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Every now and then I get a little bit lonely
And you're never coming 'round,
Every now and then I get a little bit tired
Of listening to the sound of my tears.
Every now and then I get a little bit nervous
That the best of all the years have gone by,
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified
But then I see the look in your eyes.

Turn around

Every now and then I get a little bit restless
And I dream of something wild,
Every now and then I get a little bit angry
And I know I've got to get out and cry.
Every now and then I get a little bit helpless
And I'm lying like a child in your arms,
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified
But then I see the look in your eyes.

Turn around, bright eyes

Every now and then I know you'll never be
The one you always wanted to be,
Every now and then I know you'll always be
The only one who wanted me the way that I am.
Every now and then I know there's no one in the universe
As magical and wondrous as you,
Every now and then I know there's nothing any better,
There's nothing that I just wouldn't do.

Turn around, bright eyes

Every now and then I fall apart
And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
If you only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right

Together we can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all the time.
I don't know what to do, I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks.

I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart,
There's nothing I can do
It's just a total eclipse of the heart.

Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark,
There's nothing I can say
It's just a total eclipse of the heart.

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--April 3, 2000--

Dear Diary:

General Kenobi came to see Kymira this weekend. I'm glad. It did her a world of good, and she's in much better spirits now. I should be, but I'm not. I can't believe I cut her hair...why did I do that?? I can be so stupid sometimes. She says it doesn't bother her, but I know that deep down she's not happy about it...and it hurts me. I hate it when I hurt my friends.

I'm so depressed...I didn't get the General anything for his birthday...sure, I went to the amusement park with all the other Ho's, but I wanted to get him something special...and I couldn't even come up with anything. This would not have been a problem for a true Ho. I have such a hard time concentrating on my classes even...my grades have slipped considerably. I even considered dropping out of HSU...luckily Kymira was there to talk me out of it. What would I do without her?

On top of everything else, I find myself extremely lonely. I miss the General. I've only been with him twice since I arrived on campus, but those two times....is it possible to become addicted to an amazing drug after only two "hits"??? That's what he is to me...a wonderful, amazing, drug. I felt such a euphoric high when we were together the first time I met him...and that day out in the rain...oh Gods, the rain...I've never felt so fulfilled as I did on that day...and have never felt it since. I don't like the rain anymore......

I need to see General Kenobi...I need to tell him how I feel. How I feel, what a joke...I can't even put it into words in this journal...how the hell am I going to tell him?? I so want to tell him how much I love him...when he carried me back to my room that day in the rain, I felt so safe in his arms, so loved, so........so......oh no, I can feel the tears coming. I'll be right back, Diary...

I'm back. Fuck! I hate it when I do that...but I needed it, I guess. It's been about six months since the last time I cried like that, so I think I was due for it. I'm glad Kymira wasn't here to see me...I'd be so ashamed for her to witness a scene like that. I'm supposed to be the tough one, the one who loves to pick fights...and here I sat in the bathroom sobbing like a baby for 45 minutes. My mother used to worry about me when I'd do that. One minute we'd be talking about anything and everything, and the next minute I'd be sobbing uncontrollably. The joys of being a Cancer...mood swings, constant longing to be a mother, clingy...I FUCKING LOVE IT!!! Yes, Diary, I'm being sarcastic...

I've been debating on going to the administration building to see General Kenobi...to see if I can schedule one of those "appointments", as the Ho's call it. But I just don't think I can bring myself to do it, Diary. I guess I'm a little apprehensive about talking to the admin staff. I don't know. I mean, I've never really met Caeryn...but she seems really nice, and Shana's great. We've talked before, but she's a staff member...I'm just a lowly Freshman, I don't feel worthy. Diebin intimidates me...especially when she's brooding. I walk the other way when I see her coming. And Emmy. Emmy downright scares me. I'm ashamed to say it, but she does...the way she used to walk around with that tiara on her head. She's probably a really nice person and a great friend once you get to know her, but I have no idea how to even approach her.

FUCK! And I *still* haven't found a present for the General! I'm not worthy to be called a Ho...I don't even feel worthy to be a Grrl. I need reassurance...I need General Kenobi to tell me that I'm just as special as the rest of his Grrls...

Maybe I just need Prozac. I should talk to Nurse Darry about that...wait, she's trying to quit smoking...um, I think I'll avoid her, she scares me, too...

Maybe I just need to go to the club and get laid....

Maybe I just need to turn off this damn music..........

--End of Entry--