Title: HSU: The General's Clothes
By: Judy
Rating: NC and LIF (No Cholesterol and Low in Fat)
Summary: The General has some image problems. Welcome to our world, General! :P
Disclaimer: George owns the General, etc. etc. etc.
Archive: You betcha, Nurse!
Notes: Time for the General to get all angsty again but in a fun way! Yea! This is for Darry for mentioning that she really likes Obi-Wan as the padawan. And for Ellie and Aya and Julia for writing such beautiful words today. And for Emmy, whose suggestions inspired a couple of scenes, and for all the rest of you Grrls who love and adore Obi-Wan in all his forms, whether padawan, General, or Ben! Naturally, we have to torture him. :)
P.S. Dande, I can't do Haken-speak as well as you, but I tried for you!
"The General's Clothes"
General Obi-Wan Kenobi hummed lightly to himself as he made his way back to his room. He had just come from an overnight appointment with Emmy, then had gotten sidetracked by Brenda who seemed to be following him everywhere these days. He grinned--maybe it was an extreme case of hero worship. Whatever. He wasn't going to question his good fortune.
It was so good to have everything back to what passed for normal at HSU. His grrls were happy, or at least, the police hadn't been called lately--that he knew of. And he was gettin' some on a regular basis again. His efficient padawan secretary DebLei even had the week's appointments already lined up. And at the top of the list was one with Darry for noon. Wet padawan. He grinned wickedly. He was definitely looking forward to this appointment. He'd even sent his old padawan's uniform to the laundry yesterday to be cleaned. He hoped it'd been returned by now.
Reaching his door, the General pushed it open and almost tripped over Sugar who darted past him into his room.
ÒWhat? You think I'm going to feed you at this exact moment?Ó Obi-Wan raised a bemused eyebrow at his black-and-white and still fuschia cat who gave him a demanding glare. He briefly wondered if that color was ever going to come out. Figuring probably not, considering where they were, Obi-Wan bent down and stroked Sugar's soft fur as she rubbed up against his legs and purred. His nose twitched, a good indication that his allergy medication was wearing off. He needed to contact the healers back at the Temple for some more soon or at least have Darry obtain it for him.
After dumping a scoop of very expensive specially formulated cat food into Sugar's bowl, he headed towards his closet, plan forming in his mind. It would be fun to revisit those padawan days.
Sure enough, there, hanging on the door, was his old padawan's uniform. Funny, even after a laundering it looked dingier than he remembered but it had been in the closet for quite some time. It had been years since he'd put it on too, but...he glanced down at himself...he hadn't grown any since that time. He was still in very good shape, if he did say so himself. It should still fit, no problem...
Five minutes later, General Obi-Wan Kenobi felt on the verge of cursing long and loud. If he could have drawn a breath, that is. The leggings were skin tight and he could barely lace them up, even sucking his gut as far as he could go. His Force-enhanced breathing techniques were coming in handy because he should have passed out by now, but he was determined. He finally managed to get the laces tied, but now his circulation was being cut off.
This just couldn't be right. He gingerly stepped over to the mirror and gazed at himself critically. He didn't look fat. But wait...Obi-Wan turned sideways and gasped. There it was...a paunch, where skin spilled out over the tight leggings. He *was* getting a beer belly. He tried sucking his gut in again, then let his breath out in a loud rush. It was still there. The flab. He could tell. His mind took over, trying to rationalize: Well, he hadn't been working out as regularly as he should have...other than the usual nighttime activities. And virtually every one of his grrls fed him Nutella and chocolate or other kinds of sweets. And he did have a fondness for Corellian Ale, and not the light variety either.
'Face it, Kenobi,' he thought. 'You're out of shape.'
Appointments forgotten, his face steeled in determination, it was time to take action. But first, he had to get these damn leggings off.
****
Kymira was the General's unsuspecting first target. Sitting in the lounge, she was idly flipping through the latest Cosmopolitan and using her index finger to dip Nutella out of the jar.
ÒKymira!Ó She nearly dropped the jar on her lap at the thunderous sound of the General's voice. He sounded upset...surely he hadn't found out about.. eyes wide, she turned around warily.
"Yes?"
"How often do you eat that?" He pointed at the Nutella.
"Um...dontknow. Every other day or so, depending."
"Give me the jar."
Kymira grinned wickedly. She scooped some of the hazelnut-and-chocolately delight up. "Okay. But I get to go first." She advanced on him.
"No, that's not what I meant." He sounded annoyed. The General never got annoyed when it came to Nutella.
"Huh?"
"And go wipe your fingers," he stated as he took the jar from the stunned Ho. "From now on, Nutella consumption will be reserved only for special occasions, such as birthdays. We eat far too much of it."
"Umm..." Kymira was worried now. Was the General cracking up again? The campus was relatively calm right now. She debated whether she should go get Laure. Or just go find Quintus and hope she was having a really weird daydream or something.
"Go on now," Obi-Wan gently pushed her towards the kitchen. "You'll thank me for this later." He smiled, finally seeing the very worried look she was giving him. "Trust me."
Kymira stared at his retreating back, still not convinced that he hadn't gone insane again, but after he was gone, she licked her fingers clean and went in search of Quintus.
******
In the bar, Judy and Kendra were trying to catch a flyaway pigeon that refused to roost anywhere.
"Can't we just get a gun and shoot it down?" complained the bartender Ho.
"No. Can't we just get a gun and shoot Ellie since this was her bright idea?" groused the padawan barkeep. Her shin connected with a coffee table. "Ow! C'mere you stupid pigeon!" The bird flapped up to one of the ceiling rafter and began cooing.
"Oh, just leave it," Judy waved her hand resignedly. "When Darry doesn't get her snacks, which I'm assuming is the request tied to that bird's leg, she'll ask Ellie, then Ellie will come here, then you can shoot her."
"Thank you, Master," Kendra grinned. She knew Ellie was tired of finding new phones for Darry, but using pigeons ("But there are so many on the HSU tower.") to carry messages? That was a little extreme, even for her roomie.
And now one had taken up residence in the bar. With a note tied to its leg.
The General walked into the bar and Kendra used the excuse of her smarting shin to sit down quickly before she swooned. Damn, he looked good in black. And wet. Oh yes, wet and in black. Oh yeah. She sighed.
The General grinned at her, causing her to feel dizzy as all breath left her body. Then his attention turned to the bartender.
"Judy, I need you to get rid of all the Corellian Ale. And all other alcohol while you're at it."
"Excuse me?" Judy blinked.
"I've decided I, actually we all, need to embrace a more healthy lifestyle--more exercise, more fruits and vegetables, no alcohol. Water and fruit smoothies, juices, diet drinks only--could you keep a nice supply of juice in stock for me?" He gazed at her in that bright-eyed, adorable, you'll-do-anything-for-me-when-I-look-at-you-like-this look.
"Uh, sure." said the dazed Ho. What the...?
"Thank you, Judith darling. Knew I could count on you."He kissed her cheek.
"Uh, sure."
As the General departed, Kendra limped over to Judy. "What just happened here?"
"I think the General has gone on a health kick," replied the still-slightly dazed bartender.
"But why would he think he needs to do that?" wondered the padawan Ho, the memory of the General's tight ass encased in form-fitting black pants still fresh in her mind.
"I've no idea, but I have a feeling we'll know soon enough."
*********
Jael the Warrior Princess was wearing her Geek Artist hat for the day as she readied her classroom for the new group of incoming students.
She was lining up the cans of Redi-Whip when the General came in.
"Jaelly, it's been so long," he came over and gave her a hug. "I never see you anymore."
"Well, I've been..."
"Jael, I need you to do something for me." He gave her a serious look.
"Yes, General?" Jael was suddenly all-Warrior Princess-business. The General needed her assistance.
"Could you replace all the Redi-Whip with a low fat variety?"
Jael blinked. What kind of a request was that? And did Redi-Whip even come in a low fat variety? Did anyone care? She didn't think such a thing existed but the General seemed so earnest in his cause, who was she to judge. So, bringing her arm across her chest in salute, she said, "Of course, General."
"Thank you, Jaelly," he hugged her again. "And I hope to see you again soon."
Jael watched him go, then looked at the cans, shrugged and got busy creating "low fat" stickers for them.
******
Darry looked at the clock. Twelve noon. Right on the dot. Where was he? He was irritatingly punctual. She huffed, then sat down behind her desk and tapped her perfectly manicured fingers. Cicero was on the rugby pitch with Max and the other "miners." She had closed the clinic for the day. She wanted wet padawan, dammit. So where the hell was he?
******
Dorotea couldn't believe her eyes. Haken and Vocab Man were lugging kegs of Corellian Ale past the crypt entrance to the wine cellar.
"Hey Vocab! What are you doing?"
The tattooed gardener turned around.
"Grrr."
"Really? The General ordered Judy to get rid of it?"
"Grrr."
"He says we're only going to drink water and juice from now on and Judy's storing the ale and other liquor until he comes to his senses?" Oh no! He was cracking up again! What had Darry done to him anyway? Then the Librarian was hit by a very opportunistic idea. "Hey Moose Man!"
"Ja, Fraulein!" Haken lumbered over, easily hefting two kegs.
"There probably isn't enough room for all of those in the wine cellar. I've got plenty of room in here," she swept back to indicate the crypt where her current EA resided.
"Ja, Fraulein!" Haken nodded enthusiastically and toted the kegs into the crypt.
"Oh, and Moosey, just store the rest in here, 'k?"
"Ja, Ja, Haken bringen die bier."
"Good boy." She patted his arm, then shoved him out. "Oh Logaaan. Have I got a treat for youuu."
Snikt.
*******
Standing on the lounge patio, Emmy heard the faint ooohs and aaaahs first, then sighs, groans, and nngggghhhs. The sounds seemed to be coming from around the corner. 'What the hell..?' her eyes narrowed as she followed the sounds to the little-used HSU gym at the back of the main building. Peering in she noticed it was actually a pretty nice facility. 'Did we pay for this?' she wondered before her mouth ran dry at the sight in front of her. The reason behind the sounds in all his glory.
The General was running through his lightsaber exercises and he wasn't wearing a shirt. No. Shirt. Sweaty. Muscular. Glistening. Skin. No. Shirt. Sweaty. Rippling. Back. Muscles. Tight. Black. Pants.
Regaining her equilibrium after a few moments, Emmy quickly pushed her way to the front of the crowd of gathered Ho's. "Make way, Diva comin' through." Seeing Brenda sitting on the front row of the bleachers, she made her way to her padawan and shoved in next to her.
"How long has this been going on?" Emmy forced herself to continue breathing as the General executed a neat back flip, then immediately kicked out, his lightsaber slashing. Oh.my.God. He was just so beautiful.
Brenda formulated a response once her brain was operational again. "Uh...I don't know."
She felt sure it had been for...awhile...she'd been following him again. From visits to Kymira, then Judy in the bar, then Jael, now here. As she watched the General move, she knew there was something important she should tell Emmy about all those visits but right now, she couldn't think of it. Oh well. She sighed. Several younger students had already swooned.
Ending his exercise, the General looked around when applause burst forth. He smiled and bowed graciously. Then seeing Emmy, he trotted over to her.
"General," Emmy said, her eyes sparkling wickedly. "I think I speak for all us Ho's when I say thank you for that."
Obi-Wan grinned. He hadn't really counted on an audience and truthfully, he hadn't really noticed, he'd been so caught up in his exercises. But if they wanted to watch him try and lose...suddenly self-conscious, he used the Force to bring his black t-shirt over to him. Several Ho's sighed and swooned as he pulled it on over his sweat-sheened torso.
"And," Emmy leaned in close to purr. "you can wear those tight pants any day."
The General jerked back, his face suddenly serious. "So you noticed too?"
"What?" Emmy shook her head, tiara never moving.
"My pants," he confided in a whisper as he led the Diva from the gym. "They *are* tight, aren't they? Too tight. I've let myself get out of shape. I can't fit into my old uniform. That's why I'm working out." He seemed embarrassed.
"Uh, Obi-Wan. You're *supposed* to wear tight pants." Emmy couldn't believe this conversation. The General had issues with his image. That was just wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
"Not this tight," he glanced down at himself and frowned. All he could see was a pudgy stomach. "And actually, we all could be healthier. I've already taken steps in that direction."
"Excuse me...What??" Emmy's expression darkened. Just then Brenda came up to her. "Master, I just remembered I have something..."
"Not now, padawan," Emmy shushed Brenda, her gaze focused on Obi-Wan. "General, you were about to explain how we could all be...what did you say...healthier? Are you saying you think we're..."
"Emmy, please let me..."
"THERE YOU ARE! WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?" Darry's voice thundered over the lawn. The Nurse was headed their way.
Obi-Wan grimaced. His appointment with Darry! He'd forgotten! Damn! Well, he'd think of a way to make it up to her. Besides he wanted to discuss proper nutrition for the campus with her.
Instinctively, he fell back on The Stance and The Look causing Brenda, caught unawares, to swoon immediately. Emmy, having been building up a serious amount of righteous indignation, only swayed under the onslaught of sexual magnetism.
Darry, even in all her fury, couldn't help but be affected. She felt her anger beginning to melt away as he gave her a predatorial smile. "I'm so sorry to have missed our appointment, Darry," his voice was husky and low. "But I promise I'll make it up to you. How does wet and nekkid strike you?"
Darry felt herself wavering when her inner voice spoke up. 'Wait. He ditched you. You don't need him, not when you've got a certain servant/doctor. And he's not even dressed as a padawan like he promised.' In her best "talk-to-the-hand" move, Darry whirled on her Gucci heels and stalked off in search of Cicero.
Obi-Wan stood there stunned beyond belief. The combined power of The Stance and The Look had *never* failed before. Not even on the Nurse. His shoulders slumped. She didn't find him attractive anymore. The rest of his grrls were probably humoring him too. Not looking up, he trudged back towards the main building. Perhaps he should just cancel all his appointments.
Emmy was still in shock over the Nurse's actions. She turned down an offer of wet *and* nekkid Obi-Wan? What kind of drugs was she taking in that clinic? Suddenly realizing the General was no longer there, she stepped over a prone Brenda and hurried after him.
********
Meanwhile, at the gardener's shack, padawannabe Cal lifted a pristine white tunic out of his little red wagon. Then a pair of pristine white leggings. He frowned as he looked the uniform over. In this light, it was plainly obvious the uniform was not his. This uniform was definitely a lot whiter. And larger. He gasped. He must have picked up the General's old padawan uniform by mistake when he grabbed his laundry. His own padawan uniform--made by his mother for Halloween the year before--was a lot dirtier looking cause he wore it everywhere. Cal grinned goofily and hugged the material to his chest. The General's clothes! He had some of the General's clothes! This was too good to be true!
The end. Anybody care to follow up?