There's a million things that I should never said
There's a million ways to know that I will never understand
I love you, yeah
But I'm wrong again
And if you said that you never want to see my face again
I'd make a stand
And if you put your fingers to my lips
I swear I would... I'd understand
-D. Devain
Justin POV
"Why did you choose me again?" Ethan asked, a tear on his cheek, two days after I said goodbye to Brian for the last time. I had been regretting my decision and it was obvious to anyone who I talked to. Including Ethan.
"I want us to work out, Ethan." I pleaded with him.
"No, you don't. I give you something that he couldn't, and that's the only reason that you're here. Problem is, he gave you a lot of things that I can't." Ethan was full out crying now and I knew right at that moment that he was ending it. It made me angry.
"So, that's it then?" I asked, my anger evident in the tone of my voice. "I choose you over Brian again, this time pushing him away for good, and you're ending it?"
"See, Justin? The only reason you're mad I'm ending it is because you don't think you can get Brian back now." Ethan wiped his eyes. "I asked you to choose between him or me because I thought you might actually wise up and choose to be with the man you love. And that's not me." Sounding and looking defeated, Ethan made his way to the door.
"Where are you going?" I demanded.
"Somewhere else. I need you to be gone when I get back." With that, he closed the door. And the silence was deafening as I came to terms with the fact that I had fucked up again and this time, I was alone because of it.
As I started packing my things I thought about Brian's words "You’ve made your choice, now fucking live with it. Get the hell out of here. Have a nice life. And don’t ever fucking try to contact me again." Did he really mean it? Did he really want me out of his life forever?
"Maybe I should just be alone for a while..." I said with a sigh as I started packing my things, moving on to wondering where I was going to live.
***
Brian POV
"So, guess who has taken up camp on my couch?" Michael asked me, pacing in front of me. I already knew the answer. I had gone by earlier to see Mikey thinking maybe he could make me feel better. I saw Justin unpacking his things from Daphne's car. Apparently his never seeing me again wasn't enough for the Fabulous Fiddler.
"Justin?" I decided that I didn't want to play the guessing game with Michael, not at all in the mood.
"Yes! Emmett invited him! They're sitting around in their pajama's watching old movies and eating ice cream by the pint! You'd think that the fucking sky was falling!" Michael obviously wasn't impressed with Justin's presence in the apartment and I knew why. He always was too protective of me, never able to put aside my feelings to determine his own.
"So veto it."
"I tried!" Michael cried. "Emmett got all queeny and started hissing at me that his little Sunshine was absolutely devastated that he lost the love of his life." That stung. I wondered how it was possible that my very best friend didn't know me well enough to know that his calling Ethan the love of Justin's... my Justin's... life would fucking hurt.
"So stay with Ben for a few days. And the shut the fuck up about it." I turned and walked to the kitchen, grabbing the bottle of Beam from the counter. A couple shots of bourbon and I'd be on my way to a nice little buzz to get me through the evening. Seemed like the last few days had been a constant drug and alcohol inflicted haze and I preferred to keep it that way. Life without Justin was so much easier with the numbing effects of alcohol dulling the pain.
How pathetic am I? I asked myself, looking down at the bottle.
“I don’t know how I’m going to deal with that little shit being underfoot all the time.” Michael went on as if I had never spoken. I rolled my eyes, thinking to myself that my best friend had absolutely no clue.
“Mikey?” I said, sarcasm dripping in my tone as I said his name, waiting until I had his attention to speak again. “Why don’t you shut up and deal with it instead of sitting there whining about it?”
I lost myself in the oblivion provided to me by the bottle of Beam as Michael went on and on about how great things were with Ben and how things at the comic book store were starting to really pick up.
“I put out an ad for a new artist to illustrate Rage.” This comment caught my attention. “The first issue is almost all gone and there’s a huge demand for another one.”
“Have you talked to Justin about that?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Why should I talk to him about it?” Michael asked, looking proud of himself.
“Because he is one of the creators of Rage and he has rights.” I told him, pushing my fingers through my hair and sighing. “If you don’t want a lawsuit on your hands, you better talk to him.”
“I don’t want to talk to that little shit.” Michael said, crossing his arms and looking something like a three year old who didn’t want to go to bed.
“What’s your big problem with him anyways?” I asked, knowing the answer but wanting a reason to tell him to stop being a child.
“He cheated on you.”
“So? How exactly did that effect you? He didn’t do anything to you, Michael, so I suggest you grow up and stop feeling things on my behalf.” There, it was out. But, to be honest, I didn’t feel any better.
“I’m just trying to be your friend, Brian!” Michael exclaimed.
“We’re not in junior high anymore, Michael. You can be my friend and his friend too.” I shook my head and knocked back some more of my Beam. “Michael, I think you’d better go.” I said quietly, needing him to be gone. Talking about Justin was killing me, and he didn’t even realize it. I started thinking to myself that Justin would have been able to tell I was upset about something just by my body language.
“But Brian…” Michael started to whine and I had to stop myself from saying something hurtful.
“Now, Michael.” I said in the firm tone of voice that I use when I’m saying no to Gus.
“Good night, Brian.” Michael said quietly, knowing that the conversation was over. Just as I was about to close the door, Michael turned. “If you love him still, fight for him.” With that, I closed the door and walked back to the couch.
How had I been so wrong to think Michael was so clueless about what I was feeling. I mean, he was my oldest friend, he knew me pretty well. Or was my mask starting to crack? Could everyone see what was wrong with me? I shook those thoughts off, telling myself that everyone still thought I was the Brian Kinney who didn’t give a shit. But I wasn’t. And that drove me crazy.
***
Justin POV
I had to admit that being with Emmett was making me feel a little better. Sure, he coddled me a little too much and definitely tried to feed me too much, but I felt like he really understood. I think he knew, without needing words, that it wasn’t heartbreak over losing Ethan that I was feeling. It was that I was finally feeling the heartbreak of really losing Brian. Emmett just sat with me, silent when he wasn’t trying to stuff food into my mouth.
I sat there and thought about all of the things that had happened to get me to the point I was at. It had all started that first night when I ventured out of my safe, quiet suburban life in search of something that would make me feel alive. And I found him. Maybe that’s why I felt like I was dying inside after losing him.
I was definitely taking on characteristics of the drama princess Brian accused me of being all that time ago. I kept telling myself that it was okay, that I was allowed to be like this after all that happened. I mean, after the bashing I felt paralyzed with fear, but I never cried about it. Not directly anyways. Real men don’t cry, my dad always used to tell me. But I guess by my dad’s standards, I’m not a real man anyways.
And after leaving Brian, choosing Ethan instead, I never cried. I told myself that I was getting a better deal this way. I’d have a man all to myself, I’d have the romantic sentiments that the idealist teenager part of me longed for. I never admitted to myself that while I wanted all those things, the only person I wanted them from was Brian. Ethan was nothing in comparison.
Even when Ethan told me to choose never to see Brian again or choose to lose him, I chose against Brian. I still couldn’t figure out why, maybe I was hoping I’d somehow find the blinding, passionate love that I felt with Brian with Ethan after all. Man, was I wrong.
“Honey? Do you want some more ice cream?” Emmett asked me gently, slipping an arm around my shoulders. I think that there must have been a look on my face every time I thought about choosing Ethan because every time I did, Emmett offered me more food.
“I’m fine, Em. Thanks.” I tried to force a smile, but I’m sure it looked more like a look of distaste.
“Well, anything you need, baby, I’m here.”
That made me feel good and I think a real smile appeared on my face… and then Michael walked in the door. I knew he hated me for what I had done to Brian, but I was sure that I hated myself more. When I looked up at him, I was surprised to see him looking at my curiously.
“Justin, can I talk to you alone for a minute?” Michael asked softly.
“Michael.” Emmett’s voice had a tone of warning and I know he was sure that Michael was about to go at me about Brian.
“It’s ok, Em. Can you leave us alone for a minute?” I asked. I wasn’t so sure myself that Michael wasn’t about to rip me a new one, but I wanted to hear what he had to say.
Emmett looked at me briefly and then exited the room, closing his bedroom door behind him. Michael opted to sit in a chair as apposed to sitting with me on the couch and I figured that the conversation coming wasn’t going to be pleasant.
“If we’re gunna be friends, I need to know something.” Michael said slowly, looking me directly in the eye. Unable to make myself speak, I simply nodded. “Why didn’t you choose Brian?”
I looked down at my hands folded in my lap. “I guess I thought Ethan had something that I needed that I couldn’t get from Brian.” I said quietly, my voice raspy.
“Love?” Michael asked, surprising me with his directness. I nodded. “He gave it to you, Justin. In the only ways he knew how.”
“I know.” I bit back the tears, willing myself not to cry in front of Michael. Sometime during my self pity party that day, I had figured that out and it only made the sting worse.
“I was talking to him today, complaining that you were here.” Michael took a moment to put his thoughts into words before continuing. “I hated you, until he told me to shut up and asked me what you did to me. I thought about that the whole way back here. And I realized what you did to me. You had the only thing I wanted for most of my life, and you gave it up.”
“Michael…” I began.
“No, let me finish.” He took a deep breath. “Until you came around, I was hoping that Brian would finally fall in love with me, like I had always hoped he would. And then, that first night, I knew you’d be different than any other trick.”
I wanted to speak, but I didn’t know what to say to him.
“And you were. He loves you, Justin. More that he’s ever loved anyone. Including me. If the reason that you’re not with him is because you don’t think he loves you, I’m telling you that he does.” Michael stopped and looked at me. I was so overcome with emotion that I jumped off the couch and threw my arms around him, letting the tears flow freely.
“Thank you, Michael.” I whispered, not knowing what else to say. I was overcome with emotion that Michael would say that to me.
“Do you love him?” He asked me, sounding as though he was on the verge of tears himself.
“More than anything.” I said, pulling back from Michael.
“Do something about it.” With that, Michael stood and left the room silently. I’m not sure how long I cried after he left, but I know it was a long time. I couldn’t stop the flow of tears caused by all the regrets I had over the mistakes I made.
I’m wrong again
I guess I never understood the way you feel….
Final Part
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