TITLE: Chaos
AUTHORS: The D&D Show
RATING: WTEI (Worse than Episode I)
DISCLAIMER: Sorry to everyone in the whole world
THANKS: Dande, Jael, Emmy
TIMELINE: After Appointments and Emmy's nice smut fic
~*~*~*~*~
Deb's desk was now covered in Post-It notes, the ream of paper having been torn to pieces.
Deb was on the phone with Laure, whispering frantically. "The tiger cubs just shredded The List! Then they peed on it. Isn't someone supposed to be taking care of them?"
"Um...yes," Laure said darkly, eyeing the white clad figure sitting on her sofa sucking down Pixie Sticks. "Are they still there?"
"No, I pushed them all out of the office. I think they're trying to nurse from Mr Vocab. God knows where Momma is."
"She's in the Clinic, having a small procedure. I'll get the tiger wrangler right on it."
"Thanks, Laure."
"Sure." Laure hung up the phone. "Lose something?" she smiled at her handsome despot.
"Yeah! You haven't seen my sister, have you?"
Laure glared at him and grabbed him by the lorica, yanking him out the door. "Tigers, NOW! Find them."
"Anything for you, my sweet." Commo turned and gave Laure his most vulnerable look.
"Oh bloody hell," Laure said, pulling him back into her office and slamming the door.
~*~
Dorotea kicked the side of the bed. The bundle underneath the covers quivered slightly.
"What was that?"
"Dunno. Wasn't me."
"Get up you two, I need your help," Dorotea yelled at the unseen occupants.
"Let me guess; it's all my fault."
"What's your fault?"
"Oh, the fall of Rome, the stock market crash, and I suspect the fact that Dorotea's coffins have to be moved AGAIN."
"How'd you know that?" Dorotea asked suspiciously.
"I'm the Nurse. I know everything."
"It's true. She does."
"Blechh. Just hurry up- I'll be in the Library." Dorotea picked up a shoe and threw it at the bed.
"Ow."
"Oy, watch it! I need that." An arm reached out from under the covers and Darry shot the bird at Dorotea's retreating back.
~*~
"Oh, this is ridiculous," Tasha grumbled as she tried unsuccessfully to pull another tiger kitten off Mr. Vocab. Every time she managed to get one off and started working on another one, the first one latched back on to him. He held his arms aloft, and two tigers dangled from his biceps. "Where's the RB? Where's Ellie?"
"Ellie was looking after Momma tiger. She and Darry just spayed her." Kendra said.
"Grrrr."
Tasha pried off another cub. It purred loudly and kneaded her sweater. "Here." She handed the tiger to Kendra.
"What am I supposed to do with this?" Kendra held the orange and black striped infant at arm's length.
"Nothing, just hold it."
The tiger cub squirmed out of Kendra's grasp and lunged at Mr. Vocab. The cub grabbed him by the head and started nibbling on a horn.
"Grrrr!"
"Can I quote you on that?" a voice asked.
Julia and Sere arrived at the shed, camera and note pads in hand. "Smile!" Julia called. All three, plus the six infants, glanced at the photographer.
"Aww, look, they sat still," smiled Sere. "They're so good."
"No," said Julia. "They're grrrrreeaaaat!"
~*~
"What happened to you?" Juba asked Haken, as the latter stumbled onto the rugby pitch, holding his bloody nose.
"I shall seek out this enemy and destroy him!" Jael called, making a dash for battle. A large hand reached out and held her off the ground gently but firmly by the Xena t-shirt.
"You are already in the midst of one battle." Jael looked over at her opponent in sword training. The young man stood with hands on hips giving Jael a "so there!" look.
Jael turned and looked at her instructor. "Sorry OG, but the calling to right wrongs is a powerful force. I'm okay now." Max set Jael back down on the ground and released her t-shirt.
"Now, begin again," he instructed Prince Conor and the warrior princess.
Meanwhile Lynne was helping Juba clean up Haken's face. "You should really see the Nurse about this."
"Neine, it vas das Nurzen do dis to Haken ven I go hinder dar.
"But why did you go to the Nurse in the first place?" Lynne asked.
"Cause du freulien Librarian do dis to me." He lifted up the back of his tunica and showed them the Doc Marten bootmark clearly imprinted on his muscular right butt cheek.
"There's something you don't see everyday..." Kymira murmured to her Praetorian, as they sat under the tent drinking champagne and feeding each other strawberries. The male tiger sat at their feet, enjoying the outdoors and feeling studly, which was odd, since he had just been fixed. Perhaps it was the company.
"Why would she do that?" Juba asked.
"Haken know not, all I deed vas put das coffins mit das freuline Librarian's car."
"It must have been something more than that," Lynne said.
"Vell, yah von of dem gotten stucken half vay dar yah."
"Ah, that explains it." Lynne sighed.
~*~
Dorotea stood, scowling and staring at the mahogany coffin jutting out of the back of her beloved Volvo station wagon.
She shook her head. "Muscle-headed idiot," she muttered.
She pulled on the side hand of the coffin, but it didn't budge. She knocked on the coffin.
"Occupied, try back later," Xani's voice answered from within.
"You're stuck in the back of my car, you know!" Dorotea informed them.
"As long as we're not underground," LP said in his cultured British accent. "Although, I would prefer a Land Rover..."
Dorotea made an obscene gesture at the coffin and then turned and stomped off. "This all Darry's fault. Well, Dande and Emmy's fault for kicking me out of the Tower. But Darry's fault for not keeping the coffins," Dorotea ranted as she walked past the Library, which was still missing a wall.
She slammed into the Clinic, where Darry and the "doctor" were now dressed in their scrubs at least, but playing with stethoscopes. "Where the hell have you been? THE COFFINS ARE STUCK IN THE BACK OF MY CAR!"
"Have Moose move them," Darry said dismissively, not even looking at the fuming Librarian.
"That lug is not touching anything of mine again. I'm moving the coffins in here." Dorotea grabbed Cicero by the stethoscope. "And you are going to help me."
The Servant just stared at her.
Darry jumped up, an idea occurring to her. "The Crypt! You can put them in the crypt under our offices. You can only get to it through the secret passages in here and the Library. It's the perfect place."
Still holding Cic by the stethoscope, Dorotea turned to the Nurse. She thought for a minute. Underground... LP might not like it, but he could get used to it. It would be private and she wouldn't have to worry about the General stumbling in at the wrong moment or zoning paperwork.
"Okay, good enough. We'll go get the Volvo with the coffin --" Dorotea stopped talking as the Nurse and "doctor" began giving each other physicals again.
Dorotea sighed. Still holding the stethoscope, she started walking out of the Clinic, dragging Cicero and the Nurse with her. Half-way out the door the Nurse finally let go.
~*~
Deb paced around her office. The queue outside was getting a little rowdy.
"I was next!" shouted Judy, wielding a paper umbrella like a weapon.
"You say!" JenJen grumbled. "I'm sure I was next."
Shana finally emerged from the General's office, a smile on her face.
Deb waited for her to walk through her office and out the door before she returned to the elaborate selection process she had made up in lieu of either appointment book or list. She closed her eyes and stabbed her finger at one of the Post-It notes on her desk.
The outer office door opened and Deb looked at the crowd of impatient women. She cleared her throat.
"Laure!"
Silence.
"Laure?"
"I'm Laure!" shouted a voice.
"No, I'm Laure!" shouted another.
"I'm Laure, too!" shouted a third.
Deb closed the door and made another executive decision. Then she opened the door.
"Emmy!"
"Yessss!" Emmy adjusted her tiara and walked regally through the door. Deb closed it behind her.
Emmy walked to the General's office and opened the door. "No," she said. "Don't bother getting up."
Outside, Normal Al attempted to calm the gang of Hos by playing several Yanni selections.
~*~
Shana was about to knock on Laure's office door when the Mediator opened it. "Just nipping down to see how the appointment schedule's working out."
~*~
Cal was busily weeding the garden, trying to avoid the Ewok taking potshots at him with their sling shots.
A rock hit him in the back and he swung around angrily, wondering what the General would do.
"You!" the Librarian yelled.
Cal paled at the sight of the black-clad alternative (very alternative) Wo leading the "Doctor" by a stethoscope. He hoped she didn't want to use him as a sacrifice. "Yes," he answered, trying to sound brave.
"I need you to go to the Crypt under the Library and Clinic and vacuum it, dust it...whatever it needs. I'm moving in."
"There's a crypt under the those rooms?"
"If there isn't, you better put one there," Dorotea informed him as she walked toward the garage.
The Volvo was rocking as the Librarian and "Doctor" approached it. Cic furrowed his brows at the tightly-wedged coffin that was shaking the car.
"Is there a dead person in there?" he asked the Librarian.
"He's not dead! I resurrected him. He's not undead! He's alive!" The exasperated Librarian yelled.
Cic looked back the coffin, still rocking and now making moaning sounds. "Obviously," he said.
"Thank you," Dorotea said, handing him the keys. "You drive, I'll direct you."
"Maybe we should take the coffin out first?"
"It's stuck, we'll worry about that after we get there," Dorotea said, wondering what else could go wrong.
It never occurred to her that Cicero didn't know how to drive.
~*~
In the Crypt, Cal was busily vacuuming, just happy that there was in fact a crypt and he didn't have to dig one out. It didn't even look like a crypt.
It had stone walls and a stone floor and a lot of mirrors. A few throw rugs and some wall hangings and it would be very nice, Cal thought.
He leaned over to move a discarded candle-holder and his braid got caught in the Dust Buster. He screamed, grabbing the paperclip, but the Dust Buster was stronger and he whimpered as it disappeared.
"I need Laure," he cried as he fled the Crypt.
~*~
Ellie and Caeryn stood in the Admin hallway staring sadly at the now ice-free hallway.
"Well, now what?" Ellie finally pouted. "Elf Bowling?"
"John's gonna be bummed. We don't really need another policeman around here. We already have security."
"Uh...yeah," said Ellie, imagining the two cops meeting each other at a charity banquet or something.
KA-BLAAAAAAM!!!!!!!!!!! The building shook and the sound of falling rubble was heard for several seconds.
~*~
"Darling," the General breathed into Emmy's flushed face, did the Earth just move for you, too?"
~*~
A laughing Nurse, a slightly shaken Librarian, and a remarkably calm "Doctor" stood by the new large gaping hole in the outer wall of the Library.
"The coffin is out," Cic noted.
The coffin had, in fact, not only flown out on impact, but had also cracked open, spilling its occupants out onto the floor of the Library.
"Oh look, LP! We're home!"
"Is this my hair scrunchie or yours?"
~*~
After discovering that she had missed her General appointment and putting one of her leather boot's stiletto heels into Normal Al, Laure thought she'd go find the tigers while waiting for her next appointment.
~*~
Darry and Cic groped at each other and Xani and LP fought over hair scrunchies, while Dorotea picked up the phone to call Mr.Vocab. "I need you in the library."
"Grrr."
"I need you to run cable to the Crypt. Xani says he can't live without Elf Bowling."
"Grrr."
"I know, but he just loves it."
"Grrr."
"Tiger babies? Bring them with you we'll deliver them to that RB later, lazy Emperor. Probably too busy eating pixie sticks or Laure or Shana to watch them properly."
"Grrr."
"Good Royalty is hard to find. See you in a few."
Dorotea hung up the Nurse's cell phone and followed Darry and the "Doctor" as they managed to move Xani's and LP's trunks without letting go of each other.
"Don't wrinkle the velvet," LP directed as he carried one hair scrunchie down the secret passageway.
When they reached the Crypt, Dorotea and Xani exchanged a look. "It's perfect," they said together.
LP's face tensed. "It's underground."
"Um, yes, but in a good way," Dorotea told him as she gave Xani a meaningful look.
"You love being underground. It makes you feel safe and secure," Xani said to LP as he snapped his fingers.
"I love it," LP said, looking around.
"So much faster than therapy," Dorotea noted. "This is going to make a great Goth Club."
Darry looked at Dorotea. "What about zoning? And the board?"
Dorotea grinned. "We're just redecorating, not changing anything structurally. Anyway, who's gonna tell them? It's not like the Divah is huge Goth fan."
~*~
Laure found Momma tiger in the Clinic, sleeping off her anaesthetic in Dorotea's spare coffin.
"Laure, thank god I found you!" Cal burst in just as Mr. Vocab walked by the door, wearing a tiger cub coat.
"Hey! Vocab!" Laure shouted. He stopped, kittens swaying from him. "Get in here!"
"But my braid!" Cal whined.
"Office hours are Monday to Friday, nine to five," Laure stated. "Put them in here," she directed Mr. Vocab.
"Grrrr." He and Laure pulled the cubs off him and placed them with their mother whom they immediately began to climb all over. She woke slowly and licked them.
"But it's Thursday," Cal whined some more.
Laure watched the mother tiger begin suckling her children.
"And it's only three o'clock."
"Grrrr."
"Yes, you're right. Let's get them all back up to my office," Laure suggested. Cal shut up, hoping she would see him after they moved the family upstairs.
~*~
Emmy left the General's office, turning to blow him a kiss, never noticing the previous building demolition had dislodged her tiara.
When she arrived out in the hallway, it was chaos. Dozens of angry Hos were now near breaking point. Emmy reached up to smooth her hair in an Alpha-like fashion and could not find the comforting sharpness of her trademark.
"Brenda," she ordered. "Fetch my spare tiara."
"But I'm waiting for an appointment with the General; I'm not free to leave," Brenda grumbled.
Deb closed her eyes and pointed. "Oh look, it's me!"
"Now you are," Emmy said to Brenda. The Padawan Ho trudged upstairs.
~*~
"Shana, open this door immediately," Laure yelled. She banged on her own office door.
The door opened and Commo peeked out, pixie stick in hand.
"Here," Laure ordered. "Help me push this in the office."
"What are they?"
"YOUR tigers, darling."
Commo turned to Shana, who sat lounging on the sofa. "Did we order any tigers, my pet?"
Laure began to become extremely cross.
~*~
Brenda muttered to herself as she dug through Emmy's room, looking for a spare tiara. She was about to give up and get back to her General vigil when she spied something half-hidden that she thought she recognised.
Emmy was waiting patiently in Deb's office while the Padawan secretary was in with the President.
Brenda walked down the stairs, pushed herself through the throng of waiting Hos, and opened the outer office door. She left the door open so the group outside could see what transpired next.
"Where's my tiara?" Emmy demanded.
"Master, I could not find a spare tiara, but I found something in your room that I thought you might share with all of us." Brenda replied.
"And what's that?" Emmy asked, not always comfortable with the concept of sharing.
"Just this APPOINTMENT BOOK!" Brenda yelled.
The Hos stormed the office.
End.