Title: The Call of Duty,
Author: Emmy
Rating: DG (Devoted General)
Archive: Yes, Nurse, but take your time!
Disclaimer: Well, as I'm sure you all know by now, I'm TOTALLY CRACKED. Who would pay me?? Nobody! This is merely for my own self-amusement and humiliation.

"Space Dog, wait!" Jael cried as she chased after the super canine, who was hot on the trail of something extraordinarily interesting. Jael finally caught up to her in the deserted library, the dog sniffing and scratching at the wall in the far corner. "No! Stop that," Jael ordered, trying to stop Space Dog from digging at the plaster. She pulled at her collar and braced herself against the wall with her other hand.

Jael squealed when the wall suddenly moved, and with a whoosh she and Space Dog were no longer in the library as a section of the wall flipped around, taking a small section of the floor with it.

Jael blinked as her eyes adjusted to the darkness. "What do you think, Space Dog?"

Space Dog barked.

"Yeah, that's what I'm thinking." Jael had never been in any of secret passages, but she had heard plenty about their existence. And now she wished she had paid a little closer attention to those discussions because she had no idea where this was going to lead her. "Well," she said, "let's follow your nose, shall we?"

Space Dog barked and led the way.

~*~

"She's gone. I will probably never see her again."

"Oh, stop your whining. Forget about her."

"Martha. Oh, Martha. A woman of your kind I will never find again," Servo whined.

Crow shook his head. "She. Was. Evil."

"Yes, but it was a brilliant evil. An abusive, unforgivable kind of bullying, the likes of which I'll probably never encounter. I can't forget her."

Crow would have rolled his ping pongs if he could. "C'mon. The cars are all here. The garden is in place. And the database is almost restored. Let's go watch a movie."

"I'd rather go make fun of the temps," Servo said.

"Heheheheh." Crow made his way to the door. "Yeah, especially the men."

~*~

The General reviewed his datapad. The list was getting longer and longer, but after receiving Julia's message, he knew he had to go into high gear. He had even logged on to all of their computers and checked their bookmarks. It was important to have a detailed list of their likes and interests to make sure he had a complete profile on all of his Ho's in order to make things absolutely perfect for each one of them upon their return.

Despite living the non-materialistic life of a Jedi, he figured he had done a pretty good job of doing all the required make-up purchasing. And even with the cost overruns of restoring the database, and that little consultation with an attorney, there was still plenty of money left for a fairly decent mid-sized gazebo for summertime string quartet concerts.

He perused the caterer's menu trying to decide between the pencil asparagus with tarragon oil and yellow tomato vinaigrette and the frisée with sautéed shrimp, marinated olives, and capers. Which appetizer would his Ho's prefer for their welcome home dinner?

He grumbled when the phone rang, deciding to just go with both. "Hello," he answered, distracted.

"General?" the hesitant voice asked.

He thought for a moment. "Brenda?"

"Um...yeah."

He smiled. "How are you? And what's that echo?"

"Uh.... I'm in the laundry room."

He wrinkled his brow in confusion. "Is everything alright?"

"Um...well...."

The General pushed his datapad aside and gave her his full attention. "Brenda, tell me what has happened."

"You promise you won't tell Emmy I called?"

"Brenda, if there is trouble, Emmy will thank you for calling me." He paused and added, "Eventually."

Brenda sighed into the phone. "Diebin ran off to a convent."

"Yes.... I--"

"And they all went to bust her out and then they got arrested."

"Arrested?"

"Well, they just called and said they're on their way back here. I guess the nuns didn't want Diebin anyway," Brenda said.

The General tried not to laugh. Brenda still sounded distraught. "So everything is fine then?"

"No. See...uh.... Han flew us here and, well, Leia showed up...."

The General became confused again.

"And so they left."

"Okaaay." This was getting fuzzier by the second.

"So that means that we have no way to get home."

The General smiled. "And the rest of the Grrls are not yet aware of this, are they?"

"Um...no, they're not," Brenda said.

"I understand completely," the General said. "I'm on my way."

"Space Dog, I don't think this is the right way."

Space Dog barked.

"Well, alright, you do have a point. Your nose is much better than mine." Jael yelped as a loud, menacing growl suddenly tore out from the darkness ahead of them. Suddenly Jael found herself pinned to the wall by a giant, barking, slobbery Mastiff.

Space Dog had had enough! The super canine jumped between Jael and the Mastiff and really gave that big ugly mutt a piece of her mind.

"Space Dog!" Jael gasped, having never heard her loyal companion use such vile language before. Not that the Mastiff didn't deserve it. After all, the burly animal had slobbered on her.

Space Dog continued to berate the Mastiff and then she led into some extraordinarily fabulous insults regarding the beast's masculinity.

And 2.7 seconds later, the Mastiff turned tail with a grumble and plodded away.

Jael giggled. "He aint so tough, is he?"

Space Dog barked.

"What?"

Space Dog barked.

"Are you sure??"

Space Dog barked.

"Well, why didn't you say anything before?"

Space Dog barked.

"Yes, I guess I understand your tactic there." Jael started walking down the corridor again. "We'd better find the General as soon as possible and tell him this. He'll know what to do."

~*~

"Don't throw your love out on me, honey! Take my heart, my soul, my money...but don't leave me here, DROWNIN' in my tears!" Servo sang at the top of his lungs as Crow banged his head against the desk.

The door flew open with a crash, as it always did with them, and Jael and Space Dog came running into the room. "Where's the General?" they spoke and barked at the same time.

"Turn out the lights. The party's over. They say that all....good things must end," Crow sang to Jael.

"Huh?" she said.

"Goodnight, Irene. Goodnight, Irene. I'll see you in my dreams," Servo said.

"What is going on?!" Jael and Space Dog yelled and barked.

"He's gone," Crow said.

"Gone?"

"Yeah," Servo said. "Those Ho's got themselves into some kind of trouble. So he had to go bail them out and bring them back here."

"Oh," Jael said.

"But you could tell us what's so important," Crow said.

Jael and Space Dog snorted. "Yeah, whatever," she said as she and Space Dog walked back into the hallway.

"Hey!" Crow yelled. "Born in a barn?"

"Sorry!" Jael snapped, stepping back to close the door.

Servo sighed. And then he sang, "Oh where, oh where can my baby be? The Lord took her away from me...."

Crow composed yet another email to Shana.

~*~

The Ho's cursed and stomped around as the General's ship blew sand all over them upon landing.

"DO THE INSULTS NEVER END??!!" Emmy screamed, having finally come down from her rock but taking the opportunity for one last go while the ship's engines still roared. She walked up to the deck where the other Ho's had gathered.

The ship's ramp slowly descended, and the General strolled down to the ground. In spite of themselves, the Ho's nnnnggghhh'd. It had been a while since they'd seen that. He walked to the steps and then stopped, shifting his body slightly into The Stance.

"Forgive and forget, I always say," Darry said as she puffed.

"I'm gonna go pack," Diebin said, scrambling away from the General's gaze. She was happy to see him, but her guilt got the best of her.

"Me, too," most of the Ho's said, running like the wind to pack up their things in order for a quick return home and lots of make-up sex.

The General walked up the steps and first made his way to Caeryn who was muttering frantically to Paddington. "Caeryn," he said softly, reaching out to lightly touch her arm.

Caeryn pursed her lips together as she began to squeak a little, her eyes wide and desperate. Then she clutched Paddington and blew past the General and into the house.

"It's about damn time you showed up," Darry said, putting out her cigarette and turning to walk back inside.

Emmy simply waited for him to approach her. She had something she definitely wanted to say. And he finally did, his eyes hesitantly meeting hers. "Don't even," she croaked in her post-primal-scream voice.

The General sighed as the diva marched inside. Perhaps this would go better once he got them home and showed them what he had done.