Justin POV
I’m laying in the dark trying to remember a time when I wasn’t in love with Brian Kinney. I can’t. I know that there was a time, I can even remember things that happened before I met Brian. Problem is, I can’t remember me then. Sure, I know I was there… but it seems like I really only started to live when Brian came into my life. It’s funny how things change like that, how people change like that.
At seventeen I was about as green as they come. I don’t really remember what gave me the courage to leave the quiet and safety of my posh suburban neighborhood and venture into the unknown, but somehow I did it. And, looking back, it was probably the best thing I ever did. Brian was the first person I was really comfortable being myself around. There’s something about him that screams “You’re safe with me”. From the moment Brian spoke to me, I was hooked.
I don’t know how I had the strength to fight for him. I’m pretty sure that most people would give up on him a lot sooner than I did. Hell, now that I think about it, most people DO give up on him. All the tricks who want another night with Brian scurry when he commands it.
I never scurried…
Not until Ethan came along. I guess you could say he was the wrong guy at the right time. He said everything that I needed to hear at the exact moment I needed to hear it. I can’t believe I really fell for it. I thought that I was smarter than that.
Guess not…
And here I am. In the middle of the night I’m asleep at Brian’s once again… but this time I’m on the couch. In our relationship, Brian told me to sleep on the sofa more than once. I never stayed there. I always slipped into bed with him and he never told me to go back to the couch… I wonder if he would tonight…
***
Brian POV
I can practically hear the wheels turning out there. I know he isn’t asleep. I always knew when he was pretending to be asleep. He would do that sometimes after we’d argued. He liked to pretend that he could care less. I knew better. There’s a little sighing sound that he makes when he’s really asleep.
I wonder what he’s thinking about…
I can’t believe I asked him to stay. I don’t know where my mind goes when it comes to that boy. Ever since that first night, it’s like he’s had me by the balls. I brought him to the fucking hospital when Gus was born, no other trick would have been given the same treatment.
Even now, when I know I’m in love with him for real, I can’t figure out why. He’s nothing like the guys I’m normally attracted to. He’s cute and sweet. Before him, I never liked cute and sweet. And then there he was, blond and blue eyed and he seemed perfect to me. And the next thing I knew, I was in a relationship.
It felt like everyone was laughing at me. Even my friends. They think I didn’t hear them when they were making bets on how long Justin and I would last. I heard. And I believed them. I believed that I really couldn’t do it. Because they weren’t betting on how long Justin would last, but how long before I fucked him over.
I wonder who won the bet.
After Justin was gone, it seemed like everyone except Michael was mad at me, everyone else thought I must have done something to make him leave. And I guess I believed that myself.
I just wasn’t there when he needed me to be, and as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t give him what he needed.
So now he’s out there and I’m in here… I wonder if that’s a metaphor for our entire relationship… It was like he was just outside but I wouldn’t let him in. Jesus, Kinney, you’re starting to sound like some therapy queen.
I could always invite him in here… I wonder if he would come…
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