Justin POV
I can’t help but wonder if there really is a god… Only a higher power could have made today as fitting for a funeral as it is. It’s going to rain, I can smell it. The sky is overcast and the wind is blowing slightly.
I came here today with my mom, I think she came mostly for Deb’s sake. I wish I could have come with Brian, I know how much he’s hurting. He didn’t ask me to come with him though. He has barely said two words to me since the accident. I think he blames himself for being late. Or maybe he blames me.
When he came back to the loft the other night, he looked like something the cat dragged in. His eyes were puffy and all red. When I asked him what was wrong, he just shook his head and walked into the bedroom. He wouldn’t let me near him all night. Actually, now that I think about it, he hasn’t touched me at all since before the accident. I want so badly to help, but I just don’t know what to do.
My mom just touched my arm gently and then walked over to Deb who had one hand in Brian’s and one hand in Vic’s. She looks like she hasn’t slept in a month, she isn’t even wearing her wig.
I must admit, I’m surprised at how many people showed up to the funeral. I didn’t know Michael had so many friends. I guess that’s because I tried to ignore Michael as much as possible. He did try, on several occasions, to make my life hell. He was so sneaky, pretending to be my friend and telling me bad things about Brian, things that in the end probably ruined our relationship.
I will miss him though. When he wasn’t trying to destroy my relationship with Brian, we had a good time and he was sort of like a big brother. I brought him an issue of Rage, I thought I’d be sneaky and slip it into the casket with him. I think he would have liked that.
***
Emmett POV
I’m still in shock at what happened. I mean, who would think that something like that could happen to our dear sweet Michael. Sure, he tended towards being whiney and annoying at times, but all in all he was a pretty good guy. He was my roommate. I don’t know if I can live there anymore, too many memories.
Deb looks like Hell. Brian is over there, it’s like he’s protecting her. When I talked to Justin earlier, he said that he thinks Brian blames himself. As sad as I am about Michael, I can’t help but be scared for Brian. People think I’m self centered and that I don’t know things about other people. But I do.
The one thing I know better than anything about Brian is that he’s scared and he’s self-conscious. And now, if he thinks it’s his fault that his best friend is going into the ground today, I’m terrified of him doing something really self-destructive. Like he always does when he’s hurting. And he’s damn sure hurting now. I can see it in his eyes.
And then there’s Deb. She was prepared to lose Vic, she’s been prepared to lose him for quite a while now. But I think that’s because she always thought that she’d have Michael there to help her get through it.
I don’t know what she’ll do now.
I guess I should take a look at him. I hope they made him look lovely. Debbie wasn’t going to have a viewing until someone said they’d like to see him one last time, they’d like to see him peaceful. I brought Michael a little something to sustain him when he heads up to that great big gay disco in the sky.
I can’t believe how they made him look… It’s like he’s alive. I almost wish that he actually looked dead. It might be easier to let him go if he looked dead. I’m such a queen, clutching my pearls and blubbering like a baby.
“Well, Michael, I hope you know how many people are here to see you and how many people love you. I brought you a little something to get by with.” I look down at the silk scarf in my hand. “No lady can live without a pretty scarf. I’m going to miss you, honey.” And then, when I can’t take it anymore, I see Ted and I make my way over to him. I know that he’s hurting. He loved Michael for so long.
***
Lindsay POV
There are so many people here. Attractive men by the dozens are making their way up to the casket to take a look at Michael. I can’t believe how many of them are crying. I never knew that Michael had so many friends. It doesn’t surprise me, he was always so sweet. Gus is squirming in my arms and wanting to go see his daddy, but I’m not sure now is the time.
Brian is standing with Deb, holding her hand, and he looks completely lost. I wonder where Justin is and then I see him standing alone in the corner, gazing at Brian with a worried look on his face. That concerns me. Justin should be comforting him. But if I know Brian, and I do, he’s probably been pushing everyone away, determined to deal with it on his own. It was the same way when Justin was bashed.
“Linds,” Mel says to me quietly, “Maybe we should take the bear over there. We have to slip it in there when no one is looking.”
I nod and we take Gus over to the casket with us. “Uncoo Micheww!” He shouts, seeing Michael’s face and wanting to touch him. When I start to cry, Melanie takes our son outside to try and quiet him down and to give me a minute to say my own goodbyes to Michael.
“I brought you a little something,” I say, my voice cracking as I try to calm my crying. “It was Gus’s when he was a baby. Do you remember? You gave it to him. It was always his favorite. It helped him sleep. I thought that if I left it with you, it might help you sleep too.” And with that, I can’t take seeing him there, looking as though he’s asleep, so I slip the small brown bear into the casket and walk away.
***
Ted POV
Emmett has finally calmed himself enough that he’s ready to go over and talk to Debbie, so I take my chance to walk over to the casket and to see my dear friend for the last time. He looks so peaceful, and I think of all the times he made me smile and made me feel good about myself. I’m going to miss him immensely.
Looking around, seeing all the people that are here for the service, I know that I’m certainly not the only one who’s going to miss him. It seems that Michael had a lot of friends that he probably didn’t even know he had. Sure, Brian was the Fuck King of Babylon, but Michael was everyone’s friend.
Debbie is really hurting. And so is Ben. He’s not here yet and I wonder if people have forgotten about him. I liked Ben. Even though I was scared to see Michael dating him at first, I think it was the best thing that ever happened to Michael. And I know that Ben was happy when he was with Michael too. Isn’t it ironic that it was the shadow on Ben’s impending demise that loomed over their relationship, and Michael’s death is what separated them in the end?
I think back to what I was doing when I got the call that Michael had been rushed to the hospital. I was sitting in the Jerkatwork office trying to figure out some numbers. As soon as the call came in, I ran to my car and sped off towards the hospital. I didn’t make it. Just as I pulled into the parking lot, my phone rang. Michael was gone. I didn’t even go inside, I just collapsed onto my steering wheel and fell apart.
Now, maybe this is insensitive of me, but I thought I would bring a little something to slip into Michael’s casket for him to take with him wherever it is that he’s off to next, ‘cause I know this isn’t it for him. I brought him one of the dildos I got for my 33rd birthday and a little tube of KY. I know, I know, it’s not the kind of thing that people do at funerals, but I think Michael would have gotten a kick out of it. Damn, I’m going to miss him.
***
Ben POV
I don’t know if I want to go in. I know that I always talk about not being scared of death. I’m ready for it, I really am. It took me a long time, but I somehow became resigned to it. What I wasn’t ready for was to lose Michael. I didn’t see it coming.
When I first found out, I wanted so badly to blame Brian. If he hadn’t been late, it wouldn’t have happened. But then I started thinking and I guess I got over the need to blame someone and realized that everything happens for a reason. However, I had to resist the urge to do something to put myself in the ground next to Michael.
I didn’t do it. I know that my time is coming soon enough.
I know I should be inside, everyone must be wondering about my absence, but I can’t make myself climb out of this car and walk inside. As soon as Michael’s funeral is over, I’m afraid that it’s really going to hit me. I don’t know if it’s really sunk in that when I go home tonight, Michael won’t be waiting for me with a goofy grin on his face.
I can’t imagine how Debbie feels right now. She must be torn apart. I haven’t played the part of Michael’s lover very well. I should be with his family, comforting his mother. Instead I’ve hidden myself in my apartment for days and now I’m hiding in the car, afraid to face what has happened.
So I drag myself out of the car, and force myself to stop being so selfish. I have something to leave with him, something I want him to take with him wherever he ends up going in his afterlife. I know that there’s something out there for him because he has one of the brightest souls and best hearts.
As I open the door, I see that the place is packed. Obviously Michael was a lot more popular than he, or any of the rest of us, knew. I can’t believe that there are so many people here to mourn Michael. It seems so unreal. Have I walked into the wrong funeral?
Nope. There’s Deb.
Or, at least, I think its Deb. She looks horrible. The red wig that she always wears is noticeably absent and she doesn’t seem to care. Brian and Vic are each holding one of her hands and Emmett is trying to get her to drink some tea.
Wow, they are such a family.
At the front of the room I see the casket. And it’s open.
“Well, Bruckner, now’s the time.” I say to myself quietly as I take a deep breath and rub my thumb over the charm that I’m holding in my hand. I want Michael to have it forever. It’s an Chinese symbol fashioned out of pewter. It means serenity. I want him to have peace.
He looks dead. Most people would say he looks like he’s sleeping. But he doesn’t. When he’s asleep he smiles. Always. That’s one of the things I really miss, sleeping next to him and watching him smile.
“I love you.” I say and turn away. I don’t want to remember him like that. I want to remember him smiling.
***
Debbie POV
I have to go over there. I know I do. The service is about to start and they’re going to close the casket. I have to see him one last time. I don’t want my final memory of him to be him lying unconscious on a stretcher soaked in his own blood. I couldn’t live with that.
I know I look like a wreck. Frankly, I don’t give a damn.
Brian looks horrible too. But he’s here by my side every minute and I can’t even begin to explain how much that means to me. Brian agreed to do the eulogy, even though we both know that it’s going to damn near kill him.
I see the priest and I know that I have to go up there and see my son one last time. I pat Brian’s hand gently and nod to Vic before taking myself over to casket and looking inside. My baby looks so small against the white satin in the beautiful casket. And he looks so peaceful.
Looking around quickly to make sure no one sees, I slip my hand into my pocket and pull out the token I’m going to leave with my son forever. I look down at it one last time before slipping it into the pocket of his suit jacket.
“I know he wasn’t really your father, but this purple heart is for you. You were the bravest kid I ever met. So I want you to take this with you, wherever it is you’re going. And remember your ma, and know that I love you.” And that’s all the words I can get out before I break down and back away from the casket.
As the service begins, I look around at all the people who are here to mourn my son. There are so many. I recognize most of them from around the diner. I never knew that so many of them were friends with Michael, but I guess they were.
Melanie and Lindsay are sitting towards the back with Gus, who apparently wants to go up and see his Uncle Mike. I feel a twinge in my heart, hoping that as he gets older, Gus still remembers Michael.
Sunshine and Jennifer are sitting towards the back also. I know Sunshine wants to help Brian in some way, but I also know that Brian is keeping the younger man at an arms length. I’m worried about the both of them.
Ted and Emmett are both sitting at the front. Ted is holding Emmett who is crying uncontrollably. I knew that it would hit really hard with those two. They were so close with Michael.
Ben in sitting alone in the front row, looking down at his hands. I know he’s hurting because he loved my son so very much. I walk over to him and sit down next to him, taking his hand. When he looks up and our eyes meet, we both know that there are no words necessary. We’re there for each other.
I feel a hand on my shoulder and I look up into a pair of brown eyes that I haven’t seen in a long time. “David?”
“Hi, Debbie.” David leans down and kisses my cheek. “I flew down here as soon as I heard. I’m so sorry to hear about Michael.”
“Thank you, David.” I glance at Ben, who is looking at David somewhat angrily as if to say “How dare you be here!”
“Well, I’ll go sit down.” David nods and glances at Ben before walking away and sitting a few seats back.
For the beginning of the service, I have trouble concentrating on what’s being said. It’s all about how Michael is in a better place and such. But when the priest says Brian’s name, I turn my attention on full. I know that Brian is going to make me cry buckets, but I need to hear what he has to say. As he begins to speak, I pull a tissue from my purse.
“Michael was my best friend for more that fifteen years. He was the person that I could count on no matter what was happening in our lives. I know that everyone who knew him, knew that if they were in need of something, they didn’t even have to ask. Michael was always eager to help those he cared about.
“Sometimes I wonder where the time went. I can remember him copying my Science homework and us rough housing on the way home from school. “ Brian has to pause in order to not fall apart and I take that moment to reflect on what he is saying. “It seems like so much has changed in our lives, but so much has stayed the same. He was still always there for me and that meant more than anything to me.
“Even though Michael had things in his life that he had to overcome, and things that he had to deal with, in the last year before his death he had everything he ever wanted. He had a wonderful man, whom he loved very, very much, he had his own comic book store, and he was publishing his very own comic. He had a solid group of family and friends who loved him, and will always love him.
“My favorite memories of Michael are of us just hanging out, and messing around. Michael was a great guy to do that with.” I watch as a small smile spreads across Brian’s lips, but he got right back down to business. “But I want to keep this short and sweet, like Mikey, so all I’m going to say is that Michael was the best person I’ve ever met and I’m going to miss him more than words can ever explain.”
And I feel like Brian said it all. And somehow, I feel a little bit more peaceful.
***
Brian POV
I’m struggling to keep my cool. I refuse to let myself fall apart in front of basically the entire gay community of Pittsburgh. I could have stood up there for an hour talking about my best friend. I feel like there was more I could have said, but for some reason, I felt like what I said was enough.
I had asked the priest to leave the casket open until I was done. I wanted to slip something in there with Michael and knew that the best time to do it would be right after my speech.
“Bye Mikey.” I say quietly as I slip the cowry shell bracelet from my wrist to gently lay over his. I notice that there are a few other tokens peeking out at my from the casket and realize that some of our other friends had things to leave Mikey with too. “We all love you.”
And I know it’s true. Everyone in this room loved Mikey in some way or another. And everyone is going to miss him. And for some reason, that makes the ache in the pit of my stomach even worse. Because I know it’s my fault.
The rest of the service goes by quickly, I don’t really pay attention. Occasionally, I glance back at Justin. He’s sitting with his mother, but he’s always watching me with a furrowed brow and worry-filled eyes. And I don’t know what to do. I can’t go near him, because I can’t let him see me like this. I know he wants to help, but there’s nothing he can do.
There’s nothing anyone can do.
My best friend is dead.
And I’m the one to blame.
TBC…