Say You’d Die If I Were Gone
Part 4 – Make Me Stay Series
Brian looked around his
apartment. He hated being alone, he hated the silence, so he hated coming home.
It had been three days since Justin dropped his bomb, “I need a commitment,” he
had said. Three days since Brian had started wrestling with himself trying to
figure out whether he could do it. He knew that he didn’t need the sex with
other men, not as long as he had Justin in his bed. It was the idea that he
wouldn’t have a choice that bothered him the most, not the fear that he
wouldn’t be satisfied.
Seeing Justin at the office, in meetings, was
driving Brian crazy. He wanted more than anything to sweep Justin up into his
arms and promise him anything he wanted. That scared Brian as well. He wanted
to make Justin happy, no matter what he had to do in order to do that. Brian
sat down on the couch and pulled out his phone.
“Hey. It’s Brian.” He said when the person he
was calling answered. “I need your advice.”
“My advice?” The voice asked strangely. “Since
when do you come to me for advice?”
“Since it has to do with Justin.” Brian said
solemnly. “Please, Emmett.”
“Well, well, well, Brian Kinney just said
please. I think I can be of assistance.” Brian could hear the smile in Emmett’s
voice. Surprisingly, out of all the people in Pittsburgh that Brian still kept
in touch with, Emmett was the one he trusted the most. “Spill.”
“He works with me, I’m sure you knew that
already.” Brian said.
“Linds told me.” Emmett lied. He had been
keeping in touch with Justin via e-mail, but he knew that if Brian knew that he
would close up completely. “Go on.”
“We went to LA for a few weeks and everything
was great. We were together. Then, we came back and he freaked. He wants
monogamy and the whole relationship thing.” Brian was surprised that he didn’t
shudder when he said the “R” word.
“What do you want?” Emmett asked.
“I want Justin.”
“Do you want him more than you want to trick?”
“I’m not sure.” Brian grumbled.
“I can’t tell you what to do if you don’t even
know what you want more.”
“I want Justin more.” Brian admitted through
gritted teeth.
“I think you just answered your own question.”
“But what if I can’t do it? And I hurt him
again, and lose him for good?” Brian sounded tortured and Emmett really felt
for him. He knew that Justin Taylor was the first person who ever really opened
the infamous Brian Kinney up.
“There’s always that chance, but you’ll never
know unless you try.” Emmett hoped that his two friends would get back together.
He knew that Justin was tortured and now he knew that Brian felt that way too.
“If we only did things that we knew weren’t going to hurt us, we would be
miserable.”
Brian sat silently thinking about Emmett’s
advice for a long time after they had hung up. He wondered if what Emmett said
was right. Was he miserable because he played it safe? He went to his closet
and pulled out the sketch that he had bought at the art show 6 years ago.
Had it really been that long?
6 years.
Brian fell back onto his back, eyes towards
the ceiling but not focusing on anything really. Images flashed in his mind,
images of his past with Justin.
Liberty Avenue, 2000. Justin, standing under a
lamp post in the mist of the night. He was so innocent then.
Babylon. Justin, dancing, moving beautifully
with the music. Dancing on the floor. Dancing on the King Of Babylon stage.
Dancing on the bar.
The Loft. Justin, on the bed, writhing,
panting, moaning, begging. Justin, on the bed, sleeping, smiling, laughing,
snoring, sketching.
The diner. Justin, delivering food with a
smile on his face. Justin, hearing the news that Brian was leaving.
The prom. Justin, smiling, dancing… Justin,
eyes closed, lying in his own blood, his blond hair taking on the color of the
blood.
More and more images of Justin kept appearing
in Brian’s mind. Memories of the things they had done and the moments they had
shared. The memories brought him back to the night that Justin left him. The
night at the loft in Pittsburgh when they said goodbye.
He stopped thinking about it. He reached up
and touched his cheek, feeling the wetness that had fallen from his eyes. He
couldn’t believe he had cried. Over a guy. Brian Kinney never cried over guys.
“Then Justin must be the one.” A voice in his
head urged him.
He agreed. He slipped his shoes on and ran out
to the Jeep. He had to see a man about a relationship. As he drove to Justin’s
apartment, he tried to figure out what he was going to say, but knew that as
soon as he saw Justin’s face, he would lose all of these thoughts and he would
have to wing it.
As he knocked on Justin’s door, he felt like
his heart was about to stop. He took a deep breath when he heard the locks
opening from the other side. Moments later, the door no longer separating them,
Brian and Justin stood staring at each other.
“Hey.” Brian said.
“Hey.” Justin was obviously uncomfortable.
“Uh, what are you doing here?”
“I need to talk to you.” Brian took Justin’s
hand and pulled him inside. He closed the door and sat Justin down on the couch.
He decided that with all that he had to say, and all the anticipation, he
shouldn’t sit. As he began pacing, he began to speak. “I know that you probably
think I’m an ass, and I probably am. But I have so much that I have to say.
“I have to tell you things that I never said
three years ago and that I never said three days ago.” Brian took a deep
breath. “I love you. That should be the first thing. I probably loved you since
that first night. I don’t know why I could never say it, never acknowledge it,
but I couldn’t. When you left, it was so cold, so emotionless. There was no
anger and no hatred, just silence. I hated that. I wanted to scream and I
wanted to tell you that it was all your fault. I wanted to tell you that you
shouldn’t have fallen in love with me.
“I’m not sure why I didn’t. I hated being
silent. It was making so crazy that, in some ways, I was glad when you were
gone. But in other ways, it was like I was half a person. I hate the term
‘other half’, but I think I finally understood it. I started working all the
time, there was nothing that I really wanted to do anymore, other that escape.
“When I came here, and I saw you, I couldn’t
help but hope that we could try again. When I came to your apartment, you were
so distant that I thought I definitely had no chance. So I avoided you, and
then when I couldn’t anymore, I went for it. And it worked while we were in LA.
“I don’t know what changed your mind. At first
I was blaming Davis’s niece, telling myself that it was the dyke’s fault. But
now I have no idea what brought it on. But I realize that the reason we never
lasted before was because I couldn’t give you what you need. So I thought about
things. I asked myself whether I could give up tricking, which isn’t really the
issue, it’s giving up the choice to trick that’s the hard thing.
“But I know that I can do it.” Brian stopped
pacing and looked into Justin’s eyes. They were wet with unshed tears and he
had his knees pulled to his chest. “So I guess I’m asking… Do you want to do
this?”
Justin stayed silent for several moments,
thinking about the impact of what Brian had just said to him. Not only had he
admitted that he loved him, but had asked him to have the relationship. Brian,
who was going crazy in the silence, started pacing again.
“Yes!” Justin suddenly exclaimed. “I want it
all!” Brian stopped pacing and ran to throw his arms around Justin. As they
kissed, he knew that he made the right decision.
“I love you.” Brian said between kisses. “I
love you so much.”
To Be Continued: Brian and Justin have to deal with coming out about not only
about their sexuality but about their relationship at work when they decide to
live together…..