I am ready for love Why are you hiding from me I'd quickly give my freedom To be held in your captivity I am ready for love All of the joy and the pain And all the time that it takes Just to stay in your good grace Lately I've been thinking Maybe you're not ready for me Maybe you think I need to learn maturity They say watch what you ask for Cause you might receive But if you ask me tomorrow I'll say the same thing I am ready for love Would you please lend me your ear? I promise I won't complain I just need you to acknowledge I am here If you give me half a chance I'll prove this to you I will be patience, kind, faithful and true To a man who loves music A man who loves art Respect's the spirit world And thinks with his heart I am ready for love If you'll take me in your hands I will learn what you teach And do the best that I can I am ready for love Here with a offering of My voice My Eyes My soul My mind Tell me what is enough To prove I am ready for love I am ready Brian POV I was completely unprepared to see him at the diner that morning, wrapped protectively under Emmett’s arm. I thought back to a time when I would have walked over and pulled Emmett’s arm off him and pulled him into my arms for a passionate kiss. It hurt that those days were gone. I was tempted to turn and walk out of the diner, to leave him believing that I really didn’t ever want to see him again, but my feet kept walking as though I was drawn to him like a magnet. He looked so sad and it killed me to know that he was feeling that way because he’d lost someone else, and not because he’d lost me. “Morning, boys.” I said, putting on the nonchalant mask that I had perfected over the years. A chorus of greetings came from the table, and then in a quite voice Justin said, “Hi, Brian.” The sadness in his voice forced me to look him in the eye, and the pain I saw there knocked the breath from my lungs. “Wish I could join you guys for breakfast, but I just came to grab a coffee.” I said once I had my breath back, walking towards the counter, I ordered a coffee to go. I knew that it would kill me to sit there, to see him that way, knowing that he was crying for Ethan. “You’re not joining us?” Michael asked from behind me. “Come on, Mikey.” I said, shaking my head. “I don’t want to sit there listening to Justin’s self pity about his fiddler boy breaking his little heart.” I hoped that he couldn’t hear the pain in my voice, but to my ears it was painfully obvious. “You’re really stupid, you know that.” Michael said, turning and walking back to the booth. I wasn’t sure what he meant by it, but I wasn’t about to go back over to that booth and ask him. I just grabbed my coffee, threw some money on the counter, and left. During the drive to work I wondered what he meant by calling me stupid until a song on the tape in the deck, a compilation full of sappy love songs I hated that Lindsay had made for me, caught my attention. I am ready for love Why are you hiding from me I’d quickly give up my freedom Just to live in your captivity I thought about those words the rest of the way to work, all thoughts of what Michael had said having vanished as soon as I heard the soulful woman’s voice. I wondered if that was what it was to be ready for love. I wondered if that was how Justin had felt about me. I listened on and I thought about my own feelings in the past few months. Had I gotten to a point where I was ready to belong to someone? Or had I been there for longer than I let myself admit? And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had been there for months. If I hadn’t have been there I wouldn’t have agreed to those ridiculous rules that Justin made, and I certainly wouldn’t have followed them. Damn. That was when I knew it. Justin held me in captivity and he didn’t even know it. And the thought scared the shit out of me and excited me at the same time. What I wasn’t sure of was whether I was ready to trust him with that knowledge yet… Being ready for love and being ready for heart break are two very different things. *** Justin POV When Emmett insisted that the next step after indulging in comfort food and watching girlie movies to cure a broken heart was going out and partying, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to do it. He wanted to take me to Babylon and dance the night away, but I was sure the memories of all the time shared with Brian at the club would be worse for me than anything. “I think I just wanna stay in tonight, Em.” I insisted. However, Emmett wouldn’t be dissuaded. He went through all my clothes and picked something suitably cute for me to wear. He even did my hair, securing my belief that Emmett was a woman in another life. “Come on, baby. We’re gunna go out and party with the hottest gay boys in Pittsburgh and I promise you’ll feel like a million bucks by the time we leave.” Emmett smiled, did a little sashay, and went to find himself something to wear. As I waited for Emmett to make himself look suitably pretty for all the boys that would be flocking to Babylon, I wondered whether I would see Brian there. I wondered if the man would ignore me at the club like he had at the diner earlier that day. I don’t know what I was expecting from him. I really had no right to expect anything after I told him I could never see him again, and then showed up in one of “his places” with all his friends. “He must know that Ethan and I are over…” I said to myself quietly. Before I could think about it for another moment, Emmett sashayed out of his bedroom, looking like an eggplant in dark purple velvet pants and a matching vest. “Well, darling, let us away.” Emmett said with a flourish, taking my hand and leading me out of the apartment. When we arrived at Babylon, I surprised myself by being happy to be there. It was kind of nice to be at the club again. During my relationship with Ethan, the only time I was there was when I came to find Brian to tell him about Ethan’s ultimatum and my decision regarding it. Pushing those thoughts from my head, I followed Emmett inside and directly to the bar, where I let him buy me a martini. After we had finished our drinks, and cruised every guy that walked by, we headed out to the dance floor. We had probably been dancing for five minutes when I sensed something and turned around. There he was. Brian. Standing by the bar, drink in hand, watching me intently. Like a moth to a flame, I drifted towards him. I was sure that nothing good could come of me going over there, but I went anyways. It was like that with Brian, no matter what the consequences, I was drawn to him. “Well, hello, Sunshine.” He said, with a sarcastic grin on his face. “Looks like you got over your current heart break in record time.” “Emmett dragged me here.” I informed him. He knew that I wasn’t heartbroken over Ethan. He had to know that! Or did he? “I didn’t need more than a few minutes to get over Ethan.” “Then what was with the weepy face this morning at the diner and the moping around with Emmett last night?” Brian asked. I saw something in his eyes that I recognized and I knew that he regretted the question. He was probably thinking it made him sound weak, but to my ears the question made him so strong, so much stronger than me. “You really wanna know?” I challenged him. “Whatever…” The casual tone in Brian’s voice was obviously being forced and I decided that he did want to know. “I’m upset because I made the wrong decision. Again.” I told him, holding his stare, waiting for a reaction. Unfortunately, he kept the mask on. He simply nodded, lifted his glass to me, and walked away.  “Fuck!” I cursed myself. “Nice one, Justin. You made him leave.” *** Brian POV As I walked out of Babylon, I was reeling. Had Justin really just told me what I think he told me? Was the wrong decision he made choosing Ethan over me? It had to be! I wanted to smile because I now knew that he at least still wanted me, and maybe he even still loved me. But I also wanted to scream because knowing that he wanted me made it somehow harder for me to decide what to do about the situation. I knew that I could probably walk back into Babylon, grab him, and drag him back to the loft and he would come willingly. Sex was never a problem with Justin and I. But if I did that, we would be right back to where we were… and it would end again, just like it had before. No, taking him to the loft that night wasn’t an option. So I hopped in the Jeep and grudgingly went to talk to the one person who I knew wouldn’t look at me as though I was crazy when I told her how I was feeling. All Debbie had to do was look at me and she knew. She was just like that. When Debbie opened the door to find me standing on her porch, she didn’t look the least bit impressed… until she looked into my eyes, that is. Her expression softened and she pulled me inside, ready to mother me. “What’s the matter, Brian?” She asked with genuine concern. “I need…” I wanted to stop right there and run out of her house, but I knew that she was my only hope if I was going to do the right thing. “I need your advice.” “Of course, honey.” She started making some tea and came back to sit with me at the kitchen table. I wondered if this was how other people were with their own mothers. God knows, my mom and I never would have been able to do this. I went into the whole story, even telling her about the times Justin was coming over to my loft while he was still with Ethan and how he chose the young fiddler over me again. I told her about what Michael said at the diner in the morning, and about what Justin said at Babylon. Once I was finished, I looked down at my hands. I had never felt so vulnerable in my life and was sure that I never wanted to feel it again. “What’s the problem then?” She asked me. “It’s obvious he still loves you.” “The problem is that I don’t know what to do about it.” I shook my head, finally looking up into her eyes. “I don’t want to fuck things up like the last time.” “Well, kid, I’m starting to think you’re the most mature one in the group now.” Debbie had a look of pride on her face, so I bit back the chuckle that was threatening to escape my lips. “So, how exactly do I not fuck things up?” I asked again, not really wanting to get into a conversation about my maturity. “I don’t know if I can help you there, Brian.” Debbie shook her head. “I think you have to figure out how to go at it.” “The only thing I can think of is to take him back to the loft and fuck him.” I said, wanting to pound my fist on the table in frustration. “Just remember that that’s how this whole thing started.” Debbie seemed like she knew something that I didn’t, but expected me to figure it out on my own. Damn but she irritated me sometimes. “So I should just go back to Babylon and get him?” I asked. The idea was really starting to appeal to me. I kissed Debbie goodbye and ran back out to my Jeep. I was starting to tell myself that he and I could talk or something after we fucked. It was at least a way to get him back there. When I walked into the club, I saw him immediately. Emmett had him on the dance floor and they were dancing around like fools. I hoped that Justin hadn’t had too much to drink, because I wanted him sober when I took him home. I walked, with complete confidence, out to the dance floor and pushed Emmett away from my boy gently. He looked at my with a knowing grin and left the dance floor without a word. When I turned back to Justin he was looking at me curiously. “Want to get out of here?” I whispered against his ear. “More than anything.” He returned. I took his hand and pulled him towards the exit, optimistic about what the rest of the evening would bring. *** Justin POV During the drive back to the loft, I wasn’t sure what to expect. The signals that Brian had been sending me over the past few days were so varied that I wasn’t sure whether he was taking me there to fuck me or to hurt me. And if he was taking me there to fuck me, I wondered what it meant. Brian had always told me what he couldn’t say with fucking. I’m not sure when I actually figured that out, but it was sometime after I left him. I guess I had to really think about it. “You, uh, want me to turn on the radio or something?” Brian asked me. He seemed unsure of himself and that was something that surprised me. “No, I’m fine.” I said, looking over at him. He truly was the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen. His features, while they aren’t perfectly chiseled, were perfectly placed on his face, as if he was molded by an artist. I knew that he kept his hair in that shaggy style because he thought it made him look sexier, and I’m pretty sure anyone who looked at him would agree. But I think he would look just as beautiful with just about any hair style. I let my eyes travel down his body, drinking him in. His height made him seem so powerful even though he was one of the leanest people I’d ever met. I always thought of him as being long. He had a long, tight muscled torso, long beautifully toned legs, long sexy feet, and the long beautiful fingers that had touched nearly every inch on skin on my body. I felt a tightening in my groin and prayed that he was bringing me back to the loft to take me into his bed. I had never known more pleasure than when I was with Brian in bed. We fit together so perfectly, we knew just what would make the other shiver with pleasure. I took a deep breath to try and calm myself as the Jeep pulled to a stop outside Brian’s building. “Uhm, you wanna come up, right?” Brian asked before he turned off the ignition. When I nodded, he seemed to become calmer. He turned off the ignition and jumped out. Before I could even get my seatbelt off, Brian was opening my door for me. When I looked at him quizzically, he just shrugged. I wasn’t sure where the gesture had come from and I wasn’t sure how to take it. I was even more surprised when he took my hand as we crossed the street before entering the building. In the elevator we stared silently at each other, neither of us really sure what to say. Once we were inside the loft, Brian threw his leather jacket on the couch and looked at me. I wasn’t sure what to do, so I stayed rooted in place. There was something in his eyes that I had never seen before. Could it be vulnerability? “Do you, uh, want something to drink? I have water, orange juice, and beer.” He offered, looking inside the fridge. “A bottle of water would be good.” I told him. I was confused about what was going on, so I was just going with the flow. In the car I was sure that Brian would have me half undressed by the time we reached his floor, but I was completely off. “Here ya go.” He said, handing me the bottle. I smiled up at him before opening the bottle and taking a long swig. *** Brian POV I was fucking terrified. Here he was, in my loft, and we were staring at each other silently, neither of us really sure what to say to the other. He looked so beautiful and I wanted nothing more than to drag him into my bed. I wasn’t sure why I didn’t right at that moment. “Justin, we need to talk about everything that happened.” I finally said, sure that my voice sounded like that of a little kid. “Yah, we do.” Justin agreed, sounding more sure of himself. I don’t know why, but I felt like he was so much more of a man than I was and I wasn’t so sure of myself anymore. I wanted so badly to tell him what I was feeling, but I wasn’t sure that I could do it. Maybe it was something left over from my childhood, a time when dear old Pop would laugh when I cried.  “Do you want me to start?” Justin asked, taking the initiative. I shook my head, took a gulp of my water, and prepared myself to speak. I figured that once I got started, it would just all come out. “I can’t believe it’s only been a few days since you told me you could never see me again. I was so fucking angry with you.” “I made a mistake.” Justin said sadly, obviously sure that his admission wasn’t going to be enough. But somehow, it was. I’m not sure why, but knowing that he wished he would have chosen me made me feel a million times better. “Do you want to try?” I asked him, surprising myself with the question, but obviously surprising him even more. He stayed silent for a few moments and I began to feel a little less confident about the situation. “I want to, Brian. I do.” Justin’s voice sounded pained. “But…?” “But I don’t want it to be the same as it was before.” He said, looking away from me for a moment and then looking back and staring me straight in the eyes. “I’m not going to ask for monogamy, I know you can’t give me that yet. Maybe it will come with time and maybe not. It doesn’t really matter.” “So what are you going to ask for?” I asked, surprising myself by being able to have this conversation with him. Maybe that song described me better than I thought, maybe I was really ready for love. I am ready for love If you'll take me in your hands I will learn what you teach And do the best that I can “I don’t want the tricking to be a part of our relationship. I don’t want to feel like I have to trick. And I don’t want to watch you fuck other people.” Justin’s voice was very clear and I knew that this was exactly what he wanted and that he wasn’t going to settle for less. “I can do that.” I confirmed, wanting nothing more than to sweep him into my arms and carry him to the bedroom and let my actions speak for me. I knew that I had to hold back because fucking instead of talking was why our relationship had self destructed. “You can?” He seemed more than a little surprised at the ease with which I agreed to what he wanted. I nodded and he stayed silent for a moment. “I want romance.” When I didn’t say anything, he continued. “I’m not asking you to bring me flowers and take me on elaborate dates. I just want the simple sentiments. I need to know that I’m more than just a good friend that you sleep with.” “I’m sorry if I made you feel that way before.” I said quietly. “You’re so much more than that. I promise you I’ll try to be better to you.” “What do you want?” I was surprised that he asked me that because I was sure that the only reason our relationship ended was because of my short comings and his not getting what he needed. “I just want you. Life feels better with you in it.” I couldn’t believe that those words came out of my mouth, but I knew deep down that they were completely true. Before Justin I was just coasting through life, never really feeling alive. And then he appeared and suddenly it seemed worth it to really live. I was so lost in my musings that I didn’t notice Justin set his water down on the table and bound towards me. When he launched himself at me and started kissing me with intense passion I almost fell over. Once I regained my balance, I captured his lips with my own and began kissing him back. I was shocked when he pulled back and smiled at me. “I have an idea.” I wasn’t sure whether to be excited or scared about Justin’s idea, so I kept quite. “Where’s that Bob Marley CD?” “What?” I asked, completely confused. “That song, Turn Your Lights Down Low, I want to play it while we make love.” He had a sparkle in his eyes that I hadn’t seen for a long time and I felt a smile come to my face. “Meet me in bed… I’ll put it on.” He bounded towards the bedroom as I made my way to the stereo and turned on the Marley CD. After the song started playing, I smiled and walked towards the bedroom. I knew that things with Justin would be okay now, I just needed to learn how to communicate and trust him. And he had to learn to trust me too… but he’s a fast learner, and I was planning to put a lot of effort into my education… and I knew he would help. THE END… Song: Ready For Love by India.Arie HOME