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| Special Report!!! | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| Ya know...there are some times in my life when I figure that I'm not really accomplishing anything with my existence. Coming up on the age of 30 soon has alot to do with it, in my opinion. And, there are several times during the course of a day that I question whether or not I'm happy with my work. So, armed with the knowledge I've garnered from thousands of bad films, I've decided to use it to try out some professions that seem to look like they're either fun or more profitable than my own.......this time around: The Escort of Ladies of the World's Oldest Profession...aka, Big Pimpin' HKC-Style | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Rudy Ray Moore, aka "Dolemite" | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The Hong Kong Cavalier, also known as "Sexual Vanilla" | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Now...I realize that to enter any new profession, it is important to educate oneself in the proper procedures and methods of the vocation. So, doing what I know, I re-watched my Xenon Home Video DVD copies of Dolemite and The Human Tornado , starring the loveable Rudy Ray Moore as the baddest-ass pimp on Earth, Dolemite. I also viewed the excellent Hughes' Bros. documentary, American Pimp (which I own a VHS of), making sure to pay special attention to the manner of dress and speech employed by those future fraternal brothers of mine. After a few "Where my money at?", "I gots the fine jewelery and threads.", and "Bitch, I'll cut you!" 's , I felt that I had the vocabulary down, and then proceeded to score some "fine-ass threads" (see picture at right). I also learned that because of the violent people the job seems to attract, I'd better learn me some wicked-ass kung-fu, because I may be a "playa" now, but the "game" seems to be fairly rough. Watching several episodes of The Green Hornet on tape helped alot in this matter....I can now be classified as a "Bad Mutha...."....SHUT YO' MOUF! I'm just talkin' 'bout HKC, baby.... | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| Seperated at birth? | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Now, that I'd established my "look" and "game", I figured I needed an affectionate street name. Y'know, something the ladies could refer to me by, and/or a clever alias to befuddle the "fuzz" with, because as you know, The Man is always out to get me. After several minutes of inner debate, I settled on "Sexual Vanilla". It had a nice ring to it, and was full of enough innuendo and reference to my ethnic background to make a nun blush. So, after all this careful planning and preperation, I was ready to hit the street. Or so I thought..... | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| As anyone knows, networking is an important part of entering any new market, establishing contacts is essentail when you're a new retailer. Dolemite had The Creeper, who always "hipped" him to market info...so I tracked down someone for the purposes of this report we'll refer to as "Ron"...because, well that's his name, I guess. Ron's a friend of mine and my sister's, and seemed like as logical choice, because he's seen "Dolemite" flicks before (we've discussed them) and he's an incredibly funny guy. I don't know what help he was in the networking thing, though, because he seemed more inclined to don my hat and leather trenchcoat, to help work his own "game". But, all in all, it was hilarious. Good help is hard to find these days, I guess.... Let me tell you one thing, scoring ladies for one's stable isn't the easiest. Any business knows that they must have inventory, beforehand, to insure a profit. No one seemed to take me seriously in my "pimp gear", though I did get a few phone numbers, to which I'll use for my own personal use, business be damned. |
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| The Artist formerly known as "Ron" | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The only thing that disappoints me about the whole endevour was not being able to "kick some cracka muthaf*ckas ass" with my newly aquired kung-fu (which is truly an awesome ability, for the advertisement promised me "Ultimate Power!!!!" ). But all in all, I fear that I'm not of proper pimp stock. Too much spectacle and pomp, not enough profit. It seemed that just preparing for the job cost more than I could possibly rake in, what with all the clothes and necklaces, not to mention a "mean pimp ride". And there seemed to be no benefits plan in sight, with the exception of those of the carnal variety....but man cannot live on love alone. Maybe the lack of an organized dental plan explains all the gold teeth pimps possess. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| Final thoughts: Pimpin' ain't easy, but it sho' is fun..... | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||