Introduction

Part 1:  Choosing Your Bad Movie...or, Pick Yer Poison

Choosing a Bad Film can be an experience almost as humorous as watching it, if ya play your cards right... Usually, I follow a few simple rules and perform a couple of easy rituals: 1.)  Avoid chain rental and retail stores-  When yer looking for the best tasting food, ya never go to McDonald's.  Instead, ya hit the dirtiest, "greasy spoon" you can find.  And that's exactly what "Bad" films are....junk food for the head. Stay away from Blockbuster/ Hollywood Video like the plague.  Their stock is usually pretty anticeptic and dry.  Local "mom n' pop" independently owned rental shops are like the promised land when it comes to discontinued and/or long out-of-print VHS.  For purchases, I tend to haunt second-hand shops, used VHS sales, fleamarkets....it seems that all the really bad and obscure stuff seems to trickle down into those venues.  For this experiment, I hit  First Choice Video, a locally owned chain (if ya can call 3 stores a "chain" ) whose Wilmington, Ohio location has a killer horror and sci-fi section....and their used VHS sales always kick ass....last week I picked up an extra copy of the Embassy Home Video release of Billy the Kid vs. Dracula, long OOP, for a measley 4 bucks...

2.)  Find titles that insult your intelligence-  For every "Gone With The Wind" and/or "Citizen Kane", there's about three "Santa Claus Conquers the Martains" and/or "Hercules Against the Moon Men".  Trust me on this....I've seen 'em.  General rule of thumb is that the stupider the title, the worse the film.  Examples of this are: Rat Pfink a Boo Boo, Samson Versus the Vampire Women, Plan 9 From Outer Space, etc.,....but sometimes, the "diamond in the rough" factor takes effect and you'll stumble across an "Evil Dead" or "Assault on Precinct 13"...but I digress....cheesey and/or lame box art can be another deciding factor....especially if the artwork contains models not present in the actual film...or an explosion.  Explosions tip the consumer of to the fact that there probably isn't enough action in the flick inside, so they had to beef it up externally.

First Choice Video- Wilmington, Ohio

Once you settle upon the torment....I mean, film...of your choice (which, if by following the above guidelines, shouldn't be that hard, for it seems that there's a surplus of films with titles that insult the general public's intelligence...well, the majority of, anyways) then you're pretty much set.  For the purposes of this little experiment, I chose a title that I was familiar with somewhat (I'd read alot about it, yet never seen the actual film)- FOREVER EVIL, a 1987 production which is the result of the writing talents of one Freeman Williams, an aquaintance of mine whom I've corresponded with in the past (he hooks me up with writing gigs over at Attack of the 50ft DVD) who I consider an alright joe, a kindred spirit that shares alot of the same interests that I do.  Also known as "Dr. Freex", web-guru of the highly informative and witty Bad Movie Report, a site devoted to the Doc's love for the sub-genre of "bad" movies and a true labor of love.  Doc also has the distinction of actually having been involved in the genesis (as writer) and later execution of the production (as an actor) of a film that has become regarded as "bad" by many a hardened critic, the aforementioned horror flick (pictured at left).  So....he was an easy target.

Our victim: Freeman "Doc Freex" Williams

Spooky, eh?

Next...choosing the proper viewing enviroment is a neccessity.  Forget fancy, smancy surround-sound, plasma television, IMAX, 3-D wonder machinery....basically all ya need is a friend's apartment, a VCR, and a TV.  Because, trust me...these things can get messy, especially with alcohol involved.  No need tearing down the walls of your own pad, eh?  My excuse for the night was either something to do with fumagation...dirty laundry...radon leak....hell, any combination of those will have 'em beggin' ya to use their "crib" (as you can see, I'm "hip" to all the "groovy" lingo all the kids use today).  Luckily, they also had a computer...so's I could play around on the ol' information superhighway while they cleaned up their place.  I mean, it's the least they could do for a guest, right?  I'd do it for them...if it was for that pesky fumegation/radon thing......plus, I got new carpet, and beer stains kinda clash with the color, y'know?

Googling for "whoopee_cushion.wav"

Continue to Interlude One