Title: HSU: Bitching With Style
Author: Judy
Timeline: Post-Honey I'm Home
Rating: STGGPO (See the General Get Pissed Off) read: Bad Words (Gasp!)
Archive: Yes, please, Nurse! More medicinal supplies headed your way!
Disclaimer: GL owns the boys, etc. etc. etc.
Summary: You want conflict? You got conflict! Sorry if this messes with any plans, but these two just had to meet up! :D
Notes: The book Judy (me) is reading is a real title!
Feedback: If you like...

"Bitching With Style"

Judy hummed softly to herself as she wiped down the elegant mahogany bartop. The sun was shining. Birds were chirping. Life was getting back to what passed for normal at HSU. Emmy was no longer possessed, although she still looked like hell. The frosh were back, relatively unscathed, from their adventures in the wilds of Texas. Darry was....well, Darry. Dorotea was...well, Dorotea. Dande was happily ensconced in her tower. Yep, everything back to normal...

"How DO you do?" a sweet, light voice floated in from the outside patio.

Judy looked up. What's Dande doing out of the tower? she thought and walked over to the sliding glass door.

"How do YOU do?" the voice repeated, changing the emphasis. "HOW do you do? How KIND of you to let me come.

Judy gaped in amazement. It was Diebin. Decked out in a long-flowing PINK dress, with a huge bow in the back. It looked like an '80s prom dress gone horribly wrong. Her permed hair was tied up with a big pink bow. She was mincing back and forth across the patio, teetering in pink pumps, gesturing broadly with her hands.

"D...Diebin?" Judy ventured, almost afraid to know the horrible truth.

"Oh! Why, I do declare, you startled me!" Diebin said in that unnaturally sweet voice, placing her hand dramatically over her forehead. "My Master has me practicing proper Wench etiquette. She thinks I'll pass with flying colors. Hee, hee!" With that, Diebin turned, teetering slightly again in her pink pumps, then flounced off.

Judy swallowed hard. This was an emergency. Something had to be done about Die. She hurried to the bar phone and dialed the clinic.

"Grrrr?"

Sighing, Judy groused. "Vocab! Is Darry there?"

"Grrrr."

"Well do you know where she went?"

"Grrrr."

"Hell. Well, if you see her, tell her Diebin is still acting like a wench, only she's gotten a lot worse."

"Grrrr."

"Thanks and say hi to Tasha for me."

As the bartender hung up, she knew where she had to go.

******

"Whaddaya mean I can't see him?" Judy huffed.

"He's busy, right now. Makeup time with Kendra," Brenda insisted. The padawan-Ho-who-surely-would-be-knighted-soon was busy adjusting her tiara in the glare of her computer screen. "You know how it is."

Sighing, Judy crossed her arms. "Well, that's wonderful for Kendra and all and I'm glad she's back, but this is an emergency! Diebin will be lost to the Wench side forever if we don't act soon. And frankly, I think the General is the only one who can help her."

"Well, I'll leave him a message and have him come talk with you when he's done. But as for when that'll be..." Brenda shrugged and began to casually file a nail.

"Jesus!" Judy stormed out.

*****

The day which had seemed so bright wasn't getting any better. It had been two hours since she'd spoken with Brenda. Judy had trudged all over the frickin' campus trying to track down various staff members. Emmy didn't count as she was holed up in her room refusing to ever come out again. Caeryn was off conducting "tests" with the OG and Shana apparently was trying to track down the RB. Darry had Xani off somewhere, and Dorotea hadn't been in either the library or her car. Ban had left with a hefty PO to buy more instruments or sheet music or something-or-other for the music hall, and Jael...

"You WILL bow down before me!!" the Geek Artist turned Avenging Angel waved her sword menacingly in front of Judy. Jael's eyes glowed, her nostrils stretched, primed for the hunt.

"Uh, yeah, Jaelly, sure. But I still gotta see your ID if you want a drink."

"I SAID," she yelled louder. "You will bow DOWN before me!"

"Jeez! I heard you the first time! What is it today? Everybody's got such a freakin' attitude...or they're off their rocker!" Judy yelled back, gesticulating wildly.

With a frustrated cry, Jael whipped out of the lounge, seeking out easier prey.

"I need a drink," sighed an equally frustrated barkeep.

*****

"So this is the bar! Niiice," commented Laure, the school's new mediator.

"Thanks! I'm proud of it. See those brass name plates. I call it my Ring of Honor," said Judy, pointing to the newest plate--Kendra's.

Laure walked along the bar reading the names. "Darry, well duh...Emmy....Dorotea...Diebin....Obi-Wan..." She looked up questioningly.

"Well, you'd be surprised how many margaritas it takes to get him drunk," Judy grinned wickedly. "However, I must hasten to add, that 'how many' is not always the deciding factor when I award placement. Take Kendra for instance," she nodded towards that plate. "She treats mega-margaritas just like a Big Gulp. It's amazing."

"Hmmm," Laure said, chewing on her bottom lip. "But, and please don't take offense, but isn't a bit of a dubious honor?"

"For this place? Are you kidding?" Judy snickered. "What can I get you?"

"Oh, just a regular rita. Extra salt."

Judy was handing Laure her drink when a loud roar came from outside, followed by loud clanking and muffled cursing.

"What now?" Judy murmured. Laure just raised an eyebrow. This ought to be good entertainment, at least.

The two Ho's went out on the patio. Judy immediately doubled over in laughter while Laure stood in shock.

"Why, that's...oh hell!" She rushed towards the fray.

The loud roar was from the tiger which had somehow gotten out of the clinic and appeared to have become offended at the Suit of Armor for some reason and was attempting to maul him through the metal.

"Fiendish creature!" a muffled voice cursed as the suit shook it's leg trying to dislodge the tiger which now seemed to be rubbing up against it. "Leave off!"

Laure walked carefully and quietly up to the scene. "Nice kitty. Good kitty," she whispered softly. But now the tiger was intent on licking the chest plate, clutching the suit between it's huge paws.

"Get it OFF me!" squeaked a very vexed voice from inside the suit. "Help! Help!"

Then Laure almost doubled over with laughter. The big cat was purring now, rubbing the armor and licking it. Someone had put catnip in the suit!

******

Three hours after the entertainment with the tiger, Judy sat behind the bar reading a new book while she waited on the General. It was now dark outside.

Fortunately in the interim, she'd had a pick-me-up when Kirin had come in carrying a cake and asking for a guinea pig.

"I'm testing out my new lab and want to make sure everything's working properly," she said as she held out her creation. "Would you help me test this? It's Chocolate Amaretto Cheesecake. And it should be absolutely *divine*."

Now, two pieces of cheesecake--to make sure the experiment was a total success--later, Judy was completely engrossed in her book, "How to Be a BITCH* With Style!" So she didn't hear the new patron come in. A very tall, recently resurrected visitor.

The not-so CODG entered the lounge area, ducking slightly through the doorway, his large, muscular frame moving with an ease and grace to which most men his size were unaccustomed. His long, dark brown cloak billowed elegantly behind him as he strode over to the bar. [Gratuitous discription for Dande!]

'So *that's* what they read around here,' the not-so CODG mused as he caught a glimpse of the title, 'well, at least I don't have to worry that my Dande would read material such as that.'

Qui-Gon cleared his throat and Judy glanced up, a frown forming as she took in the figure in front of her. The CODG. What the hell?! There was no blue aura around him. Was this...the *real* Qui-Gon? How in the world...?

"Great," she grumbled under her breath. "Just what I need. Some zombie in my bar."

Qui-Gon raised an eyebrow, smiling in that pleasant, yet somehow condescending way of his. "I am here to place a drink order. My lovely Dande," Judy rolled her eyes. "said you were the person to see. She mentioned you made a wonderful daiquiri--the virgin variety for her since she is expecting, as I am sure you are aware."

"Uh-huh." Judy still couldn't believe her eyes. He appeared to be real.

"And I would like a gin and tonic." [Oh, come on, I *had* to!!]

"You can actually drink?" She was curious. If he could drink, then he wasn't a zombie or did zombies drink, well, some could actually, they'd just pass out afterwards...

"I beg your pardon?" Qui-Gon didn't understand. Of course, he could drink. This clone body was fully functional in every way, as he and Dande had discovered.

"I mean, you can actually ingest liquids?" Judy allowed not a little sarcasm to seep into her voice. It was a simple question.

"Of course! I must admit that my appearance here must be a shock to you but I am most definitely alive."

"Ooo-kay. This is just a little weird but that's pretty much par for the course around here. I'll just put these drinks on Dande's tab."

"You'll do what?" Qui-Gon crossed his arms. This wouldn't do, for Dande to pay for this. What did he do now? He always paid. Oh wait, he had the perfect solution.

Waving his hand and drawing on the Force, he intoned, "I don't need to pay for those drinks."

The bartender just stared back. "Yeah, yeah, and I don't need to see your ID either. Do you know how often I hear that? Puh-leeze. Besides, isn't that mind whammy thing a little *old*? You need a new line."

She turned to whip up the virgin daiquiri.

Qui-Gon's lips thinned. He felt a flash of irritation. This little chit was the type his padawan put up with all the time. Why did Obi-Wan continue to put himself through this? There were plenty of women out there who would willingly worship a man such as his apprentice. He just didn't understand Obi-Wan at all anymore. Maybe he could set Obi-Wan up with a nice, quiet girl--like that little Diebin, his Dande's wenchiwan. From what Dande had told him, she seemed like a sweet, pretty little thing. She would treat men with the respect they were due, just like his Dande did. And listen to him and feed him grapes and... Yes, that's what he'd do. Now that he was back in his corporeal form, he could help his padawan overcome this unhealthy lifestyle. He'd introduce Obi-Wan to little Diebin. Surely Obi-Wan would see his Master's wisdom in this and come to his senses. Gathering his cloak about him, he turned to leave and came face to face with said padawan.

"Qui-Gon! You...here....what the fuck!" The General's face had gone pale. His eyes were wide. "You...you're alive! Yes?" The General looked like he didn't know whether to laugh or faint. He was dressed, per the norm, in black leather, which only served to bring out the red highlights in his short hair and the blue in his changeable eyes. "How?"

"I found clones of myself in your attic," Qui-Gon explained simply, reaching out to clasp Obi-Wan's shoulder. "From there it was simply a matter of projecting myself into one of the bodies. It's in perfect working order." He flexed his other arm proudly.

"Uh....clones? Of you? Clones, you say?" Obi-Wan suddenly felt very confused and his brow furrowed in that endearing way. It was obvious to Qui-Gon that Obi-Wan had no idea that clones of his master had been kept on the premises. The Jedi smiled in a fatherly way and was about to offer council when Obi-Wan turned towards the bar.

"Judith darling, do you know anything about clones of my former master?" His voice was soft, gentle yet demanding. Obi-Wan knew one of his girls had to be behind this. And why hadn't he been told?

"I...uh..." Judy thought for an excuse as best she could with the General staring at her. Diebin had enough problems without Obi-Wan finding out she'd brought old Qui clones here. Of course it really didn't matter now, in a way, but still it wasn't her place to say...

"Clones?" Obi-Wan prompted.

"Uh...clones....well, kinda hey did Brenda tell you I needed to see you and it was an *emergency*?" The words came out in a rush.

Qui-Gon chuckled. The poor girl, trying to misdirect his padawan this way. She obviously had known his clones were there.

However, the General was frowning. An emergency? Regarding one of his girls? He had only just gotten the message. And that's why he'd come to the bar--of course, not expecting to find his dead master alive.

"What is it?" he asked, focusing on his bartender. Judy swallowed as the full force on that intense gaze fell on her. The fact that the not-so CODG was standing there finally penetrated the haze.

"I don't want to talk in front of him. It's none of his business." She pointed at the Jedi Master.

Obi-Wan nodded. He had to respect his girls' privacy. He turned to regard the older man. "Qui-Gon, I would like to talk with you about your...um...reappearance, as it were, but right now, I'm afraid I have urgent business to attend to."

Qui-Gon blinked in utter confusion. A problem? Likely story! This was too much. From what Dande had told him and from what he'd seen from the tower, it was probably missing chocolate or something. "Padawan, she knows about those clones. It's obvious. Can't you see it? She's lying to you! These girls treat you like you mean nothing to them. I've been observing you ...in my other state...for some time now."

"Hold it!" Obi-Wan snapped. "I don't care if you did just arise from the dead and can fly around like a fuckin' bird, I will *not* have you insulting my girls. You owe me more than that, Qui-Gon."

"Padawan, I only want what's best for you..."

"And what would you know about that? You've been dead!" Obi-Wan spat out. "I happen to love all my girls and they love me. Yes, they're an eccentric bunch, and I like them that way!

"And Qui-Gon, one more thing. Stop calling me padawan. I am *not* your padawan anymore. Not for a long time! Especially not since you traded me in for that snot-nosed little 'chosen one' devil spawn! And you expected me to *train* him? I don't *think* so," Obi-Wan growled. A soft "eep" was heard from behind the bar. "So, go back up to the tower with your wench and leave me and my girls alone!"

Taken aback by this aggressive display, Qui-Gon blinked several times, then drew himself up to his full height. "Pada..." Seeing the warning look in Obi-Wan eyes, he began again. "Obi-Wan, where did this anger at me come from? I don't understand. What did I do? I thought we put that 'taking another apprentice' thing behind us? Perhaps you should examine this 'arrangement' you have here at this establishment. I believe it's affecting your abilities as a Jedi. You're allowing your anger to control you. You know where anger leads..."

Sliding automatically into The Stance and crossing his arms, Obi-Wan said coldly, "Fuck off, Qui-Gon."

The Jedi Master jerked back, clearly surprised. With a look of regret, he nodded at Obi-Wan, then turned on his heel and left in a swirl of material. He paused at the doorway and looked back briefly at Obi-Wan. The boy clearly was in over his head. These girls dominated him. They had him brainwashed. It just wasn't right. Qui-Gon knew what he had to do. He strode off in search of Dande's wenchiwan.

****

Judy stood in shock behind the bar. The General had just told off his old master! And he looked so sexy doing it too! She wanted him bad right now. The emergency surrounded Diebin's impending wench-hood faded.

Obi-Wan whirled to face her, a broad grin splitting his face. "Damn, that felt good!"

Judy motioned him forward. "You know what else would feel good? Damn good?" she whispered conspiratorially. A wicked look crossed Obi-Wan's face. "I think I have some free time right now."

As a growling General chased a giggling Judy into the bar's storage room, a shadowy figure emerged from behind the patio curtain. Xanatos was holding a martini, very dry. His icy blue eyes gleamed with delight. His old master was back.

"How very interesting. How very interesting indeed."

The End

(* Being In Total Control of Herself)

Author's note: I have no idea whether tigers respond to catnip the same way domestic cats do, but for the purposes of this story, this particular tiger does!

-- I tell you, the book has everything--sex, history, consciousness, and cats!