TITLE: Maxed Out
AUTHOR: NurseDarry
RATING: OGNA (Oh god, not again)
DISCLAIMER: Not mine, no money, no guts, no glory, yes, we have no bananas
THANKS: Laure for the title
TIMELINE: After Back in Black
NOTES: HSU "Trial & Error" and "Grand Opening" from the Max POV

~*~

I reached down, grabbing a handful of earth, rubbing it between my fingers and inhaling the loamy scent. I may very well go into battle this night.

I tightened my armour while my warrior princess polished her blade and explained to me our next posting. I was unfamiliar with the word "bouncer", but by the end of the evening, I believe that I had experienced many aspects of such a vocation. It was one that required diligence, resourcefulness, and with this company, patience.

I had known that the world in which I found myself was more "technologically advanced" than that from whence I came. My Emmy had explained that term for me while describing the use of (and then temporarily disrupting) the lighting system being used in the mine that the legion was guarding. We were several cubits farther into the mine than the last posted guard and had been left to rely on our sense of touch alone to (eventually) find our way out.

So, I was not as surprised as I might have been to find that the room I would be guarding tonight was lit by many of these odd lanterns, and that the strangest music was emanating from its walls. I would have preferred a larger force of men, but Jael assured me that several of my men would be strategically placed in the room to forestall any ambushes.

As people arrived, Jael and I assumed proper military form, addressing those before us in crisp authoritative tones. They responded by showing us their orders, mainly written on small cards made out of a clear fibrous material. These contained a likeness of themselves as well as a code that I quickly learned indicated a date of birth. With the exception of my men, everyone we admitted into this place was required to produce such an item.

I considered for a moment that this might have been a sacred gathering. I rapidly learned it was a party. I have never liked noisy assemblies where I was expected to mingle and make small talk. Women, it seemed, were much better suited to this task, and I was grateful for a chance to observe. In my past, so many important decisions, scheming and plotting took place at such gatherings. Allegiances are tested, formed and reformed. Subtle baiting and jokes are made to ascertain one's position on anything from the health of your crop to your political aspirations. I am a soldier- a man of action, not a man of intrigue and deep contemplation, although I ponder my decisions carefully and never act rashly. Still, after observing this gathering for some time, I began to realise that little scheming, plotting or indeed even thought was occurring at all.

The hostess of this party was the pale woman in black and boots, who had defended the guilty man of the previous incident. The man himself seemed to be in charge of a machine that was responsible for the odd music. The whole "trial" seemed all but forgotten. Which was odd. My experience with women, both in this lifetime and the last, was that they never forgot a detail about any experience. Perhaps, in this case, they chose to collectively ignore it.

My second, Quintus, and a young lady of his recent fancy arrived, and with a cursory glance at her "I.D." and a handclasp from me, they were allowed to enter. Jael appraised my form and accuracy, nodding her head sagely. I imparted to her that anyone could do this job, but she assured me that it was a higher calling that had led to our appointment as guardians of this special place. I chose not to pursue the truthfulness of this statement. Aside from being a keen swordswoman and satisfying companion, Jael was a visionary, and I often felt the need to keep her grounded.

More and more people entered the room. Those of my troops not on duty had been given leave and many of them were here, listening to the strange sounds, drinking the wine and pursuing the women. I noticed Cicero had been pressed into service. That was when he wasn't pressed up against his lady, the "Nurse". I strove to remember the names of these women as they passed my line of sight, in case there was a need to recall them later, should anything happen.

Music blared from behind me, a fanfare reminiscent of my days spent in Rome. The Nurse, who'd been occasionally seen to be serving drinks, suddenly dumped a tray of them on a hapless group of women and came dashing toward us. Was she in danger? She grabbed my arm, and began pulling me into the cavern, insisting that there was a battle being waged in a room of ladies. Jael leapt into action, hand on her sword, a battle cry on her lips. The Nurse insisted it be me, but I stood my ground. Then she shoved me toward the back of the cavern with such considerable force that it left a painful tingling through my body. Jael did not follow; presumably volunteering to confront whomever was arriving. I drew my sword and strode with purpose through the door marked "Lady Undead".

Inside I found a group of women, huddled in front of a large looking glass surveying at their reflections and applying colouring to their lips. None looked violent, although their dress and hairstyles might have suggested differently. The women saw me enter and turned. Expecting squeals of fright and embarrassment, I was met with a chorus of "oohs" and "ahhs." Bidding a hasty retreat, I noticed that my Jael had allowed the unknown party entry, and that they had made their way into the cavernous depths of the room.

When I returned, I saw Haken, the Germanian gladiator among my group turning and twisting in an odd fashion across from a full set of metal clothing. He also appeared to be wearing the strangest hat. Still, my sense of current fashion was by far limited, again, something I left to the ladies to keep up with for me.

A fellow in an odd costume sat at a table and attracted my interest briefly. He appeared to be being attacked by or attached, rather, to several small tigers. The woman sitting next to him, her hand on his knee, seemed not to be overly concerned, so I resisted the urge to offer him my help in removing or destroying them.

A skinny boy dressed like the wine merchant, wearing a wig of the most unnatural colour, looked as though he was shortly to be made sick by the quantity of drink he was imbibing. I encouraged him to take his leave, but he seemed intent on bringing up the contents of his stomach. Snapping into action, I hauled him to the stairs and dumped him there, where another small tiger bounded over him and into the room. The boy groaned. I had been there once. We, all of us have. Although I hope I had not looked as ridiculous.

My Jael made to step into the room. I bade her halt and requested her identification "card", as she was not one of my men, and therefore not exempt from the rule set by the proprietress. Jael explained to me that she only wished to relieve herself. But since the room which she sought was on the other side of the threshold we currently occupied, I could not, with good conscience, allow her to enter. She produced her identification and waved it before my eyes. Doing the sum in my head, I discovered that she was under the age at which guests allowed to pass, and I held steadfast to my earlier declaration of non-admittance. She seemed irate with me; an emotion I had not seen expressed in my direction from her before. I admit now I was quite charmed, although rather worried by it.

A woman I had seen with Haken for many weeks, until her sudden disappearance not long ago, floated like a ghost down the stairs. She explained to Jael that she must have admittance, but did not require identification due to her ancestors being exempt from such things. Jael would not let her pass. The woman floated back up the stairs. Haken's headgear had not allowed him to see her approach. A pity.

I scanned the crowd for signs of trouble, my body alert. The Nurse was shouting at a table of women and large men, all looking like athletes worthy of their own games. Perhaps these women collected such men. Perhaps we were being groomed for something mightier than the Coliseum. If this were true, however, these women did not appear know about a man's thirst for victory being more strongly honed if deprived of sexual union prior to such events. Then again, maybe we weren't being groomed for anything...

I squinted into the dim light, thinking I recognised one of the men, but he turned away as the Nurse stalked off to the area where wine was being distributed. Shortly after reaching it, the merchant there dropped a container, and Jael started, but I assured her it was a domestic accident and nothing worthy of our attentions. She shrugged off my arm and pounded up the stairs in order to relieve herself elsewhere. I stood doubly alert.

I strengthened my awareness to make up for this lack of personnel and found myself approached by the floating woman and a serene bearded man, perhaps a head taller than me and wearing flowing robes. As I was about to question them for their identity papers, a woman in deep purple, the Mediator, I believe, whom I had not seen enter the room, leapt to my side. She wore a panicked expression and explained to me that there was once again, a battle raging in the ladies' room. I was incredulous. There had been no battle previously, just ladies, as the name of the room implied, however inaccurate the placard on the door might have been.

I protested. What could I do if I were presented with the same scene again? The women in that room had had no care to fighting one another. I was concerned for my clothing and my pledge to my two women, should I have to re-enter. Surely, the occupants' desire was not for a bouncer, but for the attentions of a man of quite another profession. Yet, I was instructed to break up the fight.

I entered with as little trepidation as I could. Throw me in the arena with wild animals or savages, and my footing was sure. Throw me to the ladies and my step faltered, my demeanour changed. I was clearly out of my element. Lucilla had learned this. Selene had learned this. My two women of this life seemed to have known this since before I even arrived. Once again in the room of the "undead ladies," I heard giggling, saw eyes twinkling, felt my backside pinched, but did not witness a single action that could be construed as hostile. I was beginning to become suspicious. Jael had surely returned to her post in my absence, hadn't she?

More people were standing and waving. Some of them had risen to dance to the music, but many others were walking to where the two merchants providing the wine were ensconced. It seemed the servers had disappeared. Again.

I saw the floating woman whom Jael had previously not allowed into the cavern, take a seat far into the room with a group I could not see. As she had been a guest of the Mediator's, I did not feel compelled to follow.

Juba waved to me, and his smile lit the room, as his lady welcomed my Emmy to their table. I was duty-bound not to leave my station unless to break up a fight, so I remained stoically in place, although I was concerned for her welfare. The rogue with the long hair approached my Emmy, presumably to apologise. She smiled at him as he kissed her hand. Perhaps their prior differences were resolved.

I watched the men and women drinking heartily and dancing, though it was far too dark and smoky to make out faces. I saw glimpses of colour, or rather, black and purple.

The skinny, strangely dressed boy was unconscious on the stairs. The tigers seemed to have settled at the Mediator's table. The wine merchants were opening more of their wares.

Cicero and his lady once again resumed roaming through the tangle of tables, though never losing eye contact with one another.

I looked at my lady Jael, and saw her standing at attention as always, on the lookout for no good. She glanced briefly at me, and I winked. She tried hard not to smile and then winked back, taking a step closer. I may not be an adept at this game, but I do know how to play it.

END