Title: HSU-What's the Buzz
Author: Shana Nolan
Rating: CH (Cracked in the Head)
Disclaimer: the only thing I own is my insanity, and even then the insurance might want to claim that. Lines from JC Superstar shamelessly pillaged. ;-)
Timeline: After, in order: The Making of, Transformation, Photoart

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

What's the buzz / Tell me what's happening

"So it's not the water, air, food, beauty products... what about the OG?"

Caeryn paused and grinned wolfishly.

Shana nodded. She shoulda figured. "He's fine too. Okay, what's left?"

"I'll go test him again if you suspect him in the slightest--"

"No, no, that's okay, I can do that if it comes to that."

"How about the lack of the first General?"

"You're going to drive down and test that theory amidst all those frosh Hos?"

"Maybe not. I'll go, um... what will I do?"

The OSA Director shrugged at the Dean as she stood up and slid on her Versaci jacket. "I dunno, but I'll be off prying a few things from Dorotea and Darry, starting with that tiger ordering form."

"And the RB?"

"Hey, whack he may be, but he's still good looking."

"Yeah, sure. So when did you get back?"

Um," Shana blinked. "I'm not sure? It was a Galaxy Quest moment. Gloop, Zoom, Aaaaaaaaaahh, Gloop, Wobble."

~*~

You'd have managed better if you'd had it planned / Why'd you choose such a backward time and such a strange land?

~*~

Dorotea lay low in her Volvo, peering over the back seat. She knew Shana had returned, and the furniture, minus a table they had thrown in for free after her huge order, had not yet arrived. The only two pieces, minus the free table, in the office were the desk, which had been lately turned into a tiger scratching post, and the fainting couch, whose fabric looked more orange and black than the deep forest green.

She was dead, and not in a good way.

"Your car sucks!"

Dorotea peered over the seat again, catching a glimpse of crimson and fuchsia. Those were definitely Target clothes. A little bit better than Wal-Mart, a few less kiddies enslaved, but still, not the Diva.

Dead. Dead. Dead.

And then someone knocked on the driver's side window.

~*~

Look at all my trials and tribulations / Sinking in a gentle pool of wine

~*~

"I can't believe I have to go through this. What, did Dorotea coddle you into a happy state or something? Doesn't she whap you around and call you names like 'whelp tyrant?'"

"No," Commo replied, wondering why the woman before him was so irate all of a sudden. It wasn't as if he had ordered her entire family killed.

"Oh, that's right, she likes that gentle stuff."

Fiddling with the mouse, trying to cue up "Ages of Civilization," he shrugged. "She gave me medication."

'MEDICATION?!"

"I'll go off it if it makes you happy."

The Director snarled, suddenly catching sight of huge claw marks in her formerly flawless desk. "Anything else I should know before I go into a homicidal spree?"

"That Xani fellow has a lot of neat ideas. I could use him in my planned re-conquering of Rome."

"Planned. Reconquering."

"Yes, would you like a role? Since my sister isn't around to--"

"Fill your bed?"

"--advise me, I thought you could help. You seem very good at political matters."

Shana ground her teeth. "You could say that."

There was a pause. "You don't love me."

"I'll love you when you get YOUR ROMAN ASS IN GEAR AND GET RID OF THIS TIGER FUR!"

The RB, victorious in getting his question answered, smiled and grabbed the lint brush, tackling the fainting couch first. "Yes, my love."

Shana dropped her head down on her desk and made a low growling sound. "I just can't win. I just had to do the app on the whack and not the OG. Nooo, Shana has to like the dark broody ones that she can manipulate."

Stopping his de-linting, he crossed the room, walked behind the desk and slid a hand along the OSA director's neck. "You're vexed. I know all about it. Maybe you didn't enjoy your holiday, or someone made you upset by betraying you."

"Huh?"

"I can soothe you, get you a glass of Merlot, and Dorotea has taught me all about these desks and their uses..."

*THWACK*

A few moments later, pulling himself off the floor, one of his sandaled feet caught under the free table, the RB sighed.

Shana turned her chair and crossed her arms. She had other affairs to deal with, like the Wenchiwan and GinsuEmmy. "Well?"

"That was nice. Do it again?"

~*~

Prove to me that you're divine / Change my water into wine

~*~

"Again, my Wenchiwan!"

Diebin, screwing up her face, ran for the huge hunk of muscle, listening to her skirts rustle as she dived, intending to latch onto the flexed bicep.

"Aaahh!" With a resounding thunk she crashed to the ground, falling face first into the field's well trimmed grass.

Dande shook her head. The poor thing was still being influenced by her former Ho being. As a Master Wench she felt obligated to work her student free of such inclinations, but it was proving more difficult than she thought. Diebin had too many external influences.

"Dand--uh, master?"

"Yes?" Dande primped her hair and prepared to dish out ancient Wench wisdom.

"When can I try this on Max?"

Dande clucked her protégé. "When you can properly thud, my Wenchiwan."

Diebin blinked, pulling grass out of her now frizzed hair. "I didn't just do that?"

"No, my Wenchiwan."

"Damn."

~*~

And then I heard them mentioning my name / And leaving me the blame

~*~

Xani stood perilously between the two women, watching for that key moment to dive for his escape route, not wishing to accidentally scar his other cheek in a cat fight. "Ladies, it's alright."

Darry pointed at the Librarian. "It's her man's fault! There's tiger fur all over the place, Italy has called and begged that we stop ordering so much Merlot for 'medicinal purposes' and I refuse to treat any more 'arena' accidents!"

"They turned down your credit line, my dear Nurse?"

Darry glared at the grey one. "Yes, they did. Credit check brought up some questionable items, the bastards."

Dorotea gestured helplessly. " I know nothing about that, I've been stuck on the phone with the Bombay Company for two days. Do you know how hard it is to backtrack to the first menu when you accidentally pick the 'press 2 for french' button?"

"And the rope joke book?"

There was a pause. "Someone requested it for the library."

Xani backed up a bit. "It could have been an accident. Maybe it was meant for that other university."

"Bollocks."

"No, I know who ordered it."

Darry took a step forward, preparing to grab for her cel and dial backup. "Who?"

"No one of dire importance," the librarian tried.

"Boot polisher."

"One of the guys. Don't worry about it."

"Grape peeler."

"Uh..." Dorotea looked around desperately, catching Xani backing his way towards a side entrance. "Cal! Cal ordered it!"

Darry raised an eyebrow.

"Vocab Man?"

The Nurse brandished her cel. "Don't make me hit 'dial.'"

Making a dash for the door, intending to sneak out and plan his Ho thudding, Xani nearly missed as the Librarian pointed a finger at him and declared, "It's him!"

Darry paused, easing her grip of the celphone. Looking around suspiciously, watching as a flash of orange and black stripes slipped down towards the new arena area, she decided to save her annoyance for later. "Well, okay. You never know with him."

Dorotea sighed in relief. No doubt the Nurse would skin Commo alive if she knew about that book.

"But-- if its that little rat bastard, I'm gonna show him what a neck wound is all about!"

"I'll be in my Volvo should you need me."

~*~

Everything's alright, yes, everything's fine

~*~

"Judy! Can you hear me?!"

The HSU bartender pulled her ear away from the phone, wincing as the General screamed over the noise from his end. "Just fine, don't yell."

"What?!"

"What do you need, General?"

General Kenobi watched as one by one the frosh Hos came screaming out of the tube, splashing into the pool below. "Sanity, for one!"

Judy bit her lip, resisting the urge to go on about Wenchiwans, possessed Hos, tigers, Purina's sudden offer of stock options and the rash amount of alcohol being shipped daily to the campus. "Can't help there. What else?"

"We'll be coming home soon if I have any say about it!"

"Oh, good, just a sec." Covering the receiver, Judy waved a hand down the bar. "Hey, Julia, Sere, how ya doing with the pictures?"

The pair waved, setting down their margaritas. "Great! 25 rolls! We could do a book!"

Judy nodded and removed her hand. "Hey General, sounds good, but don't force those frosh Hos. They're still Hos, after all."

There was a groan from the other end. "Yes, I know."

"See ya, baby."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*