Title: Grand Opening
Authors: D&D Show (with a bit of Mediator thrown in)
Rating: PA (pretty awful)
Timeline: After Oops, before BinB
Notes: Not our best work; it is Friday, after all
Disclaimer: GL and RS, you both have far too much money already.

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Dorotea situated the huge stone gargoyle in a corner of the crypt, soon to be Goth club.

"How's that?" She asked her EAs as she placed the bowl of Skittles on the gargoyle's back. No answer. She frowned and stomped over to one of the new coffins and hit it with a large, Celtic cross candlestick. "It's dusk, you can come out! No fear of the sun touching your delicate skin and GASP, giving you a hint of color!"

The coffin creaked open and Xani sat up, arching his brow at the Librarian. "No sarcasm before I've had a drink, please. And don't mar the finish," he said, climbing out of the coffin and lovingly caressing the smooth cherry wood.

The Librarian shook her head, wondering if Darry had her EA alarms on, a nice visit with a psychotic emperor might be stress relieving. A man that didn't sleep in a coffin would be good about right now. "Go set up the sound system; you're in charge of the music," she snapped at Xani, wondering if Emmy would go to Office Max and pick up a servant for her- she could use one. Nah, Emmy would just try to pawn the Moose off on her.

Xani pulled the Librarian into his arms, scattering kisses over her face and neck. "You seem tense, Princess, I can help with that," he purred.

 "Yes," Dorotea snapped, pushing him toward the music, "by getting the music together!" Xani nodded, deciding to set up the music first, then pounce on the Librarian later.

Dorotea peered into the coffin at the still sleeping LP. She pulled his ponytail, dislodging his deep purple velvet scrunchie. He woke with a start.

"My hair," he protested.

"I'll fix it later, you need to set up the bar," Dorotea said, more gently than she had talked to Xani. If that didn't work she'd get out the rope and swing it in front of him. LP got up, smoothing his velvet jacket and fussing with the ruffles on his sleeves so they flounced properly. He arched a brow at the Librarian. "This seems like work to me," he said as Dorotea redid his ponytail.

The Librarian rolled her eyes. "Not work," she said in her most soothing voice, her 'hive' voice, "Entertaining. We're having guests over, you just have to be a good host, it's like a party."

Suddenly a very loud screeching noise blared through the Bose speakers strategically placed through out the crypt. LP and Dorotea jumped, covering their ears as the insufferable noise continued. When it finally stopped, Xani said, "Oops."

LP recovered quickly, turning to the Librarian. "I'm not sure if I enjoy this music," he mused as he brushed Dorotea's hair, fixing it with a black scrunchie. "And I'm not serving anyone. I'll pour wine as a good host."

"Damn! We need waitstaff!" Dorotea screamed, starting up the steps to search for Darry. This club had been her idea too. She'd have to help. She and her 'doctor'.

On her way up, Dorotea ran into Kendra, knocking her down. "Kendra, I'm glad I ran into you," Dorotea said, putting on her, 'you're-my-best-friend-in-the-whole-world' smile that Xani had taught her.

Kendra stood up. "Yes?" she asked warily, recognizing the look. Why had she decided to investigate that horrible noise, she should have known better. It wasn't like strange noises coming from the Library was unusual.

"You're Judy's apprentice, right?"

 "Yes."

"Good, go help LP set up the bar." Before Kendra could answer, Dorotea was gone.

~*~

Knock, knock, knock. "Darry, get down here; I need you! It's an emergency."

"The Librarian is shouting through the door in the back of the clinic," Cicero, dressed in scrubs, said as he limped up the stairs to the Nurse's room.

Darry was inspecting herself in the full-length mirror. She had on her little black CK dress and was just deciding which pair of outrageously expensive shoes to wear. "Tell her to bugger off," Darry muttered under her breath. She looked up at her servant. "You better get changed; you can't wear scrubs to a Goth club."

"What shall I wear?"

Darry pondered this for a moment. Must go shopping, she reminded herself, wondering what she'd done with the Senator's gold card. "Well, considering you have two outfits, I think the tunic and leggings would work." Cicero pulled off the top half of the scrubs.

"DARRY!" the Librarian wailed, her voice getting closer.

"IN A MINUTE!" Darry yelled back, not taking her eyes off Cic. "Could you just zip this dress up, please?" She turned as he walked over to her.

"What do mean?" he asked, looking at the odd fastening on back of the dress. He fiddled with it for a minute then, exasperated, reached for the straps at her shoulders and pulled them down, peeling the dress off her.

The door to the bedroom door almost flew off its hinges as Dorotea pounded on it.

"Uh, I meant for you to actually do up the dress, not take it off," Darry said turning to face him and picking up the phone.

Cicero lunged at her.

"DARRY! AAAARRRGGGHH!" Dorotea yelled as an insipidly happy mouse went careening toward her. She ducked and the mouse hit the wall. "Well, when you're done, I need to see you in the club right away," Dorotea huffed and walked back down the stairs.

"It's a small woolldd, afterrrrrr alllnngzzzz," Mickey sang half-heartedly, before emitting a very un-Disneylike death rattle.

~*~

Max turned to Jael. "I am to stand at the entrance and examine Identification Cards?"

"Yes, make sure they are the proper age. And if anyone gets too drunk and unruly or causes trouble, throw them out."

Max nodded. He had a feeling he was going to be busy, considering the trouble these women got into when they were sober. "Should we carry our swords, cara?"

"Of course. A display of force will be a good warning to any potential troublemakers."

Max wondered to himself if he should bring the entire army.

~*~

"Okay, what's this emergency," Darry asked, tapping her foot, standing in the CK, which was zipped up now.

Dorotea walked around Darry and Cic, surveying their outfits. "Yes, that should work. Although he really should be in black."

"What should work?" Darry asked irritably.

"You're clothes. I need a couple of waiters."

"Huh?"

"Waiters, you know, people to hand out drinks? C'mon, he should know how to do that." Dorotea said. "And you can pretend you're distributing hemlock."

"Are you deranged?" Darry asked. "Why on earth would I want to play waitress all night?"

Cicero stood silently looking at the room and its odd furnishings. LP preened himself in the mirror behind the bar.

"Number one, this place was your idea."

"I didn't tell you to turn it into a club!" Darry exclaimed.

"Number two, it's just wine. We're not mixing drinks or anything. Or rather, LP isn't."

"No."

"Number three, Xani will fix Cic's foot."

"No-...well," Darry considered this for a moment. Having Cic back in complete working order would facilitate certain activities.

"I do beg your pardon," Xani said smoothly, walking out from the DJ stand. "Why should I?"

"'Cause I said so," Dorotea growled. "And because of that." She pointed to the wall above the bar. Suspended from a chain was a piece of what looked like the engine of a motorcycle. "I expect you'll be wanting that back at some point."

"Uh..." Xani looked disdainfully at the engine part, attempting to move it using the Force. The chain was nailed into the wall. "Damn. I shouldn't do it just to spite you both," the Greysider said, sulking.

Darry walked over to Xani and pressed her cheek to his, whispering something into his ear. His eyes widened slightly.

"Oh, all right," he conceded, snapping his fingers.

"Cic, how's your foot?" Darry asked, as Xani shuffled back to the DJ booth. The servant shifted his weight.

"It is better. How can this be?"

"Great," said Dorotea. "Everybody's happy now."

There was collective grumble.

~*~

Up in her room, Emmy groused.

"Nice of you to come, Dande, but I'm a big girl. I'll get over it."

Dande inspected her perfectly sculpted nails. "I just thought you could use a little moral support. And my Master wanted to have a word with his padawan."

"Ex-padawan," Emmy reminded the Wench. "Why?"

"Something to do with the Council's feelings about his current role here. Apparently you all made quite an impression on them."

Emmy smiled. Good.

"Why is it so quiet around here tonight?" Dande asked.

Emmy's smile faded. "No reason."

"Really?" I'm sure I hear music."

"Probably just that chorus of angels that seems to follow you around," Emmy muttered while Dande cocked her head to the side.

"No, I distinctly hear some kind of sound. Perhaps someone is strangling a small animal?"

"That's probably true," Emmy said. Dande stood to go.

"I will discover what's going on. You rest here, and relax. You've had an ordeal and one must never be seen to recover too quickly."

Dande floated from the room. Emmy sat in a petulant near-silence.

~*~

Quintus motioned at the waiter. The waiter started over to the table until he saw the woman sitting next to Quintus. Then he turned and walked off into the crowd.

"The service here is terrible," Kymira sighed, cutting off anything Quintus might have said about why the waiter refused to serve her. She saw Darry walking around, tray in hand and motioned her over.

"WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE?" Darry shouted over Souixie Souix.

"Why, what have you got?" Quintus asked.

Darry backhanded him with her tray.

~*~

The sounds of trumpets blaring 'tarantara' came from the entrance to the club and Xani turned down the stereo, frowning at the three people approaching the doorway.

Immediately seeing a problem, Darry dumped her tray on the nearest table, sloshing drinks all over a couple of freshmen Ho's, and grabbed Max's arm, ignoring Jael's growl.

"There's a fight in the ladies' room."

"I'll go," Jael said, reaching for her sword.

"No, no, Max, you take care of it," Darry said, shoving the Other General towards the back of the club. Quite accustomed to the oddness of Ho's, he shrugged and headed for the restrooms.

Into the room stepped an imposing trio.

The RB looked exquisite in his black leather armor and laurel wreath sitting on his wavy hair, Laure, in gorgeous purple lace on one arm and Shana in sleek black on his other arm, glass of grape juice in one hand, pixie stick in the other, as they strode into the club. He gave the room an imperious once over, then nodded over his shoulder to Cal to turn off the tape.

As soon as the blaring of horns died away, the music in the Club came back on and people resumed mingling.

"There should be flowers," the RB said with a pout.

Laure stroked one arm, Shana the other, as they both rolled their eyes at each other.

"No one understands your majesty, dear," Laure soothed.

"The only roses we have are on my rose bushes and no one's touching them," Shana muttered.

"I.D. please," Jael asked crisply, stepping in front of them to impede their progress towards the bar.

~*~

The music was blaring, the candles were burning, the wine was flowing and the Moose was dancing with a suit of armor -- an empty suit of armor, having been turned down by every Ho.

Mr. Vocab was standing on a table, flailing about, trying to escape from the tiger cubs that had followed the RB in. Tasha sat at the table drinking her Merlot, petting the cubs as they tried to climb up on her lap to get to her horned friend.

The black-clad Librarian, with her usual death pallor highlighted with purple eyeliner and lipstick (applied with care by LP) made her way through the crowd to the DJ, Xani. She pulled his long braid to get his attention. "Xani, do you feel something strange? I feel something...elusive."

~*~

"I wonder where all my girls are?" The General mused as he walked across campus with the Crispy Old Mostly Dead Guy. "They must be preparing for the fall semester already. They're such devoted students. Always eager to learn." Qui-Gon arched a brow. He didn't want to shatter Obi-Wan's illusions, but he was quite sure wherever those Ho's were, they were up to no good. He was glad he had his Wench. Poor Obi only had those disobedient, disrespectful, full-of-attitude Ho's.

~*~

The music was quite loud and Xani couldn't quite make out what the Librarian was saying, but decided she must want sex. He checked to see how long the song was that was playing and then lunged at her.

~*~

Cal, dressed as Lestat, made his way to bar. LP looked at the boy, then burst out laughing. Cal was dressed in lavender velvet that hung loosely on him and a puffy white shirt with sleeves that covered his hands. A blonde wig of long hair was sliding off his head. He held a glass of Merlot. Laure had just turned him down, saying she couldn't dance with him, her shoes were too tight, but there she was dancing with the RB, a smile spread across her face.

"I need something stronger," Cal whined to LP. LP arched a brow, smirking at how truly ridiculous the boy looked and refilled the poseur's glass with wine. Cal took a drink and started to wretch, having reached his limit with the couple of sips of Merlot he had already had. LP raised his arm, getting Max's attention. Max dragged Cal out of the club.

"No, vomiting allowed on the premises," the Other General roared. "Take your leave now." Cal tried to crawl up the steps, but was knocked down by a tiger cub scampering down the steps in search of Mr. Vocab. He let his head rest on the cold steps for a moment, wondering how this could get worse.

Then he felt the point of a sword on his backside. "Take your leave now." Cal scampered up the steps quickly. Max walked back down the steps to stand beside Jael. Jael turned to him, "I need to go to the little warriors' room," she said as started into the club. She was stopped by a strong hand on her chest-plate.

"May I see your identification card?"

"You don't need to see my identification. I just want to use the bathroom!"

"Identification card." Jael pulled out her driver's license and waved it in front of Max's face and then tried to swerve around him. Max moved quickly to block her. "Sorry, cara, but you are not of age; you may not enter." Jael sighed. Why did she have to go for men with integrity?

~*~

Emmy paced around her room. Damned if she'd be seen in some Goth club. She hated Goth. She hated all that new-wave vampire crap everyone seemed to get into in the '80s. But, she reminded herself, she did look good in black. Deviousness, which heretofore had moved to the back of her mind during all of the appointment book nonsense, reasserted itself firmly in the forefront of Emmy's brain.

~*~

Dande wafted down the steps to the club. She was met by Jael who demanded to see her I.D.

"Silly girl," Dande's laughter tinkled. "I don't need any. I am a Wench, like my mother before me."

"Look, Dande, I don't care if you're the reincarnated spirit of Billie Burke, and believe me, sometimes I think you are, but without proof of age, no one gets in here."

Dande kept the smile plastered on her face as she stood trying to look over Jael into the smoky depths of the club. Finally realising that the ethereal music that normally accompanied her everywhere was badly clashing with Ministry, she turned and began to ascend the stairs.

Which is too bad, because had she stayed a few moments longer, she would have seen Haken attempting to put a lampshade onto his muscular head.

~*~

Dorotea fixed her long black skirt as Xani rushed back to cue up the next song. Well, that hadn't answered her question, but it had been nice. She grabbed a bag of Skittles off the bar as she walked under Max's arm, as he still blocked the door, not letting Jael enter. As Dorotea made her way out of the Open Air Library, wondering if she should actually fill out that two-foot stack of paperwork that was required to have new walls put up, she saw them-

The General and the Crispy Old Mostly Dead Guy.

"The hive, I should have known that's what it was. No wonder I had the urge to feed Xani Skittles while we were boinking." Dorotea began following them. She imagined that the General had appointments lined up for the entire night and Qui-Gon wouldn't even set of an EA alarm. A smile spread across her face. No one would ever have to know and she could have an Alpha man for one night. One night was all she could take, so it was perfect.

~*~

"And this is my office." The General opened the door to show Qui-Gon how lavishly appointed his rooms were, but then slammed it shut before Qui-Gon could look in. "And that concludes the tour."

"Pad- Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said, I sense you are busy. We can continue this later. "Dande?" Dande drifted over to the Hippie. Shall we relax for a time before we leave for Coruscant?"

"Whatever you think is best, Qui-Gon, my love." Dande's lashes fluttered.

The General ignored the rest of the somewhat insipid dialogue and entered his office. A throaty feminine laugh greeted him. "Good evening JenJen," he said as he stalked over to the Ho, who had draped herself across his desk.

~*~

"ALL WE HAVE IS WINE!" Darry yelled at DebLei, Ellie, Kendra, Caeryn and most of North America's finer hockey players.

"What if we don't like wine," Syd asked.

"Then I guess you don't get anything," Darry said, turning to go.

"Wait a minute!" Caeryn shouted. "We'll have a bottle of red and a bottle of white."

"You want glasses?" Darry asked.

"Huh?" John looked at her funny. "Of course we do!"

"I was just kidding, you dumb cop." Darry spat, and walked back into the crowd.

"The service seems a little irritated tonight." DebLei said.

"No more than usual," Kendra observed.

~*~

Wearing her most flattering black dress and a highly polished tiara, Emmy stuck to the shadows as she made her way down toward the club.

~*~

Darry stood at the bar waiting for LP to pour more wine for her. Judy had been pressed into service to help, as the nuances of the modern corkscrew seemed to have eluded him. When it was quiet, the two bartenders discussed the merits of hair scrunchies vs. old-fashioned ribbons.

"I am curious," the aristocrat said to the Nurse. "What did you say to Xanatos in order to get him to do your bidding?"

"Huh?" Darry turned toward him, puffing on a cigarette she stole from someone else's EA. "Oh, I told him if he cooperated I'd perform the most exquisite oral sex on him." LP's hold on the bottle faltered slightly. "And I also said that if he didn't, I'd purple lightning his balls off."

The bottle crashed to the floor.

~*~

Jael decided that a few underage drinkers or a brawl was not worth the discomfort she felt and she raced up the stairs toward the admin hallway.

Just then, Qui-Gon and Dande walked toward the entrance to the club. Laure looked up and saw them and then glanced at the DJ.

"Shit," she muttered under her breath. She jumped up and walked over to Max. "There's a fight in the ladies' room!"

"What, again?"

"Yes. Girl stuff, you know."

"I am just the bouncer. What possible good could I do?"

"Go break it up, you dumb soldier." He strode off, looking gruff. "Oy," Laure breathed and stopped Qui-Gon and Dande at the door.

"Qui-Gon, good to see you. I believe you're needed upstairs. Your pilot said there was something wrong with the hyperdrive on your ship."

"How do you know that, Laure?" Dande asked.

"Shut up, please," Laure said in her sweetest voice, teeth clenched, a smile on her lips.

"I must go see what impedes our departure, Little One. Will you be all right here while I'm away?"

"She'll be fine," Laure said, yanking the Wench into the club.

Qui-Gon turned and mounted the stairs, not noticing the shadow, which lurked there. Laure led Dande into the club and sat her down at the table she was sharing with Shana and the RB. She motioned to Xani, who came over.

"Dance music, please."

"No problem, my beautiful mediator," he leered and made his way over to the DJ booth.

"What would you like to drink? Wine or wine?" Laure asked.

"Oh, just the coolest of ice water for me, please. Remember my condition."

"Oh yeah, your condition," Laure looked away and rolled her eyes. She vainly tried to get the attention of either waitperson.

"Oh my," Dande said, following her gaze. "Should the bar staff really be behaving that way in front of customers?"

~*~

"Hello, Master Jinn..." Dorotea crooned as Qui-Gon reached the top of the stairs.

~*~

Finding no one at the door, Emmy, looking like a cross between Morticia Addams and Coco Chanel, slunk to the entrance and peeked her head into the club.

The horrible Echo and the Bunnymen song that she hated so much came to an end and the DJ spun some ABC. That was until one of Darry's shoes went flying toward his head and the record was quickly changed to Modern English.

Emmy perked up a bit. This wasn't so bad. She was getting so into the groove that she failed to notice that she'd been spotted.

"You danzen wit me," a tall man wearing a lampshade on his head said to her. He took her hand and began leading her to the dance floor.

"No!" Emmy hissed. "Nein, nyet, never, uh-uh, oh fuck, what language do you speak anyway?!"

Brenda came to her rescue. "Haken, your Wench is here," she said pointing. Haken turned his head quickly and the lampshade spun around stupidly. He dropped Emmy's hand and made for Dande's table. Brenda led Emmy to the table she was sharing with Juba and Lynne, Sere and Julia.

"Have a glass of wine," Juba said, pouring Emmy some.

~*~

Ellie walked up to the bar and cleared her throat, trying to get LP's attention. He was standing with his back to the bar, looking into the stock room and didn't notice her for a moment.

"Yes?" Gads, it was one of the commoners.

"We'd like another bottle of wine. Our waitress seems to have disappeared."

"Of course," LP said, fetching one.

Cicero walked out of the stock room, straightening his tunic. He picked up his tray and strode back out to the tables.

LP opened the bottle for Ellie and handed it to her. Darry walked out of the stockroom and glanced at Ellie. "I need a new phone," she said and grabbed her tray.

~*~

Xani switched to Book of Love, then oozed over to Emmy's table. "How about a dance, Princess?"

She smiled sweetly at him. "How 'bout a black eye, Greysider?"

"Ooh, I'll get back to you on that," he smiled and kissed her hand then dashed back to the DJ booth.

~*~

Jael had returned from the bathroom and Max had returned from the phantom girl-fight. They stood at the door, affecting an air of subtle force. Or would have, if they stopped winking at each other.

Mr Vocab had succeeded in ridding himself of tiger cubs, who were all now sitting with Shana, Laure, the RB, and Dande. Although, he had managed to pick up twenty bucks from various Ho's who'd enjoyed his table dance.

Ellie was sitting at her table, ranting. Syd was saying nice soothing things to her. Haken, Dande, John, Caeryn, Kendra and Mo were out dancing. DebLei was watching Sere and Julia chatting with the other Ho's, undoubtedly in order to write up the review of the place for the Tattler. Judy and LP were opening wine. Darry and Cic were serving it.

Cal was passed out on the stairs.

No one had seen the proprietress in ages.

Upstairs, the General and JenJen set some sort of record for a Pink Banana purchase warranty.

And all was well in the world.

END.