Title: The Making of a Wenchiwan
Author: Diebin
Rated: ST for Simply Terrible (Not for Star Trek)
Summery: I thought HSU needed a little twist. So I present to you: Possessed!By!Demons!Emmy and Wenchiwan!Diebin. (Start gloating now, Dande) Dedicated: To Ovaltine, same ovaltine, new jar, which I drank a lot of while writing this! And to every movie in which the heroine discovered some foul evil doing by hanging out in the bathroom stall. And the movie 'Heaven's Burning' where a certain tight white shirt melted my insides to goo. And Dande, who has always wanted me to be able to say the phrase, "I am a Wench, like my mother before me."

WARNING: The opinions expressed in this piece are not shared by the author, Emmy, or anyone else except for maybe Darth Ginsu and George's lawyers.

~*~
I sense a great disturbance in the Force
~*~

Emmy was getting the most incredible headache of her life. This headache wasn't just any headache--it was an overwhelming throbbing pain that was not helped much by the horrendous accordion music beneath the window of the bathroom.

Apparently Normal Al had found his way back to campus.

"No, no, no!" Jael's voice called from beneath the window. "You have to pause more at the beginning. It's softer . . . smoother . . . to accentuate that beautiful, deep, manly voice . . ."

"Look, Psycho Chick, I just play, I don't have to--"

There was the rasping sound of a broadsword being unsheathed.

"As I was saying, whatever you want."

Emmy plugged her ears as the music started up again, this time joined by two female voices, doing their best to sing deeply. " . . . she doesn't break, I bet she bruises!"

Blinking, Emmy walked over to her window. That second voice had sounded an awful lot like--

"No, Diebin! You have to start later than that!" Jael's voice was frustrated. "You are the /worst/ bandmate I've EVER had!"

"Oh, button it Twinny," Diebin replied, crossing her arms over her chest. "At least I can breathe in deeply enough to actually sing. If you get that armor any tighter, you're going to fall over from suffocation."

"I happen to enjoy--"

"--being ogled in your form fitting leather by a certain Roman--"

"--wearing clothing that I can actually move in!" Jael threw her hands above her head. "And it's not like you should talk, Catsuit Girl! Though I must say, your catsuit was a lot better than that!"

Diebin looked down at her Roman style dress. "So what? David and George took me shopping on Alderaan! And I figured it was about time I added something other than black leather and my Hooters uniform to my wardrobe."

"Oh, so it has /nothing/ to do with that hunky man on my Rugby field?"

Diebin sniffed, tossing her hair in a fine approximation of Emmy. "As if. You know that either of us can get him without bothering to dress up for him."

Jael let out a low laugh. "Shhhh. If Emmy hears . . ."

"I'm not scared of Emmy!" Diebin exclaimed, sweeping her arms out and doing a little spin to make her dress flair.

"Liar," Jael grumbled. Turning back to Normal Al, she scowled. "Start it again!"

"Yes, m'am," Normal Al groveled, starting up his accordion.

~*~
It's something elsewhere . . . elusive.
~*~

Emmy stormed out of the Little Ho's Room, her blood boiling. To think that those two backstabbing Bobbsy twins /dared/ move in on /her/ backup man . . .

It didn't occur to Emmy at that point that she had already /known/ about Jael's little obsession for The Other General. The fact that Diebin had mysteriously showed back up from Alderaan, all decked out to go baiting the Gladiator . . . and was /hiding/ it from Emmy . . .

Emmy stormed off to the only place that gave her any comfort. Freshmen scurried out of the way as she stormed--a full Diva storm complete with swinging arms, lashing hair, and dancing Tiara.

When she arrived at the mine, she found Maximus leaning back against the door, arms crossed over his chest. "Didja miss me, sweetie?" he drawled, taking a step forward and reaching out to gather Emmy to his massive chest in an overwhelming bear hug.

Emmy blinked. Maximus had never, to her recollection, uttered the word 'didja'.

Of course, not even a Diva can cling to coherent thought for very long when she's being pressed against the most delectable chest known to woman kind.

In fact, she was so distracted that she hardly noticed when a large hand brushed across her forehead and sent her into a deep sleep.

~*~
Mind tricks don't work on me . . .
~*~

Darth Ginsu chuckled as she let the illusion drop--and Emmy as well. The Diva hit the ground with a most satisfying thud, her tiara rolling off and clattering to the floor. Her smile widening, Darth Ginsu waved a hand over Emmy's face. "Let's see how you like living with /me/ in your head." Lifting her Blue Ghostie hands above her head, Darth Ginsu began chanting the Ancient Rite of Possession.

There was a blinding flash of light, and Darth Ginsu disappeared. Emmy's eyes flew open, and a cruel smile formed on her face.

"I'll get you, Wenchie. And your little harse too."

Darth Ginsu felt Emmy beginning to come around, so she retreated to the back of Emmy's head, waiting until the time was right to push a little . . .

Emmy's anger would be great. Her journey to the Dark Side quick.

And her hair red.

Darth Ginsu made a mental note to run over to the QuickStop and pick up some hair dye.

~*~
We must continue to rely on negotiation.
~*~

"Hey Emmy!"

Emmy turned around, a little shaky on her feet. She'd been feeling so odd lately--as if her Tiara was even more heavy than usual. Something was making her head off balance, that was for sure . . .

"Yeah, Diebin?" Emmy asked as Diebin hurried towards her, kicking the hem of her dress out of the way with sandled feet.

"I need a favor. I'm supposed to do the Guest Lecture in Advanced General Baiting 3001, and some really awful business just came up. Lost of paperwork. Really boring. Hard work. I need to . . . well, I need to do it. Can you cover for me? You're the only one who is technically qualified, though I'm sure most of us could teach it by now, but there are all the standards you know, the technicalities and--"

"Stop babbling," Emmy snapped. "You're giving me a headache."

"Sorry," Diebin said quickly, glancing over her shoulder. "Anyway, I'll give you money and appointments and free passes to Wangers! Just--please help me out!"

"Oh, fine," Emmy grumbled. "When is it?"

"Twenty minutes from now. Over in the main lecture hall."

"Fine." Flipping her hair, Emmy spun on her heel and started striding away. She paused, and then turned and looked over her shoulder.

"Diebin?"

"Yeah?"

"You suck. I mean--totally suck."

Emmy kept walking, ignoring Diebin's shocked look. A few minutes later she encountered Sere, who was idly chatting with Normal Al.

"Sere?"

"Yes, Emmy?"

"You sicken me."

Sere blinked.

"Normal Al--I hope you die."

Normal Al, surprisingly enough, kept his mouth shut.

Emmy kept walking, enjoying how much fun this was, and not caring where the horrible little mean streak had come from. Spotting Cal across the yard, she made a beeline towards him. "Hey Padawannabe!"

"Yes, Mistress Diva?"

"The General thinks you´re a loser," Emmy said with a large smile, enjoying the way Cal's large eyes filled with tears.

Emmy marched into the administrative building, slamming the door behind her. Flinging open the first office she came to, she poked her head in. "Ban--you can't sing for shit!"

"Emmy?"

"And I hope your opera house BURNS DOWN!"

Emmy slammed Ban's door and opened Shana's. "Hey Shana--I hope they feed that living armor to the frickin' tigers. And I can't believe you actually had a thing for Qui-Gon. You are so lame."

Marching back across the hallway, Emmy kicked Caeryn's door in. "Hey force-slug girl! You better not ever go to sleep, because the minute you do I'm going to fry your database!"

Emmy was laughing maniacally now as she traipsed out the back door of the admin building.

Shana, Ban, and Caeryn stood in the hallway along with Sere, who had followed Emmy into the building with a weeping Cal in tow. There was a long silence as the five exchanged glances.

"Off her rocker," Sere said finally.

"Absolutely certifiable," Shana agreed.

"I think her tiara was actually spinning for a bit there," Ban said with wide eyes.

"Does he really think I'm a loser?" Cal blubbered.

Caeryn rolled her eyes.

~*~ We wish to board immediately. ~*~

"Diebin, I must say that this is perplexing." Maximus looked down at his chest, where Diebin was struggling to pull a tight wife beater on over his armor. "When a lady asks me to her room . . . it is usually not to put clothing on me."

"I'll get to the taking it all off part soon," Diebin growled, scowling as she broke a nail. Emmy certainly hadn't been kidding about the indestructibility of the Gladiator's armor. "It's just that I saw this flick once . . . and there are such fun things a girl can do to you with one of these shirts."

"As you wish," Maximus rumbled deep in his throat, lifting one hand to rub over the shimmering white fabric of Diebin's dress. "I would not thwart your will for anything in the world."

"Not anything at all?" Diebin purred, finally succeeding in getting Maximus' hands tangled above his head in the tight white shirt. Leaning forward, she planted her hands on either side of his head. "That is good, because it seems I have the advantage of you."

Maximus flexed his muscles and freed himself from the fabric without breaking a sweat, eliciting a girlie scream from Diebin as she swooned into a pile of overcharged estrogen on his chest, which made it very easy for Maximus to flip her over onto her back.

"It seems the tables have turned," Maximus growled.

"Eeeep," Diebin eeped.

"You two faced, backstabing, pathetic excuse for a Ho!" Emmy screamed from the doorway, her face red and her eyes glowing. "And you! Cheating on me with my best--err--worst--umm . . . with that CAT SUIT!" Emmy launched herself at Max, knocking him clear off of Diebin's bed and landing in a tangle of arms and legs on the other side.

Crossing her arms over her chest, Diebin flopped back to the bed and scowled. Trust Emmy to ruin her fun just when she'd finally gotten Maximus where she wanted him.

This was probably her karmic payback for not filling out an EA application.

Maximus head poked up above the bed for a moment. "I should probably take this," he said apologetically to Diebin. "Do you mind?"

"No, not at all, of course not," Diebin muttered. "Just ignore the functional Ho who just wants to shag you till you can't stand. Go ahead. Go get jiggy with Psycho there. Just make sure she doesn't pull a knife and stab you in the shower or something."

Emmy's head appeared above the side of the bed. "Jeez, never even seen the movie, have you Diebin?" Emmy jeered. "The girls are the ones who get it in the shower."

Diebin blinked. "But I thought--"

"You wanna make something of it?" Emmy roared.

Diebin blinked again. Emmy never roared. Not only was it bad for the complexion, but it wasn't very Divaesque.

Apparently Maximus was equally alarmed. Picking Emmy up by the back of her shirt, he carried her from the room without so much as a backwards glance or a fare thee well.

Flopping back to the bed again, Diebin sighed. "Life so sucks."

"I agree," whimpered someone from her closet. Leaping to her feet with wide eyes, Diebin stormed across the room and flung her closet door open, mouth falling open when she found Cal curled in a little ball, his face tear stained. "The General thinks I'm a loser!" Cal wailed, flinging himself at Diebin and sobbing hysterically on her shoulder.

~*~
At last we shall have our revenge.
~*~

"So let me get this straight, Princess," Xanatos drawled, leaning back in his chair. "You'll grant me my own percentage of the mine profits--and all I have to do is convince that little chit that she's a Wench?"

"Think you can do it?" Emmy asked, crossing her arms over her chest. "It won't be very easy--not many people are less Wench than Diebin. And of course, the payment will last only as long as the goods hold out. The minute you slip and let her become a Ho again, you can kiss your mine shares goodbye."

"I don't slip, Princess," Xanatos purred, leaning forwards slightly. "In fact, one could say I do my best in slippery situations."

"Oh, how subtle," Emmy snapped. "Listen, Scarboy. You ain't getting' none of this, so you can just dream on." Flipping her hair, Emmy spun around and strutted across the room, letting Xanatos get a good look at her rear. "Though if you can really mess with her head, I may be willing to discuss some alternate forms of . . . compensation."

"The Ho is as good as thudded," Xanatos smiled, standing up and starting to cross the room towards Emmy.

Emmy stepped through the door, smiling. "Strap it in, Sith Boy. You don't get anything until I see her disgraced." Smiling again, Emmy slammed the door in Xanatos' face.

~*~
What, you think you're some kind of Jedi or something?
~*~

"Hey, Diebin."

Diebin turned around, raising an eyebrow at Xanatos. "Shouldn't you be in the clinic or the library or over at AYUB_ or something?"

Xanatos waved his hand in front of Diebin's face. "Shouldn't you off feeding someone grapes?"

Diebin blinked. "What, are you on crack or something?"

He tried again. "Shouldn't you be wearing duct tape?"

"You wish," Diebin snapped, turning to stalk away.

Xanatos scowled. So, the Ho was planning on being difficult. Reaching out, he grabbed Diebin by the shoulder and dragged her over to him. Xanatos pressed one finger to the center of Diebin's forehead, sending her into a deep sleep.

Diebin slumped bonelessly to the ground. Smiling, Xanatos grabbed one stilletoed boot and dragged the Secretary off to somewhere where he could take his time brainwashing her.

She'd be a Wench by sunset.

~*~
How feel you?
~*~

Diebin woke up in the middle of the Rugby field.

The first thing she noticed was that it was very chilly. The slight breeze was blowing up her dress and across her rather exposed bosom. Flat on her back, staring up at the evening sky, Diebin tried to recall what events had led to her laying on the Rugby field dressed like Dande.

No answer came readily to mind.

Climbing gingerly to her feet, Diebin looked around at all the tall, muscly men working out all around her.

And promptly thudded.

~*~
Cold, sir.
~*~

"Stand back! Give her some air!" Dande waved her hands around, trying to get all the burly men who had gathered around the fallen woman to back off. Waving an ever ready bottle of smelling salts under Diebin's nose, Dande patted Diebin's cheek softly.

Diebin opened her eyes. "Wnnahhaann?"

"You thudded Diebin," Dande said, tears coming to her eyes. "Your first thud! I knew you were going to be a Wench!"

"I di' wha?" Diebin muttered, trying to get a hand up to push the smelling salts away.

Dande helped Diebin to her shaky feet, smiling widely. "Maybe we should take you somewhere to practice, Diebin. Only experienced Wenches should be out here with all this bared muscle."

Diebin looked around the rugby field, her eyes falling on Maximus, shirtless and working out hard against another half naked man.

Her eyes rolled back into her head and she hit the deck again.

~*~
Afraid, are you?
~*~

Julia's camera hit the ground with a dull thud.

"You. Are. Kidding."

"What?" Sere asked, turning from where she had been busily changing all the buttons on Normal Al's accordion. She glanced where Julia was pointing, and her mouth fell open.

"Is that--"

"Oh my god." Julia scrambled for her camera, trying to get it facing in the right direction. "She's--"

Sere snatched the camera away. "Not even we would survive the retribution if she ever found out," Sere hissed, her eyes still very wide.

The sisters watched as Dande led Diebin across the lawn towards the tower, both wearing matching Wench Dresses. Diebin was flittering--not her normal walk, but a definite Wench walk.

Julia grabbed the camera back and snapped a picture. "Just one, for posterity."

"Like there will be any if she finds out," Sere mumbled.

Julia had to agree with her there.

~*~
How do you know so much?
~*~

"You're going to be my Wenchiwan, Diebin. You can address me as Master." Dande dug through her closet, pulling out a few pink dresses. "Wenchiwans must wear pink, because then Alpha men will know that you are untried and inexperienced, and will be careful when they ravage you."

That seemed wrong to Diebin somehow. "But Dand--Master . . . I'm not inexperienced exactly."

"That is your first lesson, Wenchiwan. Good Alpha men like to think that you are, so you must pretend. You'll have to forget all of that awful Ho stuff."

Diebin was about to protest, but she felt a wrenching in her mind. Smiling vapidly, she pulled on the pink dress and laced up the lacy little bodice.

"Now, Wenchiwan," Dande said, turning from the closet with a full home perm set. "It is time for the most important sign of the Wenchiwan. Just as Padawan's have braids, Wenchiwans have a sign of their apprenticeship." Dande held up the perm set in one hand and a large pink ribbon in the other. "It is time for your Wenchiwan Perm."

~*~
That is the sound of a thousand terrible things coming this way.
~*~

"I think I'm going to be ill," Shana groaned, staring at the scene on the Rugby field.

"It could be worse," Caeryn replied, wincing. "It could be us."

"Ummm . . ." Shana watched as Diebin wrapped her hands around a large man's bicep, giggling as he lifted her off the ground, her cute pink shoes swinging above the grass. "I sincerely hope that whatever poisoned food she ate was limited to her."

"Maybe we should go talk to her," Caeryn said finally. "Maybe talking to someone other than Dande would snap some sense into her."

Shana's eyes widened as Diebin trotted over to Dande and obediently accepted a handful of grapes.

"Okay, time for spin control," Caeryn said. "We can not let any of the students seeing her acting this way. It will seriously mess up their training."

Shana squinted at Diebin. "Well . . . with that perm and that horrendous pink ribbon--she doesn't really look all that much like her. And as long as she spends all of her time either thudding on the Rugby field or sitting in the tower listening to Dande's music . . . maybe we can keep this on a need to know basis."

"Ahh, one problem." Caeryn had a pained look on her face as she watched Diebin sway over to Maximus to offer him a grape. "Exactly what does the General need to know?"

~*~
If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
~*~

Emmy peered through her binoculars, laughing insanely. Diebin had already had to change dresses twice, since she had yet to master the important skill of thudding without getting grass stains. Dande was currently attempting to teach her just that, using that hulking brute of hers as a training method.

Emmy laughed as Diebin thudded, hitting her head on the poor man's knee as she went down.

"See if you ever try to edge in on my territory again," Emmy chortled. "Now that you're out of the way . . ."

Emmy's entire body jerked suddenly, and her head flew back. When her eyes opened again, they were green instead of brown.

"Everything is going according to plan," Darth Ginsu chortled, climbing to Emmy's feet. "I am invicible!" Digging through Emmy's pockets, she came up with the keys to Emmy's beloved car. "Off to the QuickMart I go. I think it's time the Diva went red."

~*~