Title: HSU: My Only Words of Wisdom Are *Radio Edit*
Author: Dorotea
Rating: VSNB, Very short nurse baiting
Archive: Txt attachment is on its way. Not that I expect any consideration in return for my promptness.
Disclaimer: You don't want mess with me today George.
Author's Notes: No livestock, nurses, divas, wenches or Generals were harmed in the writing of this fic.
Timeline: After Escorted Out.

~~I wanna be a cowboy, baby~~

Dorotea looked at her copy of the denied Reapplication for an External Affair and snarled. She crumpled it up and tossed it in the cluttered cargo area of her Volvo station wagon. She picked up a copy of 'Rogue Planet', now that Tarkin, he had potential.

"Oh well," Dorotea muttered. "It's not like he was actually tired of that flame-tressed, cheap, buying her clothes at Target, jelly shoe wearing Diva anyway. Just wait until Darry goes back to the clinic," Dorotea cackled to herself, not even having the excuse of being possessed, just being naturally Sithly.

Dorotea pulled out a cigar and lit up. Then she remembered she doesn't smoke and tossed it out the window. It landed in a pile of greasy rags. She opened her book, 'How to Revive the Dead.'

She read aloud, "Step one, Find a virgin to sacrifice," Dorotea moaned and tossed the book in the back on top of the chickens. "F that, I'm not going to WC for anything!"

She started the car and drove over to the rugby fields. Jael was back at broadsword practice with the OG, having quickly recovered from her wound. You can't keep a good soldier down. Dorotea's mind wandered to keeping a good soldier up and she groaned again. This sucked.

She spotted Xani and Emmy pawing each other at the entrance to the mine and honked her horn, but they didn't notice.

Only one thing to do: She picked up her duct taped cell phone and punched in the General's number.

"Howdy," The General answered in a twang.

Dorotea almost dropped the phone. Her eyes actually teared up. A small whimper escaped her throat. The following thoughts rushed through her head, only with more profanity, 'Those frosh ho's are dead. I'm making voodoo dolls of all of them. What have they done to our General?'

"Is somethang wrong, doll?" The General drawled. Country and Western music could be heard playing in the background. "How are y'all? We're fixin' to be back by..."

The General was interrupted by Dorotea's very long, very loud scream of anguish (or was it outrage?). "Listen here General, I'm going to Target to buy some f'ing batteries, because, yes, I am that desperate and your ass had better be back here before me or else!"

"What do you need batteries for?" the General asked, befuddled.

Dorotea ignored his typical male cluelessness and continued, "And if you are speaking in that twang and wearing anything other than your regulation black uniform, I will lock you with Dande and only Dande for two weeks and you will find out what it is like to not get any, because you can't touch that!"

"Now, Dorotea..." The General attempted to interrupt.

Dorotea continued her tirade, "And by the way, your Emmy is making out with strange men in the mine; Shana has disappeared with my animated Suit of Armor and Darry is pining over a scarred servant with rope burn and she is still being mean to me over a few harmless pranks."

Dorotea paused and looked over at the garage, which was now on fire. "Oh and the campus is on fire."

*****************

Emmy and Xani rolled around on a pile of diamonds (or cubic zirconia, who knows), neither noticing the fire.

*****************

Cal bravely threw Ewoks on the fire, attempting to extinguish it, just as the fire trucks arrived. He hoped the General would be proud of his courage under fire.

*****************

Tasha and Mr. Vocab rolled off the exam table, crashing to the floor. They don't notice the floor or the sirens. Or the fact that the someone had redecorated the clinic.

****************

Laure sat in a cheap hotel room, cursing into her crappy phone, hoping the campus wasn't burning down while she was stuck in the middle of nowhere, with no vampire to abuse, no General and no RB. "I should have bought a Volvo, they have no class or style, but at least they're dependable," she muttered.

*****************
Darry walked up the steps to the tower, it was her only hope. "Damn," Darry exclaimed, kicking the door with a Gucci pump. Still hanging on the door was the sign that read, "Wenches of Big Muscular Alpha MacDaddies Only."

*****************

The General hurriedly piled all the Ho's into the bus and told the driver to floor it. Then he tried to reach other HSU staffers, but of course no one answered their phones. "Where is my secretary?" He wondered out loud after trying unsuccessfully to reach Diebin. She wasn't answering the office phone, her room phone or her cell phone.

*****************

Diebin and Dande sat in the tower, listening to Duran Duran's Rio CD. Dande was teaching her wenchiwan how to get bigger hair than Charo's. Dande pulled out her industrial strength can of hairspray as she used a pick to fluff Die's frizzy do. "Close your eyes," she directed her wenchiwan as she lacquered Die's hair.

Haken turned to the wenches. "There, I moved the TV back to the corner, how is that?"

Die and Dande glanced absently at the TV. Die coyly shook her head. "Oh, no, I'm afraid I don't like it there, could you move it back over to that wall?" Die asked sweetly, batting her eyelashes.

The lug furrowed his brows. He had moved the TV to every possible location, including the wall Die was pointing at. 'Oh well,' he thought. 'Women can never make up their minds.'

He picked up the TV again, his biceps bulging as his face glowed with a fine sheen of sweat.

Die and Dande exchanged a knowing glance, then turned their attention back to the huge man grunting as he strained to move the TV again. Dande sighed with pride. Her wenchiwan was learning fast.

******************

As the bus pulled away, Kendra came running out of the gas station bathroom. "Hey! Come back," she called after the bus.

*****************

Darry stalked back into the clinic, "Mr. Vocab, I need you to take down a body...." her voice trailed off and her mouth fell open.

The walls had been plastered with pictures of a certain Backstreet boy toy, frosted hair, vacuous eyes and toothy grin taunting her from every direction. If that weren't enough, the sides of her desk had been shot full of arrows. On top of the desk were three books, "101 Rope Knots," Rope Jokes, Volume 2," and "Neck Stretching Exercises, a Stress Reduction Book."

Darry calmly exhaled a long breath and picked up Dorotea's EA for the RB. She didn't hear the sirens over the sound of her shredder.

******************

A short time later, a large bus pulled onto the smoky HSU campus. The General stepped off the bus, followed by the sunburned, exhausted Frosh ho's.

"Has anyone seen Kendra?" Jen asked.

"No, do you smell burning fur?" Ellie asked, wrinkling her nose.

"Isn't it great to be home?" The General said with a grin, serenely surveying the chaos. Then he saw Emmy.

THE END