DebLei stood in front of the bulletin board, looking over the small list of currently open job positions. Like every other college student she knew, she was perpetually broke. Seeing nothing that caught her fancy, she turned to leave. The she stopped as the perfect job caught her eye.
[Employment Opportunity #4451-A-34 "Assistant Secretary to the General"
Open to: HSU Students only
Pay Rate: One key to the General's Office and two extra appointments per week, plus bi-monthly 'progress' check up's with the University President.]
"Ooooo!" she squealed. "I could do this." She pulled the advertisement off the bulletin board with a quick yank and continued to read...
[Hours: Three afternoons a week and one day during the weekend. Must be available for one all night shift, consoling the General when everything falls to pieces around his ears. (Happens at least twice a month.)]
Hmmmm... she thought... what does one wear while working the night shift with the General? Then a naughty thought hit her... she could always just wear the General. (out, that is.)
"Qualifications..." she said aloud.
[Qualifications: Completed or Concurrent enrollment in HSU's Freshman Requirement "How to be a Ho: 101"]
She'd been enrolled in that class when she first arrived on campus. But right after her tour of the campus, she bumped her head while shagging Dav- while making the bed, and had the strangest set of dreams you'd ever seen! She'd dreamt that she stole the General's motorcycle, chased down some Ewoks with it and then assaulted the General with a stick-all the while dressed as Yoda. Then she awoke to discover she'd been in a coma for several months.
Which in itself was slightly better than awaking to find out that she hadn't been dreaming and her dorm suite really did look like the Dagobah swamp. In the meantime, she'd re-enrolled in classes for the summer session, including "How to Be a Ho: 101".
[Willing to learn the intricate dance of Cat-Suit removal.]
Reading this one, DebLei giggled wildly. She'd just have to show them the video her best friend made the Halloween after the Batman movies first came out. She and three other friends decided to go as characters from the movies and she would up being Cat Woman. She almost killed Jewels when she captured the whole thing on tape! Ah, well! At least now, it might come in useful for something other than blackmail.
[Able to remember the simple dirty words that Diebin has as her passwords.]
As she read, DebLei was gradually making her way across campus. Running smack into a furry Ewok who was making a salad out of one of the flowerbeds, she fell to the ground. Picking herself up off the ground, she swore at the fuzz ball in three languages. He growled at her. She growled back-louder. The Ewok ran away.
"Stupid Ewoks," she mumbled as she read the next qualification.
[Strong ability at insulting solicitors who call the University a plus.]
She reached her dorm room just in time to catch the phone ringing off the hook.
"Hello?" she asked when she yanked the phone from the cradle.
"Good afternoon, ma'am. I'm calling from the Coruscant Credit Service. You've been pre-approved for our new Maximum Limit Credit card. All you need to do to claim your card is buy our---"
DebLei placed her hand over the mouthpiece and made a gagging noise. Then she spoke into the phone, using a rather flat and monotonous voice. "You have reached the voice mail of DebLei. Please listen closely to the following menu options. If this is important, press 1 to leave a message. If you are calling to sell something inane that I have no use for-HANG THE FRACK UP!"
The phone went dead in hand.
[Requirements: Keep ALL men out of the General's office, with the exception of Cal, the Padawannabe.]
Later that day, DebLei found herself in the lobby of the General's office. She was supposed to be rescheduling (not that she wanted to reschedule) her Appointment, but Diebin was nowhere to be found.
While she waited, the door opened and Xanatos stalked in.
"Is the office empty?" he asked her, looking past her to the door to the General's inner sanctum.
She shrugged. "I don't know."
"Can you go see if it is?" Xani inquired, his voice a literal purr. It entered her mind to go to the door and open it just a crack. But when she reached the door, she came to her senses.
"Why do you want to know?" she asked the greysider. Turning around, she suddenly found herself sandwiched between Xanatos and the door.
"I left something inside the office the last time I was there. You could... help me retrieve it," he purred suggestively.
"I don't think so, jack," DebLei retorted, placing her hands on Xani's chest and pushing backwards. "I don't know who you think you are, but even I read the memo regarding the General's office. No one... NO ONE... but the General gets inside unless said person is accompanied by the General himself. So buzz off!"
[Reroute all letters and phone calls about where the money for HSU came from before the diamond mine. Leave all Jedi Council members with the impression that they have called the wrong number.]
She was still waiting for the Secretary to return when the phone rang. Some guy claiming to be Mace Windu of the Jedi council called looking for Obi-Wan Kenobi.
As she reached to answer it, she spied a yellow posty-note on the Secretary's desk. Written in the General's handwriting, it said: Trying to avoid Jedi duties. Council demanding to know whereabouts of snot-nosed brat apprentice. Avoid at all costs.
Falling easily into her voice mail recording voice, she said "I'm sorry but the number you have reach is no longer in service. Please check the number and dial again."
The caller hung up.
[Help the General with massages and the OCCASIONAL kind word (the Presidents Office reserves the right to terminate wenches without provocation upon the slightest indication of their true nature) when he's having a bad day.]
Hmmm... DebLei sat on Die's desk, pondering this particular requirement. Say nice things to the General without sounding wenchie.
About that time, the General returned from his lunch appointment with Emmy. Noting that his secretary was not there, he paused long enough to look over the Ho perched upon Diebin's desk.
"Have we met before?" he asked, flashing her a killer smile.
"Once sir, only briefly." She replied.
The General caught sight of the job application and resume in the Grrl's hand. "Applying for the Assistant Secretary position, I see. Think you're up to it?"
The Grrl shrugged. "No problem. By the way, Mace Windu called." The General winced. "Don't worry, I diverted him. And you're next appointment is waiting in your office."
The General smiled broadly. "Thanks," he said. "I've had a really tough day and I didn't need to talk to Mace, you know." He moved towards the door to his office.
"I know..." she replied with a grin. "By the way... nice ass."
[Deal with Diebin, Caeryn, Emmy, Shana, and Darry when they are neurotic and rampaging around the Admin building.]
Well, Emmy was floating on cloud nine after her appointment with the General. Shana, Caeryn and Darry were off somewhere seeing to their respective EA's and Diebin was still MIA. It was also nearing dinner time and the General was still with his appointment. Still. The man has awesome stamina.
[Eventually, the Assistant Secretary will be responsible for scheduling ALL student appointments.]
It was getting on towards dinner and Diebin still hadn't returned to the office. DebLei sighed as she placed her job application and resume on the Secretary's desk. Then she caught sight of the day planner where she kept track of the General's appointments. Still in need of a reschedule, DebLei decided to pencil herself in got the next available time slot and left the office.
The End