Title: HSU - Transformation, 1/1
Author: Emmy
Rating: CM (Call Mulder)
Archive: you betcha
Notes: Right on the tail of Die's 'Wenchiwan'. Okay, I know I said I didn't have time to write, but this little ditty just struck me. This is all in HUMOR, okay? You know I love you girlies. And let me just say, I shop at Target ALL the time. Oh, and I must mention that I am currently under the influence of cough medicine with codeine. Thank you.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
You should laugh all the while and all other times smile
And now smile a smile for me
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Damn QuickMart!" GinsuEmmy yelled as she stormed out of the store and toward the Mercedes she parked haphazardly across two handicap spots. The convenience store only had one box of Rouge Romantique hair color, and GinsuEmmy knew it would take more than that to get that hideous brunette dirt hair to the appropriate shade of brilliant sunset.

But on the bright side, the store did carry the Riverdance soundtrack on cassette for only $6.99. GinsuEmmy popped the tape in the stereo and peeled out of the parking lot to the accompaniment of much clomping.

Having greater success at Target, GinsuEmmy loaded up the trunk with boxes of hair color and Charlie perfume, pulling her Lord of the Dance CD out of the bag before slamming the trunk shut and sauntering to the driver side door.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Oh, then Erin, your wearin' a wonderful smile
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

GinsuEmmy grinned triumphantly as she drove back toward HSU. This was going to be too easy. Then suddenly something caught her eye. GinsuEmmy slammed on the brakes and pulled into the driveway on the right. She parked the car and began to cackle as she looked up at the sign hanging from the store front: Tattoo Parlor.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In the name of love
One more in the name of love
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Your art sucks," GinsuEmmy snapped at Jael as she marched in through the front door, dragging her Target bags with her.

"Uh...okay," Jael said, eyebrows raised.

"And, yes, he does hate you," GinsuEmmy said to Cal who promptly burst into tears again as GinsuEmmy blew past him.

"Okay, what drama is it today, Diva?" Darry asked as she and Jael rolled their eyes simultaneously.

"Bet you bought that suit at Sears," GinsuEmmy quipped before strutting down the hall.

"EXCUSE ME?" Darry yelled.

Space Dog barked.

"You're right, Space Dog," Jael said.

"Wha...wha....what'd she say?" Cal sniveled as his breath hitched between sobs.

"Since when does Emmy shop at Target," Jael replied.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Mickey, pretty Mickey
With your hair a raven hue
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

GinsuEmmy shrieked like a banshee and threw the fifth empty box of hair color on the bathroom floor, stomping on it furiously with unbridled rage.

"Um...Em?"

"WHAT?!" GinsuEmmy yelled, turning to find Caeryn standing in the bathroom doorway.

Caeryn took a step back when she caught sight of the wild Diva's green eyes. The slightly patchy fuschia crossed with Ronald McDonald hair color was disturbing enough. But the fact that Emmy, a staunchly proud brown-eyed brunette, had gone out and bought green contact lenses was cause for serious alarm. "Uh...what's going on?" she finally asked.

"This!" GinsuEmmy seethed, grabbing the ends of the curly, but now over-processed, hair.

Caeryn cleared her throat. "So, why are your coloring it? I mean, your hair is so dark, it--"

GinsuEmmy's eyes narrowed with fury.

"Never mind," Caeryn said. Then she gasped as the now obviously insane Diva turned away from her. Peeking out from the thin strap of the uncharacteristic tank top she was wearing was a tattoo on her shoulder. "You...you got a tattoo," Caeryn said hesitantly.

"Yeah, I did," GinsuEmmy snapped. "You wanna make something of it, or shall I rip all the stuffing out of that bear?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Who threw the overalls in Mrs. Murphy's chowder?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"A WHAT?" Shana asked, her mouth hanging slightly open as she awaited Caeryn's response.

"Tattoo."

Shana dropped the pen she always carried and leaned forward in her chair. "Emmy has a tattoo," she said with an even tone.

"Two, actually," Caeryn said, rubbing her temples as her elbows rested on her desk.

Shana sighed. "Two?"

"Yeah, she has a fairy on her shoulder...although it kinda looks like a bug until you get right up on it. And a...uh...." Caeryn couldn't even bring herself to say it.

"It's that bad?"

Caeryn looked up. "She has, in very ornate lettering, 'Obi-Wan' tattooed around her ankle."

Shana's mouth dropped open even farther.

"And she has red hair and green contacts," Caeryn added, trying to slip it in quickly.

Shana's eyes widened considerably. "Red? Emmy has red hair?"

"Well...it's more like crimson at this point," Caeryn said. "With some dark brown patches here and there."

"What the HELL is going on around here?" Shana asked. "Die is suddenly a wench and now Emmy is...is.... Well, I have no idea what to call her."

"Oh, and her eyebrows are purple," Caeryn said.

"Whose eyebrows are purple?"

"Emmy's. I think she tried to dye them to match her hair."

Shana groaned and rubbed her aching head.

"And Darry is trying to buy tigers," Caeryn added.

"Please," Shana said, holding up her hand. "No more. I can't take it."

"The General is going to have a fit when he gets back," Caeryn said.

"Yeah, I wonder what he's up to on the road trip," Shana said. "On second thought, I don´t wanna know."

"Me neither," Caeryn sighed, slumping back in her chair. "We've got enough to deal with here."

"Maybe we should have the water tested," Shana suggested.

"I've already called someone."

"Good," Shana said, thinking for a moment. "Indoor air quality?"

"Done."

"Food services?"

"Sent samples to a lab," Caeryn said.

"Perfumes? Laundry detergent? Hair products?" Shana asked, throwing out any possible source of insanity poisoning she could think of.

"Done, done, done."

"Hmmm, maybe we should have the OG tested," Shana said.

Caeryn finally grinned. "I'll handle that, too."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral
That's an Irish lullaby
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

GinsuEmmy lay sound asleep on the bed, her fit with her hair exhausting her so extensively that she didn't even hear the shutter clicks.

"These are gonna be so good," Sere whispered as Julia captured the hair splayed out across the sheets in all its brash and tacky glory.

"Shhh," Julia whispered back. "If she wakes up, we're dead."

"Between her and Diebin, we're dead no matter what happens," Sere said. Then she grinned. "And it's so much fun."

The End