Title: HSU - The Case of the General's Wench
Author: Emmy
Rating: OF for Obnoxious Fun
Archive: please
Note: No particular order on this either. It's JUST FOR FUN

"Alright, the first matter before the board today," Dean Caeryn said, shuffling her notes, "is the issue of Dorotea. Now--"

"Dock her pay," Emmy snapped.

"Yeah, and let's make her work over at the Wanker College library for three months," Die added.

"Now, that is a little harsh don't you think?" Caeryn said.

"Lock her up in the tower and make her listen to the Titanic soundtrack," Shana said.

"Maybe we should lock Dande up, too," Darry said.

"Well, all of these are...interesting ideas..." Caeryn said diplomatically. "But this is a school, not a dictatorial regime."

"Says who?" Emmy huffed.

"Right," Die said. "If the General starts getting into this whole wench business, he's gonna get LAZY!"

"And FAT!" Shana said.

"Before we know it, he'll start sitting around ALL DAY watching ESPN, calling each of us 'woman', and expecting us to wait on him hand and foot!" Darry said. "No more prowling after us, no more swaggering into our offices and offering lovely spring afternoon country rides on the Triumph, no more Stance, no more Look, no more--"

"SHE MUST BE PUNISHED!" Die seethed.

"Just a flabby, beer guzzling, 'yo mah bitch so yo do as I says' WANKER," Darry concluded.

Caeryn sighed. "Listen, she still wears black, still has that attitude."

"She offered to POLISH HIS BOOTS!" Emmy groused, pounding her fist on the table.

Caeryn's eyebrows raised. This was a dire situation. "Alright, first thing we do is cut off Dorotea's grape rations. Die, you're on General patrol."

"Yeah!" Die grinned and bounced in her chair.

"She ALWAYS gets General patrol," Emmy whined.

"Em, it's the most logical choice, she is his secretary," Caeryn said. "Die, you make sure the General goes nowhere near the library for the next week."

"Can I cancel her appointments, too?" Die asked excitedly, still bouncing in her chair.

"No," Caeryn said. "She still needs to be exposed to the very reason that we're all Ho's in the first place. BUT she must pass inspection before going into his office. No grapes, no..." Caeryn thought for a moment. "Well, whatever it is a wench would carry."

"I'll have Al grill her," Die said. "That way she'll be good and pissed off by the time she goes in the General's office. No chance of wench behavior then."

"Good," Caeryn said.

"And if any of you have any experiences of the General pulling any kind of wench treatment on you, THEN we'll lock her in the tower and make her listen to the Titanic soundtrack while watching the video of the General exploring his masculinity," Caeryn said.

"Sounds good to me," Shana said.

"Are we done?" Darry asked. "I actually have things to do."

"Yes, we're ajourned," Caeryn said.

The Ho's exited the conference room, Emmy and Die bringing up the rear.

"Caeryn has a copy of that video?" Emmy mumbled to Die.

"Guess so," Die whispered. "I'll schedule her a bonus appointment this afternoon, and then we'll tear that office apart until we find it."

"Deal," Emmy leered.

~*~

"LET ME OUT OF HERE!" Dorotea yelled, angrily banging on the door.

"NOT UNTIL YOU RECANT!" Diebin yelled back on the other side of the door.

"DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?!" Emmy yelled at Diebin, earplugs firmly lodged in her ears to filter out all but the dullest muffling of the Titantic soundtrack.

"I WAS TALKING TO DOROTEA!" Diebin yelled.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT ME?!" Dorotea yelled from inside the locked room.

"WHAT'D YOU SAY?!" Emmy yelled at Diebin.

"C'mon," Diebin said, grabbing Emmy's arm. "Let's go watch that video."

"WHAT?!" Emmy yelled as Diebin yanked her away from the door.

"OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW!!" Dorotea yelled, kicking the door. "OR I'LL BREAK IT DOWN AND KICK BOTH YOUR ASSES!"

"DO YOU STILL CLAIM TO BE THE GENERAL'S WENCH?!" Diebin yelled, wondering how much longer she could take that music.

"YES I DO!!" Dorotea yelled back.

"WHAT'D SHE SAY?!" Emmy yelled.

"THEN YOU STAY IN THERE!!" Diebin yelled, yanking Emmy down the stairs with her and right into....

The General.

He was posed on the stairs, one leg bent in mid-stride, resting the foot on the next stair up, one hand on his hip and one hand encircling the rail. Diebin and Emmy gasped as the stance caused his trousers to tug in all the right places.

"What are you two doing?" he asked with an accusing tone.

Emmy, never wanting to miss an opportunity to hear the General's voice, pulled the plugs out of her ears. "What did you say?"

"We're not doing anything," Diebin said as the music continued to blare above them, Dorotea yelling and pounding on the door.

The General eyed Diebin and then marched up the stairs past them.

Diebin turned quickly and ran up behind him. "We HAD to lock her up. She's claiming to be a Wench now."

The General stopped and faced her. "You locked her up?"

Emmy whapped Diebin's arm. "Why'd you tell him that?"

"I thought he already knew!" Diebin said defensively.

The General strode the the door and opened it. Luckily his Jedi reflexes prevented him from being kicked in a most unfortunate place as Dorotea continued to batter at the door that was no longer shut. With a flick of his wrist, the stereo cut out, leaving Dorotea yelling in silence for a moment before she realized what had happened.

"Someone explain this to me now," the General said.

"They locked me up because I fed you grapes!" Dorotea charged.

"She's a Wench posing as a Ho!" Diebin said.

The General was confused. Dorotea certainly had never scoffed at his advances like that Wench Dande did. He had to admit that the grape feeding business was a bit....odd for a Ho. But he was never one to question whatever his Ho's wanted, especially if it involved gettin' some.

Emmy grabbed the General's arm. "Do you have any idea what this means? We are training Ho's here. What happens when she starts telling them all to polish your boots and feed you grapes?"

"Yeah?" Dorotea said. "What happens when they all start following your lead and wearing turquoise and khaki?"

Emmy gasped in horror.

Diebin snickered in spite of herself.

Emmy whapped Diebin's arm again. "That was Ginsu's fault!" Then she turned to Dorotea. "And as for you--"

"You wanna piece o' me?" Dorotea challenged. "Bring it on, Diva."

Emmy reached up to launch a deadly tiara throw.

The General grabbed Emmy's wrist. "Ladies, please," he said, trying not to seethe but not succeeding very well. He stepped in the middle of the three women, brave Jedi that he was, and took a deep breath, exhaling loudly. "Now, Dorotea, do you promise not to advocate grape feeding and boot polishing among the freshman class?"

"You didn't seem to mind my grape feeding and boot polishing yesterday," she huffed. "I can do whatever the hell I want."

The General rolled his hips nicely as he stepped in front of Dorotea. "I am not asking you to be anyone but who you are. However, some of these freshman may be impressionable in their first few weeks here. And while I don't doubt my ability to inspire loyalty, I don't want them to get the wrong idea and suddenly start duct taping their bosoms."

Emmy winced.

"Yeah," Diebin said. "Before we know it they'll be dusting off the Qui clones."

Dorotea's eyebrows raised. "You have Qui clones?"

"I meant that figuratively," Diebin said.

"So perhaps we can keep the grapes and boot polishing just between us," the General said, moving ever closer into Dorotea's space.

"You can't tell me what to say. I can bait the other Ho's with it if I damn well please," Dorotea said defiantly.

The General chuckled. "Of course."

"You actually LET her polish your boots?" Emmy huffed.

"Emmy," the General said, turning around to face her.

"What?" Emmy put her hands on her hips.

"Do I ask you to wear a catsuit like Diebin or to be nice like Caeryn? Do I ask you to be anyone but who you are?" he said.

"And you point is...." Emmy said.

"Emmy," he said.

"WHAT?" she said.

"Go to my office and wait for me there," he said, giving her The Look.

"Bite me, Caveman Kenobi," Emmy said, stepping away from him and toward the door.

The General raised an eyebrow. "That can be arranged," he drawled.

"Slow your roll, Jedi Man," Emmy said pointing at him with a Diva-esque sweep of her arm before exiting the room.

"And as for you, Diebin, we don't lock people up." he said.

Diebin rolled her eyes.

The General stepped forwad. "Did you roll your eyes at me?"

"Well, DUH, weren't you looking?" Diebin said, crossing her arms. "Here, let me do it again." She rolled her eyes a second time as she turned around toward the door. "Carry on with your Wench, Mastah!"

"Alright, that's it," Dorotea said, stomping forward toward Diebin.

The General reached out and grabbed Dorotea around the waist. "There's no need for that," he said.

"Excuse me?" Dorotea said. "She locked me up and is copping serious attitude!"

"Yes, I know," the General said, the door suddenly slamming.

"So I'm going to kill her now!" Dorotea said. "And don't you try--" Dorotea gasped as the General's firm body suddenly trapped her against the wall. "Uh...."

"What was that you were saying?" the General asked, leering at her and locking the door.