Title: A Ho's Diary--Mary Kay Ho
Series: HSU
Author: Judy
Rating: RS (Really Stupid)
Disclaimer: George is the God King. He owns our precious General Kenobi. :-P
Archive: Go for it, Darry. Crossing fingers all those stupid quotation marks format properly this time!
Summary: This is set Day 4 of Emmy's General abstinence. She's starting to really crack under the pressure. :D
Notes: This is a total rip-off/homage/whatever you want to call it to Helen Fielding's Bridget Jones's Diary--one of the funniest books I've ever read and highly recommend. I've just started on the sequel, Edge of Reason. I hope to do more "Diary" vignettes as the mood and muse strikes.
I hope our most-exalted Drama Queen and Supah-Diva Emmy will forgive me, but this bunny has been bouncing around in my brain for a week now and I just had to write it! And in case anyone out there sells Mary Kay--a good friend of mine sells this stuff and I buy and use it! So there! :) In fact, receiving a shipment from her last week is what started all this!

"Mary Kay Ho"

6-March
(no. of chocolate bars consumed: 1 (v.g.); no. of jars of nutella consumed: 0 (tragic); no. of "appts." with General: 1 (yay! especially considering what's happened to Emmy and all)

Watched as Emmy fell further into...I don't know what...madness due to her lack of appointments. That's the only term that can describe the scene I stumbled onto this morning. Coming down the stairs--okay, I trudged down them...and why won't anyone believe my headaches are sinus-related... Really!--Anyway, I trudged down the stairs and what to my wondering and bloodshot eyes should appear, but Emmy doing a Mary Kay cosmetics presentation...excuse me, class! Talk about a shock to the system.

Although this was probably to be expected. After all, she was on Day 4 of her General abstinence. It was doing things to her mind. Yesterday she was playing...sort of...rugby. But this was just plain freaky.

Her tiara was kind of tilted and she looked rather rumpled, but not in a "just-shagged-the-General-senseless" kind of way. More a "just-slept-in-my-clothes-in-the-car" kind of way. On the good side, there was no discernable drool or anything. And most telling of all--on top of everything, she was *way* too perky.

"So, which of these lovely handcreams do you like best, Shana?" Emmy was fairly bouncing around the room, which is Diebin's job--bouncing, that is--trying to foist several different creams and moisterizers on her target victim.

"Umm..." poor Shana responded. I could tell she didn't quite know how to deal with this Emmy. She was probably in shock too. Banaoire had buried herself in the Mary Kay products catalog, but she stole looks every so often, wincing every time.

But Dande was oohing and aahing over the various facial care products. Figures. "Oh, with this I could keep my perfect complexion creamy and rose-petal soft," the wench sighed dreamily. "Just like *he* loved..." Her voice trailed off as she gazed down at her fragile, pale hands that began to tremble ever so slightly.

"There, there," cooed Emmy. (Emmy was cooing? Huh?) "It'll be all right. Here, this freshener will keep your skin glowing and dewy fresh all day." Dande's face lit up with a bright smile showing off her perfect, even, white teeth.

This just wasn't right.

I was trying to sneak off to the kitchen when Emmy squealed my name.

"Judeeeeee" Damn.

Biting my lip, I trudged (more trudging) over to the couch where Emmy held poor Shana captive. "Silken Hands (TM?) time, Shana," Emmy began squeezing out various products into Shana's palms. Shana's eyes pleaded with me for help. She mouthed the words: Twilight Zone.

"And for you," she pursed her lips, giving me a quick appraisal. "Mmm...yes, definitely, the eye cream. Will take care of those black circles and bags."

What? Lovely. No, 'here, let's try out a new blusher for you' or 'that pale gray eye-shadow would look wonderful with your eyes.' No, I get, 'you look like shit. Here's some cream for your god-awful appearance.'

Wait. Wait. What am I saying? This was Emmy--poor Emmy--who hadn't had an appointment with the General in four whole days. She was suffering. She wasn't in her right mind. She didn't know what she was saying. Did she? Did I look like...where's a mirror? No, never mind. This wasn't about me. At least not this time.

Anyway, Emmy was advancing on me with some sort of eye cream when Darry entered the room. Actually, she kind of takes command--must be those designer suits she wears--well, she came in and bellowed, "Emmy, stop!" Not even supah-diva Emmy can ignore that tone. And especially not in her weakened state.

Emmy whirled to face the stylin' nurse. "Darry! I'm in the middle of giving facials here!" She stamped her foot. Hey, a diva sign. That was good. "If you want one, you'll have to wait your turn." Ooo, not so good.

Darry, arms crossed, stalked over. "Emmy, sit down." Emmy sat down. "Emmy, what do you think about being called a wench?" Darry pierced her with a hard stare.

"Well, it might not be so bad..." Loud gasps of terror were heard throughout the room, even from Dande. I stared on in horror. Darry closed her eyes and shook her head sorrowfully.

Looking up at us, she swallowed, then cleared her throat, preparing to issue the bad news.

"This has gone farther than I thought. She's deteriorating much too quickly. This is definitely the worst case of General Deprivation Syndrome that I've ever seen. She's exhibiting classic signs--beginning wench behavior being foremost." She turned back to Emmy.

"Emmy-doll, I'm going to take you to the clinic now. We'll get you taken care of." Emmy nodded and allowed herself to be led from the room by Darry.

"By the way," Darry added, "Can I place an order for that crimson lipstick? I'm almost out."

Shana looked at me. "I've never been so scared, seeing Emmy like that. I just didn't know what to do. Besides, with all the paperwork I handle, my hands get so dry. That skin care class worked wonders."

I wondered out loud whether or not she'd get an appointment now. Banaoire was fidgeting. "I feel kinda bad, since I got all her appointments. But she gave them to me!" But she didn't sound convinced.

"But did anyone think of the effect?" I asked. I mean, this was serious. No General for four days? The thought made me shudder. Emmy was strong, but that was asking too much.

"Well," said Shana. "Darry will know what to do. Won't she?" I looked at her, shrugging. We could only hope.

Hmmm...wonder if I should use some of that eyecream. After all, I have an appointment with his Generalness later today...

-The End-