Part 2

"Now, here is your room."

Diebin looked around at the tiny space, a small window high on the wall the only break from the drab interior. "Thank...you." Suddenly, this seemed like a poorly thought out plan.

"Dinner is at six o'clock. You will not speak until then. You will eat and then you will go to bed at eight o'clock, and then you will rise at five-thirty. After the morning prayers, you will eat breakfast at seven-thirty. Then you will be assigned a cleaning duty, and you will not speak until lunch at twelve-thirty. Then you will continue your cleaning duty, go to afternoon prayers, and then not speak again until dinner."

Diebin gulped.

"Any questions?"

"No, Mother. Thank you, Mother," she said.

"Very well. Change into those clothes and sit here until dinner." Mother Superior turned to walk out of the room. "One more thing," she said. "Hand them over."

"Huh?"

The nun held out her hand and snapped her fingers. "The M&M's! Hand them over."

Diebin's heart sank as she reached behind her and pulled the large bag out of her jeans.

"There will be none of that here, do you understand? No radio, no television, no snacks, no money, no men."

"Internet access?" Diebin asked hopefully.

"Ha," Mother Superior scoffed as she turned and left the room, closing the door swiftly behind her.

"Oh, greeeeaaaat," Diebin whined as she sank down to the tiny cot that was to be her bed for the next sixty-to-seventy years. Her thoughts wandered to only several hours eariler, being nekkid and happy with Rick.

But that was exactly the reason she was in this place. To repent and purify herself.

Diebin stood up and changed into her nun-in-training habit. She looked around for the mirror...but there weren't any mirrors. And it itched. And made her look fat from the downward angle...and she couldn't hear right.

She sighed and layed down on the cot. She needed to simply relax and open her heart to her new pure and peaceful life. She thought of good and kind things...helping the poor, feeding hungry children, raising money for needy families, tending to the sick, going down on the General, the General going down on her.

"No! No! No!" she exclaimed, jumping up from the bed and madly flailing her arms in the air. "Pure thoughts. Good thoughts. Generous thoughts. Well, going down on the General is generous and all, but—" she slapped her hand over her mouth. She took a deep breath. "Okay. I can do this," she said as she kicked the one of the bed legs.

"Quiet!" came a deep and bellowing female voice from nowhere.

Diebin made frantic gooney faces at the closed door.

~*~

"This is ridiculous. No way in hell I'm doing this."

"Darry, please," Caeryn said. "We have to get Die out of there."

"Hey, like I said before. She went in there WILLINGLY. This is much different than springing the General out of the loony bin," Darry said.

"No, it's not," Caeryn said. "For Die to even run off to a convent and give up sex with her two favorite men in the galaxy is LOONY."

"My rabbi will not sit still for this," Darry said.

"Alright, listen," Shana said. "We're still missing something here. We can't just dress up as nuns and march in and get her out."

"Okay then," Caeryn said. "We'll split up. Some of us will provide a distraction and then we'll have another team sneak in and track her down."

"And how are we going to find her?" Shana said.

"Easy. Just listen for the weeping and wailing," Emmy said. "Once she realizes what she's really gotten herself into, she'll really crack up."

~*~

"I'm a nun...he's a nun...she's a nun...we're a nun....wouldn't you like to be a nu-un, too? Be a nu-un, be a wonky nu-un...woo-hoo...be a nu-un, be a wonky nu-un...." Diebin flapped her hands and kicked her feet out as she sashayed across the concrete floor of the spacious canning pantry that she had been assigned to scrub down.

"Quiet!"

~*~

The men stared in shocked silence at the Ho's as they gathered en masse in the dining room to finalize their plans. And then busted out with hearty, hysterical laughter.

"Oh, shut up!" Caeryn yelled. "We're trying to help our friend, which is more than any of you couch potatoes are doing!"

Julia and Sere, fortunate to have hidden in the den during the previous several hours, suddenly emerged. Julia began snapping photographs like rabid paparazzi and Sere moved in on the flock of Ho nuns with a video camera.

And they knew they could get away with it because there was no way Emmy could wear a tiara with that habit.

"I need a drink," Darry exclaimed, heading over to the bar.

"No! Stop her!" Caeryn yelled, unable to move fast enough as all the nun gear swirled in the air as Ho's darted out of the way of the cameras.

Dande, feeding Steve grapes yet again, remarked, "Oh, QB, I just don't know what is wrong with these girls. If only they had followed my example, none of this would be happening." Dande brushed her hair back and sighed in true martyr-like fashion.

"Darry!" Caeryn shouted, finally making her way toward the bar. "Nuns do not smell like vodka!!"

"Well, this one does," Darry said, reaching for the bottle.

Caeryn, knowing she couldn't take Paddington on this excursion, did what she had to do. She stepped onto a chair and then to the top of the table and had a fit. "EVERYBODY SHUT UP, OR I'M GOING TO KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU!!!" Caeryn tried to regain her respiratory functions as all the Ho's finally stopped their kvetching and turned worried glances to her. "Thank you," Caeryn said primly. "Now, we need to help Diebin. Can we do that?"

The Ho's nodded.

"Good. Now, let's go. That means you, too, Julia and Sere!"

~*~

Diebin twirled around her room as the music swelled up around her.

"The hills are alive with the sound of music with songs they have sung for a thousand years...."

She tripped over the bed as the heavy wood door crashed open. "Child. If you don't cease that wretched croaking, I will gag you."

Diebin pouted as the door slammed. She sighed quietly, "Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee ho."

~*~

"Alright, just act natural," Caeryn growled under her breath as she marched down the sidewalk with her arms swinging.

"Uh, Caeryn," Emmy said.

"What?" Caeryn spun around.

"I really think nuns are supposed to walk slowly. You know. Contemplative," Emmy said.

Caeryn sighed. "Yes. Okay. You're right. We will go slow."

"Maybe if we go slow enough, they will have already shipped Diebin to the loony bin by the time we get there," Darry said. "Then we'll really know what we're doing," she added sarcastically.

"I am sure that Diebin is still perfectly sane," Ban said. "In fact, she's probably sleeping and trying to find some peace."

~*~

In the basement three floors below ground level that Mother Superior had assigned her to for the purpose of cleaning the walls with a toothbrush, Diebin skipped around in circles.

"Do Mi Mi, Mi So So, Re Fa Fa, La Ti Ti. Do Mi Mi, Mi So So, Re Fa Fa, La Ti Ti."

Then she skipped faster.

"DoMiMi, MiSoSo, ReFaFa, LaTiTi. DoMiMi, MiSoSo, ReFaFa, LaTiTi."

And she kicked off her nun shoes so she could skip even faster.

"DoMiMiMiSoSoReFaFaLaTiTi. DoMiMiMiSoSoReFaFaLaTiTi."

Then she jumped, landing in the middle of the room. She stood there for a moment and caught her breath. Then she took long strides around the room.

"When. You. Know. The. Notes. To. Sing.... You. Can. Sing. Most. Anything!"

Diebin spread her arms wide.

"DOE! A DEER a FEMALE deer! RAY! A drop of golden suuuun. ME! A name I call myself! FAH! A long, long way to ruuuuun."

So she ran. And then stopped.

"SO! A needle pulling thread!"

And then she twirled and skipped and whatever the hell else she felt like doing.

"LA! A note to follow So! TEA! A drink with jam and breeeead!! And that will bring us back to Do."

She posed.

"Re."

Another pose.

"Mi."

Again.

"Fa."

A sweep of her arms.

"So."

A step forward.

"La."

Another step.

"Ti."

She bent her knees a little to imitate a child.

"La So Fa Mi Re"

And stood again.

"Ti Do"

Put one hand in the air.

"OO!"

Put the other hand in the air and crackled the high note.

"OOOO!"

And knelt down with her arms wide.

"So Do!"

~*~

"She's always late for staff meetings, but her devotion is real," Shana said as they continued down the sidewalk.

"She's always late for everything except for every meal," Darry said.

"I hate to have to say it, but I very firmly feel," Emmy said. "A holy Die is not an asset to the university."

"I like to say a word on her behalf," Caeryn said. "Diebin makes me laugh." And then she giggled as the Ho's fell into formation as they declared unanimously....

"How do you solve a problem like Diebin? How do you catch a cloud and pin it down? How do you find a word that means Diebin? A flibbertijibbet, a will o'the wisp, a clown."

All the Ho's sighed and shook their heads.

"Many of things you know you'd like to tell her. Many of things she ought to understand. But how do you make her stay? And listen to all you say? How do you keep a wave upon the sand? Oh, how do you solve a problem like Diebin? How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?"

Ban stopped walking, causing all the Ho's to crash into each other. Then she turned to them and said. "When I'm with her I'm confused, out of focus and bemused, and I never know exactly where I am."

Judy nodded. "Unpredictable as weather, she's as flightly as a feather."

Julia stepped forward. "She's a darling."

And then Sere. "She's a demon."

But Maevey added. "She's a lamb!"

Dorotea shook her head. "She'd outpester any pest. Drive a hornet from its nest."

Kymira added, "She can throw a whirling dervish out of whirl."

Jen said, "She is gentle."

Sere: "She is wild."

Julia: "She's a riddle."

Emmy: "She's a child."

Darry: "She's a headache."

Shana: "She's an angel."

Caeryn: "She's a HO!"

The Ho's smiled at each other and decided they'd better keep walking.

"Oh, how do you solve a problem like Diebin? How do you hold a moon...beam...in...your...haaaaaand?"