Title: HSU Head Games
Author: Emmy
Rating: MMS (Muy Muy Silly)
Archive: Yes, please.
Disclaimer: Just go to Australia, George. Never mind us.
Synopsis: Dande has TRAUMATIZED him! And I go DIVA!!
“Alright, is that everything?” the General asked, sounding rather tired.
All heads around the conference table nodded.
“Good,” he said. “Diebin, cancel all my appointments this afternoon.”
“But,” all the women objected….except Emmy who had no appointment.
The General put up his hands. “I´m sorry, ladies, but I have something
rather important to attend to this afternoon. As soon as this staff
meeting is over I need to head out.”
“What about the photo shoot?” Julia asked.
“That´s right,” Diebin said, opening her top secret General appointment
book. “We had the staff photo session scheduled for this afternoon.”
“Well, how about rescheduling until tomorrow afternoon?” he said.
The Ho´s punched at their Palm Pilots as if they´d have other things
planned that didn´t involve him. Murmurs of agreement spread across the
room, except….
“No….no….doesn´t work for me,” Emmy said.
“Why not?” Caeryn said. How could Emmy possibly be busy if she wasn´t?
“I have a hair appointment,” Emmy said playing with her curls, “and then
I told Jael I´d pick up the rugby uniforms.”
“Well, it doesn´t matter,” Diebin said.
“What do you mean?” Emmy asked.
“You´re not in the staff picture.”
“Why not?”
“Cuz you´re not staff,” Diebin said matter-of-factly.
“Yes, I am!”
“No, you´re not.”
Emmy looked around the table for backup, but found all eyes looking out
the window, at the ceiling, admiring the table…. “I am,” was the only
thing she could think of.
“Okay,” Diebin said. “Then what´s your job?”
“I´m President!”
“Correction,” Diebin said. “You´re President of ROCC. The General is
President of the school.”
“But….”
“So since you´re not a staff member, we don´t need you for the photo,”
Diebin said.
“If she wants to be in the photo,” the General interjected quietly, “I
don´t see why it should be a problem”
“That´s not the point,” Diebin and Emmy both said at the same time, and
then they looked at each other with surprise.
The General sighed and leaned back in his chair, accustomed to being
ignored around such headstrong women.
“Look,” Diebin said, “it´s nothing personal. The staff photo is for
marketing purposes. A picture of everyone and a description of their
job. As much as we love you, Emmers, you don´t actually have an
official position.”
“Diebin is right,” Caeryn said. “Now, if you wanted to be on staff, we
have quite a few openings you could interview for.”
Emmy huffed. “So I suppose you´re telling me that even the MAINTENANCE
guy will be in the photo?”
“No,” Caeryn said. “Only essential staff are in the photo.”
Emmy slammed her pen down on the table and shot up out of her chair.
“Well, if I´m not staff, then why the HELL do I attend these staff
meetings every week?”
“Ummm….” Caeryn shrugged.
Emmy snorted and looked to Diebin for an answer.
“Uh…cuz…you like us?” Diebin said.
“Fine,” Emmy said, kicking her chair out and stepping away from the
table. “I don´t need your stupid meetings.”
“Emmy….” the General said.
“Oh shut up, Wench Man!” Emmy pushed her chair back into the table.
“You want service? Well, you´re not getting it from me!”
“…since she doesn´t have any appointments this week,” Diebin mumbled, to
which much snickering was heard.
“Diebin….” the General said.
“Sorry,” she snickered along with the rest of them.
“I told you,” Emmy snapped, “I don´t NEED an appointment. And I don´t
NEED to be part of this staff or to be in your STUPID photo.” Emmy
shoved her tiara straight on her head and marched out of the room.
“Does she wear that thing even when she´s getting laid?” Darry asked.
“Darry….” the General said.
“What? What´d I say?” Darry looked around as everyone else shrugged.
“Sometimes,” the General said, staring at his pen with a funny grin on
his face.
“Are you serious?” Darry asked as she laughed.
The General chuckled as he rubbed the bridge of his nose where traces of
the Cuervo headache remained.
~*~
Emmy took quick glances over her shoulder as she loudly stomped down the
hall away from the conference room. She stomped on some more and
glanced over her shoulder again toward the door she just exited. More
stomping. More glancing behind her. More stomping. More glancing.
“Fine,” she grumbled when she realized no one was going to chase her
down. “See if I care.”
~*~
“Alright, Mister Kenobi, the first thing we´ll have you do is take this
test.”
He eyed the papers that the pleasant woman named Phyllis set down on the
table in front of him. “Test?”
“It is just an evaluation,” Phyllis said. “There are no right or wrong
answers.”
“Maybe this isn´t a good idea,” he said, backing away from the table.
“Obi-Wan…may I call you Obi-Wan?”
“Of course.”
“We are here to help you. And the best way for us to help you is for
you to take this test. It will simply give us a better idea of the best
ways to assist you,” Phyllis said with a kind smile.
He nodded. He couldn´t argue with Phyllis. She really seemed to be
concerned.
A half-hour into the test he looked up and around the room.
“Questions?” Phyllis said as though she were watching him like a hawk,
which she probably was.
“I…. I just don´t understand what difference it makes whether or not I
played jump rope as a child,” he said.
“Obi-Wan,” Phyllis said warmly. “We are just establishing a profile for
you. The sooner you finish this test, the sooner you can see the
doctor.”
He sighed and returned to the test, marking a definitive ‘no´ on all
issues of demon possession.
~*~
“Alright, Obi-Wan, it says here that you are the President of a
university.”
“Yes, Doctor.”
“And what university might that be?”
“It´s…it´s not around here,” he replied. He was the Jedi, after all,
not the doctor.
“I see….” The doctor scribbled some notes. “Well, what brings you
here? Let´s start there.”
He shifted in his chair. “I´m….I´m having trouble.”
“And this trouble would be….”
“Women,” Obi-Wan mumbled.
“Ah,” the doctor said, nodding his head.
“What sort of trouble?”
Obi-Wan just looked at the doctor. It was supposed to be easier than
this, right?
“Sexual issues?” the doctor offered.
“Absolutely not!”
“Alright.” The doctor nodded and scribbled more notes.
Obi-Wan sighed. “There´s this woman. And she has no interest in me
whatsoever.”
“And this is…unusual for you?”
“Heh, you BET it´s unusual for me. I have a university FULL of women
swooning and…and oh, what do they call that flatlining over me.
Everyone. Every single student, staff member, and…and one non-staff
member. My appointment calendar is booked. They can´t get enough of
me.”
The doctor just stared at his patient.
“Except for this one odd woman. No interest. None,” Obi-Wan shook his
head in disgust.
The doctor just kept staring.
“I know,” Obi-Wan said. “Can you believe it?”
“O….kay….” the doctor said. “Well, why do you think this woman has no
interest in you?”
“I don´t know,” Obi-Wan said. “They tell me it is because she likes big
men, or some such thing.”
“Who are ‘they´?”
“My….myyy….H--….Grr--…..uh….assistants,” Obi-Wan sputtered.
“Well, some women prefer different types, just as men do,” the doctor
said. “So you find this woman attractive, but she has rebuffed your
advances. It happens.”
“Not particularly, no,” Obi-Wan said.
“Not particularly what? It doesn´t happen? Women don´t rebuff your
advances?”
“Well, there is that,” Obi-Wan said. “But I was answering to the part
about my finding her attractive.”
The doctor wrinkled his brow. “So…you don´t find her attractive?”
“No, not really.”
The doctor sighed. “So you find her unattractive?”
“Well, she´s an attractive woman. But she really isn´t my type.”
“So what we have here is a situation where you are having trouble over a
woman you are not interested in because she isn´t interested in you?”
Obi-Wan smiled. “Yes, that´s right.”
The doctor sighed again. “And it´s not enough for you that you have, as
you claim, an entire university of women fawning over you?”
“Oh, it is enough. And they don´t fawn.”
“Then why so much concern about this woman?” the doctor asked.
“Because,” Obi-Wan said.
“Because why?”
Obi-Wan sighed. “Because I am a Jedi! And a General! I wear black!”
“Wait a minute,” the doctor said. “You are the president of a
university AND a Jedi?”
“A General, too. You forgot that part,” Obi-Wan said.
“Excuse me for a moment, would you?”
“Of course,” Obi-Wan said as the doctor stepped out of the room.
~*~
“But he really IS a Jedi General,” Diebin whined to the nurse at the
psych ward check-in.
The nurse looked the leather-clad woman up and down. “Mmm-hmm.”
“Look, here´s his light saber,” Shana said, showing the weapon. “That
proves it.”
“Listen, ladies,” the nurse said. “The doctor has ordered that he be
put under forty-eight-hour supervision. Come back in two days.”
“Two days??” Caeryn whined. “We can´t leave him here for two days!”
Suddenly, Darry marched in wearing her best Donna Karan. “The Galactic
Senate will not sit still for this,” she chided the nurse. “When they
hear—“
“Forty-eight hours,” the nurse said to the Nurse.
Darry sighed and pulled the com link out of her purse. “Not a word of
this to anyone,” she said to the Ho´s. “Especially not to the General.”
They all nodded in agreement.
~*~
“But I´m still confused,” the General said as they rode back to HSU in
the university bus. “How did you get me out of there?” he asked
enthusiastically with a silly grin on his face.
“We just…found your light saber…and we showed them,” Shana said.
“That´s great!” The General hugged Caeryn and Banaoire in each of his
arms since they sat next to him. “You Grrls are great!”
“Uh….” Diebin gave him a funny look.
“Where´s Emmy?” the General asked.
“We couldn´t find her,” Shana said.
“She´s great!” the General said.
“What the hell did they do to him?” Diebin asked Darry.
“I dunno,” Darry replied. “Anti-depressants?”
“But we like him brooding,” Diebin whined, bouncing in her seat.
“They´ll wear off. Give it a few hours,” Darry said.
~*~
The General rubbed his head as he sat in his dark office. The
anti-depressants had worn off. Not only was he brooding, he was
humiliated.
“You okay?” Diebin asked as she stood in the doorway.
He smiled softly. “I don´t know how I´m going to explain being
committed to the Council.”
Diebin snorted. “The same way Master Yoda will explain making off with
all of Darry´s controlled substances. We won´t tell.” She smiled at
him.
“Thank you,” he said.
“Now,” she said, “you need to come with me. I have something really
important for you to attend to.”
“What is it?”
“Just follow me.”
~*~
“We´ve been having all sorts of trouble with these girls,” Shana said as
she walked with Diebin and the General. “We thought that you should
handle this yourself.”
“Very well,” the General said. “What sort of trouble?”
“Well,” Shana said, “discipline problems mostly.”
“Ah,” the General said. “So where are they?”
“Downstairs,” Diebin said.
“Where downstairs?” the General asked, a little too tired to deal with
these problems after dark.
Diebin and Shana walked ahead of him without answering. They led him
down the stairs all the way too….
“But this is my lounge,” the General said as they stopped in front of
the door.
Diebin swung the door open. Shana pushed him in. And he was suddenly
assaulted by squeals, whistles, cat calls, and various dessert toppings
as they pulled him to the floor.
And from that night forward, there would be no more worry about
disinterested wenches.
~*~
Meanwhile….
Emmy sat on a sodden patch of lawn beyond the dorms, beyond the
foundation for the opera house, beyond the windowless top secret lab
building, beyond the duck ponds, beyond the rugby fields, beyond the
thicket of trees that no one ever walked beyond. There she sat. She
had been sitting there most of the day. Stomped straight out of the
staff meeting, out of the building, along the driveway, across the
parking lot, past the dorms, past the foundation for the opera house,
past the windowless top secret lab building, past the duck ponds,
through the rugby fields, and through the thicket of trees that no one
ever walked through.
It was getting cold. She was getting hungry. But she was going to sit
there and let them worry until someone came searching for her to bring
her back into the fold. She really wasn´t dressed for camping out under
the stars, dressed in her black, three-quarter-length sleeve silk
sweater and emerald chiffon ballroom skirt. And her tiara, of course.
She sat some more…imagining how they were all worried sick over her
sudden disappearance.
Emmy began to whistle as she sat. But she couldn´t really whistle more
than a couple of notes.
And then she got mad.
She grabbed her tiara off her head and flung it as far as she could,
watching it sail away and disappear into the night.
Then she sighed and sat back down again.
Moments later she heard a rustling in the distance. Her heart
quickened. What if Darth Ginsu had been hiding out here all along?
Emmy strained her eyes in the direction of the noises. And then she saw
a dull sparkling that grew closer and closer.
She sighed again. “Thanks, Space Dog,” she said, reaching ahead and
grabbing hold of the tiara in the super canine´s mouth. Much to Emmy´s
surprise, Space Dog relinquished it to her. “I hope you didn´t come out
here lookin´ for dinner,” she said as Space Dog sniffed her shoe.
But Space Dog simply sat down next to Emmy and looked toward campus.
Emmy yelped and Space Dog barked as something landed on the grass next
to them.
“Hey, Wicket,” Emmy said as the rambunctious Ewok plunked down next to
her. “So, what brings you out here?”
Wicket looked up at Emmy and twitched his nose a few times.
“The silent type, eh?” Emmy said. “What the frack is happening to me?
I´m talkin´ to an Ewok?”
Then Wicket held his arm out to Emmy. She reached down and took the
object he held in his hand while he made a little grunting noise.
“Rice cake,” Emmy said. “Thanks.” She took a bite and then tossed the
rest to Space Dog who swallowed it whole.
Emmy sighed.
Wicket sighed.
Space Dog sighed.
“Ah hell, nobody is coming out here to beg us to come back.” Emmy stood
up and straightened her skirt. “Damn fools,” she said, wiping Space
Dog´s slobber off her tiara and placing it back on her head. “Let´s
go,” she said, leading Space Dog and Wicket back toward campus. “Can
you believe this felgergarb?” she asked her companions. “First they
steal all my appointments, then they tell me I can´t be in their
precious photo, and THEN they don´t even bother to chase after me. I
mean, SOMEBODY should have come out here looking for us, right?”
Space Dog barked.
“Damn right,” Emmy said. “I mean, what would they do without us?” Emmy
glanced down. “Well, they could probably do without you, Wicket.”
Wicket squeaked and looked up at Emmy.
“But they certainly couldn´t do without me and Space Dog, right Space
Dog?”
Space Dog barked.
“That´s right.” Emmy trudged along silently for a few moments. “And if
you ever try to eat my boots again, Space Dog, I´m going to feed you to
Vocab Man, got it?”
Space Dog whined.
“Aw, I wouldn´t do that, Space Dog. I´m a dog person, you know. That
Sugar better watch her tail. But just take it as a warning, Space Dog.
Don´t mess with me.”
Space Dog barked.
“Alright then.”
And the three marched on in the dark. No violins. No violas. No
cellos. No bass. No wind. Not so much as a drop of rain.