Title: HSU Fic: Donuts & Coffee Provided
Author: Laure, Mediator
Rating: AMGTF (Alpha Male Gone too Far)
Disclamier: Don't own anything. Poor, very poor. Would be willing to own one slightly rusty suit of armor.
Timeline: Set during Hard Bodies. I know, I keep doing that. Author's Note:Someone take over please! Can't have the General making us sweat--in a bad way--for too long!

As the General's jersey cloth covered bottom jogged out of view, Laure turned from her window and plopped down at her desk chair, disgusted.

"We have to do something," Shana interjected. "I'm far too delicate for jogging and jumping jacks." She shot the snorting Emmy an evil glare.

Laure rubbed her hands over her face and yawned. "Need coffee."

"I was just heading to bed when that horrible noise sounded," Dorotea added as she slumped onto the couch. Little Spike pounced on her lap and the Librarian began to pet her.

"Looks like the General lost a few of the upper level freshmen," Emmy said from the window. "Ellie just made 'stay there' gestures."

"Meeting, this travesty demands a meeting." Shana began to pace.

Laure yawned again and moaned pitifully, "Coffee?"

There was a knock on the outer door and Judy stepped into the room, bearing a tray of coffee and pastries. All the Ho's jumped for the food.

"Get 'em while you can. The General drew up this list of banned bar snacks." Setting down the tray, the bartender drew a long list from her pocket and handed it to Emmy.

"NUTELLA?"

Pouring herself a cup of life-giving coffee, Laure winced at the Diva's outraged shriek. "Since when do we pay attention to his little edicts?"

"...True." Emmy joined Dorotea on the couch and glared at her. "This is all your fault, you know."

"No it's not," the Librarian shot back. "It's Darry's."

Shana stopped her pacing and looked out the window, munching on a donut. "Oh look, here they come around again. Looks like he's lost about half the freshman class. Caeryn's cozying right up next to him."

"There are easier ways to get the General's attention," Judy said, plopping down in a chair with a cup of coffee.

"Brenda's hanging on his other side."

"She's a good Padawan Ho," Emmy said with a smile. "I said follow him, she follows him."

"Oops, she tripped and now he's helping her up and they're holding hands." Shana grinned over her shoulder.

Emmy growled.

The door opened again and Ellie, Kymira and Jen came in, perspiration beading on their brows.

"That jogging really takes it out of a grrl," Ellie said, patting at her flushed cheeks.

"You ran about twenty feet," Emmy replied. "We saw you."

Shrugging, the unrepentant hockey Ho grabbed a Danish and perched on the arm of the couch. "So, how are we going to put a stop to this?"

The coffee having done its job, Laure looked up from her blueberry muffin with much brighter eyes and a clear head. "I have no problem with the General exercising, well, as long as it doesn't interfere with appointments. And, hey, we all like making some of those appointments exercise related--a dip in the pool, a tennis match, a round of golf, that sort of thing. Even the occasional jog."

"Yeah, that's all great and everything, but this is obsessive," Dorotea replied. "Forcing us out of bed at dawn..."

"You weren't *in* bed," Emmy interrupted.

"I was *in* bed, I just wasn't asleep," Dorotea retorted. "Anyway, it's over the top. Where did he get this bizarre idea that he's fat anyway?"

"I like a bit of flesh on my man," Shana said, gazing lovingly at the closed bedroom door.

"The General isn't skinny or fat. He's just right," Jen remarked.

"Yeah, nice muscles--not too big and veiny. And that flat stomach..." Kymira's eyes glazed over until Ellie punched her in the shoulder.

"Stay focused."

"Ow."

"Grrls..." Laure said sternly, making them both sit up straight. Then they both slumped and glowered at her.

"You were a Sunday school teacher in another life, weren't you."

The Mediator cocked an eyebrow at her Padawan Ho, and addressed the group of munching Ho's. "We should try to find out why the General is suddenly insecure about his looks, but, regardless, we need to bolster his confidence. If, say, he wants to spend part of your appointment time lifting weights, you go along and cheer him on. I'll do my part and take him golfing more often, maybe even let him carry his own bag so that he feels like he's getting a good work out."

"And where does the just 'getting some' come into this little scheme?" Emmy asked.

"Bushes, locker rooms, in the freakin' pool. Use your imagination."

"What about the Nutella?" Kymira asked a bit frantically. "He took mine away!"

Laure nodded slightly. "We might have to dispense with the smearing of food stuffs..."

She was interrupted by several furious cries.

"Okay, maybe we can use low fat foodstuffs."

"That stuff tastes like crap." Dorotea hugged the tiger cub in desperation at the thought of no more Nutella.

"Look, let's just humor him for a few days. Maybe some crisis will take his attention off his body," Laure tried.

"With our luck we'll be crisis free for weeks," Shana growled.

"You can always smear food on one of your EAs, what about us Ho's who are loyal?"

The Ho's with EA's glared at the Diva who sneered back.

Catching herself glaring, Laure shook her head, took a big sip of coffee and raised her hands to try to quiet the clamor. "The last thing we need to do is fight amongst ourselves."

"You really haven't been here very long," Judy muttered into her coffee mug.

The door opened and Jael entered. One hand rested on the hilt of her sword, the other held several sheafs of labels. "No way are we using low fat Redi-Whip," she muttered, slapping the papers down on the desk.

All the Ho's praised the Geek Artist for her very realistic renderings.

Shana glanced out the window again and sighed softly. "The General and the few remaining Ho's are doing their cool down."

There was a mad dash for the window and much sighing and commenting before the General disappeared into the building and the Ho's returned to their discussions.

Finally, Laure looked up from the legal pad she was jotting notes on. "So, are we agreed?" There were several reluctant nods. "We use Jael's labels for food and convince him that they're really low fat and healthy. Jael, you'll make up some labels for 'light' Corellian Ale and get those to Judy as soon as possible" Jael nodded. "We all be very encouraging and even exercise when we feel like it, and we try to determine why he suddenly thinks he's fat."

"Why don't we just drag his not fat butt in here and make him tell us?" Darry asked from the doorway. "I don't have time for all this subterfuge crap and I'm not about to break a sweat unless I want to."

"Yeah, that's a good point, and I can't believe I just said that," Dorotea muttered. "How do we get out of this dawn running thing?"

"Don't say I never did anything nice for you." Darry started distributing very official looking doctor's notes signed by Cicero.

"This says Cicero?" Jen asked skeptically.

"Looks like a typical doctor's signature to me," Kymira said with a shrug, carefully folding her note.

The Nurse smirked. "He's new to writing. Learned it through body art with Hershey's syrup." She ignored the groans.

"I see you only made up so many of those," Emmy drawled.

Darry's eyes narrowed. "If the other Ho's couldn't figure out that just not showing up or walking away would get them out of this morning's insanity, they don't deserve my carefully crafted notes."

Laure rolled her eyes. "That's rather harsh."

"And your point is?"

At that rhetorical question the meeting broke up and the Ho's drifted out of the Mediator's office. Shana perched on the window sill, looking out over the grounds and very carefully watching the Ewoks trimming bushes.

"I really am curious as to what started this," Laure murmured, taking another bite of muffin.

"Probably took a Cosmo quiz or something. I'm surprised he isn't turning into a woman with all the estrogen in this place."

Laure nodded and then smiled at the sound of water running in her bathroom. "Looks like someone's awake."

Shana grinned and strolled towards the outer door. "Have fun, I'm giving my new guy a tour of all the hot spots on campus. Expect us back by the end of the week."

Laughing, Laure rose and headed for her bedroom.

*****

Cal put the finishing touches on his masterpiece and stepped back. He'd spent all his allowance and stayed up all night putting it together and making it just perfect, but it was worth it.

In a back-lit corner of his hovel stood a seven foot tall glass case containing a black, featureless male mannequin wearing the General's padawan uniform, with a model of a light saber hanging from the belt.

At the bottom of the case was a discreet and poorly typed sign which read--if spelled correctly--'My Inspiration'.

End