"And who are you?" the kitchen commander asked.

"Uh, new hire," Sere said, pushing the floppy hat out of her eyes again. If the General were going to turn up anywhere, it'd be in the cafeteria. While the other Ho's thought kitchen duty beneath them, Sere knew that the first to spot the General would be the first to boff the General.

"Well, don't just stand there and smile. Start cooking! Dinner is in two hours!"

Sere nodded, hat flopping into her face again. She grabbed a knife and started chopping mushrooms.

~*~

"Excuse me."

Dorotea tried to make sense of the data pad that contained the directory of all the Temple rooms and their occupants.

"Excuse me."

Dorotea's eyes shifted from side to side. Then she finally looked up.

"The faculty lounge has not been cleaned for three days," said the woman standing in front of her.

"Huh?"

"You are in the education wing, so I assume you are assigned to clean it," the woman said in typical Jedi Master fashion.

"Uh….sure……"

"Then please see to it that the lounge is at the top of your list."

"Okay, I'll get right on it," Dorotea said, walking away from the woman as quickly as she could.

"It's *that* way," the picky Jedi bitch said, pointing in the opposite direction.

Dorotea turned around. "Of course, I'll--" and just then her cell phone rang. Instinctively, Dorotea turned on the dust buster to cover the noise of the phone and began waving it around until her brain kicked in and told her to crouch down and clean a spot on the floor. She looked up at the Jedi Nazi and nodded, putting on a fake smile.

The mean Jedi lady finally turned around and walked away.

Still kneeling, Dorotea switched off the dust buster. Her phone was still ringing. She reached down to her hip. And then she realized that her overalls were covering her phone holster.

Taking quick glances up and down the hall, she unzipped the janitorial coveralls….but then the zipper caught. So she snaked her left arm down into the coveralls, lifting her right knee slightly off the floor in the hopes of bringing the phone into her grasp.

And then three *really* fine looking padawans appeared from around a corner.

Dorotea immediately switched on the dust buster again while balancing between her left knee and right foot, her hand seemingly down her pants. She smiled her best Ho smile as the padawans eyed her curiously.

Finally reaching her phone, she crouched down lower to allow the dust buster to muffle her words. "Hello?"

"Hello! Hello! What the frack?"

"Darry?"

"I can barely hear you! Where the hell are you?"

"In the Temple."

The three padawans shook their head at the bizarre woman talking to her dust buster and turned around and walked away. It was so hard to find good help these days among the commoners.

"Don't even try it," Darry threatened. "You are maxed out on your EA's as it is."

Seeing that the hall was now empty, Dorotea turned off the dust buster. "Don't start with me. It's your fault that I'm here in the first place."

"How is it my fault?"

"It just is," Dorotea said, standing up and zipping up her coveralls. "What do you want anyway? I'm trying to find the General."

"Oh," Darry said, slightly short of breath. "Xani wants to talk to you."

"Hello, Princess."

"Xani," Dorotea said. "Listen, I--"

"Here," Darry's said again, "somebody else wants to say hi."

"Wait, what happened to Xani?"

"Hello, Pet. I am anxious for your return."

"Awww, L.P., that's sweet," Dorotea gushed. "But I'm a little busy wi-- Wait a minute! Darry! What are you doing with them? Darry!"

Dorotea heard the echo of a cackle and then the line went dead.

"Darry!" she yelled again into the phone. "Dammit," she muttered, shoving her phone back into her coveralls. "Right. Okay. General, General, General," she chanted under her breath as she wandered down the hall.

~*~

Emmy swaggered, arms slightly arched at her sides. This was going to be too easy. As a security officer, it'd be a cinch to find the General.

Of course, it would be even easier if she could actually find the residential floors.

She stopped in front of a large kiosk in the center of the hallway that featured a map of the floor.

"Perfect," she said, her eyes scanning the map for the You are Here dot.

"Lost?"

Emmy turned to find some exquisite Jedi meat standing behind her. She arched her eyebrow and parted her lips slightly in a perfectly subtle Ho smirk.

And then she remembered that she was posing as a security guard.

She dropped her face to a more somber expression. "This map is not in compliance with the security code."

"Oh, really?" the young man asked with his own smirk.

"Yes," Emmy said. "Section 2468 dash 321 states that all emergency exits must be clearly marked in the universal emergency color."

"That's funny, I've never heard of the universal emergency color."

Emmy stepped forward. He was only padawan after all. Easy work for a Ho. "Do you think this is funny, boy?" she asked in a serious, challenging tone.

"Uh…."

"If an emergency evacuation were required, this map would not provide the information necessary to save lives, boy. You think that's funny?" Emmy turned her Ho look of death on him.

"Of course not."

"Is there some sort of trouble here?"

"Shit," Emmy said under her breath as the padawan turned to the older man approaching.

"Master," the padawan said.

Emmy grumbled very quietly and very briefly. Then she took a breath. "No trouble here. Thank you for your assistance, padawan." Emmy turned on her heel.

"I don't recall seeing you here before," the Master said.

Damn these Jedi, Emmy thought as she turned back around to face him. "We're doing a security sweep of the building in preparation for the Chancellor's visit to the Council."

"I wasn't informed of this."

"And that's the way we like to keep it," Emmy said. "The Chancellor's security demands that my inspection remain confidential."

The Master's brow furrowed as he examined Emmy.

Emmy, quite used to the silly mind whammy business, stood confident in her immunity to it.

Foiled, the Master stepped forward. "What is your name?"

Emmy stood for a moment with her mouth slightly open. "Emmalira Amidalialena. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have much work to do." She turned around again, slightly tensed in hopes that she wouldn't be interrupted this time.

"What about the map?" the padawan asked.

Emmy turned quickly. "Fluorescent fuschia. Get on it, padawan."

"Yes, ma'am," the padawan said.

The Master crossed his arms. "Fuschia?"

~*~

Julia typed every search inquiry she could think of into the computer in the Temple clinic, looking now and again toward the doorway to make sure that no one would find her.

"Kenobi?"

Julia jumped out of her skin, knocking a cup of pens off the desk as she turned around.

The woman behind her smiled. "You must be my new medic from Alderaan."

Julia smiled. How convenient. "Yes."

"Why are you searching for Obi-Wan?" the woman asked.

"Um…. Got a call. He needed……aspirin."

The healer laughed. "Aspirin? He should know we don't carry anything that primitive." She stepped up next to Julia and typed something on the keyboard. "He's probably simply listed in the guest directory and not in the resident directory. He has been shacking up with a harem elsewhere, after all."

Julia choked on her own breath. "Really?"

"Yes, it's quite the talk around here. All the men are green with envy and all the women are deeply offended at the salaciousness of it all. Of course, that's randy Kenobi for you," she said in a not so subtle tone.

Julia crossed her arms. "Sounds like the women are green as well."

"Excuse me?" the healer said, turning to Julia.

Just then the clinic doors flew open, gurneys being wheeled in one after the other.

"Shuttle crash! Four in all! More victims are on the way," a voice called out.

"Let's go," the healer said.

Julia gulped.

~*~

Sere stood on a stepladder and stirred a wooden spoon the size of a shovel in a pot the size of a Buick. So this was why the General adored the food in the HSU cafeteria. Sere tried not to look at the "stew" as she stirred it.

She stopped for a moment and wiped her brow, turned her head away, took a deep breath, and proceeded to stir again. Pigs ate better slop than this.

As she leaned forward at the outer edge of her stir, her foot suddenly slipped from the ladder. Madly scrambling for balance, Sere reached forward and grabbed onto the shelf on the wall. She breathed a sigh of relief as the shelf broke her fall.

And then she gasped in horror as an open box of dishwasher detergent toppled off the shelf and plummeted into the stew below.

"Oh, crap!"

Regaining her footing, Sere grabbed the giant spoon and tried to fish around for the box. And then as she leaned forward, her chef hat slid off her head and into the pot as well.

As the stew bubbled and the hat sunk beneath the surface, Sere looked around to see if anyone had been watching. Finding no one observing her, she jumped off the ladder and ran out of the kitchen.

~*~

"Hey, would you mind cleaning up the men's room? I don't think anyone has cleaned it for a while?"

"And the planetarium ceiling needs to be dusted. I can't make out Corellia from Naboo!"

Dorotea kept marching down the hall as she dropped her head into her hands and whined.

~*~

"Yep, the alarms work," Emmy said nonchalantly as she calmly closed the emergency exit door while many Jedi began to gather around here due to the blaring siren in the hallway. "But the access is far too easy," she said in a commanding tone. "Somebody get on that! This place is a free for all! How can you people expect the Chancellor to be safe here?" She demanded of the mass of Jedi, all armed with sabres. Then she coolly walked away as they all looked at each other.

~*~

"I need some compression here!" the healer yelled at Julia.

Julia jumped to healer's side. The healer released the injured man's neck and then a blood geyser spewed all over Julia.

Julia passed out cold.

~*~

Laure stepped out of her cab and smiled at the Jedi Temple that loomed before her. She gathered her skirt in her hands as she stepped up to the main promenade. She had decided to leave Kymira and Quintus in the Four Seasons penthouse in case anyone called or returned, not to mention the fact that a groping Ho and Praetorian were more of a liability than an asset in her search for the General.

Laure walked through the front door of the Temple and proceeded to the front desk.

"Can I help you?"

"Yes," Laure smiled. "Is Obi-Wan Kenobi here?"

The receptionist quickly checked her computer. "Yes, he is. I'll give him a call for you. Your name?"

"Laure."

The receptionist pressed the earpiece of her headset closer to her ear as she awaited an answer. "Ah, Master Kenobi."

Laure smiled. Now there was an interesting title.

"There is a woman named Laure here to see you. May I have someone escort her up. Very well." The receptionist turned to Laure. "If you'll wait here, I'll have someone show you up to his room."

Laure smiled. "Perfect. Thank you very much."

~*~

"It's just a little dust buster!" Dorotea yelled as she waved it around.

"I don't care if you have to use a suction tube, I have a presentation in this auditorium in thirty minutes, and it needs to be cleaned." A flourish of brown robes was all that was left of the crotchety old Jedi.

"I thought Jedi were supposed to be nice," Dorotea snapped, kicking one of the chairs. "This is all Darry's fault! If she hadn't……hadn't……done…stuff, then everything would be fine!"

Suddenly the auditorium door opened and yet another Jedi with a list entered. "When you're done in here, the garbage cans in the--"

"IT'S JUST A LITTLE DUST BUSTER!"

~*~

Sere hid in a janitor's closet behind two brooms and a mop, wrestling with the weight of probably having single-handedly killed the entire Jedi population with a box of Cascade.

"Forget the Sith. You have Sere!" she lamented.

~*~

Emmy walked aimlessly down the halls. Still no sign of the General, although checking the men's locker room for explosives hadn't been too much of a chore.

The whimper at the other end of the hall caught her attention. Emmy squinted and saw Dorotea being escorted by two non-human Jedi.

"Bastards," Emmy said. No Ho would want to play her way out of that. Emmy took several swaggers forward. "What is going here?"

The Jedi looked Emmy up and down.

"Senate security," Emmy said. "What is the meaning of this?"

"This woman is being detained. She is threatening people with cleaning appliances."

"I'll have you know that this woman is a security drill!" Emmy charged. "You have done your jobs well. I am confident that the Chancellor will be quite safe during his visit to the Council. You will release her at once."

The two Jedi looked at each other.

"Or shall I report back to the Chancellor that you are detaining one of my officers?" Emmy said, crossing her arms.

"We will take her to the detention center and then you may handle it from there," one of the Jedi said.

"Do you have any idea who this woman is?" Emmy said.

The Jedi looked at Emmy with blank expressions.

Emmy reached into her pocket and removed her phone. She then hit # 2.

"The Clinic is closed!" Darry yelled upon answering.

"Yes, this is Colonel Amidalialena. Please put me through to the Chancellor immediately."

"What the fu--"

"Chancellor Palpatine. Colonel Amidalialena here. We are having some trouble with…."

"Emmy?? What the hell is wrong wi--"

"….Captain Doreenialla's undercover operations here at the Temple."

"Would you two just get the frackin' General and get back here for God's sake!"

Emmy remained unshaken. "Sir, the Jedi are detaining her. I have tried to explain that she is part of the security preparations, but….."

"Okay, that's it," Darry said. "I'm sending you ALL to the loony bin! Not to mention that I'm VERY BUSY AT THE MOMENT!"

"Thank you, Chancellor," Emmy said. "Yes, I will explain the violation of Republic Security Code, Section 8675309, to these Jedi."

Darry growled and threw her phone against the wall.

"But, Sir, I was also thinking that their detaining Captain Doreenialla is also a violation of…." Emmy began to talk louder as the off-hook beeping began "….Section 10-10-321 pertaining to the unlawful imprisonment of expatriated diplomatic envoy secretary pro temps."

The two Jedi sighed, released Dorotea, and walked away.

"Ah, Chancellor, it seems that the situation has been resolved," Emmy said as the Jedi disappeared around the corner.

"What the hell is an expatriated diplomatic….whatever it was that you said," Dorotea asked.

"No fuckin' clue," Emmy said. "Let's go. We gotta find him before I run out of ideas."

~*~

"So when we get back to the hotel," the General said, nuzzling Laure's ear as the elevator door closed, "let's try for three."

"Well," Laure said with a sly grin, "as long as you don't mind going back to HSU in a wheelchair."

The General nipped at her ear and then moved back quickly as the elevator doors opened on the ground floor. He and Laure stepped out and walked to the front door.

"I am very anxious to get back to campus, actually," the General said as they stepped outside. "But, of course, we'll have to find Emmy first."

"Oh, she's at Dande's," Laure said confidently. "As is Dorotea. She called Darry from there. And Julia and Sere should be returning to the hotel at anytime. They left a note addressed to you in the penthouse saying they had arrived and would be back after rounding up Emmy and Dorotea."

"Perfect," the General said. "Perhaps we can all go home tonight."

~*~

Julia steadied herself on wobbly legs as the fifth patient from the cafeteria threw up on the floor. "Ugh," Julia groaned, covering her face with her hands.

"I haven't seen food poisoning like this in ages," the healer said as she tended to the next patient who hurled in the waiting area. "There's a mop in the closet there."

Julia looked toward the closet, heard someone else lose their dinner behind her, and then she ran like mad between the retching patients in the waiting room and flew through the door and out into the hallway.

She continued to run, looking for a place to hide and gather her wits. Seeing a janitor closet, she darted inside, slamming the door behind her and rubbing her head.

"They're so cute. Those braids, those butts. And now they're dead. All of them. Because of me."

The incessant babbling startled Julia, and she turned around and squinted into the darkness.

"Wouldn't this be a grand headline for the Tattler."

"Sere?"

Sere gasped. "Julia?"

~*~

"So where have you looked for him?"

"Well," Dorotea said. "I was in the educational wing, that much I know."

"Okay, where else?" Emmy asked.

"Um…well….there was another couple of halls over from that."

"Well, how am I supposed to know where that is?" Emmy asked.

"I don't know! How should I know where everything is?"

"How are we going to find him if you don't even know where you've been?"

"Oh, if you're so smart, then where have you been?" Dorotea asked pointedly.

Emmy looked at Dorotea.

Dorotea looked at Emmy.

And then two Jedi flew past them, hands over their stomachs and mouths. They darted through a door and then a most unpleasant sound echoed through the hall.

"Well, that's really gross," Dorotea said.

"Oh, shit," Emmy said, seeing the padawan and master she had run into earlier quickly rounding the corner.

"What is it?" Dorotea asked.

"Quick! Hide!" Emmy said, grabbing Dorotea's arm and dragging her into a janitor closet.

~*~

"What do you mean they're not there?"

"They *were* here, Laure," Dande said into the phone. "But then Julia and Sere arrived, and they left."

"Oh, great," Laure said.

"What is it?" the General said, stepping over to Laure while Kymira and that strange private investigator looked for clues in the bedroom.

"They're not there anymore," Laure said to him.

"They left several hours ago," Dande said. "I think they were headed to the Temple."

Laure groaned.

"I hope they're alright," Dande said.

"I'm sure they are," Laure said. "Thanks for the info, Dande."

"Is there anything we can do to help?" Dande asked.

"I'll let you know," Laure said. "I'll call you back." She hung up the phone and looked at the General.

"Don't tell me," he said. "The Temple."

Laure nodded.

The General sighed and rubbed his forehead.

~*~

"Oh, this is perfect," Emmy said. "Didn't I tell you all we should just ask at the front desk? And now Sere has killed them all."

"You should have seen the pot!" Sere said. "It was HUGE."

"She hasn't killed anybody," Julia said. "They'll just be puking their guts out for a while. I think."

"You know," Dorotea said. "This is all Darry's fault. If she hadn't…."

"Yeah, no kidding," Emmy said.

Just then, Emmy's phone rang. She looked at the display in the dim light of the closet. Upon seeing who the caller was, she dropped the phone like a hot potato in the middle of the floor. "The General," she whispered.

Dorotea, Julia, and Sere all scooted a few inches away from the ringing phone.

"He's gonna kill us," Dorotea said.

"We're so dead," Julia said.

"Okay, the stew story doesn't leave this room, you got that?" Sere demanded.

Dorotea, Julia, and Emmy nodded in agreement.

And the phone continued to ring.

And they continued to stare at it with a great sense of foreboding.

The End