~~I've been a bad bad girl~~

Dorotea sat in her Volvo, moping. "Scrap metal, I can't believe she said that," Dorotea pouted. "Dande said to find a live man. Well, Lord Pelham will be alive after the ritual, hopefully."

Dorotea flipped through her book, 'How to Revive the Dead and Live to Tell About It.' She sighed and stepped out of her duct-taped Volvo. She pulled a bag from the back and slung it over her shoulder.

Kendra asked cheerfully, "Need any help?"

Dorotea glared at her. "No. You never saw the bag. You never saw me. Understand?" Dorotea growled.

Kendra nodded. "Um, is the library open?"

"No," Dorotea snapped as she walked away.

Kendra watched her stalk off. Should she tell someone about the braying coming from the bag?

An exhausted Ellie appeared. "I love being Darry's padawan, but gosh, she's a little demanding. Do you know she wanted a coffin delivered to the Library? And then it somehow reappeared outside the clinic, so Mr. Vocab had to move it back. What do you think Dorotea is going to do with that? I hope it doesn't involve the General, he still hasn't recovered from the Goth thing."

Kendra just shook her head. "I don't know. I don't want to know."

~~I've been careless with a delicate man~~

Emmy pushed the General's hands into the bowl of baby oil. "You have to leave them in!"

"But, Emmy, they've been soaking for an hour now."

Emmy narrowed her eyes. "You're the one who let her do this to you. Don't let her near you unless you're positive she's not carrying cosmetics."

"Yes, Emmy."

Emmy pulled out the orangewood stick. "She totally humiliated you. Do you realize that? Not to mention she ruined my plans for the rave. No one ruins my plans. And that whole rave thing was her idea to begin with, what a disaster."

"I don't think it was that horrible..."

Emmy snorted. "Hands," Emmy demanded as she begin shoving the orangewood stick at the General's cuticles.

The General grimaced in pain and sighed. He just wanted to know why Dorotea had done this to him.

~~What I need is a good defense, 'Cause I'm feelin' like a criminal~~

Xanatos frowned as he read the sign hanging at the mine entrance. A restraining order -- against him? "Shana, Shana...so untrusting, my love. Fine, I'll find something else to amuse myself with, other than stealing," Xanatos said under his breath. "What, what, what?" Xanatos grinned. Of course, Dorotea must have calmed down by now.

~~Heaven help me for the way I am
Save me from these evil deeds before I get them done~~

Dorotea sat on a cushion in the library with a Darth Maul spiral notebook she had gotten on clearance at Target, chewing the end of her Obi-Wan lightsaber pen. "How do I get even with Emmy...what would really drive her crazy...other than more lipstick on the General...I can't stand that...yuck...hmmm...."

The goat started chewing on her notebook. Dorotea patted it absently on the head as it pulled the notebook away. Dorotea sighed and picked up Xani's latest copy of the Jedi Temple Alumni Magazine. She flipped absently through the pages as the scene of Lord Pelham in the movie Plunkett and Macleane endlessly looped on the big screen TV. Then she saw it. The perfect revenge. Right there in the classified section, next to the ad for Jedi Tantric Sexual Positions Manual. Dorotea cackled and picked up her phone. The ad read:

"Don't look like Master Windu! Use FORCE SENSITIVE PROCEPIA. It mixes with your own midichlorians to make hair grow 10 inches overnight! You will be a long-maned babe magnet in 24 HOURS! ORDER NOW. Express Delivery available!
1-800-CHCKSLVHAIR"

~~So what would an angel say
The devil wants to know~~

Laure and Shana sat in the mediator's office, on her leather sofa. The RB sat between them in his black leather armor, drinking his Merlot. He reached for a strawberry, dipped it in whipped topping and pressed it to Shana's mouth, then he did the same for Laure.

"I feel so loved. So complete." The RB mused as he continued to feed his companions.

Laure and Shana exchanged a 'We have him right where we want him look.'

~~I've got to make a play to make my lover stay~~

Darry moaned as the phone rang, continually. She finally crawled across Cicero to answer it. "WHAT?"

"Grrr."

"I don't care. I'm busy! And quarantined!"

"Grrr."

"I don't know why there is ice in the hallways. I don't care! Just wrap the sprains. Have Tasha help."

"Grrr."

"You're welcome," Darry said as she pulled the phone cord from the wall and tossed the phone across the room. She looked at the broken phone on the floor. "Damn. Now how am I going to call Ellie to give her orders?"

"You still have that thing you were yelling to someone named Mulder into, my beloved," Cicero reminded her gently.

Darry smiled and lunged; she loved intelligent men.

~~Oh help me but don't tell me to deny it~~

The General walked cautiously into the library. Dorotea appeared from the back, smiling cheerfully and carrying a box. The General had a bad feeling about this.

"Hi, General. I'm not carrying any cosmetics, I promise."

"Good," the General said flatly as she approached. "Will you just tell me why you did it? Was it a practical joke? You know all the pranks you grrls play on each other is just dangerous..."

Dorotea put down the box and grabbed the General's very soft hands, finally clean of black fingernail polish. "I am so sorry about that. You are right -- the jokes, pranks and baiting have to stop," Dorotea said earnestly. She kissed the General's cleft on his chin. "To make it up to you, I baked some brownies for you." She opened the box and pulled out a brownie, pressing it to his mouth.

The General ate the brownie. They were very good. "Thank you, Dorotea."

Dorotea nodded, then saw Xani sneaking in through a side door. She threw a glare at him as the General snatched another brownie. Dorotea put the box in his hands. "Here take them, but don't let anyone else eat them. They're for you only. I have a lot of work to do and I think you're supposed to be quarantined with Emmy, so you better get back to her. You know how she is and I know she'll freak if she knows you were here. Plus, Diebin had a little computer glitch and canceled all my appointments for this week, but don't worry, we'll work it out peacefully. Have a nice day," Dorotea said in her trademark rush of words as she led the General to the front door.

The General nodded, his mouth full. He sensed something elusive, but couldn't quite grasp what it was. Hmm...well, it was probably nothing. Clutching the delicious brownies, he walked outside, waving at Dorotea as he left. He didn't know why Emmy went on about her so much, a perfectly nice girl, somewhat eccentric, but she could bake. The General stuffed another brownie in his mouth as he made his way back to Emmy.

~~Let me know the way
before there is hell to pay~~

Dorotea closed and locked the door behind the General, activating the new alarm Mr. Vocab had installed, making time between Tasha and his temporary nursing duties. Strangely enough, there had been several sprains from ice skating through the halls.

She turned and looked around the library. No Xani.

"I know you're here, come out."

"You want to play hide-and-seek, my love?"

"No!" Dorotea snapped. "I don't want to play anything with you. I want you to leave."

Xani walked out from behind a stack of books. "My love, I don't have anywhere to go," he pouted.

"I'm not your love and that is your problem, not mine."

Xanatos swaggered over to wear Dorotea was leaning against her desk. He tilted his head so his ebony hair brushed over his eyes. "You are my love, princess. You're not still angry about that little mindtrick indiscretion, are you?"

Dorotea tried to ignore the tingling sensations she felt in his presence. "Um, yes, I am...angry. Very angry," she said, not completely believably.

Xani smiled slightly, moving closer as he sensed her defenses faltering. "But, you have to admit the look on Emmy's face was priceless."

Dorotea tried to suppress a smile, but failed. "Well..."

"When she called the General a freak and kept screaming at him to take a shower...?"

Dorotea laughed. "Yeah, I mean I felt sorry for the General, but to see Emmy lose it like that, it was funny."

Xani grinned. "Forgiven?" He asked, moving closer to her, gently brushing back wayward lock of hair from her eyes.

"Yes, as long as you understand that if you mindtrick me again I'll use a mojo on you that will make your wanger fall off."

Xani shuddered slightly. "I understand. I love you, Dorotea."

"Then we're fine. And, I love you just as much as you love me," Dorotea said, grasping the back of his neck and pulling him in for a kiss.

~~Give me room to lay the law and let me go~~

Emmy stretched, smiling as she felt the General's warm body next to hers. It was close to midnight, but she was rested enough for some fun, now that all traces of the black fingernail polish had been removed. She rolled toward him, snuggling up to his...hair? Emmy's eyes shot open. Hair. Long, golden hair. On HER General? That was just wrong. WRONG. How? Who?

Emmy screamed, "DOROTEA!" That black-clad, ex-Qui chick had to be responsible for this.

The General bolted up. "What?" He felt his hair brush against his shoulders. He looked down at it. "How did my hair grow so long overnight?" He asked, befuddled.

Emmy jumped out of bed, rummaging through the dresser for some scissors. "Dorotea. It had to be Dorotea. I'll get her. Oh, she'll make a mistake and then I will get her and her men, too."

"Her what?" The General asked, furrowing his brow.

Emmy cleared her throat, pushing the General into a chair as she began snipping his long locks. "I meant her car. I'll get her and the piece of crap she drives."

~~I know tomorrow brings the consequence at hand
But I keep livin' this day like the next will never come~~

Dorotea looked at the zonked Xani sleeping in her bed. Drugged Merlot was truly a wonderful thing. She gave him a quick kiss on the forehead and then slipped down the stairs. "Just wait until Emmy finds out the General's hair will grow like that for a week. Heh, teach the Divah to glue me out of the library," Dorotea chuckled to herself.

Once downstairs she drew the pentagram on the floor. Everything was perfect. The moon was full and in Scorpio, perfect for transformations and resurrections. She lined the perimeter of the pentagram and the coffin with candles and lit them.

She placed feta cheese, a goat hair sweater, Extra Virgin Olive Oil, a black scrunchie, fake vampire blood, a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken, the video of Plunkett and Macleane, and a purple velvet waistcoat in the center of the pentagram.

She sat down in the middle of the circle cross-legged and began chanting in Latin, hoping she had read the book, '201 Latin Verbs', correctly. She sprinkled a mix of herbs over the items and then waved several amulets over them.

Continuing to chant, she pulled out a long wood match, struck it against the sole of her Doc Martens and threw it on the items. There was a "boom" and a poof of smoke billowed upwards.

Dorotea waved the smoke away to see -- nothing. "Damn," she muttered as she stood up and brushed herbs off her black clothing. "Well, at least I didn't get someone I didn't want, like Jabba the Hut or something. I'm only allowed two EA's anyway."

As she started cleaning up the remains of the debris from the ritual, she heard a knocking sound. She looked around the library. "Xani?" She asked.

Nothing. Then she heard the muffled knocking again. She looked toward the coffin. It moved. Dorotea jumped, gulping.

"Oh shit," she said.

She stared at the coffin as the knocking continued. Gathering her courage, she walked toward it. "Please, no zombies," she said.

She took a deep breath, closed her eyes and pushed off the coffin lid. It fell to the floor with a loud clank. She heard rustling inside the coffin, but kept her eyes squeezed shut.

A cultured voice came from the coffin. "Thank you, m'lady. While I do not fear dark, confined places, this is a hopelessly unstylish coffin. I would prefer a crypt, I do believe, if I were to be dead. I feel slightly chilled, but quite alive."

Dorotea slowly opened her eyes. There he was, sitting up in the coffin, dusting off his 1740's circa clothing; velvet coat, white, frilly shirt, velvet breeches, black scrunchie holding back his ebony hair. "I can't believe it worked," She said.

He arched a brow and stood. He was tall and thin, with high cheekbones and deep brown eyes. He stepped out of the coffin and bowed to Dorotea. "Lord Pelham at your service, m'lady."

"I can't believe it worked," Dorotea repeated as the Lord kissed her hand. A grin spread across her face and she closed the space between them, he wasn't going to feel chilled for long.

THE END