"What is that?"

"Um...something from the Census Bureau."

"Whadda they want?"

"They say our census was 'elusive, confusing and misleading'." Shrugs. "Sounds like a typical Ho response to any government questions."

"Why did you get it?"

"No clue." Shrugs again. "It was in my mailbox."

"Can we answer it?" Evil grin.

"Sure!" Pulls out glitter pen. "Okay, first question. Please describe the classifications you have made as far as your race. The answers 'Ho' and 'Wench' are not races the Census Bureau recognizes."

"Well, obviously their questionnaire is lacking! We can't just be lumped into something like how much melatonin one has in one's skin after all!" A disgusted sniff. "That's an important distinction."

"Okay..." Writes out explanation. "Second question. 'The number of people in your home has fluctuated quite alarmingly. Please give an explanation.' "

"Easy. We found a diamond mine, we needed security. We got Max, then we got the whole damn legion. Dorotea keeps zapping up people from their graves and we've recruited from the NHL... What else?"

"Hmm..." Chews on cap of pen. "We're men magnets." Wide grin. "What other explanations do they need?" Scribbles out lengthy response.

"Anything else?"

"They want to know why we've listed one of our household members as living on Alderaan." Rolls eyes. "Well, duh! The Wench left, but she's still part of us!"

"Tell them she's not a fic toy any longer. She's moved on."

More writing.

"Okay, next. Explain the disparate differences between definition 'Ho' and 'Wench'."

"How much room did they give us?" Shakes head emphatically. "Nope. Need more room than that for this baby."

"We could just say it has to do with one's Ho-chlorian count."

"Let's call Dande. See what she thinks."

Sound of dialing.

Cheerful, slightly breathless voice answers. "Hello?"

"Dande! How are you, Wenchie! We miss you!"

"Grrlies! How sweet of you to call. I am doing well. My Mas....the hippie says I glow and look radiant in my last trimester of bearing his love child."

Hos pause for a beat. "Oh..um...that's really wonderful! You're really having a baby?"

Going on as if she didn't hear them. "Did you have a coiffure question, grrls?"

"No... Actually we wondered what your take on the difference between Hos and Wenches. We have to answer the Census Bureaus questionnaire."

"Well...." Thoughtful pause. "I am a Wench like my mother before me. I suppose it's a matter of genetics and environment."

Hos nod. Ho-chloridians then.

"However, there are Hos like the Diva who do enjoy dressing in a feminine manner. Velvets, silks, satins...those are usually Wench materials. The tiara is very Wenchly also." Dande hastened to add, "Not that I'm saying Emmy is a Wench...."

"Of course not!"

"At least not while Emmy knows where she's living...." Winks.

"Behaviour, mannerisms, thought patterns.... These are all different in Wenches. We're more purely feminine while you Hos are more masculine. Perhaps you have more testosterone? You know they do say that is what fuels a woman's sex drive, although my Mast....hippie...has ever so much testosterone and is quite the studly hunk -"

"Gotta go, Dande! Love ya, Dande!" Hangs up the phone quickly and shudders. "Too much information."

"Yep." Nods. "Next question?"

Flaps hand. "These aren't so bad! What's wrong with those Census people?" Proceeds to next question....

~*~

"What's wrong, Ted? You look...perplexed."

"I...I have never, in my twenty-six years with this department, read an answer to a census questionnaire like this!" Hands the offending document over.

"What the hell? Is that glitter?"

Shrugs.

"What is a Ho-chloridian?"

"Maybe we should take this to that Mulder guy. It sounds like something right up his alley."

END