"God, his yak is green, too," Emmy said, her face wrinkled with disgust.

"They're going to kill us. I'll be dead, and I'm the only one who knows how to resurrect people. Except for Darry, but this is all her fault," Dorotea whined, all curled up on the floor in the middle of the Council chamber.

"Not another word about killing the Jedi," Julia growled, her hand over Sere's mouth.

"Do you women have any idea the magni...mag...'scuse m--" Mace Windu then hurled over the side of his chair.

"Um, could we do this later?" Emmy asked, hands on her hips. "Cuz this is really grossing me out."

"Intruders, you are," Yoda said as he whacked his gimmer stick on the floor. "Punished, you will be."

"Hey," Julia said. "I watch Law and Order. I know my rights! I want an attorney!"

"Bugger that," Emmy said. "I'm calling the General." She patted around on her jumpsuit and then remembered her phone was on the floor of the closet.

"Confiscated your phone, we haaaave," Yoda said in that foreboding voice of his.

Emmy kicked Dorotea. "Gimme your phone."

"Quiet!" Mace said, having finally regained himself.

"Hmmmm," Yoda said, examining the phone. He pushed a random speed dial button.

"Oh, they are so fucking dead," Darry said, climbing out from under the doctor....not that she was concerned about the call given her current position, but because she wanted to kick the crap out of whoever was interrupting her. "WHAT?"

"Your women, we have. Punish them, we will."

Darry growled, threw the phone in the air, and fried it.

The Ho's jumped back on top of Dorotea as an arc of purple lightning crackled out of the cell phone and electrified Yoda's head. Yoda shrieked, dropping the phone on the ground and beating it with his stick. "Da man, who is he? Da man, who is he?!" Yoda screeched as he beat the phone.

Emmy, Julia, and Sere all dove for Dorotea, who had already pulled her phone out. Eight pairs of hands frantically pressed the speed dial button, and four heads all jockeyed for position to listen for him.

"The cellular customer you are dialing cannot be reached at this time."

The four Ho's whimpered.

"Kenobi here."

The Ho's turned their heads toward the sound of the voice, seeing Mace Windu holding a commlink.

"Obi-Wan," Mace said.

"Yes, Master Windu."

Sere looked at Julia.

Julia looked at Emmy.

Emmy looked at Dorotea.

"HEEEEELLLP!!!"

~*~

"They WHAT?" Laure exclaimed.

"They impersonated Republic officers, cleaning staff, medical staff, and poisoned the entire Temple while impersonating kitchen staff," the General said as he looked for his pants.

"Oh, God," Laure groaned, laying back on the bed and covering her face with her hands. "I'm really gonna kill Darry."

"They spied on the padawan shower room."

Laure laughed, despite her mood. "Can't really blame them there."

"And so they are being tried as Sith," the General said rather nonchalantly.

"WHAT?" Laure exclaimed yet again, sitting up straight in bed.

The General shrugged as he buttoned his shirt. "Oh, and they're also being charged with terrorism for bringing concealed weapons into the Temple," he said as though that sort of thing happened to his Ho's every day.

"What?" Laure asked, her face half-crazy.

"Something about a phone and purple lightning."

Laure sighed, shaking her head. "I really hate to do this."

"Do what?" the General asked.

Laure reached for the phone. "Time to pull out the big guns. We need a diversion."

~*~

Having finished washing the Mastah's hair, Dande was now combing it. She would then dry it and comb it again. Not just anyone could be a Wench. This was art.

Dande reached over for the phone as it rang. "Hello?" she said sweetly.

"Dande," Laure said. "We got trouble."

"Trouble?" Dande said somewhat excitedly, happy to be in the mayhem loop.

Qui-Gon began to get a headache again.

"Emmy, Dorotea, Sere, and Julia are being tried as Sith by the Council," Laure said.

Dande gasped. "Oh, no!"

"We need your help," Laure said. "Are you in?"

Dande looked at Qui-Gon and tried to figure out how to sugar-coat this news for him. "Of course," she said.

"Okay, here's the plan."

~*~

"Why did no one tell me he was alive?" the General asked as he marched toward the Temple with Laure close behind.

"Well.... It just never came up," Laure said.

The General stopped and turned around to face her. "He was my Master."

"Yeah," Laure said, rather non-plussed.

The General sighed and shook his head. "I can only imagine the kind of lecture I'm going to get over this." He began to walk toward the Temple door.

"No," Laure said. "I made Dande promise that he wouldn't lecture."

"Ha!" the General said as he opened the door.

~*~

"I sense a great amount of fear in you," Emmy said as she circled the interior perimeter of the Council chamber.

"What is she doing?" Julia asked Sere.

"Making sure we hang high," Sere answered.

"You can't handle - or have - women like us Women like us would NEVER try to rescue any of you," Emmy said. "So you think that by locking us up, your long necks and big warpy faces will somehow be replaced by finely angled features and a great ass."

"Do you have any idea the magnitude of your crimes?" Mace said, finally able to finish his sentence.

"Macey. Baby," Emmy said. "You know you are welcome to visit us and shake your groovethang anytime. Why this petty jealously? Obi is da bomb. You all know that. Somehow, you've always known it."

"She does realize that she's not helping, right?" Dorotea said.

Suddenly the Council doors opened and the General came striding through, with Laure jumping back out into the hallway when the stench hit her.

"Finally," the four suspect Ho's responded.

"Obi-Wan," Yoda said. "Grave danger I sense with these women."

The General sighed. And then he bowed. Sort of. "Master Yoda. I know these women."

"Sith, they are. Seen it, I have."

"Sith?" Dorotea said. "Everybody knows that Darry is the Sith."

"What?" the General said.

"Darry is NOT a Sith," Emmy said, glaring at Dorotea. "She just sleeps--" Emmy saw the General giving her the unhappy eye. "She just sleeps a lot. She may be lazy, but she's no Sith."

"We have evidence of your collusion with the Sith, a recording of a conversation with Xanatos, in fact," Mace said.

Emmy kicked Dorotea.

"This is outrageous," the General said. "My girls would not associate themselves with Xanatos. They are completely loyal to me, and I resent your stating otherwise. If the Council is determined to go through with these proceedings, I will not stand for my girls to be insulted or maligned in this manner."

Dorotea whined.

"Maybe we should just discuss the real issue here," Laure said, finally able to bring herself into the room. "Let's talk about the Council's inability to let go and move on."

"Not another one," Ki Adi Mundi groaned.

"She has a valid point, I think."

A rather loud and collective gasp echoed through the room.

Except for the Ho's.

"Oh, great," Julia huffed. "Why not bring the chosen one along while you're at it."

"Qui-Gon," Mace said, completely stunned. "I thought you were dead."

"Gets that a lot, he does," Yoda said. "Knew he was alive, I did," he added thoughtfully, nodding his head while studying Qui-Gon.

Mace reached over and thwacked the back of Yoda's head with his thumb and middle finger.

Yoda grunted. Must have been that electric shock.

"Mastah," the General said, a little stunned himself to actually see Qui-Gon in person.

"Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said, standing in front of his former apprentice. "Wenches are never this much trouble."

The General raised an eyebrow at Qui-Gon. "That may be true. But you see, Mastah, I like trouble," he purred.

On cue for clean-up, Dande hurried over to her Mastah's side. "Mastah darling. Obi-Wan loves his Ho's. And they love him."

"Love?" Ki Adi asked. "You call this love? It is a disgrace. These women have committed serious crimes."

"Oh, like what?" Dorotea asked. "All I did was vacuum! And not very well, either!"

"Spied on showering padawans, you did," Yoda said.

Julia and Sere grinned as they each patted the cameras hidden under their clothing.

"Oh, like spying on wet, nekkid padawans is a crime," Emmy said.

"Proof we have!" Yoda exclaimed, fiddling with a tape player on his lap. He pressed a play button and a loud hiss suddenly echoed in the chamber. And then, "HOLY LIGHTSABRES, BATMAN! LOOK AT THE WANGER ON THAT BRAID!"

Sere, in true Ho fashion, suddenly lost all guilt and laughed uproariously.

"Woo! Sere!" Emmy cheered as she cackled.

"Could I get a copy of that?" Julia asked.

"Which braid was that, by the way?" Dorotea asked the Council. "If you don't mind my asking."

All five Ho's, Laure included this time, collapsed on the floor in hysterics.

Dande giggled, hiding behind her Mastah so no one would see.

Qui-Gon coughed to hide his chuckle.

The corners of the General's mouth kept quirking up as his Ho's continued to laugh themselves silly, interspersing their amusement with comments loaded with innuendo. Right there in the middle of the Jedi Council. This could be considered one of the best experiences of his life.

"You may not find this so entertaining once you are sentenced for your crimes," Mace said sternly.

Qui-Gon stepped forward, standing directly in front of Mace. "We are old friends. Tell me what this is really about."

Mace stood up, looked from side to side, and then pointed to the door. He and Qui-Gon walked out into the hallway out of listening range. Not that anyone would have heard them over the carrying-on of the Ho's.

"No real harm has been done here," Qui-Gon said. "And you can't prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Sere is responsible for making everyone sick. Witnesses could be called to attest to other cases of food poisoning, all the Council members included."

Mace looked at Qui-Gon with a curious glare. "You've been watching Law and Order, haven't you?"

"My Wench has cable," Qui-Gon said quite plainly, placing his hands on his hips.

Mace sighed. "Don't you understand? Having these women in our custody. This could be the clue we need to unravel the mystery of Kenobi."

Qui-Gon crossed his arms and huffed his displeasure. "My padawan is under suspicion?"

"Your padawan heads a university staffed and attended by women who are solely devoted to him and cater to his every whim," Mace said intently.

Qui-Gon began to laugh.

"Padawans today don't want to learn about the Sith or...or...or how to focus on the living Force. They want to know about Kenobi. They want to BE Kenobi. He's the best recruitment incentive we've ever had!"

Qui-Gon tried to breathe as he wiped the tears from his eyes. "Wait, you're recruiting Jedi?"

Mace shrugged. "We have to keep up with times, my friend. Would you have stayed at the Temple if a dot com offered you stock options and a signing bonus?"

Qui-Gon patted Mace's shoulder. "Let's wrap this up, shall we?"

Mace exhaled loudly and then nodded. "Yes, alright."

"I am taking them home with me right now," the General said as Mace and Qui-Gon re-entered the chamber.

"No! No! No!" Yoda shouted, pounding his stick on the floor again.

"Well, you asked for it then," Sere said, pulling the camera out for everyone to see.

"What is the meaning of this?" Ki Adi Mundi charged.

"You're not the only ones with interesting evidence," Julia said, pulling out her camera as well.

The Council members gasped.

The General smiled.

"Well, I think we're all done here," Ki Adi Mundi said, getting up from his chair.

"Yep."

"Mmm-hmm."

"I need a drink."

The other Council members mumbled similar sentiments as they filed out of the room.

Yoda grumbled and pouted.

"Well done," Qui-Gon said with a smile. "I have never seen the Council exit this room so fast."

"And we're exiting it even faster," Emmy said, making a beeline out of the room.

"Right behind you," Laure said.

Sere, Julia, and Dorotea, having experienced much more General deprivation than Emmy and Laure, crowded around him, taking the opportunity to Ho-handle him as they accompanied him out of the chamber.

~*~

"So you caused all that trouble for me," the General said between laughs and sips of ale as his Ho's surrounded him in their private suite on the shuttle back home.

"That should teach you to wander off to the Temple again," Emmy said.

"We promise to make up for all the stress we've caused," Julia said with a sultry smile.

The General leaned over toward Julia. "You promise?" he purred into her ear.

"Absolutely," Sere said.

The General smiled, leaned the other way and went forehead to forehead with Sere as they waggled their eyebrows together.

"Skittles?" Dorotea said, feeding him as her arm snaked around from behind.

The General playfully nipped at Dorotea's fingers and then fed Laure some shrimp.

"Fine. Just go ahead and fawn over those ungrateful Ho's," Emmy mumbled as she slouched in her chair and flipped through the Cosmo. "Forget all about my devotion. See if I care."

"Well, everything seems to be back to normal," the General said with a big grin.

Meanwhile, the passengers in coach banged furiously on the restroom door as Kymira and Quintus set a new record for the light-year-high club.

The End