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| Yes, Dear Reader...it's that time of year. The time of giving and glad tidings to all. And just to go to show you that Hollywood is as soulless as ever, we here at the SpeakEasy have decided to devote some time looking at a few of Tinseltown's attempts at cashing in on the Yuletide season...that commercial success known as Christmas, with some reviews of a genre we like to call....... |
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| (1964) Jalor Productions Director: Nicholas Webster Starring: John Call, Leonard Hicks, Pia Zadora, and Jamie "Klinger" Farr |
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| Kris Kringle may be a very good distributor of toys and judge of character...but, he's no actor.... | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| ...that's the first thing I've always noticed about Jolly Ol' St. Nick. Outside of maybe Edmund Gwenn and Richard Attenborough (from A Miracle On 34th Street, the original and the remake, respectively), Santa's portrayal on screen has always been lacking. He's either a huge ham or downright nutty. John Call, who portrays El Santo Claus in this little ditty, reminds me alot of Oliver Hardy whenever he'd catch the eye of a pretty girl...kinda bufoonish and with no sense whatsoever. Plus, he seems to be a little senile. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I first discovered this film in junior high school (with the help of an English teacher, who was a fan) and it holds a special place in my memory, for it was my introduction to the world of "bad movies". It's become a holiday tradition in my household to watch it at least once during the yuletide season. It's one of those films that makes you wonder, "How the hell did this ever get produced?", and then, "I really don't care, but I'm glad somebody was hittin' high on the goofy meter the day they came up with the premise." | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| The Plot: We open with a special newscast from the North Pole, where we find Santa hard at work, along with his elves (translation: midget actors) getting ready for the upcoming 1964 holiday season. Kris Kringle, when questioned, seems to be somewhat lucid, failing to remember the names of his reindeer team and just generally a mess. It makes one wonder if random drug screening is practiced at his workshop, because such behavior may stem from whatever he's smoking in his pipe. Though, he may need it, because during the same interview, Mrs. Claus seems to be in dire need of some thorazine herself, acting incredibly moody, bossing Santa around one minute and then in hysterics about her looks the next..... Then, we shock cut to (you guessed it!) Mars! |
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| Someone should tell Pia Zadora (right, age 8) that her career ain't gonna really get any better..... | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| It seems that there's a crisis on Mars. All the Mars kids are starting to lack emotion and do nothing but watch television all day. This worries Keymar, the Mars dad. Obviously, this society discovered Ritalin way earlier than we did. Keymar seems to be insome position of authority on the Red Planet, and summons a council of his peers to meet with Chuchum, some crazy quack that lives in the woods and resembles Shazam the wizard, who informs them that their Stepford children need a Santa Claus...and then explodes. Here, we also meet Boldar, the villain of the flick. You can tell he's evil because, 1.) he wants the children of Mars to saty in their catatonic bliss, and 2.) he has a really bad 1970s porn star mustache. Plus, he's really grumpy all the time, and he picks on the comedy relief Martian, Droppo. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| An example of advanced Martian technology...the loveable TORG!. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| The Martians decide that they must kidnap Santa, and travel to Earth. There, they discover the wacky Droppo has stowed away with them, and then kidnap two Earth children, Billy and Betty, to help them find Santa's workshop. Boldar tries to kill the kids using TORG, the goofy-ass robot, but fails. Martian technology may not be as advanced as they let on, because when Keymar sics TORG on Santa, the robot is overcome by the magic of Christmas, or something, and cannot react, because Santa rationalizes he's nothing more than a big toy. Saint Nicholas agrees to come to Mars and set up a toy making factory, which Boldar tries and sabotage, and hi-jnx ensue. After Keymar saves the kids from the evil machinations of Boldar a final time (look for a pre-"M*A*S*H" Jamie Farr as one of his Martian henchmen...ya can't miss the nose), Santa bids the spacedudes a farewell and elects Droppo official Santa of Mars. The End. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Even in it's early days, the Weekly World News was worth a few laughs...... | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| An all-time classic of poor filmmaking and cheap production, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is a must see for anyone interested in B-films, and over the years has garnered a cult following that it dearly deserves. And, it's Pia Zadora's first film, to boot..... |
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| Next week: Lassie's 1958 episode: "A Christmas Story | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Droppo Claus: Ho Ho Hopeless.... | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||