"JAEL!!"

Jael barely raised an eyebrow as she sketched on a notepad in the lounge while the angry Darry screams filtered down the hall.

"I'M GOING TO KILL THAT DAMN DOG!!"

Space Dog whined and shimmied under Jael's chair.

Emmy sighed, annoyed yet again, that her peace was being disturbed.

Finally, Darry came marching into the lounge, holding a ragged Gucci pump in the air. "JAEL!!" she bellowed shaking the shoe.

"Hmmm," Jael replied disinterested as she kept her eyes on her notepad.

Darry seethed. "Explain to me why my shoe looks like a chew toy."

Jael finally looked up and shrugged. "Puppies chew on things. Oopsie."

Emmy covered her face with the magazine. She certainly wouldn't blow off destroyed fashion items in such a manner, especially not one belonging to the Nurse.

"Oopsie?" Darry said with barely restrained anger. "Your dog ate my shoe, and all you can say is oopsie??"

Jael sighed and stood up. "Well, maybe you should have taken that shoe with you instead of leaving it all alone here," she said, patting her leg to summon Space Dog and walking boldly past the Nurse and down the hall.

By this time, Judy and Shana had arrived in the lounge to see what all the fuss was about.

"THIS IS A THREE HUNDRED DOLLAR SHOE!!"

Judy and Shana both ducked.

"Like that's my problem," Jael called out behind her.

Darry stormed down the hall after Jael.

Emmy put her magazine down and said, "You know, that's really bizarre."

"Uh, which part exactly?" Shana asked.

They suddenly saw Darry returning to the lounge backwards as the General walked and talked her down.

"I talked to Jael yesterday," Judy said. "And she was fine and dandy. We hugged, she was her normal Jaelly self. And now—"

"Would somebody PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME?!" Caeryn sobbed running into the room, holding up Paddington who was dressed in the same chartreuse and plaid nightmare that the General had worn a day beforebut bear sized, of course.

"she's going psycho again," Emmy finished.

"C'mon, Caeryn," Shana said, putting her arm around Caeryn's shoulders. "Let's go for a little walk, okay?"

"Okay," Caeryn squeaked as she wiped her tear-stained face.

"I am going to kill her," Darry said.

"You will do nothing of the sort," the General said. "Something is obviously troubling her."

Suddenly Judy screamed and pointed down the hallway. Everyone scurried over to see Sugar, who was an interesting shade of fuschia.

The General sighed. "I will go talk to Jael again."

"No," Emmy said stepping past them and into the hall. "I'll go talk to her. God knows what you did to send her over the edge."

"What I did?" he asked.

"Well, she was fine yesterday when I saw her," Emmy snapped.

"Emmy--"

"On second thought," Emmy said, putting up her hand. "Don't talk to me." She turned around and sauntered down the hall fairly effectively without her tiarabut not quite as effective as usual.

~*~

"Oh, it's beautiful!" Ban gushed as she gazed upon her new Jaguar with adoring eyes.

"I'm glad you like it," the General beamed. He was two for three on the gift giving now, and that was encouraging after the disaster he had with Emmy.

"Thank you," she giggled, squeezing her arms around his waist.

The General hugged her tight. "You are welcome."

Ban grinned. "Between this and starting on the opera house next week, I am practically giddy! In fact, I am downright giddy!"

The General took a deep breath and put his arm around her shoulder. "We need to talk."

"Oh?" she asked with a happy smile.

~*~

Diebin glanced casually out the window at the sound of a shriek of horror. She noticed Ban flailing her arms in the air and marching around in circles with the General standing in his stoic Jedi pose.

"Hmm," Diebin commented, not all that surprised to see a Ho freaking out on the General. She turned back to her desk, happily surveying her freshly re-painted office, a lovely shade of black with a green jungle theme.

She looked up when she heard the knock at the door. "Mail," the padawannabe said as he carried the stack in. It was all he could say as he stared wide-eyed at her new décor. "Uh."

"He told me to pick whatever I wanted!" she said, snatching the mail away from Cal. "Now, beat it."

Cal ran. He knew better than to hang around a Ho these days.

Diebin sorted through the mail. Bored with the bills, she noticed the latest edition of the HSU Tattler was at the bottom of the stack. Deciding gossip was more interesting than working, she tossed the rest of the mail aside.

And then she saw the headline.

"SECRETARY'S HOT JUNGLE ROMP"

And then she saw the photographs of she and George that looked more incriminating than they actually were.even though what occurred after the photographs were taken was extremely damning.

She quickly scanned the article as she growled. She remembered Julia taking those pictures. But she had to be sure she was killing the right person. The article spelled out every tawdry detailand lots of made up tawdry details.

In fine print under the last photograph were the words, "Photos courtesy of General Kenobi."

And then Diebin screamed.

Like a banshee.

~*~

Shana and Darry heard the primal scream from their vantage point down the hall.

"God, I wish she'd do that primal screaming business outside," Darry said.

"Yeah, this is a little much. Even for Emmy," Shana said.

"What is a little much even for Emmy?" Emmy asked as she approached them.

Darry and Shana stared at Emmy for a moment and then ran in the direction of the screaming. Emmy marched after them. Diva's were never in that much of a hurry to get anywhere, even to a good psychotic episode.

"Whoa," Shana said as they entered Diebin's office, never dreaming she would really go for the black walls.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Darry yelled as Diebin shrieked and jumped around the floor as she tore a newspaper into tiny bits.

"I hate him! I hate him! I hate him!" Diebin yelled jumping up and down with both feet on the remnants of the Tattler.

"Oh, now who?" Darry asked.

"The General!" Diebin snapped.

"Oh, big surprise there," Darry said, turning around and walking out of the room.

Shana just stood there, her mouth gaping open. Finally she said, "I can't believe you actually painted this black."

Diebin turned toward Shana and pouted.

~*~

The night was peaceful. Mostly.

"Give me the keys!!"

"Huh?"

Ban took a deep breath, trying to remain calm but to no avail. "Give me the keys to your Mercedes!"

"Why?" Emmy huffed, sitting back in her chair with much annoyance. Didn't people know she had a job now?

"Because I'm going to return it!" Ban said. "I'm getting my money back!!"

"Are you taking your Jag back?" Emmy asked.

"That's not the point!"

Emmy rolled her eyeballs.

"HEY!!"

"Look, whatever you want to do is fine. I don't care," Emmy said.

"So. Give. Me. The. Keys." Ban held her hand out impatiently.

"I don't have them."

"WHAT?!"

"No, I threw them at him. I don't know where they are," Emmy said.

"THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE??!!"

Emmy shrugged.

Ban turned on her heel and marched out of Emmy's office, muttering something about everyone ruining everything all the time.

Aside from that incident, it was a quiet night.

The General sat in his office and rubbed his eyes. Things weren't quite going according to plan. Nobody could find Jael after her encounter with Darry, and Emmy certainly wasn't going to give him any hints on where to look.

He had known that Ban would be upset, but he didn't think she would ever really use such.colorful language against him.

Diebin's office was a nightmare, and once he saw the tiny shreds of newspaper all over the floor and then saw a copy of the Tattler on his own desk, he figured it was best to just stay in his office and brood for a good long while.

He looked at the mess on his desk. Emmy's tiara, the tiny neon Paddington clothes, Dorotea's laptop, the printout of the Ebay bid page. And he still had the keys to Caeryn's, Shana's, and Diebin's cars because they either didn't want to speak to him or other disasters had prevented him from giving them their gifts.

Alright, he thought. Time to do something productive, something to which no one could take offense. He picked up Emmy's tiara and examined it. It was a bit dented, but he didn't see how he could fix it without breaking it.

He walked down the hall toward Emmy's room with tiara in hand. It was late, and he could sense as he approached her door that she was asleep. He carefully opened the door and entered quietly. He walked over to the nightstand and set the tiara down.

He glanced at her sleeping form and smiled softly. She had kicked off the covers and was curled up in her flannel pajamas, her arm draped over the stuffed Winnie the Pooh that she didn't want anyone to know she slept with.

The General walked to the end of the bed and pulled the bedcovers over her, turned, and walked out of the room.

He returned to his office and sat down just as the phone rang. He pressed the intercom button, "Yes?"

"Hey," Darry said. "Get in here."

He smiled. "Does this mean that I am forgiven?"

"I said get in here, didn't I?"

"Be right there," he said as he walked out of his office, not even worrying about hanging up the phone.

~*~

"Keys!" Ban said, marching after Jael who suddenly reappeared the following morning from her new hideout in the secret passageway behind her room.

Jael turned around and smiled. "What do you mean?"

"Your new Porsche," Ban said. "Give me the keys."

"Oh, you want to drive it? It's great fun," Jael said.

"No, I'm going to return it and get my money back," Ban said.

"What?"

"The General used MY opera house money for the car," Ban said.

Jael gasped. "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I had no idea!" Jael rummaged in her pocket for the keys and handed them over to Ban.

Shana and Judy looked at each other with much confusion in their eyes.

"Would the real Jael please stand up," Shana mumbled to Judy.

The General entered the lounge just in the time to see Jael hand over her keys. "No," he said, stepping in between them. He took the keys from Ban and gave them back to Jael.

"But," both women said.

"Jael, that is your car."

Then he turned to Ban and said, "I will find a way to replace your opera house fund."

"Why YOU." Ban sputtered.

The General sighed and shook his head. "I really cannot handle this now," he said and walked out of the room.

Ban stomped her foot and turned to Shana and Judy. "Did you see that? He just blew me off!"

"Since when do you have a brand new Porsche, Jael?" Shana said, still under the assumption that her car was trashed.

"He gave it to me the other day," Jael said happily. Then she saw the look in Shana's eye. "Gotta run!" Jael ran out the front door.

Julia ran into the lounge, waving the Tattler around. "Have you guys seen this yet?"

Shana looked at the front page. "Oh, shit."

"Let me just say right now that I had NOTHING to do with this," Julia said. "And I want to know how all my pictures are ending up in this paper."

~*~

"Listen," Caeryn said into the phone. "I ordered those ysalamiri to be delivered overnight. And I haven't seen them yet." She tapped her pen on the desk. " I know this was an inter-planetary delivery, but when I asked for Next Day Air, I expected it to arrive the next day." Caeryn sighed. "Fine, but I want my money back for that delivery charge." She slammed down the phone.

Paddington winced at her anger, but he tried not to let it show.

"I tell you something, Paddington, people are just lazy. Lazy and stupid!"

Paddington stared at her but kept his face a mask of calm so that she wouldn't be offended by his confusion.

Caeryn rummaged around on her desk and found the Tattler under the pile of junk mail. "So, let's see what the student body is up to today." She layed it flat in front of her.

Paddington was caught off guard when she grabbed him off his perch, and he could barely contain himself when he saw the headline.

"GENERAL FEARS UNIVERSITY DEAN IS INSANE"

It was followed by a series of photos showing Caeryn talking to Paddington, dressing Paddington, and hiding under a desk and sobbing to Paddington.

Caeryn began to read the article aloud in a shaky voice. "General Kenobi has expressed concern over Dean Caeryn's incessant babbling to her stuffed bear, and he has commented that it may be necessary to have the Dean committed to a MENTAL INSTITUTION FOR OBSERVATION??!!"

Suddenly the door flew open and Shana ran in.

Caeryn jumped to her feet. "I am not crazy!"

"I know."

"I AM NOT CRAZY!!"

"I know!"

"Diebin! Now SHE'S crazy! But I am not crazy!" Caeryn yelled, jabbing her finger at Shana for emphasis.

"It's just the stupid Tattler," Shana said. "No one is really going to believe it."

"Did he say that I'm insane?"

"No, of course not. He just said he was concerned about you."

"Why?!"

Shana sighed. "Listen, you've been very emotional lately."

"Because of him!"

"Yes, I know. He's just worried."

"Worried that I'm INSANE?!"

Shana chose her words carefully. Caeryn was getting that wild look in her eye again. "No. Just worried that you're mad at him."

"I AM MAD AT HIM!!"

"I know," Shana said softly. "And he's worried that you're hurting."

Caeryn scoffed. "Yeah. Right. And now the ENTIRE campus thinks I'm a nutter."

"I told you," Shana said. "No one is actually going to believe it."

~*~

"Damn, Caeryn is really off her rocker," Emmy said as she read the front-page article. She just hoped that if the General did have Caeryn committed, that they wouldn't have to actually go bust her out. That routine was getting a little old.

Emmy was thankful for the fact that she never did anything as incriminating as talking to a stuffed animal to warrant an embarrassing expose in the paper.

And then Emmy gasped as she saw the page three story.

"GENERAL FEARS THAT NEW PR DIRECTOR IS TOO STUPID FOR THE JOB"

Emmy stood up and threw her Alderaan snow globe across her office. Then she looked down at the photo of herself, which showed her tiara slightly askew on her head. The caption read, "General Kenobi has expressed his distaste for the silly crown and many anonymous students feel it is just plain tacky."

Emmy kicked her chair aside, "First of all!" she yelled, pointing at the newspaper. "It is not a CROWN!!" Her eyes frantically scanned the article, until she saw the highlighted quote credited to the General:

"She's really quite an airhead and that tiara makes her look downright ridiculous."

And then another quote from an anonymous staff member:

"The worst part is, they're not even real diamonds."

Emmy saw nothing. But red.

She looked to the corner of her desk where her tiara sat dutifully on the corner, having been returned to her at some point in the night, most likely by the General since he was the last one she threw it at.

And now she wished she had aimed for his head.

She grabbed it off the desk and stomped out of her office.

~*~

Brenda cringed when she saw the article about her Ho Master. And then she heard the stomping. Brenda looked around quickly. Finding no place to hide in the kitchen, she simply scurried to the farthest corner as Emmy stormed in. Brenda watched in horror as Emmy threw her tiara down on the counter, grabbed a knife, and started hacking at it.

Tiny rhinestone chips began to fly around the diva. But it wasn't enough. Emmy turned, knife in hand, and stared at Brenda. "I. Need. A. Hammer."

Brenda pressed her back against the wall. "Uh. The garage?"

Emmy nodded, threw the knife in the sink, and stomped away.

Brenda slid to the floor. It had been far less stressful to take care of the General's bikewhich, of course, had been impounded.

~*~

"Oh," Dande said, high in her tower room as she gazed out the window. It was hard to see from this distance. She yanked the power cord from the stereo out of the wall and pressed her ear against the window. No good.

So she ran like crazy down the stairs. This looked too intriguing to miss.

~*~

"Oh, this is bad," Sere said.

"Really, really bad," Judy said.

"I am not taking one single photo," Julia said.

Caeryn, clutching Paddington, was marching through campus harassing every person she ran into declaring, "I am not insane!"

Everyone smiled and nodded. It was not going well for Caeryn.

But, at the moment, it seemed to be going worse for Emmy.

"Um." Darry said. "Why is Emmy pounding the driveway with a hammer?"

"That's not just the driveway she's pounding," Ban said.

Darry squinted a bit to see that Emmy actually was destroying her tiara. "God, what is it with these Ho's?"

Even Caeryn stopped her frantic defense when she saw the commotion. Maybe this would help to kill those rumors about her own sanity.

Emmy smashed the tiara with the hammer. And kept smashing, all the while carrying on with a scaled-down version of her primal scream therapy. She almost stopped when she saw a pair of black boots approach her. Almost. She swung the hammer over her head againand then it got stuck. She looked up to see the General holding onto it.

"Enough," he said, grabbing the hammer out of her hands and tossing it aside.

And the look on his face made her want to cry. But instead, thanks to her audience, she stood up slowly, brushed the dirt off her skirt, and turned toward him. Breathing heavily from her exercise of destruction, she kicked bits of silver and crystal on his boots. "Bastard," she snapped under her breath as she glared at him.

Many students gasped in horror.

"YOU!!"

All heads turned toward the sound of the voice. It was Diebin, finally looking like her old self in her stiletto boots and leather catsuit. She was headed straight toward the General.

When the students saw the Sith secretary on a rampage, they all ran for the dorms.

Emmy turned away from the General, figuring that Diebin seemed like she could do far more damage to him at this point. She stomped toward the remaining staff members and one Wench who had positioned herself perfectly so as not to miss a thing. "What are you lookin' at?" she growled as she clomped past them.

The other Ho's, readily recognizing Diebin's damage potential, all turned around and followed Emmy into the admin building.

Shana looked over her shoulder to see Dande still watching Diebin and the General. She took hold of Dande's arm and pulled her along back to the building.

"A word," Diebin growled to the General.