

"That's right!" Judy said.

"He's more man than ALL OF THEM put together," Ban said.

"Um...so...you're not mad at him anymore?" Julia asked a little nervously.

"Of course we're still mad at him!" Judy said.

"Oh, good," Julia said, perking up a bit.

"Damn right we are," Shana said. "He ran out on us, too."

"And he'll probably leave us here forever," Darry snapped. "Probably already replaced us all, the horny prat."

Judy shut off the blender. "Replaced?" she asked.

"He wouldn't," Shana said.

"Would he?" Ban asked very, very quietly.

All the Ho's fell deathly silent. Except for Diebin who continued to whoop it up and Emmy who continued her primal screaming.

And then what to their wondering eyes should appear....