And I can’t stop pretending
That you’re forever mine
And I,
I can’t dream anymore
Since you left
I miss you singing me to sleep
I can’t wake anymore
In your arms
I miss you singing me to sleep
A bolt of lightning crashed outside the window and bathed the room in bright light for only a moment. During that short flash, Justin caught site of Ethan’s sleeping face and he suddenly knew that with Ethan was not where he belonged. He couldn’t stay.
Justin slipped slowly from the bed, careful not to wake Ethan from his slumber. Now isn’t the time to tell him, he thought. Right now, I just have to go to Brain.
Justin dressed quickly and slipped out of the apartment, pretending not to hear Ethan’s name as he was roused from sleep and saw Justin’s shadowed form moving towards the door. Once outside, Justin began to run. After all that had happened, he was terrified that Brian would turn him away, or have a trick staying at the loft… He wasn’t sure that he should go to Brian anymore, but still, he kept running.
***
“Get out.” Brian said to the young blond trick whose name he couldn’t remember immediately after he came.
“What?” The trick, obviously still too young to know the rules of the game, asked with genuine confusion. Brian groaned inwardly, he hoped that this trick wouldn’t be another like Justin. Justin. He shook the thought away, there was no one in the world like Justin.
“Leave. I can’t sleep with you here.” Brian slipped on a pair of comfortable pants and walked out of the bedroom and into the kitchen to pour himself a drink. Moments later, the trick emerged from the bedroom, now fully dressed.
“So, I’ll see you around?” The young man asked hopefully.
“You’ll see me.” Brian said noncommittally.
Once the trick was gone, and the loft door was closed again, Brian sat down, drink in hand, and listened to the storm that was raging just beyond the brick walls of his loft. The storm brought with it memories of his time with Justin. These days, everything he did, everything that happened around him, reminded him of the blond haired, blue-eyed boy who had wormed his way into his life, the storm was no different.
The first time Brian had experienced Justin’s fear of storms was a few days after Justin had moved into the loft the very first time. Brian had gotten angry at Justin for something he couldn’t even remember now, and had gone to Woody’s, leaving Justin alone. When Brian returned, in the wee hours of the morning, the storm was still going strong. Opening the door to the loft, he saw Justin sitting on the sofa shaking like a leaf and wide-awake. That night was the first time Brian really held the younger man, rocking him to sleep and whispering calming words in his ear.
Every night that there was a storm since that night, Brian cradled Justin in his arms until sleep came for both of them. There were so many nights when the thunder clapped and the lightning crashed, when Justin played it cool, pretended not to be scared. But Brian saw through it, and all he wanted to do was protect the younger man.
His cell phone’s shrill ring brought Brian back from the maze of memories he had found himself in. When he looked at the call display, he saw the number he recognized as the payphone on the corner of his street. Assuming that it was the trick he had recently kicked out of his bed, he was annoyed.
“What?” he demanded.
“B… B… Brian?” He recognized Justin’s shivery voice immediately and ran to the window to look at the phone booth. Sure enough, illuminated under a streetlight and soaked to the bone stood Justin.
“Justin? Are you okay?” Brian panicked, as he often did when it came to Justin, convinced that something was wrong.
“The storm…” Justin’s voice was shaking and his teeth were chattering.
“Come up. I’m waiting.” Brian said in a calming tone that made Justin realize that he had done the right thing in coming to his former lover. Brian clicked his phone closed and unlocked the door for Justin before running to his bedroom to get towels and a blanket.
A couple of minutes later, Justin stepped through the door of the loft looking cold and terrified. Brian moved over to him and wrapped a towel around the man before wrapping his arms around him as well. Justin was cold and shaking like a leaf and he swore to himself that he would make the boy feel better.
“I’m sorry to bother you, Brian.” Justin said, as he calmed down he was beginning to feel guilty about needing Brian as much as he did.
“Shhh…” was Brian’s only reply as he stroked Justin’s hair and led him towards the bedroom. “You’re freezing. Let’s get you into a warm shower.” Brian pulled himself away from Justin a little and was surprised when Justin held fast to him.
“Come with me. I need… I need to feel you with me.” Justin’s voice was hoarse and he sounded fragile.
“Are you sure?” Brian asked. He and Justin had barely seen or spoken to each other since the night of the RAGE party and Brian wasn’t sure how he would handle having Justin in such an intimate position.
“I’m sure.” Justin said, holding tight to Brian, forcing him to lead the way into the bathroom. Once in there, Brian helped Justin undress, feeling not only an ache in his groin, but also a dull ache in his chest.
Once they were under the warm spray of the shower, Brian thought that Justin would let go. He was wrong. Justin kept his body pressed to Brian from head to toe. He grabbed the soap and gently rubbed it over Justin’s cool, damp skin. “You’re cold.”
“I walked here.” Justin said, his head still nuzzled into Brian’s neck. He wanted to believe that it was only the storm that had him clinging to his former lover, terrified to let go, but he knew it was more than that.
“Come on, I think you’re warmed up now.” Brian said pulling Justin from the shower stall. Justin still held Brian like he was a lifeline. “Baby, you’re gunna have to let go so we can get dried off and go to bed.”
Once they were settled into bed, with Justin’s back pressed close again Brian’s chest, Brian gently whispered in the younger man’s ear, “Go to sleep now, Baby. I’m here.” Once Justin’s breathing evened out and Brian was sure he was asleep, he made a decision. Fearing that when morning came, Justin would leave and go back to Ethan he took a chance and whispered, “I love you, Justin. Always. No matter what.”
As Brian closed his eyes and let sleep take him, Justin let his eyes open and tried to process what Brian had just said. As he thought about it more, he got more and more confused. Brian just gave me the only thing that I needed, Justin thought, and he did it when he thought I was sleeping.
***
“Brian? Brian, wake up.” Justin whispered as the ray of the sunlight began to splinter through the blinds throwing shards of light onto the floor.
“Justin?” Brian asked groggily, assuming it was just another dream. His dreams of Justin came frequently and he was used to them. “What time is it?” He posed the question more to himself than to Justin, still believing that the younger man’s presence was a figment of his imagination.
“It’s almost noon, the clouds just broke.” Justin whispered. Brian’s eyes snapped open and he looked at Justin. It took him several moments to remember the events of the night before.
“The storm…”
“Yah.” Justin said quietly.
“Are you okay now?” Justin nodded. “Do you have to go home to what’s-his-name?”
“Not yet.”
Brian misunderstood Justin’s meaning and he became angry. “Isn’t he the one who’s supposed to hold you when you cry now?”
“Bri…”
“Why did you come here last night?” Brian asked.
“The storm…”
“Your boyfriend couldn’t hold you and sing you to sleep? Isn’t he supposed to be the guy who can give you everything? Isn’t that why you left?” Brian got up off the bed, needing to put some distance between himself and Justin.
“Only you can hold me and sing me to sleep. Only you can give me everything.” Justin said, sounding like the protagonist in some cheesy romance novel.
“Then why, Justin?” Brian asked, the pain he was feeling evident in his voice. “Why did you leave? And why are you leaving again?”
“I’m not leaving again. I’m going to get my stuff… and leave him.” Justin looked away, scared that Brian still wouldn’t forgive him. “Last night… Last night I realized that the romantic gestures and the loving words aren’t as important as what you give me.”
“And what’s that?”
“Tenderness. Actual love.” Justin looked back into Brian’s eyes. Brian turned away and started pulling his clothes on, unsure of how to have an emotional conversation with Justin. “Brian? Are you going to talk to me?”
“Justin…” Brian turned and looked at him. “You should go.”
“What?” Justin was shocked. Being told to leave was the last thing he expected.
“Come back later.” Brian turned and walked into the bathroom. Justin knew that he was expected to be gone by the time Brian emerged.
***
Justin wandered down Liberty rehearsing what he was going to say to Ethan. Upon checking his voice mail, he found that Ethan had called six times. He walked up to the old apartment building and looked up. He couldn’t believe that after only a couple of months of living there, he was going to be leaving again.
After leaving Brian’s loft that morning, Justin had gone to see Debbie Novotny and asked if he could have his old room back until he could find a place of his own. He knew that he wanted to be with Brian, but he also knew that it was going to take him before they could live together again. Debbie had been delighted and was expecting Justin that afternoon with his things.
“Where the fuck have you been?” Ethan demanded without looking up at Justin. “I was worried.”
“I went to Brian’s.” Justin admitted. “Last night…”
“Last night everything was fine and now you’re fucking your ex again?”
“I didn’t fuck him!” Justin exclaimed angrily.
“But you’re leaving me.” Ethan’s statement held no uncertainty. He knew that Justin would go back to Kinney eventually, he just hadn’t figured on it being this soon.
“Yes.” Justin said quietly.
“Are you moving back in with him?”
“No.”
“I’ll leave you alone to pack your things.” Ethan said coldly, grabbing his jacket off the back of a chair. “And don’t tell me you hope we can be friends. Let’s leave the bullshit out of this.” And then he was gone.
Justin packed his things quickly. There wasn’t much there. He still hadn’t removed all of his things from Brian’s loft. Before leaving he wrote a short note to Ethan saying goodbye and put it on the coffee table next to his key.
***
“Linds, I don’t know what to do.” Brian said as he and Lindsay sat on a park bench watching Gus playing in the sandbox.
“Those were never words I expected to hear from you.” Lindsay took his hand and held it in her own. “And I don’t know what to tell you.”
“He left, Linds. And I was just starting to get used to him being gone.” Brian rubbed his fingers through his hair. “And now he wants to come back. You should have heard him this morning. He sounded like a fucking fairy tale. He said that I can give him everything and that romantic sentiments and sweet nothings don’t mean anything compared to tenderness and real love.”
“Wow…” Lindsay whistled.
“I don’t know if I can do it, Linds… I don’t think I was ever supposed to have the fairy tale. And I don’t want to go through having him and losing him again.” Brian smiled as Gus stood up and his toes and dumped sand onto another kid’s head making a funny face as he did it.
“Gus! Be nice!” Lindsay scolded. “I see he has a little something of his father in him…”
“He doesn’t get that from me…” Brian laughed. Lindsay felt good seeing him smile.
“Do you love him?” Lindsay asked seriously.
“Gus? Of course I love him.” Brian said, still looking at his son.
“I meant Justin.”
“I… I… Linds…” At Lindsay’s look, Brian admitted it. “Yes. I love him.”
“Then my advice is to give him a chance.” Lindsay said.
Brian looked at her and considered what she had told him. Ever since they had become friends, he had trusted her advice and always took her opinion into account when considering things.
***
Brian slid open the door to the loft and found Justin standing there. Without saying a word he gestured for Justin to enter the loft. Justin sat down on the couch and looked at Brian expectantly.
“So, did you...?” Brian asked, hoping that Justin knew what he was talking about. Justin nodded.
“This afternoon. He knew that it was going to happen.” The silence in the room was awkward. Brian didn’t know how to express his feelings and Justin was waiting for him to do so.
“Ummm, so you wanna give us another shot?”
“Yes.”
“Ok. Let’s do it.” Brian nodded, unsmiling.
“You don’t look too happy about it.”
“I wanna do it right this time, Justin. No tricks, no bullshit rules, just us and trust.” Brian said.
“That sounds absolutely perfect.” Justin smiled dreamily, still acting like a southern belle in a romance novel. Brian stood and decided that, this one time, he would play along.
“But right now, all I want is to take you to bed, Justin Taylor.” With that, Brian swept Justin up into his arms and carried him to the bedroom. “Did you put on weight?”
“No.”
“Goddamn you’re heavy.” Brian teased.
“Just for that, you have to carry me to bed every time you want to fuck me now.” Justin nipped at Brian’s ear.
“It’ll be worth it once I get there though.” Brian dropped Justin onto the bed and dove in after him. Their lovemaking, while filled with all the passion that they had stored up in their time apart, was playful. The caressed and tickled and took their time, each of them wanting to save the moment.
Who knew that being afraid of storms could change someone’s life in just one day….
THE END