Title: HSU - And Then There Were Three
Author: Emmy
Rating: GGB (General Gone Bad)
Archive: You betcha!

"Welcome to McDonald's. Can I take your order?"

"What do you want?"

Emmy crossed her arms and leaned against the passenger-side door of her Mercedes, raising her eyebrow as she studied the General while he sat a bit impatiently in the driver's seat.

"Well?" he asked.

"How long have we known each other?" Emmy asked a little too calmly.

"A long time," the General answered.

"Yes," Emmy said. "And when did you suddenly forget that I DON'T EAT MEAT?!"

"Can I take your order?" the tinny voice sounded through the speaker.

The General shrugged at Emmy. "A salad then?"

Emmy glared.

The General turned toward the speaker. "Yes, I'd like a salad and--"

"What kind of salad, Sir?"

"Oh...any kind of salad will do. And a small order of fries," the General said, giving Emmy a quick smile to indicate how smart and concerned for her hunger he thought he was being. "And a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Diet Coke."

"Oh yeah," Emmy said, "that Diet Coke will really make your pants fit."

"Okay, Sir," said the voice. "That's a Big Mac, large fries, small fries, Diet Coke, and a chicken salad."

"Yes, thank you," the General said.

"I don't want a chicken salad," Emmy said.

"It'll be fine," the General said as he pulled the car forward. "You can just pick off the chicken and eat the lettuce."

"Eat the lettuce," Emmy stated.

"Yes."

"Eat. The. Lettuce."

"Mmm-hmm."

"You ordered yourself a heart attack in a bag, and you're telling me I can just eat the lettuce?!"

The General shrugged again. "Well, you said you didn't eat meat. What else are you going to eat. This is McDonald's after all."

Emmy turned an interesting shade of red.

~*~

"What are you doing?!" Emmy yelled as she reached forward to grab the fries that the General was starting to spill as he woofed down his Big Mac.

"Oopsh. Shorry," he replied, his mouth full of dead animal flesh. "Hard to eat and drive at the same time."

Emmy madly clutched the plastic container holding her salad as she watched bits of lettuce fall from the General's Big Mac down to the leather upholstery of her beloved car.

~*~

"See, wasn't that nice? We should do this more often," the General said, pulling the Mercedes into the driveway.

Emmy continued to give him that same hard glare she had been giving him since he started dropping pickles on the gear shift.

"Perfect," the General said, looking at his watch as he stepped out of the car. "Five minutes to spare."

"Yeah, give Dorotea my love," Emmy growled.

"Now, don't pout," the General said, kissing her quickly on the forehead. "I think Dorotea is under alot of stress. That new pet of hers is proving to be quite a challenge."

"Oh look!" Emmy said, pointing over the General's shoulder.

"What?" The General turned his head to see nothing but driveway.

"Is that the Sphinx?" Emmy asked in an excited voice.

The General gave her a curious look. "Why don't you get some rest," he said, feeling her forehead. "You actually don't look very well today."

Emmy's eyes narrowed on him. "Maybe that's because I haven't eaten!"

"Ah, good point," he said, opening the door and leading Emmy out of the car. "Eat your salad," he said, swatting her quickly on the butt before taking off toward the admin building.

Emmy cursed quite loudly and then marched out of the garage, launching the plastic container full of wilted lettuce and old chicken right at Cal's head.

Cal gasped, rubbing his head as he picked up the salad. "Did the General buy this for me?" he asked, fairly awestruck.

"BITE! ME!" Emmy yelled, continuing to march on toward the admin building. She needed a plan. It was Dorotea's fault that the General was turning alpha on her. So, of course, Dorotea would have to be punished.

Then Emmy stopped in her tracks, an idea forming in her mind. She smiled. Maybe this would actually be fun.

~*~

"You know," the General said, lounging on his couch while Dorotea hand fed him, "I really shouldn't be eating Skittles."

"Don't be silly," Dorotea said, feeding him yet more candy. "You don't need to wear your pants anyway."

"I was hoping you'd say that," the General purred.

~*~

Emmy took a deep breath as she walked casually toward the Library. This mission required stealth and cunning. So she had dressed in slim black pants and a black cashmere sweater with 3/4 length sleeves. It was still summer after all. She had pinned her hair up out of her face so as not to inhibit her in any way and had left her tiara locked safely away in her room.

She carried a large purse filled with every possible provision she could think of. She knew she would have to work quickly but didn't foresee any glitches in her brilliant plan.

Emmy opened the Library door and put the most genteel smile on her now delicate face.

~*~

"Dorotea! Shut the hell up!" Darry yelled from underneath the sheets as she carefully examined the doctor for any sign of physical duress from his busy day out on the rugby pitch.

As the muffled yelling from next door continued, Darry threw the covers off and prepared to aim purple lightning at the hole that still remained in her wall from her brief stint as videographer.

Just as Darry's fingers began to crackle with Dark Side mojo, she paused, listening to the voice that continued to yell. Dorotea certainly wasn't in the habit of belittling her EA's.

Darry listened closer.

"Holy shit, get over here!" she yelled to Cicero.

Being the good servant he was, he jumped out of bed and hurried, nekkid, to her side, bringing the sheet with him to wrap around their bodies.

"Lift me up so I can see through that hole in the wall," Darry said.

"Why?" Cicero said, taking a peek through the hole himself.

"Hey!" Darry huffed as Cicero began to watch with interest. Finally, she stepped away from the wall and purple-lightning'd a new hole at her eye level. Then she peeked through, covering her mouth as she began to laugh. This was far better scoop than the General's current health kick.

~*~

"M'Lady, I'm sure that if you left a courteous message that Lady Dorotea would be more than pleased--"

"LADY Dorotea?" Emmy huffed as she continued to back LP into a corner. "Listen up, pretty dead boy, that Ho ain't no lady."

"Got that right," came a snarl from the other side of the room.

Emmy turned on her heel to see Logan walking toward her and the rather nervous LP.

"I don't like him," LP said quietly.

"Listen, you," Emmy snapped, marching forward toward Logan. "You so much as think about riding the General's Triumph again, and I'll take great pleasure in feeding you to our mascot."

Logan belched and tossed his beer can aside.

Pelham gasped, his refined sensibilities completely and irrevocably offended.

"You're disgusting," Emmy said.

"And you're giving me a headache, woman," Logan said.

"What did you call me?" Emmy seethed.

"And get me another beer," Logan said.

"Neanderthal!" Emmy yelled.

"Nag!" Logan yelled back.

"Alpo breath!"

"Second-hand homecoming queen!"

"Edward Scissorhands WANNABE!"

*SNIKT*

Emmy smiled. "Why, thank you."

"What?" Logan growled, blades glistening in the light.

Emmy reached into her purse and fumbled through the stash that belonged to the pseudo-Science Department. As PR director, she kept many pseudo educational stashes in her office in case of a spontaneous parental visit.

"I suggest you leave now," Logan growled.

"I suggest you remember you're on Ho turf now," Emmy said, pulling out a handful of tiny magnets and throwing them at Logan's blades.

*thwack*

*thwack*

Emmy grabbed two more handfuls and threw them at him.

*thwack thwack thwack thwack thwack*

~*~

"Fucking brilliant!" Darry exclaimed as she watched Logan's blades all suddenly cling together as he snarled and futilely attempt to pull his arms apart.

Cicero glanced down at Darry and then peered through his peephole again.

~*~

Emmy smiled triumphantly as Logan struggled to separate his blades. "Don't EVEN think about riding that Triumph again."

"Well done, Lady," Pelham said, a clever grin on his face.

"Who are you smiling at?" Emmy snapped, reaching into her purse and pulling out several scrunchies.

"Those aren't velvet," Pelham said as Emmy marched on him again.

"No," Emmy said, "they're cotton/poly blend!"

"But--"

"Oh, don't worry, m'lord," Emmy said in a suddenly soothing voice. "I'd just love to tie back your hair.....if you'll let me."

Pelham smiled at the crazy woman. "Well....alright."

"Terrific," Emmy chirped.

~*~

"This isn't gonna be pretty," Darry said.

~*~

"What are you doing?" Pelham asked, a bit distressed, when, instead of tying his hair, Emmy bound his wrists behind his back with the scrunchies.

"Okay, listen up," Emmy said, pushing LP forward. "You seem to be the most reasonable element in Dorotea's harem, so let's work something out, shall we?"

"Of....of course," LP said.

"All you have to do is keep her in the library and off the General's Triumph with....that," she said, gesturing toward Logan as he continued to curse her. She then guided LP over to a chair, and she sat down and looked up at him. "You can handle that, right?"

"Of course....I think," LP said, glancing nervously at the flailing blades.

"Logan, heel! Pelham, kneel," Emmy said.

"I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm feeling extremely aroused right now."

~*~

"Holy shit. Get the camera!"

"What?" Cicero asked.

"The video camera!" Darry snapped. "Move!" she said as she smacked his leg.

~*~

"What the hell are you doing here?" Emmy said, bolting up from her chair and digging into her purse.

"Just couldn't stand to be away from you, Princess."

Emmy pulled her backup tiara out of her purse and flung it at Xanatos.

"Thanks," he said, reaching up and slowing it with the Force. He plucked it out of the air and hooked it on his belt. "I was getting low on cash."

"What do you want?"

"C'mon, Princess," Xani said. "You have to admit that I'm much better company than that…." He sighed. "Dorotea has really outdone herself this time."

"Xanatos, if you please," Pelham said, raising an eyebrow at him.

"Oh, I don't know, Pelham," Xani said. "I rather like the site of you bound and kneeling."

"I give up!" Emmy yelled, turning back to LP and yanking the scrunchies off his wrists and flinging them at Xani. "You guys have your party. I'm outta here."

Xani laughed. "This isn't like you at all, Princess, giving up so soon. You disappoint me."

Emmy glared at him, her stomach growling.

"Perhaps you and I could come to some sort of arrangement," Xani said.

"In your dreams," Emmy said, reaching down and grabbing her tiara, trying to yank it off Xani's belt.

Xani laughed again as the tiara caught on the leather, Emmy continuing to pull on it. "Ooohh, she likes to play rough, too. I think I'm in love."

~*~

"That little bastard," Darry whispered to herself as she filmed the proceedings. "How long has he been hiding out in the Library instead of in here?" Darry looked up when she heard Cicero clear his throat. Darry flashed him a smile and then went back to filming.

~*~

"Oh, keep the damn thing!" Emmy yelled, releasing her tiara, and turning away from Xani to march toward the door.

"What if I told you I could make sure this…." Xani gestured toward Logan. "…didn't set a foot near that bloody Triumph?"

Emmy slowed her pace a bit.

"And," Xani said, "not only that, but I can get rid of him for good."

Logan snarled, lunging toward Xani, his blades still magnetized together.

Xani sighed and casually grabbed his lightsabre, igniting the red blade and waving it in front of Logan.

Logan returned to snarling and whipping around trying to separate his blades.

Xani turned back to Emmy. "With your help, of course."

"Oooh, no," Emmy said, shaking her head. "You're on your own. No way I'm getting blamed for this."

"Aw c'mon, Princess," Xani said. "I'll make it worth your while," he said, prowling around her.

Emmy rolled her eyes and put her hands on her hips. "Nice try."

Xani pouted. "You're no fun at all."

"Keep him away from the General's stuff," Emmy said.

"And why should I?" Xani asked, crossed his arms.

Emmy cocked her head and stared at Xani.

Xani cocked his head and stared at Emmy.

"Keep him away from the General's stuff," Emmy repeated, her voice low.

"And…?" Xani said, stepping forward.

Emmy grabbed Xani's shirt and pulled him forward. "And you'll find out," she drawled against his lips.

Xani arched his eyebrows with interest.

Then Emmy turned and walked away.

~*~

"Don't tell me he's actually gonna fall for that," Darry groused. "God, he hasn't been gone that long." She continued to film Xani strolling around the library just for the hell of it. And then suddenly the camera was yanked out of her hand and she found herself being quickly transported back to the bed.

~*~

"EMMY!!" Dorotea pounded on the door. "I know you're in there!"

The door opened, and Emmy gave Dorotea a smug look. "I'm busy," Emmy said.

"His blades are stuck together," Dorotea seethed.

Emmy smiled. "Yes, they are." Emmy stepped aside and opened her door a little wider so Dorotea could see the General standing on the other side of the room. "What are you going to do? Tell the General?"

"Why you--"

"Night night," Emmy chirped, shutting the door.

"Oh, that is it!" Dorotea groused as she headed back to the library. "I'm going to find that spell book and--"

"My, you look so…..agitated and….exciteable."

Dorotea gasped at the unmistakable drawl. "Oh no," she muttered under her breath, glancing toward the Clinic to make sure Darry wasn't catching this.

~*~

"Thank you all for being here this morning," the General's voice boomed over the speakers in the auditorium. "I'm excited to officially kick off our very own HSU Make the Connection!"

"Okay girls," Kendra said. "That's it. No more Oprah for the General."

"What'd he just say?" Ellie yawned.

"Make the who?" Jen said, rubbing her eyes.

"Complexion," Kymira said, stretching in her chair.

"Well, that doesn't make any sense," Ellie yawned again.

"Like anything does?" Kymira said.

"So to begin this brand new program, we will begin each day with a brisk jog around campus," the General continued. "Some of you have already joined me the last two mornings. And then we will go through some strength training exercises."

"He's trying to get rid of us, isn't he?" Emmy said.

"Sounds like it," Darry said, checking her watch.

"He knows we don´t actually get out of bed at this hour, right?" Shana said. "We did cover that in a Board meeting. I'm sure I have the paperwork."

"It will be a bit challenging for all of us at first," the General said. "But I think we can all agree that we've all let ourselves go this summer. Myself included. And a fit campus is a happy campus."

"What did he just say?" Laure asked with annoyance.

"I think he's telling us we're getting fat," Dorotea said.

"So, let's get your bodies back in shape, shall we?" the General said with a big smile.

"Hey!" Darry shouted out. "I'll have you know I'm happy with my body the way it is. And so are a lot of other people!"

The General raised an eyebrow.

"I mean, so are they…happy with their own bodies…as well," Darry said.

"And I'm happy with all of you as well," the General said. "But there's always room for improvement."

"What the hell?" Emmy said, standing up. "Listen up, Mister Big Mac and Fries."

"You tell him, sister," Shana said.

"I'm outta here," Darry said.

"Wait a minute," the General said. "Everyone just calm down. You women really are so sensitive."

A collective gasp sounded across the auditorium. And then the room promptly cleared out.

Except for Cal, who sat enraptured as the General attempted to order everyone back to their seats.

"I wasn't finished," the General growled into the microphone.

"Oh, yes you are," Emmy said, turning quickly and following everyone else out of the room.

The General moved quickly off the stage in a vain attempt to order them all back.

And from a dark corner of the auditorium, Xani snickered. "I've really missed messing with this place." He grinned. "It's good to be back."