It was an inspired plan, in my opinion. I fucked myself that night… And all so that Justin could live his dreams, grow up, and find out who he was. Don’t assume that I’m taking credit for the awesome success that Justin has become. I’m not. I just knew that Justin could be something great. I also knew that if he and I stayed together, he wouldn’t get to do all the things he dreamt of doing.
So I sent him away.
And it nearly killed me.
But I was right.
So, five years after our quasi-relationship came to an end, I was standing outside the chic gallery looking in at Justin’s first big opening. I suppose that was how it had been for those last five years, and it’s what I’d become accustomed to. Looking in at Justin’s life from the outside. I had kept tabs on him over the years, having had an almost compulsive need to know that he was all right, but I had never taken steps to contact him. And vice versa.
The last time I’d even seen him in person was the night about a month after the infamous RAGE party when he came by the loft to drop off a cheque for the tuition money he owed me. Apparently, upon hearing that the “child molester” was out of his son’s life, Craig had agreed to pay Justin’s tuition. Apparently, Craig Taylor was actually fond of the fantastic fiddler.
Since that day, not a word was exchanged between the two of us. And now, standing outside the gallery watching him sip champagne and smile with all of our old friends, I wasn’t sure that I wanted to talk to him again. I was terrified to even let him know that I was here. It made me feel weak and I didn’t like it.
I knew Justin had a boyfriend. I had been subjected to hearing all about him from Emmett, who apparently talked to Justin on a regular basis. Marc. Curly haired, fresh-faced, bright eyed, adorable Marc. He and Justin had been together for over a year and, from what Emmett told everyone, the couple seemed to be blissfully happy in their little homo love bubble. Justin had everything he wanted, the successful art career and the perfect man. I wanted to be happy for him, I really did. And I tried… didn’t work.
I asked myself, once again, what I was doing at Justin’s opening. Finding the invitation in my mailbox just over a month earlier, I’ll admit, threw me and I promised myself that I wouldn’t attend. When I found out that I was going to be in New York on business that week anyways, I figured I had an excuse to attend without having to make special travel plans. But still, I was standing outside and I couldn’t make myself go inside. It felt like I was watching a movie. All of the beautiful people were inside smiling and happy, and I was on the outside living my mostly unhappy life. And I couldn’t make myself move to go in. Deciding that I was just going to leave before anyone saw me, I straightened my coat and turned on my heel to leave. I didn’t want to open up any old wounds by seeing Justin again. It had taken me too long to make them scar over to make them bleed again.
“Brian!” I heard his familiar voice call from behind me. For a moment I considered pretending not to hear and continuing to walk away, but decided against it.
I turned to face him slowly; afraid that looking at him up close, without the window keeping him inside, would bring back old feelings. He was dressed very “artsy” in his slim black pants, charcoal gray cashmere sweater, and leather coat. He looked good. His cheeks were pink from the autumn chill in the air, his eyes were wide, and his expression was mixture of hurt and confusion.
“Hi, Sunshine.” I said quietly.
“You weren’t going to come in.” It wasn’t a question. I knew that he had seen me through the window and, knowing how perceptive he was, saw my inner battle before I turned and walked away.
“Nah.” I shook my head, trying to keep it emotionless.
“Why not?”
I shrugged, trying to think of a suitable “Brian Kinney” response. “It’s getting late and I figured I’d go hit the clubs while I’m in town.”
“You haven’t changed, have you?” Justin shook his head and frowned.
I frowned too, wishing that I had the courage to show him how much I had changed. In the five years since we last spoke, I had become the man he needed me to be then, but I wasn’t willing to admit it. “Who needs to change? The way I live my life makes me happy.” Another lie.
“You’re really happy?” There was a definite vulnerability about Justin that I remember from those first months that we knew each other, but that I thought I had snuffed out and replaced with cynicism.
“Of course I’m happy.” I shrugged. I wondered if he knew the truth. I wondered if he knew that I buried myself in my work, so that I didn’t have to face the reality that the life that made me happy for so many years had ceased being enough. In an attempt to get the conversation off the topic of my happiness quotient I asked, “So, are there any paintings of me naked on the walls in there?”
“A couple.” Justin grinned, obviously a little embarrassed.
“Anyone buying?”
"Those ones aren’t for sale. Although, there’s one that I’m pretty sure Michael is vying for.” He chuckled for a moment before his face turned serious again. “I guess you wanna get going to the clubs.”
“Yah.” I nodded, thinking on my feet. What would the old Brian say? “Gotta get there before all the hot guys are taken.”
“Thank you for coming… Even if you didn’t come in.” Justin smiled and I felt my heart clench.
“It was good seeing you, Justin. Congratulations on the show.” I said, sticking out my hand awkwardly to shake his. It felt really odd to offer my hand to Justin like that, so I was glad when he stepped closer and wrapped his arms around me in a tight hug.
“It was good seeing you too, Bri.” Justin seemed to hold on for a few moments longer than I had expected him to, but I actually didn’t mind. After we let go of each other, we stared for a couple of seconds before he turned and walked inside.
***
Sitting alone in my room later that night with my good friend Jack Daniels, I lost myself in memories of Justin. It had been a long time since I had let myself remember. I suppose it was seeing Justin earlier that night that brought the memories to the surface. I could still feel him pressed up against me in that hug on the street. I could feel the softness of his cheek against my own, the firm muscles in his arms that had replaced the soft flesh that was once there… As I lost myself in the memories, I slipped one hand slowly down over and my chest and abdomen and undid the silver buckle at my waist.
I was barely aware of my own actions as I pictured Justin and me entwined together in my bed at the loft. The images running through my mind were making me ache. I didn’t even realize that I had unbuttoned my pants until I grasped my hard cock and a soft moan escaped my lips.
As I stroked myself, I closed my eyes and images floated through my mind. Memories of Justin and I fucking intertwined with images of holding him in the middle of the Manhattan street. I could almost smell him and feel his body against my own. Remember the feeling of him again caused fresh beads of pre-cum to seep from my slit. I collected it with my finger tips and rubbed it over the length of my cock, making my soft ministrations easier. I pictured Justin on his knees in front of me, teasing me with his hand, looking up at me before opening his mouth and pulling my cock inside.
I moved my hand up to my chest and pulled gently at my nipples, alternating between one and the other. Normally I would try and prolong it more, but all I wanted at that moment was release. I moved my hand a little faster, a little tighter on my pre-cum soaked cock, striving for the release my body was begging for. I threw my head back and concentrated on the sensations and the vision of Justin beneath me with his head thrown back in ecstasy as I brought myself closer and closer. Pre-cum oozed from my slit now and ran down the length of my cock as I pumped faster and faster.
Just as I felt my body tense and my toes curl and I felt myself about to cum, there was a loud knock on the door. “Fuck!” I practically screamed, as I was snapped from my masturbatory bliss, angry at being interrupted. I stood and pulled my jeans back up to my hips and buttoned them up. “I’m going to hurt you, Mikey.” I grumbled as I walked to the door. “What the fuck are you…” I started as I swung the door open, expecting to see Michael on the other side. Instead, I found Justin standing there looking nervous.
“Uhm, hi.” Justin bit his lip and lowered his lashes. My now softening cock jumped in my pants and I willed it to stay down. “Uhm, Michael told me where you were staying. Don’t be mad at him. I had to bribe him.”
“You paid him?” I asked raising an eyebrow.
“I gave him the painting he wanted.” Justin admitted.
“I thought you didn’t want to part with that one.” I couldn’t help but feel a little hurt that Justin would give the painting of me away.
“I’d rather have the real thing than paint on a canvas.” Justin admitted quietly.
I felt myself soften a little but then I hardened myself again. I didn’t want to let him get to me only to have him leave again. “So, does your boyfriend know that you’re paying me this little visit?”
“My ex-boyfriend moved to Los Angeles about a month ago.” Justin said as he ducked under my arm and into the room.
“What the fuck are you doing?” I asked, still standing in the doorway in shock. I couldn’t understand him.
“I’m coming in for a drink.” Justin said, sitting down at the table.
“Ok.” I said slowly as I closed the door and walked over to sit across from him. Feeling like I was going to need it, I gulped down my Jack, feeling it burn as it went down, and poured myself another. “What are you doing here, Justin?”
“It’s been a long time, Bri. I wanted to see you for more that five minutes.” Justin shrugged.
“So… you wanna… talk then?” Justin nodded. “So talk.” I didn’t know what he wanted to talk about and I didn’t feel like dancing around with small talk so I decided to let him start.
“Uhm, what are you up to these days? You know, with work.” Justin asked me uncomfortably. I wanted to laugh.
“Did you really come here to play catch up time and reminisce on the shitty old days?” I asked with amusement.
“Brian…” Justin started playing with the delicate chain at his throat. I didn’t know where to go with the conversation so I stayed silent. Normally I would have taken an opportunity like this to get the younger man into bed, but for some reason that didn’t seem like an option, no matter how much I wanted to be inside him again.
“For five years we haven’t spoken a word, we haven't written or emailed, or even told our friends to say hi for us. So why now?” I asked, feeling emotions begin to rise inside me.
“I wanted to call you so many times, Bri. But… Life went on.” Justin shook his head and looked defeated.
“Yes, that it did.” I gulped down another glass of Jack.
“Are you with anyone?”
“Am I with anyone?” I asked sardonically. “Do you remember who you’re talking to, Sunshine?”
“Last I heard you were seeing someone. Kevin?”
"You asked about me?” I had to admit I was surprised that he knew anything about my life, but then it dawned on me. Emmett. I was right.
“Emmett tells me what’s going on in the Pitt.” Justin looked up at my seriously. “But he didn’t tell me whether that’s still a thing.”
“It’s not.” I poured myself another Jack, but added some coke to it this time, needing to stay in control.
“I… uhm… hear you’re in New York a lot on business.” Justin was attempting to carry the conversation and I almost felt bad for not helping him.
“Uh huh.” Not bad enough apparently, though.
“Maybe we could have dinner next time you’re in town?” Justin suggested.
“What the hell is this about, Justin?” I demanded, angry that he was trying to be my friend. I didn’t understand how he thought that would be possible.
“What’s what about?” He asked, startled.
“You. Coming here. Acting like we’re friends.”
“Brian…” He began, but I didn’t let him finish.
“Five years ago you handed me a fucking cheque and walked out of my life without so much as a backwards glance or a phone call along the way. And now you come here…” I cursed myself for letting my emotions out the way that I was and I stopped dead.
“You think it was easy for me?” Justin demanded, angry himself now.
“It didn’t seem particularly fucking difficult!” I exploded, turning to look at him.
“Well, news flash! Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do! And don’t act like you begged me to stay! You practically packed me up and pushed me out the door!” Justin stood and walked over to where I was leaning against the wall now with my drink in hand.
“You’re blaming me for the fact that you cheated and ran off with the fantastic fiddler?” I’m sure my eyes were blazing at this point. “You moved on to bigger and better.”
“I loved you, for fuck sake, and you couldn’t even give me monogamy!” Justin pushed his hand through his hair with frustration.
With all of the left over hurt and frustration coursing through me, I forgot to keep the mask on and I let my feelings pour out. “I gave you a hell of a lot more than you gave me.” I said coldly.
“What? Money and a place to live?” I could see the regret on Justin’s face even as he said the words. He had essentially accused me of keeping him as my whore.
“Fuck. You.” I slammed my drink down on the dresser.
“Brian, I’m sorry.”
“For what? Are you sorry for making me feel something that I promised myself I wouldn’t feel and then walking out when you didn’t get your way? Or are you sorry for saying something you’ll regret in the morning?”
“Brian…”
“Answer the fucking question.”
“Yes! I’m sorry I left! But you didn’t give me a reason to stay!”
“Is that what it was about? You wanted me to give you a reason to stay?” I had always wondered if the fiddler was just a tool he was using to try and force my hand.
“Yes!” Justin practically screamed. “I wanted you to at least tell me that you wanted me around, that I was something more than a convenient fuck.”
“Obviously we were in two very different relationships.” I said sadly. I had always believed that I had showed my feelings through my actions. I broke all of the rules that, prior to his crashing into my life like a fucking crane, I had lived by. I even followed the stupid relationship rules that he set. “Let me tell you a little story. One day I got a new boss, and in order to keep my job I had to take a little trip when my boyfriend and I were supposed to take a holiday together. My boyfriend threw a tantrum and went on our holiday alone. Didn’t even leave a note.
“So then when I came home to celebrate my promotion with the one person I wanted to share it with, he was gone. I was saying, 'Your partner just made partner' to a great big empty loft. I had to find out from my friends where he went. And then my boyfriend came home in a mood because I wouldn’t tell him that I missed him.” I turned away from him then, unable to believe that I had actually opened up to him the way I had. Obviously the Jack was lowering my inhibitions.
“Your partner?” Justin asked.
“Yes, my fucking partner.” My voice was cold and quiet. “But apparently my partner felt different. A few weeks later he was fucking… oh sorry, making love with the oh so tortured, impoverished fiddle player.” The sarcasm dripped from my voice.
At this point, I had already let him see more of me than I ever had before. I stopped caring what I was saying. In some fucked up way it felt good to purge all of the emotional baggage that I had been carrying around for five years.
“Brian, I…”
“You what? You had no idea? Were you fucking blind? Everyone else could see it! Why couldn’t you? You needed the words and the fucking picnics on the floor and the roses?”
“I can’t change it now.” Justin sat back down at the table and poured himself some Jack Daniels as well.
“I’m not asking you to change it! I’m asking you to take some responsibility for your part in the demise of our so-called relationship.” I had to sit down; I was exhausted from letting so much emotion out.
“I do take responsibility.” Justin sat down next to me and I looked at him surprised by the move. “I’ve grown up a lot in the last five years and I realize that I fucked up. I was the one who gave up.”
“Then why are you here?” I asked, afraid of the answer.
“I missed you. I hoped that by coming here I could have you back in my life, if only a little.” Justin sighed. “Apparently, I was wrong and I still have a lot of growing up to do.”
For long moments after he said those words, we stared at each other in silence. Suddenly, as though we were both possessed, we attacked each other’s mouths with our own. Our tongues intertwined in passionate, erotic kisses.
“I want you!” Justin panted, breaking the kiss for only a moment. The barely whispered words set me on fire and I wrapped my arms around Justin and flipped him under me on the bed.
“Are you sure?” I asked, needing to be sure before I got to the point of no return.
“I’m sure!” He practically screamed, pulling my mouth to his. “I need you.”
With that cue, I began undressing him and assaulting his body with wet kisses and soft bites, causing him to arch his back in pleasure and beg for more. As I licked around his left nipple and then caught it between my teeth, a loud moan escaped his lips.
“More, Brian!” He begged, but I felt like making him wait a little longer.
I moved my mouth to the other nipple and teased with feather light flicks of my tongue before catching it between my teeth and biting down. I used my other hand to pinch his other nipple before licking and nibbling my way further down his torso.
When his hands moved down to unbuckle his pants, I caught both of them in one of my own and held them above his head. “No.” I said firmly as I circled my tongue around his belly button. “If I let your hands go, are you going to leave them where they are?” I asked as I gently outlined his hard cock through the soft wool of his pants. He nodded and I grinned.
I could feel him squirming as I gently, teasingly stroked him through his pants. When I moved my mouth away from his belly button and caught the head of his cock between my lips through the material, he moaned. “Oh, Brian!”
It was a sound I had missed and it encouraged me to move faster. I quickly unbuckled his pants and removed them, leaving him naked before me on the bed. “God, you’re still fucking beautiful.” I breathed as I ran my hands all over his body, trying to memorize every ridge and curve.
“So are you.” He pulled me down for a kiss and slipped his hands up under my shirt, rubbing his hands over my flesh. I abruptly stopped him and put his hands over his head.
“I’m in charge.” I reminded him roughly as I moved my mouth down over his torso, stopping to nibble on his hipbones before running my tongue over the head of his cock.
“Ungghh!!” He moaned. As I ran my tongue up and down the shaft and gently licked his balls he was quivering, needing more than the teasing licks. After I felt that I had teased him enough I captured the head of his dick between my lips. “Ohhhh!”
As I expertly worked my magic on his dick he became more and more vocal, his moans and pleas making my dick hard as a rock. When he moaned my name and begged me to fuck him, I lost it. I quickly shed my clothes, grabbed a condom and lube, and rejoined him on the bed.
“Don’t make me wait, Brian.” He panted, laying on his back and pulling his knees up to his chest.
“Patience, young grasshopper.” I teased, slapping his ass playfully.
As I prepared him with the lube and my fingers, he begged me more and more urgently to fuck him. When I finally knew he was ready, I positioned myself at his entrance and pressed myself inside him. It was like the first time and I couldn’t help but close my eyes and pause a moment reveling in the feeling of his tight, warm hole incasing my cock. When Justin started rocking against me, I grabbed his hips and started fucking him with all I had. We were both moaning and panting, sweat pouring from our bodies as we lost ourselves in each other.
As my orgasm approached I pushed as deep into him as I could and felt his body tense, clenching his muscles around my cock, milking it. “Oh fuck!” I moaned as I felt release. As I collapsed on top of him, not caring that I was getting sticky from his cum.
“That was in-fucking-credible.” Justin breathed, closing his eyes. I closed my eyes, exhausted from my own release, and let myself drift off the sleep.
When I awoke, the morning sun was streaming in through the big windows that covered one entire wall of my suite. I knew he wasn’t next to me anymore and I wondered if the previous night had all been a dream…
I turned and on the pillow on which he slept sat a small white card. Printed was his name, phone number, and email address. I picked the card up and flipped it over in my hand. On the back, in Justin’s bubbly scrawl was written, “Call me. Don’t let this be the end.”
I lay back on the pillow and closed my eyes. I didn’t know what I was going to do. So I just reveled in the memories and let myself drift away, trying not to think about calling him and not letting last night be the end, unsure of whether I could let it be a beginning.
Part 2 - Everything
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