Title: HSU - Crazy Little Thing Called Ho
Author: Emmy
Rating: WJA (White Jacket, Anyone?)
Archive: Sure
Disclaimer: Uh.... I don't own anyone but me, and even that is questionable.
Timeline: After Judy's 'Bitching with Style'
Notes: I make no excuse for the ending.

Emmy whined and sobbed. It was only getting worse instead of better. The more she tried to restore her naturally curly raven tresses, the more she looked like an Exxon Valdez cleaning mop.

Aside from the fact that cleaning mops don't have "Qui Ass Here" written on them.

Emmy primal screamed into a pillow.

Then she decided to pull herself together.

She walked to the closet, opened the door, and banged it against the wall several times. Then she took a deep breath and looked for the right outfit to wear on her walk to the tower to see Dande.

Emmy screeched and ripped all the white trash clothing off her hangers, marched over to the fireplace, and threw them in. Then, thinking better of trying to burn polyester blends, she gathered them out of the fireplace, opened a window, and threw them from her second-story living quarters.

"Watch it!" rose Darry's voice from the ground.

"Bite me!" Emmy yelled before slamming the window shut.

~*~

Darry groused as she pulled an elasticized peasant shirt off her head, flinging it to the ground while kicking the rest of the offending, cheap clothing from her Ferragamo shoes. She smoothed her hair down, flipped it, and then proceeded to march toward the library.

As she rounded a corner, she crashed into a very solid, towering form.

"Excuse me," Qui-Gon said as he prevented the Nurse from toppling to the ground.

"Watch where you're going," Darry snapped as she looked down to smooth out her suit. And then she looked up. "Holy shit."

Qui-Gon assumed his bemused expression, hands clasping in front of him.

"I thought you were dead," Darry said.

"I get that a lot," Qui-Gon said.

Darry raised an eyebrow.

"But I am very much alive," he continued. "And quite pleased to be with my padawan again in this world. I do hope that--"

Darry raised her arm, flipping out her palm in perfect Ho "talk to the hand" posture. Keeping her arm upright, she shook her head, turned on her heel, and walked away.

Qui-Gon pursed his lips as he watched Darry disappear. What had Obi-Wan gotten himself into? The Master decided the best place for him at the moment was in the tower with Dande. A refuge amidst all these ungrateful and ill-mannered women.

~*~

Emmy pouted into the mirror. Her finely pressed summer cotton blouse wasn't doing anything to hide the Qui-Gon tattoo. The fairy on her shoulder was hidden well enough, and the Obi-Wan on her ankle could be compensated for by her long skirt coupled with a quick stride. But she didn't have any summer clothes that would make the offensive Master marking disappear.

And she certainly couldn't wear winter clothes in the middle of June.

She pinned up her no-longer lustrous hair and then looked for something to cover the humiliating mess. Of course, her head has always been too big for hats, aside from the fact that hats and tiaras didn't mix.

She cringed and pulled her last hope down from the closet shelf, the Carhart baseball cap she had bought her dad for Father's Day. Anything was better than letting people see her hair. She examined herself in the mirror and breathed a great sigh of relief that she had decided not to buy the John Deere cap.

~*~

"I am but the messenger. I have been sent to show the people the way."

Space Dog barked.

Jael brandished her broadsword. "The voices have spoken."

Space Dog whined and dropped to the ground, covering her head with her paws.

"I must avenge the Ewoks!" Jael bellowed.

"Jael."

She spun around to find the General watching her with a slightly exasperated expression.

"Bow down before me, thou vile oppressor!" Jael yelled, lunging forward in perfect form, her sword pointed toward the General's chest.

The General sighed. With one quick motion, he reached down, grabbed his sabre, ignited it, and casually held it for display in a "my weapon is bigger than your weapon, so get bent" pose.

Jael's eyes narrowed, never breaking her steady stance. But suddenly she swooped around, hair sweeping with her movement, leapt over Space Dog and ran back to the rugby pitch calling, "AIEEAIEEAIEEAIEEAIEEAIEE" all the way home.

The General disengaged his sabre, rubbing his forehead for the hundredth time as he turned back toward the admin building. There had to be one girl on this campus who was sane and/or not inclined to injure him.

Then he saw Diebin in her pink dress, skipping around the lawn and chasing pretty butterflies.

Okay, so he was wrong. They were all a bunch of nutters.

Diebin gasped as she saw the General swaggering toward her. Something in the back of her mind registered this as a good thing...and something...elusive. Diebin suddenly had the urge to growl. But then her mind shifted, and she giggled instead.

The General had a very bad feeling about this. "Diebin, what in the name of the Force are you doing?"

"Oh, General," she giggled and gushed. She hurried to his side and wrapped her hands around his arm for the bicep check. Impressive. Although, he didn't flex like Dande said they were supposed to.

"Why are you dressed like that?" the General asked, his patience completely worn out. "And what did you do to your hair?"

"Isn't is pretty?" Diebin squealed, brushing her hair back with one hand. Then she squeezed his arm. "Tell me, Master darling, what can I do for you? You look so tired."

The words, "Master darling" coming from Diebin's mouth sent horrified shudders through the General's body.

Out of nowhere, Diebin suddenly pulled a bunch of grapes from a secret pocket in her skirt. She plucked one off like Dande had shown her and pressed it against the General's tight lips.

"Enough!" the General yelled, backing up a few steps. "I leave you women alone for a few days, and you become a bunch of raving lunatics! Would it kill any of you just to be normal?!"

Diebin blinked.

The General suddenly regretted his outburst, knowing full well what kind of tone and wording a Ho will and will not tolerate.

Diebin smiled. "Oh, General. I'll take care of everything for you," she gushed again.

The General growled with frustration and stormed away from Diebin and back into the building. He needed a drink.

~*~

Emmy hurried to the tower, hurling insults at anyone who made the slightest commentary or glanced her direction.

"Well, well, look who we have here," Xanatos said, appearing from nowhere as he always did.

"Get OUT of my way!" Emmy yelled, slammed her palms against Xani's chest and shoving him to the wall.

"Oooohh, I like this," he purred.

"I hate you," Emmy seethed through clenched teeth.

A sly smile spread across Xani's face. "I know." He reached for the bill of her cap, "Oh, poor princess. Lost your crown?"

"Fuck off," Emmy growled, stomping away from the laughing Greysider.

"Please," he called out after her.

Emmy grumbled many curses and insults under her breath, trying to keep herself focused on her goal. "Watch where you're going!" she yelled as an older man in a crisp uniform suddenly crossed her path. Then she saw his face, his sharp expression examining her thoughtfully. "What the frrACK are YOU doing here?!"

"Charming. To the last," Tarkin said, aiming a haughty look at the sputtering Diva.

Emmy made a noise that was half-scream, half-growl as she continued on her quest to the tower. She had thought that going outside and circling the building would be the easiest path since she certainly would have encountered many Ho's by taking the quicker, indoor route. And of course the secret passageways were far too dusty.

Her hope grew as she opened the door and heard Duran Duran echoing in the stairway. Emmy hurried up the stairs, reaching for Dande's door when a sign caught her eye. A large, fluorescent pink posterboard was mounted on the door, the words KNOCK FIRST painted in large black letters. Around the edges of the posterboard were some lovely lace accents.

"DANDE!" Emmy yelled, banging the door.

The music immediately decreased in volume. "Come in, Emmy," came Dande's sing-song voice.

Emmy opened the door and marched in. "Dande, I need your help. I--" Emmy gasped. "YOU!"

Qui-Gon stepped forward. He had heard about this one. "Hello," he said calmly and as inoffensively as possible.

Emmy turned to Dande. "What is HE doing here?!"

"Oh. Well," Dande said. "It's a funny story, actually."

"Perhaps I can explain," Qui-Gon said.

"Get off my campus!"

"Now, Emmy," Dande said, gently taking the Diva by the arm and giving a curious look at the Carhart cap on her head. "Let's just have a seat and talk about your anger issues toward my Master."

Emmy pulled her arm away from Dande, taking defiant stance. "Does the General know he's here?"

"Yes," Qui-Gon said. "As a matter of fact, I spoke with Obi-Wan eariler."

"You WHAT?!" Emmy stepped forward, toe-to-toe and nose-to-chest with Qui-Gon. Then she looked up. "You tactless, unfeeling, self-righteous--"

"Do not question me where Obi-Wan is concerned," Qui-Gon shot back.

Emmy put her hands on her hips. "Excuse me?"

Danger bells sounding in Dande's head, the Wench stepped in between the two. "I am here. For both of you," she said in a very soothing tone. "Let's all sit down and have a nice, calm discussion."

Qui-Gon stared at Emmy.

Emmy stared back. Up. High.

Qui-Gon looked to Dande and then nodded his head. "Very well." He sat down in a chair as Dande pulled one up for Emmy.

Emmy, noticing that Qui-Gon was now the same height as her, said, "I'll stand."

"Emmy, please," Dande said.

Emmy sighed and sat in the chair. On her knees.

"Good," Dande said, taking the chair between the Alpha Master and the Alpha Ho. "Now, who wants to start fir--"

"Do you have any idea how much trouble you've caused?" Emmy said.

"Trouble? How could I cause trouble?" Qui-Gon said. "I've been *dead*."

"Just tossing our General off for that devil spawn brat, without so much as a thought about his feelings. He's with you for almost thirteen years, and then just like that you dump him."

"I don't have to justify my actions to you, young Diva," Qui-Gon said.

"You dissed our boy!"

"And Anakin *is* the chosen one."

Emmy rolled her eyes toward Dande.

Dande turned gently to Qui-Gon. "Master, perhaps if you knew what became of Anakin, you might understand Emmy's animosity. Of course, what became of Anakin is in no way your responsibility, and no one questions your faith in him and how your good intentions motivated your decision."

"Yeah, right," Emmy snorted. "Listen up, hippie man. You can huff and gruff and storm around in full alpha male splendor all you want."

Dande swooned.

"But the bottom line is that you tossed off a steadfast and loyal padawan for a devil spawn brat who exterminated the Je--"

"Emmy!" Dande said pleadingly.

"And then you go and DIE and pass the brat off to him, thereby ensuring that he has no measure of happiness or levity in his life," Emmy said. "And THAT'S why he has us. So if you don't like it, you can bugger off!"

Qui-Gon leaned forward in his chair. "And if it weren't for me, you wouldn't have him in the first place," he said, pointing his finger at her.

"Oh, that's rich," Emmy said. "You would have had him shipped off to be a farmer if he hadn't have saved your ass!"

"You should show me some respect," he growled.

"Oh yeah, like the respect you showed Xanatos when you killed his father!"

"Emmy," Dande said. "Did you just defend Xanatos?"

"No," Emmy said, crossing her arms.

"Never mention that name to me again," Qui-Gon said.

Emmy laughed. "You'd better get used it around here."

"I really don't think this discussion is getting us anywhere," Dande said.

"Dande, you are friends with these women?" Qui-Gon asked.

"Hey!" Emmy said. "You're just all rankled because we don't thud at your feet. Your alpha male ego can't stand the fact that you won't get any from anyone but Dande."

"I don't need anyone but Dande," he said.

Emmy crossed her arms, her feet and calves going numb under the weight of her body.

Dande tried not to thud.

"Okay, fine," Emmy said. "You love Dande. Sometimes I love Dande when she's not listening to Titanic or duct taping me." Emmy sighed. "For Dande's sake, you can stay."

Qui-Gon chuckled. "You are granting me permission," he said in a not too thinly veiled condescending tone.

"Don't push me, hippie man," Emmy said. "You're on Ho turf now." She turned to Dande. "You keep him in this tower."

Dande grinned. "Not a problem."

"Dande is the only Wench here," Emmy said to Qui-Gon. "Well, there's Dorotea, but she's not quite...well....she's just Dorotea." Emmy stood up and tried to stomp the feeling back into her feet. "Just don't annoy the rest of the Ho's, okay?"

"He won't," Dande said. "Of course he won't. Will you?" Dande asked, batting her eyelashes at Qui-Gon.

"I would never intentionally upset anyone," he said.

"Uh-huh," Emmy said, flapping her hand and turning toward Dande.

Qui-Gon bristled. This woman needed to be put in her place. He would be sure to mention it to Obi-Wan.

"Now, Emmy," Dande said. "Why are you wearing that cap?"

Emmy reluctantly took off the cap.

Dande gasped.

"Help me, Dande."

"Of course," Dande said, taking Emmy's hand and leading her to the spacious bathroom. Dande opened a large closet, and Emmy gasped at the array of hair products neatly lined up on the shelves. "I'll fix you up, girlfriend."

~*~

"AIEEAIEEAIEEAIEE!!" Jael screamed as she ran through the halls of the admin building. "The Ewoks shall be avenged!" As she neared the end of the hallway, she drew her broadsword and leapt around the corner.

And then she stopped.

The spare office was now occupied, the plaque, "Campus Mediator" afixed to the wall next to the door.

Jael grinned. There was someone new to subjugate.

~*~

Emmy floored it as she sped down the road in her Mercedes, yanking the pina colada tree freshener off the dashboard and chucking it over her shoulder and out of the car. She cranked up the volume on her Pottery Barn 'Divas' CD as she cruised with the top down, the wind blows through her perfectly restored hair, laughing triumphantly as Ella began to sing.

The white trash was nearly expunged from her system.

Now there was only one last thing to take care of.

Well, aside from a General shag fest, of course.

~*~

The General lowered his glass to the table with a noisy clank. Where was everyone? Even Judy wasn't around. He figured if he sat there long enough, somebody would show. He was just too tired to prowl.

He glanced over to the patio door as it opened, a hopeful expression on his face.

And then he glowered.

Max stepped into the bar, stopping momentarily as he caught the General's perturbed gaze. He considered going back outside. But he really needed a drink, too. Chasing down Jael had become a difficult task.

He walked to the bar, keeping the General in the corner of his eye. He looked over the bar, hoping to find something potent.

"Here."

Max turned around to see a set of keys flying at him.

"The good ale is in the closet," the General said. He had wanted to dislike this other general. But he felt an odd kinship with this man and his defeated mood.

"Mind if I join you?" Max said, carrying a few bottles toward the General's table.

"Sure," the General said nonchalantly.

Max sank into the empty chair and offered a bottle to the General.

"Thank you."

"Rough day?" Max asked.

"You've no idea," the General said.

"I might."

The General chuckled, tilting his bottle towards Max before taking a good, long draught.

~*~

Diebin flounced up the stairs toward Dande's room. She couldn't wait to tell her Master how well she'd done with the General.

Reaching the top of the stairs, she politely knocked as Dande had instructed.

"Who is it?" Dande called out.

"It's me, Master," Diebin said.

The door opened quickly, a large grin on Dande's face. "I have a surprise for you, Wenchiwan."

"You do?" Diebin asked excitedly, the bow in her hair bouncing happily on her head.

"Yes," Dande nodded. "I have a real Master for you to meet."

"Really?" Diebin squealed.

"Come in, Wenchiwan," Dande said, pulling Diebin through the door. "And meet my Master."

"You're wha?" Diebin asked, slightly dumbfounded.

"My Master has returned," Dande said as Qui-Gon stepped forward. "Isn't it wonderful?"

"Hello, Little One," Qui-Gon said.

And just like that, something snapped in Diebin's head.

"It is a pleasure to meet you," Qui-Gon said. "Dande says you have become a most impressive Wenchiwan."

"Wenchi who?" Diebin asked. "Listen, Papa Qui, I'm a Ho! I don't know how the hell you got here--"

"Diebin!" Dande said, shaking her. "What is happening to you?"

"Me? What about you?" Diebin said. "You should have asked me before playing with the old clones!"

"But...but," Dande said, "you're my Wenchiwan."

Diebin snorted. "Since when?"

Dande began to tear up.

"I will not permit you to upset my Wench," Qui-Gon said, stomping forward. "You will have to leave. Immediately."

Diebin laughed. "Oooohh, the Crispy Old Dead Guy got his knickers in a bunch! Well, boo fucking hoo, ya old cold fish!" She continued to cackle and then made a most unfortunate turn toward Dande's full-length mirror.

~*~

"They tossed your bike in the pool?" Max asked in disbelief.

"Oh yeah," the General said with slightly drunken exaggeration. "And that's not the half of it."

"Why do you stay here?" Max slurred.

The General smiled evily and waggled his eyebrows as he took another drink.

Max laughed, nodding his head.

And then a distant, horrified scream filtered in through the open windows.

Max sat upright in his chair. "There is trouble."

"Ah," the General said, flapping his hand, "probably just Emmy."

"Actually, it's not Emmy."

Both Generals' heads turned toward the door to see the Diva standing there with her arms crossed. She sauntered into the room and pulled up a chair to sit at their table. "Nice to see you boys getting along."

"What happened to you?" the General asked, leaning forward to get a better view of the bright red blotch on Emmy's chest. Then his eyes noticed another one all around her ankle where his name had been.

Emmy sat down very, very carefully in the chair, grabbed an ale, and began to drink heartily. She sighed and clunked the bottle down onto the table. She looked at both Generals eyeing her intently. A wicked grin spread across her face.

Nah, she thought.

They'd never go for it.

At least Kenobi wouldn't.

Emmy looked at the empty bottle sitting on the table.

Or would he?

The End