Title: HSU - Holding Out for a Hero, Parts 1&2 (I think)
Author: Emmy
Rating: WBW (Whatta buncha weirdos)
Disclaimer: George, let's not even go there.
Occurs: After Darry's 'Logistical Nonsense' & Die's 'Cat Suits and Tiaras'
Summary: The last time we saw Jael, she was stuck on Hoth with Cal, Crow, Vocab Man, Han, Chewie, and Space Dog in a failed rescue attempt to drag Darry back from Coruscant. Die then sent Emmy and Shana to rescue the rescue team. And somewhere in there Emmy and Die got arrested for a cat fight and are still ready to kill each other.

"I'm cold!"

"Well, you should have brought a warm jacket."

"This IS a warm jacket."

Shana rolled her eyes at Emmy's black velvet duster. "Well at *least* take off that tiara before it freezes to your head!"

Emmy huffed and carefully pulled the tiara out of her frozen hair making a mental note to contact those people at TIGI and complain about their molding mud's lack of freeze resistance. "So now what?"

"Well...uh...." Shana walked down to the end of the ship's ramp and peered out on the desolate, frozen tundra.

"I told you ladies there was nothing out here," their pilot drawled. "And knowing ol' Han, I'd say he either got shot down or hocked the Falcon and your friends to get him out of a jam."

Shana and Emmy glared at him. "Listen, Calrissian," Emmy said. "We didn't pay you to think, or to talk. We paid you to fly. So until it's time to fly, go away."

Lando raised an eyebrow and smirked. "Han sure knows how to pick 'em," he said.

"Excuse me?" Shana said. "I'll have you know that *we* picked *him*!"

"Wait, I think Jael picked him," Emmy said, her brow scrunched up. "They hired him to fly them to--"

"I know!" Shana snapped as Lando walked away chuckling and shaking his head.

~*~

"Okay, watch this," Han said with a smile, raising his eyebrows at Jael as he hit the ignition on the Falcon.

Jael gave him a goofy grin, at the moment perfectly willing to accept being buried under thirty feet of snow for the rest of her life.

Han nodded as he winked at Jael, the engines revving up....and then whining, sputtering, and coughing to a dead, cold stop.

Chewie roared and banged the wall.

"Pay up!" Crow shouted, having scored for a third time on a bet that the Falcon would never make it off the ground.

"Grrr"

"But we don't have any money left," Cal whined.

Space Dog barked and pulled Cal's wallet out of his jacket.

"I like that dog," Crow preened.

~*~

"Okay, they sent us an email saying they were here. If they left, they would have sent another email," Emmy said, her teeth chattering as the two Ho's stood on the ramp.

"Yeah, I'm sure of it," Shana said, her lips a fashionable shade of blue. "They have to be here somewhere."

"So what are we going to do?" Emmy asked. "Dig?"

Shana raised an eyebrow at Emmy.

"The General would know what to do," Emmy said.

Shana snorted. "The General wouldn't have the slightest clue what to do."

"Yeah, I know. I was just trying to be nice."

"Oh."

"Well, he does have that Force sensing thing going on."

"There is that." Shana sighed.

"So what do we do?"

Shana turned toward Emmy. "The only thing we can do." Shana walked to the edge of the ramp, hugging her body to keep warm. Then she opened her mouth and screamed, "CRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!"

~*~

"What was that noise?" Cal asked.

Crow shrugged, intent on beating up all of Cal's chess figures. "I dunno. Sounds like Shana or Emmy doing some primal scream therapy," he said nonchalantly. A split second later he gasped and jumped up. "Sounds like Shana or Emmy doing some primal scream therapy!!" Crow climbed up on top of the chess table. "Shana!! SHANA!! SAAAAAVE MEEEEE!!"

Cal ran to the front of the ship where Jael was still making googly eyes at Han. "They're here!"

Han turned his head, giving Cal quite a look. "Who's here?"

"Our rescue!!" Cal said excitedly.

"What?" Jael asked.

"Shana or Emmy," Cal said. "We heard one of them primal screaming."

"You did??"

"What are you talking about?" Han asked.

"C'mon," Cal said, loping down the hall with Jael following him. "Now, listen."

Jael looked up at the ceiling. And then she heard it, the faint, muffled echo of her salvation. "Han! Get this bucket of bolts fired up and get us out from under this iceberg!"

"Women," Han huffed.

~*~

"Well, that was effective," Shana said.

"But you feel better now, don't you," Emmy said as she and Shana sat in front of a small heater inside the ship to thaw out.

"Yeah, I do."

"So," Lando said, carefully approaching the testy women. He had hidden in the cockpit with the door locked and his blaster drawn until the screaming ceased.

"They're here," Emmy said. "We just have to wait for them."

"Wait for them?" Lando said. "How are we--" Suddenly the ship began to shake.

"Earthquake?" Emmy said.

"I don't know," Lando replied. "But I'm getting us off the ground." He hurried up to the cockpit and fired up the engines. Suddenly the ship lurched upwards, and Emmy and Shana tumbled to the floor.

"What are you doing?" Shana yelled.

"Nothing, I didn't touch...." Lando grabbed the controls as the ship began to list from side to side. He pulled the ship off the ground and tried to steady it, checking the instrument panel for an explanation.

"Oh my God," Emmy said, finally crawling up from the floor and peering out the window.

"What?" Shana stumbled over.

"They're right underneath us."

~*~

"Han," Lando chuckled, "only you could get yourself buried in thirty feet of snow and live to tell the tale."

"Get me away from these FREAKS!" Jael yelled as she jumped from the ramp of the Falcon to the ramp of Emmy and Shana's ship.

"Nice girl. As always," Lando said as Han scowled.

"Wait a minute. Here's the deal," Emmy said. "We still have to get Darry on Coruscant. So, Shana, Jael, and I will go with Han, and we'll find Darry."

Space Dog barked.

"And Space Dog, too," Emmy said.

Chewie huffed.

"Yes, and you, too, Chewie," Emmy said rather exasperated. "Now, Lando will take Cal, Vocab Man, and Crow back to HSU."

"But...Shana," Crow whined.

"Can it," Shana said.

Han smiled. "Works for me." He patted Lando on the shoulder. "Enjoy your cargo."

Lando grinned at Han. "Wait, you have to get all their luggage first."

~*~

Han panted and wiped the sweat off his brow as he lugged the last piece of luggage off the Falcon and into the landing bay on Coruscant. "Now," he gulped, trying to catch his breath, "I want my money."

"Uh...do you take Visa?" Shana asked.

"No," Han said with an annoyed little smile. "Cash only, sweetheart."

"Well then, I guess you'll have to come to the bank with us," Emmy said. "But that's a good idea anyway because you can carry our luggage."

Chewie growled.

Han's eyebrow quirked up. "What's your credit card number?"

~*~

"Now this is how Ho's should live," Emmy said, leaning back on the leather sofa and propping her feet up on the table as they lounged in their 2,000 credit per night suite atop the Four Seasons Coruscant hotel.

Jael padded into the spacious living room, toweling off her hair. "I can't tell you how fabulous that shower felt. I was starting to smell like them."

"Uy," Shana responded, wrinkling up her nose.

Emmy stood up and wandered around, picking at the shrimp cocktail that room service brought up as she took in the view. "I love being rich," she sighed.

"You said it," Shana said.

"I always said, I just wanted a simple life," Jael said. "A place to live, some food to eat, maybe some flowers in a vase...and a million bucks."

"Yep," Shana grinned, taking a sip of her vintage Rothchild, "it's the little things."

Jael plunked down on the sofa and carefully examined the tray of chocolate-covered strawberries. Picking the best one, she said, "So, how do we go about finding Darry?"

"Oh my God!" Emmy yelled.

"Now what?" Shana asked.

Emmy turned from the window, her eyes wide as her arm pointed with enthusiastic jabs. "Jedi Temple!"

"WHAT?" Shana and Jael both said at the same time, jumping up and hurrying over to the window.

"See that spire-like thing over there?"

"Em, that's a Taco Bell," Shana said.

"No!" Emmy said, glaring at Shana. "Farther away. Just beyond that transport station."

Shana and Jael gasped.

"That's gotta be it," Emmy said.

"Well, we've only seen pictures," Shana said. "But you're right."

"Certainly looks like the pictures," Jael said.

The three Ho's stood silent in front of the window as large, Grinch-like smiles slowly spread across their faces.

Suddenly Emmy cackled and turned from the window, heading for her bedroom to find the right outfit.

"Let's go!" Shana said, running to her room.

"Right behind you!" Jael answered, skipping to her room.

Space Dog whined and laid down on the floor, covering her face with her paws.

"I really don't understand you sometimes," Darry said, flipping her hair and taking a sip of her vodka martini. "All this time you had a perfectly good candidate."

"My dear, I--"

"And instead you take on Vocab Man," she huffed. "If you had listened to me, you probably would be ruling the galaxy by now."

"But, my dear, he's so...corporate," Palpatine said, wrinkling his nose slightly

Darry laughed incredulously. "He is NOT corporate."

The Senator raised his eyebrow rather haughtily. "Do you know him?"

"Well, I've never met him," she said. "But I've heard a lot about him. I think he'd be just the type you're looking for. You need an apprentice, and I can't think of anyone better for you."

Palpatine sighed and smiled.

"At least say you'll talk to him."

"Alright," he said. "Anything for you, my dear. What is his last name?"

"Uhhhh...." Darry scrunched her face and shrugged.

~*~

Shana, Emmy, and Jael stood before the Jedi Temple, their mouths hanging open as they stared up at it in wonder.

"He's going to kill us," Shana said.

"He isn't here," Emmy said.

"I can't believe we never came here back then," Shana said.

"Why, would we? He came to us," Emmy grinned.

"So what do we do?" Jael asked. "Just walk in?"

"I guess so," Emmy said.

"Yeah," Shana said. "And just drop the General's name all over the place until somebody offers to show us around."

"Sounds like a plan," Jael said.

The three Ho's walked side by side with purpose toward the front door, preening at the interested glances from passerby Jedi. They smiled dazzling Ho smiles on cue when another pair of Jedi opened the doors for them. They walked straight to the security desk.

"Names?" the droid said.

"Uh...we're here to see...." Shana racked her brain for a name.

"Master Yoda...OW," Emmy blurted out, rubbing her arm where Shana jabbed her with her elbow.

"Sorry," Shana said. "She just had a long space flight. What she meant to say is that we'd like to see...uh...."

"Bant," Jael said.

"Good one, Jael," Emmy said.

"And who shall I tell Master Bant is inquiring?" the droid said.

"We're friends of Obi-Wan Kenobi," Jael said.

The hushed rustle in the lobby of the Temple fell to a dead silence. The Ho's glanced from side to side, keeping their eyebrows raised and nervous smiles on their faces.

"Please wait in the receiving area," the droid said. "I will contact Master Bant for you."

"Thank you," Shana said as the three of them walked over to the area that was sparsely furnished with functional chairs and a few plants. They stood with their backs to the wall, looking out into the expansive hallway.

"Oh my God," Emmy peeped while holding a smile on her face. "There are Jedi everywhere."

"And they're all staring at us," Jael peeped back.

"Alright, from this point on," Shana mumbled, "Ho vow of silence."

"Oh, absolutely," Emmy replied, smiling as a rather handsome Jedi approached them. Of course, all the Jedi seemed to be handsome...the human Jedi anyway.

"Ladies," he said, bowing graciously. "I am afraid Master Bant is unable to assist you. But I hear you are friends of Obi-Wan."

"Yes, that's right," Shana smiled at the testament to Force-inspired perfection standing in front of her.

"You are from the...university?" he asked.

"Yes, we are," Emmy said with a grin.

A smile stretched wide across his face. "Would you like a tour?"

~*~

"What do you mean you can't find him?" Darry said, flipping her hair.

"Now, my dear, without a last name, it's very difficult to--"

"You have heard of the Force, correct?"

The Senator held the pleasant smile on his face. "I appreciate everything that you do for me. Please don't worry about this. I will find a new apprentice. In fact, I've had my eye on a rather intriguing individual from--"

"I'm going shopping," Darry huffed, flipping her hair and marching out of the room.

~*~

"Oooohh, braids," Emmy gushed as they walked through a large group of padawans of legal age (or almost legal age).

Jael blinked and gulped. "Do you guys play rugby?"

Their guide, who was a knight and named Jon'ishn'lymka'arnu'thnnyred (Jon for short), chuckled. "I am familiar with the sport, although I'm afraid we do not play it here."

"She could teach you," Shana said helpfully. "Jael is our rugby coach."

Jon smiled at the diminutive Geek Art Goddess. "You are the rugby coach?"

Jael grinned and nodded. "Yes, and Emmy is my star player."

"Aw, that's sweet, Jaelly Bean," Emmy said. "But she's not just our rugby coach, Jon, she's our Art Director."

"Oh?" Jon said. "What type of art do you teach?"

"Oh, computer graphics," Jael said, stopping to admire a statue of some Jedi who was even older than the Dead Guy. "But mostly the Art of Redi-Whip."

Jon's eyebrows raised, his face bearing an intriguing expression. "No wonder we haven't seen Kenobi since...since...well, I can't remember when we last saw Kenobi."

"Hi there," Shana purred to the gang of padawans that had suddenly encircled them.

"We're dead," Emmy said, giving the knights and padawans her best sultry gaze.

"So very dead," Shana said, laughing like the femme fatale that she was.

"I wonder if they'd be interested in doing a building swap with Wanker College," Jael said.

~*~

Darry relaxed while reading her Cosmo, her body happily exhausted after a day of shopping and other recreational activities. Intrigued by the Cosmo Bedside Astrologer, she didn't have the good fortune to hear the door open.

"Hello, Angel!"

Darry growled, standing up quickly and launching the heavy magazine in the direction of the voice. Unfortunately for her, the devil spawn brat had those Jedi reflexes to fall back on.

"Hello, my dear," the Senator said, entering the room shortly thereafter.

"What are you DOING HERE?" Darry seethed.

"I came here for you, Angel," the pint-size pest chirped. "I came to rescue you."

"Rescue me?" Darry snarled.

"Charming boy, isn't he?" the Senator said with an amused expression.

"You KNOW him?" Darry asked.

"Actually, we had the good fortune of running into each other downstairs," Palpatine said. "He told me he was looking for a beautiful angel, so I knew it had to be you."

"She's my girlfriend," the junior Jawa piped up.

Darry suddenly flicked her middle finger against her thumb, thwapping the cheeky child on the back of his head.

Anakin turned around to face Darry, his eyes awestruck as he rubbed his head. "You touched me," he said, his voice full of wonder.

"Well," Palpatine said, extending his arms forward, "shall I take us all out to dinner?"

Darry groaned and half-sobbed, dropping her head into her hands.

~*~

"Wow," Shana gasped, "I'd heard about this lake, but I thought they were just fanciful exaggerations."

"It's amazing," Jael said.

"A lake in the middle of the Temple. Imagine that," Emmy said. "So," she said turning to face the crowd of Jedi that had followed them, "you boys skinny dip in this lake after curfew?" She smiled as two padawans at the front of the crowd blushed.

"Amateurs," another padawan, but older than the other two, said as he stepped up in front of Emmy.

"Do they teach you all to smirk like that, or does is it some sort of natural Jedi trait?" Emmy asked, twirling her hair between her fingers.

The padawan's smirk grew a little more pronounced as he shifted his hips and gave her a smoldering look. In response, Emmy sent him a smoldering thought. The padawan choked nervously, losing his stance and look.

"Amateur," Emmy purred, playfully tugging his braid and waggling her eyebrows before she executed a perfect diva turn and sashayed over to a snickering group of knights.

"So tell me, Jon," Shana said, winding her fingers around the crook of his elbow.

"Yes?" Jon asked with a devastatingly handsome smile.

"Have you ever had a beach party?"

~*~

"And then I ripped away from Sebulba's podracer, sending him crashing into the ground. BOOM!" Anakin slammed his hand down on the table.

"Most impressive," Palpatine said.

Darry continued to stare at the interesting lighting sconce at the top of the wall while munching on a forkful of salad.

~*~

"Ah, c'mon. Take your under tunics off. I won't tell!" Emmy said enthusiastically to the knights who had stopped snickering and were now giving each other cautious glances.

"I am SO glad we stopped so I could buy this digital camera," Jael said, grinning at Emmy between rapid-fire picture taking.

"No kidding," Emmy said, biting her lip and smiling at the first knight brave enough to remove his tunic.

"Mmmmm...yessss....oh, right there...." Shana sighed as she lay on her stomach on a soft blanket next to the lake as Jon meticulously massaged the knots out of her back. He already had his tunics off because he was, of course, not an amateur.

"So what brings you here to Coruscant?" Jon asked, carefully kneading a tightly wound muscle in her shoulder.

"Looking for a friend of ours," Shana said.

"Oh? Do you know where to find her?"

"Oh, sure," Shana said. "Darry comes here all the--"

"Darry? Did you say Darry?"

"Yeah."

"Nurse Darry?"

"Uh...yeah."

"Oh. She was here yesterday," Jon said.

"She was?"

"Yes," Jon said with a smile. "It's been our lucky week."

~*~

"And someday, I want to visit every single planet!" Anakin exclaimed before shoving a spoonful of ice cream into his mouth.

"That is very admirable of you, young Skywalker," Palpatine said.

Darry was sitting back in her chair, arms folded, look of death aimed at the good Senator.

"Your ambition needs to be cultivated," Palpatine continued.

"Can you cultivate me, Mister Senator Sir?"

"Yeah, cultivate you like a weed," Darry said. "Rip you out by your roots and--"

"Can you teach me to be a Jedi?" Anakin asked hopefully. "I've dreamed of being a Jedi. And someday, I just know that I'm going to be a Jedi."

"Dream. On." Darry said, glaring at the boisterous brat.

Anakin blinked and gave Darry a blank look. "I have to go potty. Excuse me, Sir and Ma'am." He climbed off his chair and scurried around the table, landing with an "oof" as Darry tripped him with her Gucci-clad foot.

"Didn't see that one coming, did you, kid?" Darry said, flipping her hair back as Anakin scrambled to his feet and continued to scurry.

"My dear, I think this boy may be what I have been looking for all this time." He picked up Darry's hand and kissed it. "And I have you to thank for finding him."

"But what about Xan--"

"If there were only some way for me to properly show you my appreciation for all you have done for me," he said, squeezing her hand in his.

Darry smiled...just barely. "Well--"

"I'm back, Angel!"

~*~

"Wow, they're really egging them on," Jon said, watching Emmy and Jael catcall the knights and padawans into going shirtless.

"We're Ho's," Shana said. "It's our job."

"Well, I'm just sorry you didn't visit us before now," Jon said.

Shana brushed her hair out of her face and smiled at him. "What?" she asked as she saw Jon's face suddenly turn pale as he looked over her head.

"Master Windu!" several voices called out in union as the Jedi tried to pretend that they weren't half-nekkid.

"What is going on here?" Mace asked in a cool, even tone.

"Hi, Macey," Emmy purred.

Shana covered her mouth to stop the laughter.

Mace spun around at the sound of Emmy's voice, his stern visage softening a bit. Then his eyes landed on Jael and Shana. The corners of his mouth quivered just slightly. And then a smile crept across his face. "You ladies are a sight for sore eyes."

The Ho's smiled and simultaneously performed a collective hair flip to make Darry proud. Mace looked at the group of shirtless knights and shook his head with a chuckle. "Things haven't quite been the same since you girls left town."

Emmy walked up and yanked Mace's robe off. "Nothing is ever the same once we storm through a place."

"You know him?" Jon asked Shana.

Shana raised an eyebrow. "Of course."

"Yes, I see that," Mace laughed at Emmy's remark as she posed herself in the middle of the half-nekkid knights while Jael took a picture. Mace removed his lightsabre from his belt, placing it on Shana's blanket. With a flick of his hand, music began to play.

The Ho's cheered and began to shake their groovethangs with Mace and the barechested Jedi.

Until....

"So, tell me," Mace said as he grooved with Shana, "how is Obi-Wan?"

Shana suddenly stopped mid-step. "Obi-Wan?"

Jael lowered her camera in the midst of a photo essay on braid/bare chest contrast. "Obi-Wan?"

Emmy promptly un-wedged herself from between two solid, mostly nekkid knights. "Obi-Wan?"

Mace gave the women a curious gaze. "Yes. Obi-Wan. How is he?"

~*~

"Good night! Thanks!" the Ho's said as they waved to the crowd of Jedi pressed against the front door of the Temple. Then the three of them turned and walked toward the street.

"Okay, uh..." Shana said. "Anybody else feeling like crawling under a rock?"

"Right here," Jael said.

"Oh yeah," Emmy said.

"So...are.... So how does this stand?" Shana asked. "Is he ours, or are we his?"

"It's...it's very complicated," Jael said.

"Yes, it is," Shana said.

"Wait," Emmy said. "This doesn't mean that we're getting...ya know...old and boring or anything, right?"

"No way!" Jael said.

"Us, boring? Never," Shana said.

"It just means that we're feeling a little guilty because he's been through a lot, and...uh...not that we're suddenly dependent and responsible and obligated to him and all that, right?" Emmy said as they turned the corner and continued down the sidewalk.

"Right," Shana said.

"Yep," Jael said.

Emmy nodded. "Mmmm." She took a breath and pushed her hair out of her face. "It certainly doesn't mean that we've lost our touch or anything...that we're any less Ho than we ever were."

"Hell, no!" Shana exclaimed.

"Look at the way we got those demure, stoic Jedi to strip their clothes off," Jael said. "That's a gift."

"You're right." Emmy smiled. "Hey, anyone for ordering a ton of room service and noshing in front of the TV in our jammies?"

"Lead the way, my sistah!" Shana said.

"And then tomorrow we'll find Darry," Jael said.

"If Darry wants to be found," Emmy said with a laugh.

"Yeah, she doesn't get too much private time with the Senator," Shana said. "She'll probably tell us to bugger off when she sees us."

~*~

"I made this for you," Anakin said proudly, holding up a necklace to Darry. "It's a made from macaroni and dental floss."

Darry grabbed a pillow from the sofa, placed it over her face, and screamed.