The Hong Kong Cavalier's

The Astro Zombies

I'll admit the only reason I purchased the Image Entertainment DVD of this flick was because there's 13 year old testosterone-driven adolescent who lives inside my 28 year old male skull.

It's true....men are pigs.  There...I'll admit it freely, as a representive of my gender.  And frankly, some of us are proud of the fact.  Why is it that I begin to smile whenever I think of Raquel Welch in the furry cave-girl bikini, ala "One Million Years B.C."? Why am I happy that I live in a world where not only Anna Nicole Smith tried her hand at being an action movie star, but Andy Sidaris produces filmed entertainment?  Simply because I'm a guy...and well, I lack the gene that codes for shame.

Exhibit A:  Tura Satana

The Astro Zombies (1967) Geneni Films Director: Ted V. Mikels Starring: Wendell Corey, John Carradine, Tom Pace, Joan Patrick, and (woof!) Tura Satana

I rest my case....... Some people are shocked by my admission that I enjoy these type of films. They say that I don't possess a stance that's "politically correct" enough in these times.  My feelings on political correctness?   Well...let's examine the term: political, meaning a train of thought used to govern others, and correctness...meaning to be true.  When ya break it all down, basically it's a softening of the language and actions that our esteemed governing body feels will allow us to "get along with each other".  It's the "truth" that the government tries to get you to buy into.

Screw that.   I seem to remember seeing something about a place where everyone was on the same track once, politically, and it looked like it was a bad thing...'course, I may be mistaken.  All the old newsreels were in German.  Anyways...The Plot: John Carradine  (aka Ol' Hambone) is a scientist (isn't he always?) whose work involves creating a specimen who can survive the rigors of space travel.  Somehow, this involves the use of dead bodies (ain't that the norm?) and the ugliest lab assistant this side of Dwight Frye.  I mean it...he looks like the dude with the hunchback from "Manos: Hands of Fate"...only less clean.  Tura Satana is a foreign agent out to get his research, and the feds are after all of them.  Carradine is successful with his experiment, and creates an "Astrozombie", a cross between Jet Jaguar and Jason Vorhees.  NASA really missed out on something special here.  Murders ensue,  and Tura reveals just enough flesh to tease.  The only thing that baffles me is that whenever the Astro-Zombie attempts to kill a woman, he blouse is the first thing to go.  And...i've never seen so many capri pants outside of an Elvis flick.  The feds close in and evil loses. The End.

God Bless Ted V. Mikels.  The only man in recent memory with the ability to baffle the hell outta me with a film has been David Lynch (I was alright until watching the last ten minutes of "Mulholland Drive".  Then it was all speechless stutters...I didn't know whether I had been cheated or had viewed something completely over my head). Reccommended for Tura completists only.  Waitaminnit....tell ya what.  go out and get "Faster Pussycat, Kill, Kill!" instead...you'll thank me for it.