“I miss you, more than words could ever say I miss you, every single empty day Did you think this would be easy, my friend Did you think it’d come to this, our bitter end? Killed the magic Sucked the life out Buried me under the blame… Follow me down, to this our bitter end…” -Econoline Crush “Jesus, Taylor, look what you’ve been reduced to?” Justin laughed through his tears and the rain that was soaking through his clothes and chilling his skin. “Standing outside your ex boyfriend’s apartment, in the rain, in the middle of the night.” “Such a cliché.” A familiar voice behind him said. Justin groaned inwardly and turned to see Brian, also wet from the rain standing behind him. “Uhm, hi.” He said, keeping his eyes on Brian’s shoes as apposed to his face. “Hi.” Brian laughed and pushed a hand through his wet hair. “You look freezing. Why don’t you come in and dry off. I’ll make some coffee.” “Uhm…” “I’m not going to ravage you, Sonny Boy.” Brian laughed. Justin looked at his former lover for several long moments, deep in his eyes. What he saw there startled him. He saw that Brian wasn’t as comfortable with the situation as he appeared. “I should head home.” Justin said, afraid that he and Brian would finally have “the talk” if he went upstairs. They had both been actively avoiding having that talk. You know, the one where you hash out why the relationship ended, and what went wrong. “Where is home these days?” “Back at Deb’s.” Justin said. “She… uh… She’s been great. Still like a mother.” “Yeah…” Brian nodded. “Does she know you’re out at this hour? On a school night?” “I don’t go back for another two weeks.” Justin reminded the older man. “Oh. I just assumed you were back because the check was due last week.” Brian took Justin’s hand. “Listen, come inside. It’s cold and wet and disgusting out here.” So Justin did as he was told. He could never say no to Brian. Whenever Brian asked, Justin gave him anything he wanted. Once inside, Justin looked around the place where he lived for nearly a year. It still seemed like home, more of a home than he had ever known. That thought scared him. “Uhm, go on into the bathroom and dry off. If you want you can grab some dry clothes out of the closet. Just hang yours up.” Brian looked nervous. “I’ll… uhm… make some coffee…” “Ok.” Justin walked up the stairs to the bedroom. Being back in that room, the room where he had lost his virginity and spent so many nights in Brian’s arms, brought back more memories than he could handle. He hurried into the bathroom and firmly closed the door. ~ Brian sat down at the counter as the coffee brewed and put his head in his hands. He wasn’t sure what he had been thinking when he had insisted that Justin come upstairs. He supposed that seeing Justin cold, and obviously crying, had tugged at his heart. Why does he do this to me? Brian asked himself. Why does he always smash my guard down? “Thanks.” Justin said coming out of the bedroom. “For the clothes, I mean.” “No problem.” Brian turned back to the coffee pot, not wanting to see Justin wearing his clothes, hair wet and going in all different directions. “Uhm, the coffee is almost ready.” “You didn’t have to do this, Brian.” Justin came up behind him and placed a hand on his shoulder. Brian flinched away from the gentle touch. If I kissed you, would you push my face away If I told you how I feel, would you have listened anyway “Sugar?” Brian offered, turning around with a cup of coffee in his hand. Justin nodded sadly and took the mug, his fingers brushing Brian’s slightly during the exchange. “So, how have you been these days?” Brian asked, as he took his coffee mug into the living room and sat down on the couch, expecting Justin to follow. Brian was beginning to wonder whether inviting Justin up had been a good idea. “I’ve been alright.” Justin shrugged, arriving in the living a few moments behind Brian, and sitting down across from his ex lover in a chair. “I’m not working at the diner anymore.” “I heard that.” Brian nodded. “Where are you now?” The conversation was awkward. Both men had things that they badly wanted to say, but refrained, afraid to be the one to start the talk. Instead of telling Brian that he was miserable without him, Justin replied, “At Luciano’s. It’s a pizza place downtown.” “Yeah, I know the one.” Brian nodded. “And how’s your boyfriend?” It killed him to ask the question, but he needed to know where Justin stood with the homely little fiddle player. “I don’t have a boyfriend.” Justin said, finally looking Brian square in the eye. “Ethan lasted all of five minutes.” “Oh.” Brian was reeling. It was beginning to seem, to him, like Justin hadn’t left him for another guy, he’d just left him. “It was a mistake.” Brian decided that he didn’t like where the conversation was headed and took control. He put on the “Brian Kinney – Uncaring Asshole” mask and with a shrug said, “We all make ‘em.” “Yah.” Justin looked down into his mug and faded into his thoughts. What the hell am I doing here? Did I think Brian would open his arms for me to jump into and everything would go back to the way it was? I have to leave. “Can I ask you something?” Brian asked, tossing the mask aside. “Of course.” Justin said, brought out of his thoughts. “What did I do to make you unhappy?” Brian had to fight to keep his voice level, to keep some semblance of control. “You didn’t do anything. We just… We wanted different things.” Justin choked on the words. “That’s bullshit, Justin!” Brian exploded, slamming his mug down on the table causing coffee to splash all over the surface. “We wanted different things? How about ‘It wasn’t you, it was me’? Or ‘I need to focus on my career right now’?” “Brian…” “You didn’t give me any truth then, give it to me now. What the hell was so fucked up in our relationship that you had to leave?” “I wanted you to love me, Brian! And I needed you to fight for me!” Justin was equally upset now. “And if I had fought? If I had begged you to stay? If I had kicked the shit out your little fiddler? What then? Would you still be here with me?” Brian was standing stock still. “Yes!” Justin exploded. “You never seemed to fucking care! You wouldn’t even admit that we were in a relationship! And you sure as hell never told me that you loved me!” If I touched you, would you push my hand away If I’d listened, would I have heard the things that made me run away “Neither did you!” Brian and Justin were nose to nose now. “You stopped telling me somewhere around the time that I…” Brian trailed off, needing for those words not to come out. He couldn’t say ‘around the time that I fell in love with you.’ “The time that you what?” Justin’s voice softened. “Never mind.” Brian turned away and walked to the kitchen. He grabbed a wad of paper towels and returned to the living room to clean up the spilt coffee. “You’re right.” Justin said quietly after the silence had dragged on for several minutes. Brian turned and looked at Justin curiously, but didn’t say a word. “I stopped saying it… sometime before my prom.” Brian nodded, but still kept silent. Both men stood there for long moments. Brian took a deep breath and decided that he was ready to open himself to Justin more than he had ever opened himself to anyone before. He figured that the younger man deserved to know. “That last night, the last time I held you in our bed, I wanted so badly to tell you. I was even going to. But then I stopped myself. I closed my eyes and I went to sleep.” Brian broke the eye contact with Justin to stare at the large bed, lit by the neon blue lights. One fleeting moment I would have hoped I could stay The silence stretched on and on as Brian and Justin both let the words sink in. Both men were shocked at the turn their angry conversation had taken, and weren’t sure how to continue. “We let it get really fucked up, didn’t we?” Brian said with a nervous chuckle, breaking the silence. “We sure did.” Justin agreed sadly. “I’m exhausted.” “I’ll call a cab.” “It’s shitty outside. Call Deb. Tell her you’re crashing on my couch.” Brian waited for Justin to nod before nodding in return and walking silently up the stairs to the bedroom. Later, when the loft was dark and silent, Brian and Justin both lay awake, eyes open, wheels turning. Both of them wondered how they got to where they were. How they had taken something that was sure pure, love, and made it into something so ugly and resentful. I miss you more than words can ever say I miss you every single, empty day NEXT